I believe, but I don't praise or give thanks.

[ndsp]

I don't really want my post in this category but it's probably the best place. I guess I can torque it a little bit to fit.

I'm a miserable fella. I probably have no valid reason to be miserable, but I am very miserable. Somehow, I'm a 45 year old, but I have all the hopes, interests and desires that come with a 25 year old. I know that sounds really weird, buts that's whats going on and that's where I am at. Spending social time with people my age (especially with the intention of finding a companion) is generally not enjoyable, because I am not there with them in associating with the things that people in my age range have in their lives. In my mind I want to get away from the old people, but wait, I'm old too!

I had a Christian counselor that put me at the the bottom of Maslow's pyramid, still hunting for basic things. I feel that God is teasing me. Out and about, I may share a smile with someone I find attractive. But once again, God is teasing me because the other person will be half my age. How did I even get that smile when I look like crap.

I believe in God without a doubt, but my relationship with him has become different.

I pray when I get up and pray when I go to bed, and I pray in between. but it's not praise, worship or thanks. It starts with f-you. Then I ask God to make the day my last day and to blot me out completely after my judgement. I end my prayer with another f-you. I've been doing this for a long time. I do pray for others, especially those close to me that need prayer. But as for me, I now only ask for the one thing.

I'm not interested in surrendering to God, I'm not interested in putting aside my desires for God, I'm not interested in growing old in my current state of mind, I'm just not interested any longer. There is a fair amount of loneliness in my life, and it has become tiring. This isn't and adolescent tantrum. I have my concerns in order and I pray for my end. I wait patiently on God for an answer to what I ask for.

 

[Willie-T]

It's much simpler than you think: "To be happy, just forget about YOU."

 

[NoNameMcgee]

James 1:13

13 Let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted of God: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempteth he any man


it's the enemy who is teasing you



man... i understand what you mean, but all that comes from your flesh

I will pray for you... you may not want to hear this from someone as young as i am, it's not about putting your desires aside

it's about God giving you new desires


your flesh may still act up
but your heart will be different and you will not WANT your fleshly desires to be fufilled.... you will WANT to be delivered from them

i can promise you

if you are as broken or lonely or miserable as you say

you CAN find happiness in Jesus

1 John 5:14

“And this is the confidence that we have in him, that, if we ask any thing according to his will, he heareth us:”

 

[PrynceNY]

God can fullfill anything you may be lacking in your life as long as you have faith in him. You say you have lost desire in many things. God can give you spiritual desires that far surpasses worldly desires. Jesus was willing to go through tremendous abuse for you, because he loves you and you tell the lord f~you when you pray? You have to be willing to submit to God so he can heal your heart. Otherwise it will remain harden.

 

[Conversationand]

I'm not interested in surrendering to God, I'm not interested in putting aside my desires for God

Looks like you already know what the deal is. Believing isn't all there is. Even the demons believe. If you won't surrender or change why should God give anything more than the common grace that is poured out on all people? Do you really think that you can be unmoved and bend God to your will?

 

[seoulsearch]

I don't really want my post in this category but it's probably the best place. I guess I can torque it a little bit to fit.

I'm a miserable fella. I probably have no valid reason to be miserable, but I am very miserable. Somehow, I'm a 45 year old, but I have all the hopes, interests and desires that come with a 25 year old. I know that sounds really weird, buts that's whats going on and that's where I am at. Spending social time with people my age (especially with the intention of finding a companion) is generally not enjoyable, because I am not there with them in associating with the things that people in my age range have in their lives. In my mind I want to get away from the old people, but wait, I'm old too!

I had a Christian counselor that put me at the the bottom of Maslow's pyramid, still hunting for basic things. I feel that God is teasing me. Out and about, I may share a smile with someone I find attractive. But once again, God is teasing me because the other person will be half my age. How did I even get that smile when I look like crap.

I believe in God without a doubt, but my relationship with him has become different.

I pray when I get up and pray when I go to bed, and I pray in between. but it's not praise, worship or thanks. It starts with f-you. Then I ask God to make the day my last day and to blot me out completely after my judgement. I end my prayer with another f-you. I've been doing this for a long time. I do pray for others, especially those close to me that need prayer. But as for me, I now only ask for the one thing.

I'm not interested in surrendering to God, I'm not interested in putting aside my desires for God, I'm not interested in growing old in my current state of mind, I'm just not interested any longer. There is a fair amount of loneliness in my life, and it has become tiring. This isn't and adolescent tantrum. I have my concerns in order and I pray for my end. I wait patiently on God for an answer to what I ask for.

