"Jon, you are such a good worker that the management team feels you have earned a promotion."
"You're right - there are distinct voids in your personal armory and you should remedy that by purchasing more handguns, rifles, and shotguns."
"You're absolutely correct Jon - I was wrong to say that and I apologize for acting inappropriately and saying hurtful things to you."
"No, don't worry Jon - you have been working very hard on your dissertation and I think you deserve some time off to relax."
"Hey Jon, congrats! You've lost weight and you look amazing!"
"Jon, I love the way you pontificate and how you tie the DUNE universe into the conversation as an example of our modern world and the troubles we face."
"Hi. I'm single, chaste, conservative, learned, self-respecting, nerdy, witty, charming, and I think you're super cute with your scruffy beard and pot belly. Let's get to know each other at a snail's pace!"