Where's the Line Between Being Available, Desperate, and a Stalker?
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Looking back on my own experiences, I see that perception, imagination, and unclear communication are like an evil trinity of problems in this area. Our wants and desires cause us to perceive interactions with another person in a certain way, whether or not they intend what we perceive. Similarly, our imaginations are fueled by our warped perceptions and by those same wants. Unclear communication merely allows this situation to continue, and worsen.
Like the cable guy, we may have legitimate wants which act as subconscious undercurrents to our lives. Their expression may be innocuous or toxic depending on the context. I think that is why a healthy understanding of our personal history is critical, as it helps to identify what our particular weaknesses are. However, just being aware of them is not enough. Our identity in Christ is the antidote; through relationship with Him, we are satisfied, and He is able to heal us so that our weaknesses don't undermine us.
Clear communication in relationships, while potentially hurtful, is important. At the outset, perhaps it is wise to say, "At this point, I am just getting to know you. I don't know yet whether I want to date you formally, but I would like to get to know you better." Later on, another clear statement may be in order, whether to advance the relationship or terminate it. Of course, this sounds clinical, and may not be necessary where both parties are on the same page. It's when they aren't that it's needed.
As I vaguely track the Jian Ghomeshi court proceedings here in Canada (JG is a public figure accused of sexual impropriety), I hear a lot about implied verses explicit consent for sex. I don't at all condone extra-marital sex, but I wonder if the same principles for relational consent would be helpful. As of this moment, the jury is out, on both counts.
Like the cable guy, we may have legitimate wants which act as subconscious undercurrents to our lives. Their expression may be innocuous or toxic depending on the context. I think that is why a healthy understanding of our personal history is critical, as it helps to identify what our particular weaknesses are. However, just being aware of them is not enough. Our identity in Christ is the antidote; through relationship with Him, we are satisfied, and He is able to heal us so that our weaknesses don't undermine us.
Clear communication in relationships, while potentially hurtful, is important. At the outset, perhaps it is wise to say, "At this point, I am just getting to know you. I don't know yet whether I want to date you formally, but I would like to get to know you better." Later on, another clear statement may be in order, whether to advance the relationship or terminate it. Of course, this sounds clinical, and may not be necessary where both parties are on the same page. It's when they aren't that it's needed.
As I vaguely track the Jian Ghomeshi court proceedings here in Canada (JG is a public figure accused of sexual impropriety), I hear a lot about implied verses explicit consent for sex. I don't at all condone extra-marital sex, but I wonder if the same principles for relational consent would be helpful. As of this moment, the jury is out, on both counts.
This is a good post.
I do not have personal experience with this, but my husband had with a former female friend of his.
This began roughly the beginning of 2011.
Both of them lived at the same apartment complex. She was a neighbor of his.
A male friend of my husband, who also lived at the same apartment complex, was interested in casually dating her. The two of them spent time alone at his place. He also wanted to introduce her to my husband, and so he went over to his place one day when the two of them were spending time together. He could not stay that long because he had to go to work.
A couple of weeks later when he was going to get his mail she saw him and said "you are the guy who came over to Danny's place *the guy she was casually dating*." He said yes, and so she told him that she needed to talk to him about something at her place. He came over later that day.
What she told him after he got to her place that Danny tried to take advantage of her when she was at his place, and she wanted his help with understanding why it happened. She wanted him to promise her that he would help her. He said yes, as a friend, he would help her.
His intentions were to help her, but he did not anticipate for the mess that followed.
There were times when she would come over to his place to talk. He had given her his cell phone number, and he showed her how to text. While they were talking she let him know that she was a Christian. So he thought everything would be OK.
While she was at his place, she would ask him if she could use his bathroom. He said yes. Later that day after she had left his place, he found her bra on his bathroom floor. So he took her bra over to her place, knocked on her door, and told her that she left her bra at his place. Her response was "Oh I did not know I did that. I must have forgotten that."
Then there was the time when she was over at his place helping him clean his place so he could pass inspection. At that time we were dating, and so when she got there, he told her that he was dating someone. Her response was "I do not care. whatever. That is OK." She left her bra again at his place. He had to return it again.
Then there was the time that she left her underwear at his place on his bathroom floor. He returned it again and told her that he had a girlfriend. She had the same attitude.
Then she began telling him that she had mental health problems and that she was autistic.