Hi ndsp,

Welcome to CC. After reading your post twice, there's a lot you've written that I can relate to. I understand well about relating to people in their 20's but not being one yourself. When I was 23, I had dreams of starting a family with my husband, finishing school and becoming a doctor, and finding a career in which I hoped to help others going through the same kind of depression and anger that you're describing.

All of that got thrown into the dumpster when I went through an unwanted divorce at 25. I quit school to take a full-time job to pay the bills and was never able to look back. But for nearly 2 decades I mourned that time in my life when anything seemed possible, with a full life that seemed to be just ahead of me, but found it to be crumpled and thrown away along with the dark shadows of the past.

I used to feel the same way as you did now, and all of my "prayers" were very much like yours--mostly venting out my anger at God, though I had been raised in church all my life.

I would like to ask, what are you hoping to accomplish with your post?

* Are you wanting to vent, and need people to listen?

* Are you hoping others will pray on your behalf?

* Are you hoping something will change within your heart?

Knowing the answers to these questions will give us some direction as to how we can help.

Unfortunately, I can't give you happy stories of life being put back together the way I envisioned it, and I have prayed earnestly for nearly 20 years that God would send me the "right" companion, but it has not happened, and I was hopping mad, as you are, every single day, for many of those years. But like you, I never stopped talking to God, and I hope you don't either.

You're talking to God--that's good!!! God can handle your anger and your pain, and He is the absolute best one to share it with anyway. Keep talking to Him. I will pray that at some point, God will break through the wall built up in your heart (I know it well, because I had built up an entire fortress) and I pray that He will give you a little ray of hope that grows just a bit, day by day.

I know that one thing God has changed for me is my focus. Instead of putting so much energy and hope on a companion, I now have a strong desire to help other singles cope with the challenges of their situation, and especially to help younger people avoid the poor choices I have made in my own life.

If you feel more at ease with talking to younger groups of people, would you feel comfortable acting as a mentor to others in some kind of activity you enjoy? Maybe a young men's sports league or group that you could be a part of that would give you a way to be social, and reach out to others?

I know it's hard to live every day under the burden of anger and disappointment, and all too often, it seems like there's no way out.

Please, don't stop talking to God, even if you're still angry, because prayer is an invitation for God to speak back to us and to direct us, step by step in our lives, even when we feel we have nowhere to go.

Please keep up posted. We will surely remember you in our prayers. God bless you.

 

[ndsp]

Thank you for all the replies!

Funny thing is, I've been taking up a lot of Christian material the past 6 months. Radio shows, books, reading scripture. I'm learning a ton; an absolute ton, but I just get more angry on the inside.

Believe me, I have no delusions of bending anyone my way.

Plus, God seems to have a way of breaking people to make them see. "I can't walk any longer and drool all over myself now while other people feed me, but I'm happy!". Ya, no... The f-you's would only increase.

 

[Ugly]

So, let me get this straight. You refuse to surrender to God in any way, shape or form. You only pray to tell God off and ask Him to help others. Then complain how your life is going and blaming God. It's rather humorous how blind you are.
You're like so many people eager to blame God while unwilling to commit to Him, then getting upset He doesn't make things go your way.
On the outside you simply sound immature in multiple areas of your life. And this attraction to younger women? Guess what, it stems from two things. One, many men would find a younger woman attractive. Not rocket science to figure that out. And second, usually when it becomes that strong it's because someone is clinging to their youth and refusing to own up to their age.
Fact is you can sit and blame God for everything and continue being miserable or you can grow up, start working on yourself and taking responsibility for yourself.
And, yes, you do sound like you're throwing a tantrum.

You may now process to ignore everything I've said, giving it no consideration at all (because that's mature) and get insulted instead of taking action.

 

[ndsp]

I would like to ask, what are you hoping to accomplish with your post?

* Are you wanting to vent, and need people to listen?

* Are you hoping others will pray on your behalf?

* Are you hoping something will change within your heart?

As someone else suggested, I know what is going on and probably the answer. I've also heard from several other sources aside from this post to stop thinking about myself. I just don't like the anger when it builds to the point that I don't want to live any longer. It spills out out all over and I become reckless.

In my introduction post, I mentioned how I'm the definition of road rage. When I am in this spot and if I happen to "trespass" someone on the road and receive a gesture in return, I will make the invitation to stop and hash it out. If I'm mad enough and the other party isn't interested in stopping, I may force the person to stop by getting in front of them, slowing down, not let them pass, and hash it out. This gets real for me sometimes and I'm getting tired of being this way. It's not all the time, but when it hits, it hits hard!

