What Does Someone Who Catfishes Have to Gain?

[seoulsearch]

Hey Everyone,

I'm always fascinated by the reasons behind why people do what they do.

When a person sets up a dating profile with a beautiful, glamorous photo (that isn't theirs) and a star-studded, overachieving life (that isn't theirs), what do they really hope to gain? Is it really enough to constantly receive attention and approval based on lies, but never achieve any real connection or substance?

When I think of catfishing, I'm always reminded of a prison inmate I used to correspond with. He told me that over the years, countless numbers of women, often married, would send him photos, racy letters, and even money because they wanted to "keep" him as a "boyfriend" on the side, usually to get back at their husbands. "I know these women don't care about me and are just using me," he said, "But fake love is better than no love."

I once read a letter to a newspaper in which a man was asking for advice: many of the people in his local neighborhood had started their own online chat group, and often "met up" almost every night. Eventually, a real-life meeting was planned (seeing as no one was more than 20 minutes away) and this man was longing to go.

The problem? He had presented himself to this group as a 34-year-old fitness expert with a successful career. "The person online sounds like a terrific guy," he wrote, "except that this person... is not me." In real life, he confessed that he was about 60 years old and not nearly the young, athletic stud he had presented himself to be. (There is, of course, nothing wrong with anyone being their real age, no matter what it may be, but the man admitted that because of his deceit, several of the woman had been flirting with him intensely, and told him they were eager to meet him.) The advice columnist told him to go anyway, tell people who he really was, play it off as a joke, and start making friends as his real self.

As I read this article, I was thinking of the handful of wonderful CC'ers I've met in real life. Sure, there are "the usual" obstacles to overcome--schedule conflicts, work, cost--but if everything were to align, I couldn't imagine not being able to go because everyone was expecting a tall, blue-eyed blonde part-time model and aspiring actress... in the place of me. I couldn't imagine sitting back and thinking, "I CAN'T go... because they believe in someone who's not really me... But I really wish that I could. The would never accept me if I told them who I really am." What must that feel like for a catfish?

I understand that some people who catfish just don't care about others' feelings and all that matters to them is being in the spotlight.

But what must it be like to constantly be "connecting" with people--and then always having to cut it short in case someone were to find out? My heart couldn't take that. I would feel broken all the time. And, let's be honest here--I'm not nearly clever enough to be able to keep up with all the lies I would need to tell in order to keep up the facade.

In a world where almost everything today is artificial, I have an innate, constant craving for what's real.

What are your thoughts as to why someone would go through the trouble to create an entirely false identity online?

Please note that you if have been catfished at some time, I am asking that absolutely NO NAMES be given here, because for me, it borders too closely on gossip, and opens the doors for anyone to accuse anyone else of doing them wrong. It may also be against CC policy, so out of respect for this site, I'm asking that this thread be seen as general discussion only and that NO NAMES be mentioned.

The reason I'm writing this is because I see so many people here longing for love, and I know how badly that feels--even to the point of believing in a carefully-woven fairy tale--but sometimes, it just isn't real. I've run into a few catfish during my online adventures, and sometimes became very close to them, wishing they'd just let me in so that I could be their friend. While I wholeheartedly believe that leading someone else on and not being honest is wrong, it's also our responsibility to be able to recognize the warning signs and not take the bait. And, we are to pray for them.

What causes people to go to such depths to deceive others? Are they so broken emotionally that the only way they can manage to try to have any kind of human connection with someone... is to try to become someone else?

Is fake love really better than no love at all? At times, I've almost thought so (not in the sense of becoming a catfish, but meaning that I've put up with unhealthy situations because that's all I thought I could get.)

I would love to hear your thoughts.

 

[HonestlyHumbled]

For anyone else not familiar with the term (I had to google it - lol)
A catfish is someone who pretends to be someone they're not using Facebook or other social media to create false identities, particularly to pursue deceptive online romances.

I think there are many reasons a person becomes a catfish. I will name a couple
a) pathological liar
b) low self esteem
c) wanting material gain
d) they feel their real identity will not be accepted (e.g. a gay man pretending he is a woman)
e) a joke/hoax

(From a woman's perspective)
Now love.. that ends up being a tricky thing.. A person goes onto Facebook and sees all their friends are getting married and having kids. Media keeps telling us that our biological clock is ticking. We better hurry till all the good ones are good. Media communicates so many things to us. I'm sure every unmarried woman has been guilty, at some point, in questioning a) their future when it comes to marriage, b) their future with regards to off spring , c) both. Now it won't apply to women who have no desire to marry or have children. To each their own. Some people reach desperate measures to find a "solution" for their insecurities.

