See, I wish I could live that simply. I wish I could settle with the promise of heaven. Yet, when I see others have more, enjoy more, and command more, I turn towards God, shake my fist, and wail at him. I too, continue to trust in him solely based on the principle of it all...but I really dont like living for Christ. I DO IT, because it is RIGHT, but I do not feel or have love for Jesus. I do it on the principle of truth. Sometimes, when I look at my life, I look at Jesus, and wonder if I was truly right in following him. Of course, the answer is YES, YOUR SAVED, but some days, I'd rather trade him for $200 million USD. Bless you for your faith. If I could love the LORD like you do, I'd probably be a happy man.
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Everything. I sacrificed everything. And did so by PERSONAL CHOICE. I still cant understand why. I like how you asked me "Why do I have this opinion and you do not, having served the same God?" This tells me you understand where I come from, and what I ASK MYSELF daily of other believers. I dont understand why you can tell me you have gained, and why I say he has taken, stolen from me, and left me climbing up an endless hill of dissapointment. I'd like to see things your way. I genuinely do, but I cant, because there are too many things that happened to me in life that makes me hate Jesus, even though I submit to him and give my life in service to him and the gospel.
I have given my life. My life is in his hands. Yet, even through this, I make demands of him. I tell him what I am ok and not ok with. I tell him what I will and what I wont do. I look at my life, the undesirable people that tend to gravitate towards me, the crap jobs I tend to get, the fruitless lifestyle I'm forced to live, and I threaten God: "If you cant change this, I'm stabbing you in the back and turning traitor on you. I dont need you force-feeding me a crap life for your son's sake". YET, I submit regardless, because he is God, and I'm a human, and he can do as he pleases, and some people he blesses, and some people he piles crap on, like myself. AND THAT is the truth. I will never turn against God. I will never disobey him. But I hate living for Jesus. I hate my life. I hate how nothing happens. I hate how I cant do a thing to fix the world. I cant do anything, because God is God, and that's the end truth of it all. Anything else...leads to hell, and I dont want to add hellfire to an already lowly existence under the cross.
The bible promises abundant life in addition to salvation. WHERE IS IT? I have been losing money left and right, and yet I tithe 10% of my check, EVEN BEFORE MY BILLS, CREDITORS, AND EXPENSES, to the LORD. I pray every morning for the day to be blessed, so I can be a blessing to others, and I get crap piled on me. Can you tell me what's so abundant about the aformentioned nonsense? John 10:10, as far as I'm concerned, is a load of crap, in my opinion, as are many other biblical promises I put my faith in at one point. I'd like to say it's true, but if I get pain instead of 'abundant life', I will call you and scripture liars unless you show me it's real.
To address your next question: why are you not in full Joy over your life in the Lord? And what dreams over- rule Gods blessings, that you have sacrificed?, did you not think that I sought the LORD to experience the biblical joy? I was looking for joy, peace, and wisdom...I GOT NONE OF IT. I've been following Jesus for 7 years, and not one of those seven years...have I ever witnessed or experience ANYTHING the bible promised me, and YET I REMAIN FAITHFUL IN SEARCHING FOR IT. I'm getting real sick and tired of it all. I'm getting REAL sick and tired of it. I will keep going, because I HAVE SEEN GOD WORK IN PEOPLE'S LIVES. JESUS IS REAL. GOD IS REAL. Yet, I get crapped on all the time by God, and I dont know why. My dream was to be a teacher of successful living...financially, spiritually, physically, mentally...and to be an example on how to set the world right. I am NOWHERE near that dream, even though I poured all my faith towards it, hoping God would allow me to glorify him through it. WRONG.
I now live on BORDERLINE RUIN. Any emergency will financially wipe me out. If I break any bone in my body, I am saddled with tens of thousands in debt. If my car crashes, I lose my business and my ability to work will be limited immensely. How do you expect me to trust the LORD? How CAN I? He can fix everything in the blink of an eye, but does nothing as evil permeates the lives of the faithful. How can you see him as profit? I dont understand most of you. Either you've sold yourselves short enough to enjoy God, you dont mind your current life, or perhaps YOU TRULY HAVE experienced the LORD. I dont know or care at this point.
