Dealing with Controlling 'group' of people

[AbigailZeke]

After I read the book boundaries, it opened my eyes to many many things that were very wrong with how I was living and living with others. Ever since then I've been learning how to identify who I am, and being free from what people expected me to be. I don't have a support group to back me up, though, and all my life, I lived in the shadow of what people around me thought I should be. I was who my parents, church and friends wanted me to be, and ended up being so miserable. I know God gave me strength to go through this and overcome, grow and mature into who He has called me to be, but having no other human who knows exactly what's going on and someone who could help when I have questions like the thread title, can be quite a challenge.

So, with that, I need your help guys. I've learned to deal with a handful of people that were very controlling of me, and not recognizing my boundaries; people who I always ended up trying to please. And although it's hard, I've learned the basics, just need to stay closer to God than I ever was.

What I'm needing help with is, how do I deal with them, if it's a group of them? Like, I live with 4 other people. Let me give you a sample scenario:

We're in a group chat, they be like (and this was exactly how the conversation went):

Person 1: Hey Abi, you wanna watch a movie with us tonight?
Me: Well, I'm trying to finish something... what time? (Off work and at home that day)
Person 2: The movie's got great reviews, we can go after our work.
Person 3: And we have a movie voucher.
Me: Wow that sounds cool.
Person 1: Well, the voucher's at home, and we'll have to do the booking at the counter to use it. So someone has to do it. Since you're not working today, can you do it?
Me: But I'm doing something important.
Person 2: It won't take long and the voucher will expire soon!
Person 3: Yeah, just take a few minutes, go to the mall and have it booked for all of us.
Me: I'm not even sure if I'm going, cause I'm working on my sister's project.
Person 1: Oh that can wait! The voucher can't.
Person 4: Yeah, come on, you can do it.
Me: But...
Person 2: Yes you can, it honestly doesn't take that long!
Person 3: Yeah, you, like, never go out, so it's good for you.
Me: I really can't, I'm sorry.
Person 1: Wow.
Person 2: Yeah, well.
Person 3: ...
Person 4: *cry face*

After that, they went to the movies without inviting me. I said I couldn't book it for them, but since I couldn't, apparently I wasn't worth the invitation anymore xD I got the silent treatment for a few days. I live with these people, and yeah, every day's kind of a struggle tbh similar events have occurred even after that. At least, the last few weeks, it hasn't been that frequent, because I avoided going out with them. But this weekend, we went to Malaysia, and the same thing happened again. They ask me to do things for them, which are usually very inconvenient (I know, it's bullying but I thought I could give them the benefit of the doubt, but this misery is agonizing).

So, how do I deal with these guys? I can only think of one solution, and that's to move out. But my lease expires this November. And I can't help to think that if I never learn to overcome them, how will I mature?

Any tips? Advise?

 

[Jak795]

Well, to me moving out is a good start.

First, you must be firm when you say no. You don't have to get rude, but make sure they get the message. No means no. Say what you mean, not what they want to hear. In situations like these, people always expect you to say yes and go along with it.

Secondly, if you're worried about hurting their feelings when saying no. Don't be. Let them be mad. They'll get over it. If they don't want to, cut them loose. Because that's a sign they're not worth keeping ties with anyway.

Thirdly, Lay down the law. Let them no what you're not going to put up with. You are your own person too. If they don't like it, they're free to walk away. Friendships are voluntary, a choice. You don't have to be friends with people that treat you like that.

I know this sounds rather harsh. But, the key idea here is don't let them emotionally bully you or guilt trip you. Because that seems like the way these people you've mentioned are trying to control you. Hope this helps. God bless!

 

[AbigailZeke]

Well, to me moving out is a good start.

First, you must be firm when you say no. You don't have to get rude, but make sure they get the message. No means no. Say what you mean, not what they want to hear. In situations like these, people always expect you to say yes and go along with it.

Secondly, if you're worried about hurting their feelings when saying no. Don't be. Let them be mad. They'll get over it. If they don't want to, cut them loose. Because that's a sign they're not worth keeping ties with anyway.

Thirdly, Lay down the law. Let them no what you're not going to put up with. You are your own person too. If they don't like it, they're free to walk away. Friendships are voluntary, a choice. You don't have to be friends with people that treat you like that.

I know this sounds rather harsh. But, the key idea here is don't let them emotionally bully you or guilt trip you. Because that seems like the way these people you've mentioned are trying to control you. Hope this helps. God bless!

Thank you, this hits close to home. This is what I'm trying to do right now, sometimes I just fail to recognize if what I'm doing is actually wrong or they're just guilt tripping.