This is just another reminder to show that we are living in a fallen world. There are bad people doing bad things, there are good people doing bad things. If only we all trusted the Lord Jesus Christ as our Savior and walked on the right path.

 

[Willie-T]

Well, didn't we all do that to some extent when we were dating? And you hear all kinds of stories about children who act out to get even negative attention. It's kind of a "human" thing, I suspect.

 

[JeniBean]

They gain what they ultimately the fantasy life they desire and live it out through this method, as they are not content or happy with whom they are.

 

[Mcsmitty]

They gain what they ultimately the fantasy life they desire and live it out through this method, as they are not content or happy with whom they are.

It's really very sad when you think about it for what it is. From the person on the hook, so to speak, they experience betrayal and deceit but I'm sure that the catfish is like you say, not happy with whom they are. If they only were just themselves. I know easier said then done. I've been on the hook in a catfish situation and it's not fun, especially when you yourself are looking to find genuine interaction.

What do they gain you ask? temporary fulfillment at the expense of someone else's needs. When the jig is up I'm certain that they feel even worse then before. Now that's the hurting, insecure version of a catfish. There is another menacing one that is out to gain romantic attentions of a woman (or man) with a financial agenda.

 

[Lynx]

For some reason I'm reminded of a youtube series called The Guild. It's a web-series about a group of friends who play an MMO. One of the guys, the guild leader, is a big warrior in the game. In real life he's a balding, timid little man who subsists on his (deceased) uncle's social security check.

I think JeniBean nailed it a couple posts ago.

 

[Dino246]

...What do they gain you ask? temporary fulfillment at the expense of someone else's needs. .... Now that's the hurting, insecure version of a catfish...

I can attest to that, because when I was a teenager I was insecure and hurting. I said many and did some dumb and hurtful things because I had not learned that other people could be hurt by my actions. I didn't hurt others out of malice, but out of ignorance, thoughtlessness and almost complete lack of empathy. I was a mess! The worst part is that I thought I was okay. I was, for a while, completely unteachable when it came to social graces.

I think any unsaved person is capable of strange, hurtful, and even horrid behaviour, and even we Christians are still capable but we suppress such inclinations by the grace of God. We desperately want love and attention, and in the absence of positive attention, or in the presence of significant unprocessed pain, we will take and even seek negative attention just to feel alive.

 

[seoulsearch]

We desperately want love and attention, and in the absence of positive attention, or in the presence of significant unprocessed pain, we will take and even seek negative attention just to feel alive.

Even though I don't care for the song in particular (nothing wrong with it, it just doesn't make my earbuds dance or anything), one of my favorite lyrics is from The Goo Goo Dolls song "Iris":

You can't fight the tears that ain't comin',
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies,
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive.

 

[Tinkerbell725]

It makes them happy if someone falls into their trap. Imagine the thrill of catching a fish. Its addicting, thats why many people love to go fishing. But their idea of thrill is quite twisted. They create illusions to escape their ugly reality. Its a total waste of time and energy.

 

[Mcsmitty]

I think any unsaved person is capable of strange, hurtful, and even horrid behavior, and even we Christians are still capable but we suppress such inclinations by the grace of God. We desperately want love and attention, and in the absence of positive attention, or in the presence of significant unprocessed pain, we will take and even seek negative attention just to feel alive.

Well said, my friend!! It's very difficult to stand tall and just take the pain of rejection, insecurity and or heartbreak head on and therefore we fold and seek relief from carrying around a heavy heart and breathing deep sighs all day long by any means possible. God's grace is sufficient for us and that's what helps me react with love in the face of a trial. I am amazed at the way I behave now compared to before I was saved, all the glory goes to God.

 

[Mcsmitty]

Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive.

YEEEESSSSSSSS

 

[GodIsSalvation]

Hmm, let's them live out their ultimate fantasy eh? Guess I'll give it a try.

Hey everyone my name is Prince Charming, I'm uber wealthy, ruggedly handsome, and super strong. I spend my typical day fighting dragons and questing. If you're a beautiful princess trapped in a tower by an evil wizard or dragon and are interested in chatting send me a text message via falcon. In the case that you have been bewitched into an enchanted sleep, please have your fairy godmother or adorable animal sidekicks subtly manipulate me to fall in love with you.

P.S. No princesses that are secretly ogres please.

Here's my picture:

 

[cinder]

Hmm, let's them live out their ultimate fantasy eh? Guess I'll give it a try.

Hey everyone my name is Prince Charming, I'm uber wealthy, ruggedly handsome, and super strong. I spend my typical day fighting dragons and questing. If you're a beautiful princess trapped in a tower by an evil wizard or dragon and are interested in chatting send me a text message via falcon. In the case that you have been bewitched into an enchanted sleep, please have your fairy godmother or adorable animal sidekicks subtly manipulate me to fall in love with you.

