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I'm honestly not bitter towards all women but I am definitely skeptical about them based on my experience with their attitudes about why we get to where we are in relationship with them. There's a line in a song that struck a chord with me...."looking for rainbows in a perfect blue sky".
I I don't know this persons husband and his heart but my guess is that his intentions were good and he shut down because he felt like he ended up not good enough and generally when us men give up it's because we feel burdened with unmet and unrealistic expectations placed on us. Expectations are relationship killers.
I I don't know this persons husband and his heart but my guess is that his intentions were good and he shut down because he felt like he ended up not good enough and generally when us men give up it's because we feel burdened with unmet and unrealistic expectations placed on us. Expectations are relationship killers.
R
I really didn't want to jump into this one. Yet, I see, feel, and hear her pain. I also see exactly where you are coming from Sirk, because I've been there. I didn't give up, I fought, I did what I thought I was supposed to do. Your Wife tells you have marriage problems, but can't tell you what they are, what is a Husband supposed to do? Whats he supposed to work on?
Kris78, I feel for you, I really do. You are in a spot no one wants or ask to be in. I've had to spend a lot of time in prayer, the Psalms, and just dealing with things the best I could. It won't be easy, but you will get through this. God is always near...
Kris78, I feel for you, I really do. You are in a spot no one wants or ask to be in. I've had to spend a lot of time in prayer, the Psalms, and just dealing with things the best I could. It won't be easy, but you will get through this. God is always near...
Thanks. I don't want to come across as harsh to Kris either. And maybe the guy is just a heartless jerk....who really knows. What I know is that I felt the same way and was not a heartless jerk. I could be a jerk and I was in a lot of pain but I really just wanted peace. Looking back, the blame was all on me and it wasn't a fair assessment by my exes. Lol. What I wasn't good at was being assertive yet kind when I was pinched. I wasn't good at chasing my own pain let alone someone else's. I'd let things go until I blew up. I'm not that guy anymore, nor will I ever put myself under emotional tyranny again.
K
I am so sorry for all the hurt in your marriage and family. In reading your posts, I kept having the same thoughts over and over, so I thought I'd share.
You love your husband even though he's hurt you. He doesn't respond well to your advice/direction/nagging whatever it may be, so my advice is to leave him alone and let God work in your life and his. Don't try to fix anything. Work on your relationship with the Lord, take your kids to church and show them that you are seeking God. Unfailingly pray for God to restore your relationship with your husband, ask him to bring love back into the household, ask God to heal your hurts and allow you to forgive your husband for his hurtful actions and words.
It will not be easy, but as you said, you feel peace after spending time with the Lord. God promises to be with you always, even in times of trial. Seek the Lord, ignore your husbands hurtful words, try to respond out of love and sometimes that means not at all. Your husband is obviously struggling in some ways and there isn't an excuse for his behavior, but maybe seeing you seek and trust the Lord will help him. God and his love is the only thing that can bring families back together.
I pray that you will be greatly blessed in seeking God; ask and He will answer and direct your paths. God bless!
You love your husband even though he's hurt you. He doesn't respond well to your advice/direction/nagging whatever it may be, so my advice is to leave him alone and let God work in your life and his. Don't try to fix anything. Work on your relationship with the Lord, take your kids to church and show them that you are seeking God. Unfailingly pray for God to restore your relationship with your husband, ask him to bring love back into the household, ask God to heal your hurts and allow you to forgive your husband for his hurtful actions and words.
It will not be easy, but as you said, you feel peace after spending time with the Lord. God promises to be with you always, even in times of trial. Seek the Lord, ignore your husbands hurtful words, try to respond out of love and sometimes that means not at all. Your husband is obviously struggling in some ways and there isn't an excuse for his behavior, but maybe seeing you seek and trust the Lord will help him. God and his love is the only thing that can bring families back together.
I pray that you will be greatly blessed in seeking God; ask and He will answer and direct your paths. God bless!
K
Wow to all of that. I'm so glad that I reached out to this site. Now to put all this advice into action. Just how to start. I have been here so many times before I've been so blah for the last few days not really knowing what to think or do. I'm not angry haven't even really cried. Just blah trying to figure out my next move. In the mean time it's the silent game at my house. I just don't understand how he can say the words he says and never says he's sorry. The man I love most can be so mean. I do know if it wasn't for Gods grace and him giving me a ton of patience I don't think I'd still be married. I do believe that he has a plan for me and my family I just have to figure out how to listen.
K
He really is an amazing man. The guy I know and love is in there somewhere but I think he just doesn't know how to deal with issues. I don't know any better but at least we could give it a go together. We used to do so much together. Now it seems just in the last few months he's checked out. He's home but not really. From a guys perspective how would you want to be approached? Or give it time? I'm stuck.