The other day they asked me to do something for them again because... that may have been my mistake too, no one volunteered so I mentioned that I was at the mall and I could do it for them, but they wanted me to get something from a specific place (which was far from where I was), which I could actually have gotten from the other store close to where I was. When I said no to that, one of them said this "It's okay, I'll do it. I'll just cancel my previously arranged plans with my friend and do it." So in cases like that, it sounds guilt tripping to me now, I just have to hold my ground and let my no be no right? It kinda hurts actually.

 

[RickyZ]

As Dear Abby said, no one can take advantage of you without your permission.

 

[Powemm]

I'm proud of you for sticking with your first commitment and seeing it through.. I often tell people... you know I'd love to be able to do that for you however I've committed myself to another project and currently in the middle of it.. when I complete it I will check back with you and see where I can pitch a hand in..if you get it done and need to go on let's catch up another time...have a blast if I don't see you guys.. you can be your own best friend.. discover what you love to do and spend time with yourself and see what you tap into..

 

[RickyZ]

Lack of planning on other's part doesn't constitute an emergency on our part.

 

[mummabear]

Isn't it strange how we try to do what others want and usually end up feeling used and abused.

These people aren't your friends when they treat you this way. They know that you are kindhearted so they use you to get what they want. If you say no they then 'punish you' by making you feel guilty or give you the silent treatment.... and it hurts.

The Bible says "Let your No be No". You need to make a stand. It takes courage and the first time you say 'no' you might be scared but God is with you and when you don't give in to their demands they will begin to realise that you can't be pushed around anymore.

 

[coby]

Me oh my. I thought I had my share of controlling people.
I'd just move out tbh or just live my own life with people I get along with. Such people have never bothered me. Don't feel guilty or dependant on their approval of you. Pray for them.
Roberts Liardon has those books. Brealing controlling powers. Learning to say no without feeling guilty.
I went to a course once, had to from my boss, because I said yes to everyone who didn't plan at the office and I always said yes and ruined my arm. Lol we had to do role plays. All shy people. They had another book, can't remember his name, he was really good. Lol this one shy guy had a controlling mother and sister and bosses who would guilt trip him into overworking and I had to play the boss and get him to work longer and he had to say no.
Lol with me he had no problems. I said: pleaaaaaaase? at the end. Nope.
Hahahahaha

I've lived in a students' home where it was no fun living. Not that they controlled me, but at one point I prayed: Lord please send one person here who's as stupid as me since those were all so boring and educated, theologians who would keep discussions about philosophy. We had a lot of fun when she came.

 

[coby]

Oh I remember, I had those girls in high school when I was 16 or so. Just found a group of other shy not popular people I hung out with and just let them.

 

[AbigailZeke]

As Dear Abby said, no one can take advantage of you without your permission.

Lack of planning on other's part doesn't constitute an emergency on our part.

Thank, I try to remember this. Maybe I just need more practice.

 

[AbigailZeke]

I'm proud of you for sticking with your first commitment and seeing it through.. I often tell people... you know I'd love to be able to do that for you however I've committed myself to another project and currently in the middle of it.. when I complete it I will check back with you and see where I can pitch a hand in..if you get it done and need to go on let's catch up another time...have a blast if I don't see you guys.. you can be your own best friend.. discover what you love to do and spend time with yourself and see what you tap into..

This is the part where I still need more confidence. I feel afraid to let my concern be known to them, having lived with them for the past year. They'd think I'm trying to be self-righteous or something. Or it could very well just be my own thinking that I need some more working on. There are times, when I can actually say no to them already. The resistance is obvious and the atmosphere gets thick. There's always a pause, before we start talking again.

 

[AbigailZeke]

Isn't it strange how we try to do what others want and usually end up feeling used and abused.

These people aren't your friends when they treat you this way. They know that you are kindhearted so they use you to get what they want. If you say no they then 'punish you' by making you feel guilty or give you the silent treatment.... and it hurts.

The Bible says "Let your No be No". You need to make a stand. It takes courage and the first time you say 'no' you might be scared but God is with you and when you don't give in to their demands they will begin to realise that you can't be pushed around anymore.

True. And like, every time after I refuse to do something for them, when I get home that night and see them all having dinner (I pass by the dining room before getting to my bedroom), they act like I don't even exist. It's still all new to me. Long ago, I'd lock myself inside and start crying. Now, it's getting less miserable.

 

[coby]

This is the part where I still need more confidence. I feel afraid to let my concern be known to them, having lived with them for the past year. They'd think I'm trying to be self-righteous or something. Or it could very well just be my own thinking that I need some more working on. There are times, when I can actually say no to them already. The resistance is obvious and the atmosphere gets thick. There's always a pause, before we start talking again.