She also invited him over to her place to have dinner, to help her with her homework, to listen to music, to play video games, and to visit. One Saturday she asked him to come over to his place around 9 p.m. to help her with her homework. She made dinner for the 2 of them. By the time he finished helping her it was 11 p.m., and so she asked him if he wanted to sleep on her couch. He agreed to only sleeping on her couch. She also had a cat who had given birth to several kittens who kept him up, and so at some point he had to leave. A couple of days later she knocked on his door wanting to know why he had left. Angry. I think at that time he had to go to work, and so he asked her later why she acted that way. She would not say why she was angry. She told him that it was not fair that he left her place without telling her. She was sleeping in her twin size bed when he left. He did not feel comfortable going into her bedroom. She also said "I guess you do not want to come over to my place anymore." He reiterated that the two of them were just friends.
A couple of weeks later she invited him over to her place to have dinner with her and her parents. He asked her if he could bring his girlfriend, me, along. She said "oh... OK." He ended up getting sick, and so he did not go.
I met her for the first time a couple of weeks after this happened. He told me later on that she had asked him if I was his girlfriend, and when he said yes, she said "she is not good enough for you."
According to my husband, he never felt any kind of connection between the two of them. He felt a connection between us instead.
Their friendship had to end due to her behavior. She would not take no for an answer. She did whatever she wanted to do no matter what she was told.
This is a reason why I feel that if you are not romantically interested in an opposite sex friend of yours, do not spend too much time alone with them. Instead, spend time with them in groups. Be careful when counseling the opposite sex on anything. Also, Gods need to be involved in the friendship from the very beginning. We all need his guidance and wisdom.
I do not have personal experience with this, but my husband had with a former female friend of his.
This began roughly the beginning of 2011.
Both of them lived at the same apartment complex. She was a neighbor of his.
A male friend of my husband, who also lived at the same apartment complex, was interested in casually dating her. The two of them spent time alone at his place. He also wanted to introduce her to my husband, and so he went over to his place one day when the two of them were spending time together. He could not stay that long because he had to go to work.
A couple of weeks later when he was going to get his mail she saw him and said "you are the guy who came over to Danny's place *the guy she was casually dating*." He said yes, and so she told him that she needed to talk to him about something at her place. He came over later that day.
What she told him after he got to her place that Danny tried to take advantage of her when she was at his place, and she wanted his help with understanding why it happened. She wanted him to promise her that he would help her. He said yes, as a friend, he would help her.
His intentions were to help her, but he did not anticipate for the mess that followed.
There were times when she would come over to his place to talk. He had given her his cell phone number, and he showed her how to text. While they were talking she let him know that she was a Christian. So he thought everything would be OK.
While she was at his place, she would ask him if she could use his bathroom. He said yes. Later that day after she had left his place, he found her bra on his bathroom floor. So he took her bra over to her place, knocked on her door, and told her that she left her bra at his place. Her response was "Oh I did not know I did that. I must have forgotten that."
Then there was the time when she was over at his place helping him clean his place so he could pass inspection. At that time we were dating, and so when she got there, he told her that he was dating someone. Her response was "I do not care. whatever. That is OK." She left her bra again at his place. He had to return it again.
Then there was the time that she left her underwear at his place on his bathroom floor. He returned it again and told her that he had a girlfriend. She had the same attitude.
Then she began telling him that she had mental health problems and that she was autistic.
She also invited him over to her place to have dinner, to help her with her homework, to listen to music, to play video games, and to visit. One Saturday she asked him to come over to his place around 9 p.m. to help her with her homework. She made dinner for the 2 of them. By the time he finished helping her it was 11 p.m., and so she asked him if he wanted to sleep on her couch. He agreed to only sleeping on her couch. She also had a cat who had given birth to several kittens who kept him up, and so at some point he had to leave. A couple of days later she knocked on his door wanting to know why he had left. Angry. I think at that time he had to go to work, and so he asked her later why she acted that way. She would not say why she was angry. She told him that it was not fair that he left her place without telling her. She was sleeping in her twin size bed when he left. He did not feel comfortable going into her bedroom. She also said "I guess you do not want to come over to my place anymore." He reiterated that the two of them were just friends.
A couple of weeks later she invited him over to her place to have dinner with her and her parents. He asked her if he could bring his girlfriend, me, along. She said "oh... OK." He ended up getting sick, and so he did not go.
I met her for the first time a couple of weeks after this happened. He told me later on that she had asked him if I was his girlfriend, and when he said yes, she said "she is not good enough for you."
According to my husband, he never felt any kind of connection between the two of them. He felt a connection between us instead.
Their friendship had to end due to her behavior. She would not take no for an answer. She did whatever she wanted to do no matter what she was told.
This is a reason why I feel that if you are not romantically interested in an opposite sex friend of yours, do not spend too much time alone with them. Instead, spend time with them in groups. Be careful when counseling the opposite sex on anything. Also, Gods need to be involved in the friendship from the very beginning. We all need his guidance and wisdom.
