Im new here. Problems with husband. Seeking a solution

luvleygirl · Sep 29, 2015

So, Im married and recently reunited with my husband. We had seperated because of unfaithfulness, his drug habbit, pornography, lies, abuse ( mostly emotional and verbal) and secret after secret. I got sick and tired of being sick and tired, so I took my children and left. anyway to make a long story short we were seperated for about 8 months and right before we got back together he did everything in his power to get me back. Well, here we are about 6 months later and even though we are getting along so much better and he's not being abusive or using drugs he still keeps other secrets. Pornography remains one of them. I found out that I'm pregnant and just when I was about to leave him again, I decided to stay and work things out because of the pregnancy. the reason why I'm wanting to leave it's because he doesn't want to work he wants to sit around and play his video game and has no relationship with our other children. He leaves all responsibility to me when it comes to the kids but yet he says he wants me to have many more from him. I'm like "yeah right". I wouldn't mind having kids from a father who is actually there for his kids but in this case he is not there for them even though we live in the same house. he acts like a child and I have to constantly repeat myself to him not to do certain things or to clean up after himself and it's very frustrating. he knows we have bills to pay and that we're behind on our rent but would rather play his video game. There's more that I put up with such as immature behavior, cussing and not caring what he's watching or listening to around the children and I've had it! At this point I really want to leave. I want to make it on my own but it seems so difficult. I have no car, no job and two boys to provide for so staying here with my husband at least helps keep a roof over our head and keeps us somewhat stable for now. the other problem is my husband doesn't want to seek God or involve God in our relationship which is very important. I go to church on a regular basis and he goes whenever he feels like it and he hasn't gone in a few months. all of this can be overwhelming at times although I am quite used to it so it doesn't bother me as much. if I had all the tools I needed to get out there on my own I would.

damombomb · Sep 30, 2015

What has the Lord put on your heart. That small still voice?

Dino246 · Sep 30, 2015

Hi Luvleygirl, welcome to CC! There are many wonderful, Godly people on here, so I hope you stay around and get to know some of them.

Your story is heartbreaking, and words are inadequate. I could offer advice, but for now I will simply pray for you. If you would like some input or direction, just ask in a post. Much wisdom is shared in this forum.

luvleygirl · Sep 30, 2015

Thank you! Your prayers are appreciated

luvleygirl · Sep 30, 2015

Thank you for that reply. I've been in prayer for a long time about this. for some reason I cannot discern what God is telling me to do. I've never had such a difficult time making a decision. I do believe the Lord will answer me in timeand maybe he already has answered me but I've been confused

maxwel · Sep 30, 2015

I think it's a good time to get some counseling from your pastor.

Dan58 · Sep 30, 2015

luvleygirl said:

Sounds like you picked a real winner

.. Didn't you notice any of these things prior to marriage or having kids? You saw all these problems and decided it was a good idea to get pregnant again? Your between a rock and a hard place now, because you can't afford to be on your own with no job, car, etc. So you really don't have any decision to make because reality says your stuck with your choices. People always pray after they find themselves in a bad situation, but its good to pray for wisdom prior to making life changing decisions. All you can do now is keep working to improve your husbands bad habits and hope he develops some more Christian-like traits. You mentioned that he did stop being abusive and using drugs, so there seems to be some hope that he'll grow-up to be a responsible adult and father? Meanwhile, I'd work to try and make yourself independent. So many women jump into marriage before developing any skills, having a job, or ever owning a car, so they find themselves completely helpless and reliant on their husbands. That's why everyone should get out on their own for awhile before getting hitched, learning how to be independent can be a useful tool. jmo

GandalfTheWhite · Sep 30, 2015

damombomb said:

Good advise, find out from ABBA Father.

luvleygirl · Sep 30, 2015

@Dan58 Thanks for responding. As a matter of fact before I married my husband I had a bad feeling but I ignored it. Unfortunately there are consequences for the choices we make and yes, since I decided to reunite with him now I gotta do my best to live more independently. I believe getting a job and saving up for a car would take alot of this heavy weight off my shoulder. My plan is to make the best out of this situation and who knows maybe eventually if things dont get better with him then Im hoping I'll be able to be independent enough to make it on my own.

Stand_Strong · Sep 30, 2015

luvleygirl said:

This is a tough situation and I'm sorry you're in it.

First, it sounds like you made a mistake, and let him come back too easily after your first separation. You now know that he was making all those changes just to get you back, and that no genuine changes occurred. I agree with the other posters about getting the tools you need to become independent. Right now, that should be your focus, because your husband has checked out and apparently has no intentions to grow up and be a man.