It's a tough question because us guys don't want to feel patronized either and we dont want to feel judged. It's almost like you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. He wants to feel respected and admired (I think). If I were you I would just start dressing really nice, doing yourself up real pretty and being at ease around him and just don't say anything. Make yourself super attractive all the time and be playful.....maybe even pinch his butt at the grocery store Lol....we are visual creatures. Worth a shot?
God is good......... All the timeIt didn't fix my marriage, I did it after the divorce, but it took the hate and not saying anything away, the waiting on the other street corner because he didn't want to see me and let my dad pick the kids up:
I called him to say I was sorry for my part.
Then he said he was sorry for his part. Forgave each other. Also since he likes to be the boss I just didn't go against anything he said and just obeyed. Men want to be respected. At least we're friends now.
I called him to say I was sorry for my part.
Then he said he was sorry for his part. Forgave each other. Also since he likes to be the boss I just didn't go against anything he said and just obeyed. Men want to be respected. At least we're friends now.
D
You're a good man specifically because you chose to shut down rather than hurt someone (the wife and kids.) I don't know this husband either, but a good man does not hurt someone with those words. ("I'm only in this for the kids.") You are, in general, a good man. This guy may have goodness in him, but he's letting out the bad like an undisciplined Rottweiler. Nothing but teeth and going for the jugular.
I hope you find the woman you don't have to shut down with ever. I wish this husband had chosen to shut down, because his anger has become teeth to the jugular.
All I'm doing is showing the newspaper to swat the nose with, and then reminding a spouse (because this is the common thread no matter if we are the husband or the wife) what our role is -- to love like God called us to.
I hope you find the woman you don't have to shut down with ever. I wish this husband had chosen to shut down, because his anger has become teeth to the jugular.
All I'm doing is showing the newspaper to swat the nose with, and then reminding a spouse (because this is the common thread no matter if we are the husband or the wife) what our role is -- to love like God called us to.
D
Absolutely. But that doesn't necessarily mean walk. Manipulating is a circle that needs to be broken. Only answer is for one spouse to stop it. Then you wait for how that changes everything. Our duty is to love. Love isn't slavery and certainly isn't being the master. It's really not circling either. It's moving forward. But the first step is to stop manipulating and see what is left. Only then can anyone figure out what happens after that.
D
Accept that you may never understand. And get back to doing what you're supposed to do -- love him. What does love him mean? I have no idea for you.
I know love him for me means to stay out of his way in the kitchen, but be ready at a moment's notice, if he needs my help. I know it means don't start gabbing during football games. I know it means to listen while he talks. I know it means to shut up about how I feel about someone he likes, if I don't like the person and to even remind him why he is friends with that person, if they have a falling out. It means watching Battlebots with him, even if it's mechanic robots beating each other up, and that is so opposite of what I like, but he loves it and wants to share it with me. (I enjoy his guyish enthusiasm over "blast it away!" lol) It means only watching sappy kids movies when he's not around because he hates them. It means giving him THE first blackberry from our garden. (Blackberries! Almost as good as raspberries!) It means helping him decide if he really wants to sue those &%$@ or if that was just his emotions talking at that moment. It means approach him cautiously when there is something we have to deal with, but his first reaction is the knee-jerk reaction. And it means getting over it quickly when he blames me for something I didn't do, and it hurts that he would think I did. Worse yet, getting over the same thing but I DID do it!
Basically it means given him the best you can because he likes it when you do that.
I know love him for me means to stay out of his way in the kitchen, but be ready at a moment's notice, if he needs my help. I know it means don't start gabbing during football games. I know it means to listen while he talks. I know it means to shut up about how I feel about someone he likes, if I don't like the person and to even remind him why he is friends with that person, if they have a falling out. It means watching Battlebots with him, even if it's mechanic robots beating each other up, and that is so opposite of what I like, but he loves it and wants to share it with me. (I enjoy his guyish enthusiasm over "blast it away!" lol) It means only watching sappy kids movies when he's not around because he hates them. It means giving him THE first blackberry from our garden. (Blackberries! Almost as good as raspberries!) It means helping him decide if he really wants to sue those &%$@ or if that was just his emotions talking at that moment. It means approach him cautiously when there is something we have to deal with, but his first reaction is the knee-jerk reaction. And it means getting over it quickly when he blames me for something I didn't do, and it hurts that he would think I did. Worse yet, getting over the same thing but I DID do it!
Basically it means given him the best you can because he likes it when you do that.