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C
Yes spending time alone is never a good idea if you're naive. That's asking for problems. And it doesn't say much if someone says they're a christian and then act like that. My ex had a girl from church stalking him lol and telling him she was in love with him and she even went on when we were married. She had mental problems. I felt sorry for her. He got sick of her, so I just picked up the phone and talked to her. Lol that was also good.
Something I remembered today regarding the former female friend of my husband....
This happened shortly after he went over to her place after she told him that she needed to speak to him. This was when she told him that Danny, the guy she was casually dating, tried to take advantage of her.
She attended a function at the church she was going to at that time. That church was not close to where she lived. She had to take 3 buses to get there. My husband got a phone call from her around 11 p.m. asking him to meet her at a bus stop near where he and she lived because she missed the bus that went right by the apartment complex. Some of her family was staying at her place at this time, but she wanted my husband to meet her instead. He was sleeping when she called him.
He met her at that bus stop, and they walked home.
The next time I saw him I asked him why she did not call the family members who were staying with her instead. He did not know why. Shortly after that happened she began leaving her underwear at his place.
This happened shortly after he went over to her place after she told him that she needed to speak to him. This was when she told him that Danny, the guy she was casually dating, tried to take advantage of her.
She attended a function at the church she was going to at that time. That church was not close to where she lived. She had to take 3 buses to get there. My husband got a phone call from her around 11 p.m. asking him to meet her at a bus stop near where he and she lived because she missed the bus that went right by the apartment complex. Some of her family was staying at her place at this time, but she wanted my husband to meet her instead. He was sleeping when she called him.
He met her at that bus stop, and they walked home.
The next time I saw him I asked him why she did not call the family members who were staying with her instead. He did not know why. Shortly after that happened she began leaving her underwear at his place.
C
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It's really hard to find that line. Some just act cool but are actually desperate. As for me sometimes I draw the line prematurely because having a stalker is scary. Lol!
I might give second chances but it's very rare. I also don't like to be clingy, its not a good feeling to beg for love. When I feel someone is avoiding me, I will not disturb him again.
You call someone a stalker if you dont like him. Otherwise you call him a secret admirer. And it's really hard not to stalk someone that you like or you miss.
I might give second chances but it's very rare. I also don't like to be clingy, its not a good feeling to beg for love. When I feel someone is avoiding me, I will not disturb him again.
You call someone a stalker if you dont like him. Otherwise you call him a secret admirer. And it's really hard not to stalk someone that you like or you miss.
* How would one present themselves as available in the "right way"?
- Just by being myself. If the guy is interested (and he's emotionally healthy and Spiritually discerning), he would ask to make sure I'm available.
I wouldn't have to spell it out for him.
* What makes a person sound "desperate" or "creepy"?
Hmmm, someone who tries to make you the image they have of you. That, for me, is desperation, in a different sense. They're just desperate to be satisfied. It's not my responsibility to answer that call. I only have one calling and that's from God lol.
* Why is desperation such a turn-off?
Because love is not desperate. Jesus, Himself, doesn't force us to love Him. Why the heck do these weirdos even try?! And don't even get me started on guys who... beg. That whole de-valuing themselves thing is a major sign of immaturity.
* What's the difference between "letting people know I'm available" vs. "I am desperate and might possibly stalk you"?
Huge difference lol. "Letting people know I'm available" can be as easy as setting my status to "Single" and adding a "No boyfriend" in my about me section. xD Being desperate, however, is starting a thread like "Looking for missing rib" or something like that.
Lol. I was tempted to send 'em my ultimate weapon of indifference "...What is it to you? As for you, follow me." (John 21:22) But then it'd have been ironic... cause it has to apply to me first lol.
- Just by being myself. If the guy is interested (and he's emotionally healthy and Spiritually discerning), he would ask to make sure I'm available.
I wouldn't have to spell it out for him. * What makes a person sound "desperate" or "creepy"?
Hmmm, someone who tries to make you the image they have of you. That, for me, is desperation, in a different sense. They're just desperate to be satisfied. It's not my responsibility to answer that call. I only have one calling and that's from God lol.
* Why is desperation such a turn-off?
Because love is not desperate. Jesus, Himself, doesn't force us to love Him. Why the heck do these weirdos even try?! And don't even get me started on guys who... beg. That whole de-valuing themselves thing is a major sign of immaturity.
* What's the difference between "letting people know I'm available" vs. "I am desperate and might possibly stalk you"?
Huge difference lol. "Letting people know I'm available" can be as easy as setting my status to "Single" and adding a "No boyfriend" in my about me section. xD Being desperate, however, is starting a thread like "Looking for missing rib" or something like that.
Lol. I was tempted to send 'em my ultimate weapon of indifference "...What is it to you? As for you, follow me." (John 21:22) But then it'd have been ironic... cause it has to apply to me first lol.
C