P.S. No princesses that are secretly ogres please.

Here's my picture:

View attachment 142286

Now I know you're lying... That's not prince charming.... that's prince Philip.

 

[Lynx]

And that shield won't hold out long with that kind of abuse.

 

[GodIsSalvation]

Now I know you're lying... That's not prince charming.... that's prince Philip.

Lol, that's Prince Charming from Sleeping Beauty...er, I mean, that's totally me.

 

[CatHerder]

Now I know you're lying... That's not prince charming.... that's prince Philip.

It's Prince Charming...Philip Charming.

 

[wisebeardman]

last time I catfished, that ol catfish had to of been 100 pounds.. took me 2 hours to reel it in. I was 10 at the time, good times.

 

[Roh_Chris]

Another good thread, seoul.

What causes people to go to such depths to deceive others? Are they so broken emotionally that the only way they can manage to try to have any kind of human connection with someone... is to try to become someone else?

I think the desire to be accepted by a person or by a group of people, can drive a person to go to such depths to deceive others. Usually, the alter ego is someone whom the catfish is really not, or someone whom the catfish wants to be in real life.

I have not been catfished, neither have I catfished anyone, but I was a member of a virtual reality website, something like SecondLife. In some ways, I think such websites appeal to people who want to have an alter ego. They also do not have to feel guilty because everyone else is pretending to be someone they are not in real, only that they do not have to lie about it. For example, I had heard of a user who was well into his 80's, was chronically sick and was living all by himself. In the virtual world, he was a young, well-dressed and had all the latest gadgets available in the game. I have met users who were living in abject poverty in real, but the game offered them the opportunity to enjoy the luxurious lifestyle that they had wished for.

Having been in that place before, I pity such people. I was involved in that website when my real life was an absolute nightmare. So, the virtual world offered me an "escape", a fantasy world where I could be who I wanted to be, do the things that I wanted to do and live my life like I wanted to live it. It is true that there were a lot of immoral activities that happened in the site but I am not going to dwell on that. Instead, the desire of people to be something that they want to be, is worth pondering over. Maybe they need to be given an opportunity to live that out, without having to feel guilty over it.

Is fake love really better than no love at all? At times, I've almost thought so (not in the sense of becoming a catfish, but meaning that I've put up with unhealthy situations because that's all I thought I could get.)

I don't think fake love is better than no love at all. Remember, there is nothing worse than being in a relationship and still feeling lonely and unloved. Had you not been in a relationship, you could have used your faculties to kick yourself up and do something about those feelings, but now, you find yourself tied down to that person.

 

[Gary]

Another good thread, seoul.



I think the desire to be accepted by a person or by a group of people, can drive a person to go to such depths to deceive others. Usually, the alter ego is someone whom the catfish is really not, or someone whom the catfish wants to be in real life.

I have not been catfished, neither have I catfished anyone, but I was a member of a virtual reality website, something like SecondLife. In some ways, I think such websites appeal to people who want to have an alter ego. They also do not have to feel guilty because everyone else is pretending to be someone they are not in real, only that they do not have to lie about it. For example, I had heard of a user who was well into his 80's, was chronically sick and was living all by himself. In the virtual world, he was a young, well-dressed and had all the latest gadgets available in the game. I have met users who were living in abject poverty in real, but the game offered them the opportunity to enjoy the luxurious lifestyle that they had wished for.

Having been in that place before, I pity such people. I was involved in that website when my real life was an absolute nightmare. So, the virtual world offered me an "escape", a fantasy world where I could be who I wanted to be, do the things that I wanted to do and live my life like I wanted to live it. It is true that there were a lot of immoral activities that happened in the site but I am not going to dwell on that. Instead, the desire of people to be something that they want to be, is worth pondering over. Maybe they need to be given an opportunity to live that out, without having to feel guilty over it.

Maybe they need to be given an opportunity to live that out, without having to feel guilty over it.

They should be given an opportunity to live it out? No way, not when they affect other people's lives. Shaking my head at the no guilt comment!



I don't think fake love is better than no love at all. Remember, there is nothing worse than being in a relationship and still feeling lonely and unloved. Had you not been in a relationship, you could have used your faculties to kick yourself up and do something about those feelings, but now, you find yourself tied down to that person.

..........

 

[Roh_Chris]

..........

Clarifying what I said - I was referring to the virtual reality websites, where people who have alter egos can live out their fantasies without having to catfish others. Maybe they need to be given an opportunity to live that out through virtual reality websites like SecondLife, without having to feel guilty over it.

In no way am I justifying catfishers. Does that make sense?