 

[blue_ladybug]

First of all, you DO NOT HAVE an relationship with God.. Not at all. You can't believe in Him, but start off prayers that begin with and end with "F you".. No wonder you're miserable. God doesn't hear your prayers of F you... You say you aren't interested in surrendering to Him, nor are you interested in putting aside your desires for Him. So basically you want to just stay stuck in a miserable life the rest of your life, do what YOU want to do, and tell God to F off.. Here's a news flash: God didn't promise us an easy life. Nor did He promise us a rosy, happy life. Go read some of the testimonies in that forum. Not that they will inspire you, but hopefully they will..

God isn't going to answer your prayer for Him to bring about your end. And you're NOT "old". You still have plenty of years left in you to go out and live life and find someone. So what if they're a few years younger than you? Get off your duff, stop complaining, stop telling God to F off in your unsincere prayers, and START showing him some gratitude instead of malice....

I don't really want my post in this category but it's probably the best place. I guess I can torque it a little bit to fit.

I'm a miserable fella. I probably have no valid reason to be miserable, but I am very miserable. Somehow, I'm a 45 year old, but I have all the hopes, interests and desires that come with a 25 year old. I know that sounds really weird, buts that's whats going on and that's where I am at. Spending social time with people my age (especially with the intention of finding a companion) is generally not enjoyable, because I am not there with them in associating with the things that people in my age range have in their lives. In my mind I want to get away from the old people, but wait, I'm old too!

I had a Christian counselor that put me at the the bottom of Maslow's pyramid, still hunting for basic things. I feel that God is teasing me. Out and about, I may share a smile with someone I find attractive. But once again, God is teasing me because the other person will be half my age. How did I even get that smile when I look like crap.

I believe in God without a doubt, but my relationship with him has become different.

I pray when I get up and pray when I go to bed, and I pray in between. but it's not praise, worship or thanks. It starts with f-you. Then I ask God to make the day my last day and to blot me out completely after my judgement. I end my prayer with another f-you. I've been doing this for a long time. I do pray for others, especially those close to me that need prayer. But as for me, I now only ask for the one thing.

I'm not interested in surrendering to God, I'm not interested in putting aside my desires for God, I'm not interested in growing old in my current state of mind, I'm just not interested any longer. There is a fair amount of loneliness in my life, and it has become tiring. This isn't and adolescent tantrum. I have my concerns in order and I pray for my end. I wait patiently on God for an answer to what I ask for.

 

[seoulsearch]

As someone else suggested, I know what is going on and probably the answer. I've also heard from several other sources aside from this post to stop thinking about myself. I just don't like the anger when it builds to the point that I don't want to live any longer. It spills out out all over and I become reckless.

In my introduction post, I mentioned how I'm the definition of road rage. When I am in this spot and if I happen to "trespass" someone on the road and receive a gesture in return, I will make the invitation to stop and hash it out. If I'm mad enough and the other party isn't interested in stopping, I may force the person to stop by getting in front of them, slowing down, not let them pass, and hash it out. This gets real for me sometimes and I'm getting tired of being this way. It's not all the time, but when it hits, it hits hard!

Again, there are many things I can relate to in your post.

I'm sorry that I can't make the full reply I want to right now, but I will be back to re-read your posts and hopefully answer back at a later time.

Hang in there!!!

God understands anger.

David, "the man after God's own heart", asked God to kill his enemies. It wasn't right, but God let him vent, and God understood.

Hang in there, ndsp. Don't give up, because God has not given up on you.

 

[ndsp]

So, let me get this straight....

I appreciate it.

 

[Innerfire89]

You are blaspheming God because you're going through a mid life crisis.

 

[preacher4truth]

I don't see anything remotely humorous about someones spiritual blindness...

ndsp...how long have you struggled mentally in your life?

 

[JesusLives]

First thing I thought of when I read your post was that you are angry and depressed. Many of us have been there. You said you are a miserable fella. Unfortunately life on this planet is not a bowl of cherries. Stuff happens or doesn't happen the way we would like for it to. Personally I have discovered that happiness is a choice.

I have been mad at God and didn't want to submit to Him because I thought I would loose me the person I am however, when you give your heart to God and surrender He then goes to work to make the best you that you can possibly be as He starts to mold you into his image.

I can remember walking across a parking lot to my car very angry at God and I was telling him so and saying I'm not going to talk to you a so there take that kind of deal when I heard a little chuckle with a what are you doing now? I did actually smile as it was ironic that I'm telling God I wasn't going to talk to him and yet it was the very thing I was doing... It made me realize God does have a sense of humor. Also realized that even though God didn't deserve me being angry at him that he was big enough to take it and let me vent. Makes him personable I think...makes him interested in every aspect of our lives and shows how much he loves us to let us throw tantrums which is exactly what I was doing.