It it weren't for the pornography, I would say that you are biblically bound to stay married to him, and to let him see your relationship with the Lord, hoping that this would bring about a change in him. However, I do think that ongoing porn use is considered adultery, and I think that you would have grounds for divorce. Having said that, I wouldn't advise you to rush into a decision. See a counselor, pastor, or both for advice.

Focus on yourself and on your children. Don't support your husband in his endeavors right now. You can love him without enabling his sinful behavior. Resist the urge to nag him or to baby him, and just let him do his own thing. Let him take care of himself. Do a "180" in this regard, and as such, the opposite of what you would normally do. Believe it or not, this will probably get his attention.

Either way, make it clear to him that this cannot continue. Prepare for another separation, if need be. This time, plan to stay gone until he shows by his actions that he is committed to genuine and long-lasting change.

luvleygirl · Sep 30, 2015

Wow. Great advice. Thank you. I've decided I'm going to start looking for a job and become independent. I cannot wait around for him. I've wasted too much time waiting. It's time for me to make a move. Thanks again

pieman · Sep 30, 2015

I just think if you stay aware of your feelings you will be a OK.

Stand_Strong · Sep 30, 2015

pieman said:

How is that going to help her? She is already aware of her feelings, otherwise she wouldn't be here asking for advice.

pieman · Sep 30, 2015

Stand_Strong said:

Man I am spacing out right now, I just got off the roller coaster ride at luna park in Melbourne.

I'm going home now I feel sick, I'll get back to you once I get on the tram.

NewWine · Sep 30, 2015

Hi there, Welcome to CC. There are many amazing people here, so I know you will find the friendship, support and wisdom you need when you need it.

Congrats on the baby!! Regardless of their timing....Babies are such blessings.....Often blessings in messy disguises.

I am so sorry you're hurting. God doesn't promise us a perfectly easy life, but He does promise to carry us through difficult times. Focus on God and let God focus on your needs.
Isaiah 40:31 They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles. They shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

While I believe You have grounds for divorce, I don't usually advocate for it, so in this, I will let you decide and not push my opinions on you. For right now, however, at least while you're pregnant, I HIGHLY recommend you focus on yourself, your unborn child, and your other children.....not the husband/child, but the actual children who should need mommy to be healthy. Your baby needs you to be as un-stressed as possible, and while it's virtually impossible to stay completely mellow throughout pregnancy, you need to strive for peace in your life.....I will pray in agreement with you for this. By the time the baby comes, many things could change in your life, so until then try not to make too many life altering decisions.

Remaining focused on God in all things will help keep your life as steady as possible, so keep praying, keep praising and keep learning as much as possible to bring your relationship with God as close as you can.....That alone may lead you to the answers you seek. Don't forget while praying to ask God what you can do for Him today also. Focusing on God centered things helps me refocus my energy, making my own worries seem smaller.

Again, Keeping your family in prayer. Peace!!

Angela53510 · Sep 30, 2015

First, you cannot change your husband. He is what and who he is, and only he and God can make those changes.

And this whole thing about getting back together after 8 months, when he "cleaned himself up," was just part of the cycle of abuse. When these abusers (yes, you said he abused you verbally and emotionally!) play this game of being nice, called a honeymoon period, to reel you back in. Sadly, so few people seem to understand that this is a pattern that most abusers use.

Here is a brief link. (You need to look into this more, too!)

The Cycle of Abuse | Respect For Women

I would also advice you to read the book by Pastor Jeff Crippen, called "A Cry for Justice." It is a Christian book, and about the entire abuse situation, especially how it is ignored in the church. And what you can do about it.

Praying you stay close to God, and find some independence from this man, who is really husband in name only, at this point.

luvleygirl · Sep 30, 2015

Thank you so much. I agree with you and will take your advice. Im going to do just that and focus on my relationship with God and let him be my guide. I believe that when we allow God to take control, everything else falls into place. Sometimes even though we know what we're supposed to do, we kind of get off track from everything going on around us and I've always been the type of person to be pretty strong through trials and things like that but this situation has been very challenging

luvleygirl · Sep 30, 2015

thanks angela! I'm going to look into that I'm very interested in reading this book. Sounds interesting and helpful

tourist · Sep 30, 2015

Does your husband have a job that provides an income to contribute to towards the bills? I am making an assumption that your husband was the one who was unfaithful, and really still is considering he views pornography. Drug habit too? You are in a hard place with an overwhelming situation. Yes, if you had the tools perhaps you could get out on your own. Or you were somehow able to find a loving man who is not afraid to work and provide for those that he loves. You have my prayers. Welcome to CC.

luvleygirl · Sep 30, 2015

@ stand strong. Thank you. if and when we get separated again i would not allow us to reunite unless I knew for sure that there were changes and this time he would really need to prove himself but I don't know. I think at this point if we did separate, there probably wouldn't be a return

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