Jesus was the gift God sent, apparently...a sacrifice of HIMSELF to save mankind. Some of you cry tears of joy over that. I honestly dont care. What exactly did Jesus accomplish for mankind? What sins were we saved of? Did you look at the news recently? SIN IS RAMPANT. IT MULTIPLIED. WORLD GOVERNMENTS RUN ON SIN. What, exactly, did Jesus Christ accomplish? Can anyone honestly tell me? I spoke, believed, and trusted that Jesus' death on the cross saved me from my sinful nature. I believed in it. I follow Christ, even so begrudgingly, but why do I talk like this with you here? Why are my words the words of an enemy of Christ, and not one of his saved ones? Why do I show hate? Why cant I share love, affirmation, joy, peace, and blessing? Why cant I show love to the LORD? Why cant I commune with you all? Do you think I WANT to type or speak these things? I came to Christ for peace. Instead, I received NOTHING AT ALL. Yet I still pursue him, and chose to live my life according to scripture as best as possible. I go to Church, tithe, and give of myself to others. What does God want? What was my loyalty and commitment amounting to?
Yet I know better. God is mighty and amazing. He rules the world. He created everything. He is the LORD of LORDS; the LORD of Abraham, Issac, and Jacob. He is the beginning and the end...who cares what I think. If he treats me like crap, then I guess he knows what's he's doing. I can cut him loose and live my own life and go to hell...or, I can stick by him, live hell now, and inherit the promise of eternal life. EITHER WAY, IT SUCKS.
I can choose to follow, or leave. I follow, because it is the only true way. There has to be a finish line. I know the story of the prodigal son. I KNOW GOD'S LOVE. Yet, I never seen it. To me, God being a God of LOVE is a FAIRY TALE from my perspective. It isn't real for me, because I do not equate God with LOVE. I equate God with LOSS. I dont understand you guys. How can you say God is LOVE?
I will keep moving forward, because there has to be a finish line. There HAS TO BE.
I read it. It's kind of hard for the LORD to ask that from me when he hasn't given me much to love him with. I'll do my best, and give it 100%, and pray for help to do so, but I think it would be difficult to gain a person's love and loyalty if you ask him to live a certain way, and you dont even give that person as much as a speck of lint for incentive. Just my opinion, though.
I will agree...perhaps I am blind in some areas of the faith. I dont want to be blind, but many times, God actually makes it HARDER for me to tolerate him enough to not want to be blind.
And yes, I will also agree...my heart is blackened and bittered. While I make a conscious effort to identify the needs of others in my life, I inevitably turn to Christ and go "You want me to help people in your name, but when's the last time you helped ME out in the same way?" (The cross doesn't count in THIS context).
You hit the nail on the head...I know he is the way for sure, but I cannot understand what this 'life' in me is supposed to be, or if I even have it. You understand where ALL of the above came from within me. I take my dreams and ambitions, and they are REAL for me. They MEAN something to me. They MOTIVATE me. I look to the LORD, and see him trying to DESTROY them all for his preference, and I do not trust him to give me a life I would appreciate or like. I dont want his option. Oftentimes, his options for people's lives suck, and arent worth much, from my experience. If I want surf-and-turf filet mignon/chilean seabass, why would God try to offer me 12 day old soggy crackers and expect me to want to follow him for that? I dont want soggy crackers, EVER. I want the best. You should too.
If I truly am valuable, in God's image, born and created a winner...why does life suck? Why do evil people run the show? Why cant I break into corporate staffing at any of the jobs I had? Why cant I find the girlfriend/wife I desire? Why do I have no money? If I was truly God's child...why does my life resemble a ragged prisoner? That, to me, is unacceptable.
Listen, I will continue to have faith. Those 'nice' things you mentioned at the end of your post, that Christians who stick it out experience...I'm more likely to believe Unicorns, Fairy dust, and jackelopes exist than God being able to be good to me.
That ALL being said...I do want to know God's love. I wouldn't be here if I didnt.
My second question is, what is your opinion of what I typed? Can you relate? Do you know someone who went through what I shared? Am I truly an oddball? Is God good?
...but, I guess...can any of you relate to what I communicated? I assure you I'm not a bad guy. I just play hardball with God, and I need 2+2 to equal 4...I need EVERYTHING GOOD he promised in scripture to come true.[/COLOR]