I suggest you find a Christian counselor to talk things over with or your pastor and try to find out where your anger is coming from. Also suggest you open your Bible and read through Psalms and John as one book has plenty of praise to God and David pours out his heart to God sometimes being depressed and John is the love chapter both books could provide some encouragement to you.

As to wanting to hang out with or feeling like you are in the 25 age group. I'm 62 and still don't want to grow up and most of the time feel very young at heart so it's not so uncommon. I have tons of friends in all age groups but prefer the younger at heart too than the old people that my age says I should hang out with...lol Then again I have friends way beyond my age too. So guess I just happen to mostly get along with people you can too just takes practice. Don't stop talking to God and maybe one day you will be thankful you kept on talking to him.

 

[PennEd]

I don't really want my post in this category but it's probably the best place. I guess I can torque it a little bit to fit.

I'm a miserable fella. I probably have no valid reason to be miserable, but I am very miserable. Somehow, I'm a 45 year old, but I have all the hopes, interests and desires that come with a 25 year old. I know that sounds really weird, buts that's whats going on and that's where I am at. Spending social time with people my age (especially with the intention of finding a companion) is generally not enjoyable, because I am not there with them in associating with the things that people in my age range have in their lives. In my mind I want to get away from the old people, but wait, I'm old too!

I had a Christian counselor that put me at the the bottom of Maslow's pyramid, still hunting for basic things. I feel that God is teasing me. Out and about, I may share a smile with someone I find attractive. But once again, God is teasing me because the other person will be half my age. How did I even get that smile when I look like crap.

I believe in God without a doubt, but my relationship with him has become different.

I pray when I get up and pray when I go to bed, and I pray in between. but it's not praise, worship or thanks. It starts with f-you. Then I ask God to make the day my last day and to blot me out completely after my judgement. I end my prayer with another f-you. I've been doing this for a long time. I do pray for others, especially those close to me that need prayer. But as for me, I now only ask for the one thing.

I'm not interested in surrendering to God, I'm not interested in putting aside my desires for God, I'm not interested in growing old in my current state of mind, I'm just not interested any longer. There is a fair amount of loneliness in my life, and it has become tiring. This isn't and adolescent tantrum. I have my concerns in order and I pray for my end. I wait patiently on God for an answer to what I ask for.

Well if you came here with these concerns maybe you will heed the advice we give, as it may be from the Lord.

I can FEEL your pain. I wish I could wave a magic wand and take it away. Unfortunately I can't. You seem to be at serious odds with the One who can.

You understand your adversary, the enemy, WANTS you to be in this state, and NOT God!

Instead of praying to Him to take your life, why don't you pray to Him to GIVE you life!? And that eternal.

HE is the One waiting. Patiently too. Not willing that you will perish. ALLOWING the enemy to torment you to drive you into His Loving Arms.

He became human flesh. Concieved by the Holy Spirit. Born of a virgin. Suffered. Was crucified. Died to pay for YOUR sin. And rose again on the 3rd day to prove to you that you too can have eternal life! Confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord. Believe in your heart that God raised Him from the grave and you WILL be saved.

AFTER that, the Holy Spirit will work in you to conform you into the likeness of Jesus. Look up the fruits of the Spirit. One of which is JOY! It may be instantaneous that these fruits become who you are, or it may take some time for you to realize at that point that YOU are a child of God!

Dear Lord, thank You for Your incredible patience and for putting on his heart the nagging need for You, that won't go away til He rests in Your finished work. In Jesus Name I pray.

 

[PrynceNY]

As someone else suggested, I know what is going on and probably the answer. I've also heard from several other sources aside from this post to stop thinking about myself. I just don't like the anger when it builds to the point that I don't want to live any longer. It spills out out all over and I become reckless. In my introduction post, I mentioned how I'm the definition of road rage. When I am in this spot and if I happen to "trespass" someone on the road and receive a gesture in return, I will make the invitation to stop and hash it out. If I'm mad enough and the other party isn't interested in stopping, I may force the person to stop by getting in front of them, slowing down, not let them pass, and hash it out. This gets real for me sometimes and I'm getting tired of being this way. It's not all the time, but when it hits, it hits hard!

Demonic spirits can influence rage in people especially if they dont have the lord in their lives.They can also influence depression / despair in peoples lives. Hopefully you will decide to sincerely reach out to God for help. Otherwise they will have their way with you

 

[ndsp]

I don't see anything remotely humorous about someones spiritual blindness...

ndsp...how long have you struggled mentally in your life?

All of it.

 

[ndsp]

You are blaspheming God because you're going through a mid life crisis.

Not quite.

 

[preacher4truth]

All of it.

I see, thanks for your honesty.

Have you been on any types of medications to help you?