Oh my goodness. Good luck!
At the office my boss just helped me. I could tell him in time if I got too much work and he'd tell them it was impossible.

 

[AbigailZeke]

Me oh my. I thought I had my share of controlling people.
I'd just move out tbh or just live my own life with people I get along with. Such people have never bothered me. Don't feel guilty or dependant on their approval of you. Pray for them.
Roberts Liardon has those books. Brealing controlling powers. Learning to say no without feeling guilty.
I went to a course once, had to from my boss, because I said yes to everyone who didn't plan at the office and I always said yes and ruined my arm. Lol we had to do role plays. All shy people. They had another book, can't remember his name, he was really good. Lol this one shy guy had a controlling mother and sister and bosses who would guilt trip him into overworking and I had to play the boss and get him to work longer and he had to say no.
Lol with me he had no problems. I said: pleaaaaaaase? at the end. Nope.
Hahahahaha

I've lived in a students' home where it was no fun living. Not that they controlled me, but at one point I prayed: Lord please send one person here who's as stupid as me since those were all so boring and educated, theologians who would keep discussions about philosophy. We had a lot of fun when she came.

Oh Coby I wish we had a group like that at church. My biggest problem is getting used to NOT being affected by them. And to be able to role play that with other people who are going through the same, and in a safe environment, would really be a great help. It's a big problem here in our part of the world. See, our culture is very family and people oriented. Individuality, like, never existed, a few decades ago in the East. It's just now that we're embracing this. And some of us still think we have control over others by guilt tripping.

 

[Tinkerbell725]

Difficult times with difficult people needs desperate measures. Tough love is good for those kind of people. Don't worry about it. If they really love you they will be sensitive of your boundaries. I've taught my friends a lesson in boundaries recently. I made them feel they crossed the line. Guess what? After a while, they reached out because they missed me and we settled the problem. A conflict is not always bad, sometimes if handled well, it leads to growth.

 

[Jak795]

Thank you, this hits close to home. This is what I'm trying to do right now, sometimes I just fail to recognize if what I'm doing is actually wrong or they're just guilt tripping.

The other day they asked me to do something for them again because... that may have been my mistake too, no one volunteered so I mentioned that I was at the mall and I could do it for them, but they wanted me to get something from a specific place (which was far from where I was), which I could actually have gotten from the other store close to where I was. When I said no to that, one of them said this "It's okay, I'll do it. I'll just cancel my previously arranged plans with my friend and do it." So in cases like that, it sounds guilt tripping to me now, I just have to hold my ground and let my no be no right? It kinda hurts actually.

Correct, if you don't want to do it. You're not obligated to. Their chores don't automatically mean it's your chores.

 

[coby]

In that students' home with 6 we had one guy who rented a room and he didn't eat with us, maybe because he couldn't cook, or hang out in the living room. He just sat in his room and studied for his exams and did Bible study in his free time.
One girl there got mad at him: You never hang out with us! You are anti social! blablabla
Lol he couldn't care less. Look girl I just rent a room here. I'm not obliged to spend time with you.
He couldn't cook, so funny. I can't cook good, everyone complains about it, he was the only guy I ever met who liked my food. I'd make macaroni and then my brother came over. Hey let's grab some fries! So I said: Hey Gert, want some macaroni? The gratitude on his face, like a hungry wolve who hadn't had something decent to eat in weeks. Really? Oooh thank you! He ate it all. He loved it.

 

[coby]

I learned a lot from those type of guys. No way any woman could control my ex. He was just straight in your face. Nope. Always told me I didn't have to please people. After a while you adapt the behavior a bit.

 

[Depleted]

Person 1: Hey Abi, you wanna watch a movie with us tonight?
Me: Well, I'm trying to finish something... what time? (Off work and at home that day)
Person 2: The movie's got great reviews, we can go after our work.
Person 3: And we have a movie voucher.
Me: Wow that sounds cool.
Person 1: Well, the voucher's at home, and we'll have to do the booking at the counter to use it. So someone has to do it. Since you're not working today, can you do it?
Me: But I'm doing something important.
Person 2: It won't take long and the voucher will expire soon!

Me: Doh! You did it again, didn't you? This is a setup to get me to do something you don't feel like doing. Sorry, I have important things to do today, and talking ad nauseum to you isn't one of them. C'ya."

Wasn't that easy?

 

[coby]

Me: Doh! You did it again, didn't you? This is a setup to get me to do something you don't feel like doing. Sorry, I have important things to do today, and talking ad nauseum to you isn't one of them. C'ya."

Wasn't that easy?

hahahahahahaha
Yup that's the only solution. Be blunt.