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ndsp
Guest
I'm not really down on mind altering medication. I've seen people get really messed up on even small doses of relatively light medications.
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I'm not really down on mind altering medication. I've seen people get really messed up on even small doses of relatively light medications.
ndsp,
I was where you are 6 months ago. It sucks right now, but just watch what God can do. If you are a true blood-bought, born-again Christian, Romans 8 is still true!!! Jacob wrestled with God before God renamed him Israel. God has a way of breaking us, but He also has a way of fixing us, too. Sometimes, it's in the same stroke of His Mighty Hand. Just hold on.
I was where you are 6 months ago. It sucks right now, but just watch what God can do. If you are a true blood-bought, born-again Christian, Romans 8 is still true!!! Jacob wrestled with God before God renamed him Israel. God has a way of breaking us, but He also has a way of fixing us, too. Sometimes, it's in the same stroke of His Mighty Hand. Just hold on.
I hear you. My brother was schizophrenic. He finally got on meds and did very well for a long while until he died about 4 years ago.
Are you supposed to be taking any meds as of now?
ndsp,
I was where you are 6 months ago. It sucks right now, but just watch what God can do. If you are a true blood-bought, born-again Christian, Romans 8 is still true!!! Also, Jacob wrestled with God before God renamed him Israel. God has a way of breaking us, but He also has a way of fixing us, too. Sometimes, it's in the same stroke of His Mighty Hand. Just hold on.
Sorry, had to repost to add the "also". Just hold on.
I was where you are 6 months ago. It sucks right now, but just watch what God can do. If you are a true blood-bought, born-again Christian, Romans 8 is still true!!! Also, Jacob wrestled with God before God renamed him Israel. God has a way of breaking us, but He also has a way of fixing us, too. Sometimes, it's in the same stroke of His Mighty Hand. Just hold on.
Sorry, had to repost to add the "also". Just hold on.
You're in the middle of life going after things of a 20 something year old.
Your problems are coming from what you want out of life. Those things won't give you fulfillment, everything in life is worthless without living for Christ who created life.
You have many things to be thankful for, you're not starving to death, you have clothes to wear, ect. ect. But God owes you none of those things, you sinned against the all powerful authority of the universe, the only thing you deserve is punishment, yet Christ died for sinners so they wouldn't have to be punished if they submit.
God is not some jenie that grants wishes even when you say " f you" to Him.
There is no excuse whatsoever not to submit to Christ, He is the Creator and authority, all that is good and prefect came from him.
This is the nicest way I can put this. Get your head in the game, repent, and live for Christ or you will burn.
I hope what I said gets through to you for your own good.
Your problems are coming from what you want out of life. Those things won't give you fulfillment, everything in life is worthless without living for Christ who created life.
You have many things to be thankful for, you're not starving to death, you have clothes to wear, ect. ect. But God owes you none of those things, you sinned against the all powerful authority of the universe, the only thing you deserve is punishment, yet Christ died for sinners so they wouldn't have to be punished if they submit.
God is not some jenie that grants wishes even when you say " f you" to Him.
There is no excuse whatsoever not to submit to Christ, He is the Creator and authority, all that is good and prefect came from him.
This is the nicest way I can put this. Get your head in the game, repent, and live for Christ or you will burn.
I hope what I said gets through to you for your own good.
Hi ndsp,
Well it looks like some people here have given you some great pointers, including seeking out a Christian counselor, which I hope you will consider. I don't want to repeat the helpful things many have taken the time to write, but I did want to tell you that you're not alone in how you feel.
I was so angry at God after my divorce, and many people told me the same things that some are saying here. I'm not saying it's bad, I'm just saying it didn't help me, and I do understand about how having more and more of what seems like "religion" thrown at you just makes you madder instead of wanting to go to God.
I was raised in church all my life and went to Christian schools, so I heard every good Christian cliche in the book, hundreds of thousands of times. Like you, people told me that God wouldn't listen to me because of my anger and that I needed to stop thinking about myself. And the more they talked, the angrier I became.
They told me God hated divorce--and so I asked if that was true, why didn't He change my husband's mind so that he'd leave his girlfriend and come back to me, as I'd prayed so many times. Then they told me God gives us free will and won't override it, but that I also couldn't remarry and would have to be alone for the rest of my life (and I was 25 at the time. So yes, I understand what it feels like to have your whole life end at 25 and seem to stand still, even though your chronological age keeps marching on. Also, my ex eventually remarried, but I never have.)
They told me God wouldn't listen to me because of my anger, and would physically back away from me as a way to say, "When He strikes you down with lightning, I don't want to be so close to you that I get hit by accident," and I would ask them, "If you believe God is all-powerful, why are you doubting His ability to aim accurately? At least I believe He's perfectly capable of hitting JUST ME if He intends to do so."
They told me I was just being rebellious and one time, one of the pastors of my church told the prayer group to not even bother "wasting the time to pray" for me because of my anger.
They told me to stop thinking of myself and get involved with helping others, which I did to the point of spending 5 nights a week at the church, and what they don't tell you is that when you shove your own pain aside and try to deal with it by serving everyone else, you never learn to deal with your own pain because you are only taking on everyone else's around you. All of their advice taught me just to feed my own pain with more pain, and I'm still having a problem with using that as a coping mechanism today.
I got to a point where all I was doing was seeking out other people's pain in order to try to forget my own, and I was a confused, miserable wreck who felt like God and any church I went to made everything worse, because a lot of their advice made me worse and not better.
But for some reason (only by the grace of God,) I still kept praying (even in all my anger, and my prayers sounded very much like yours), still kept going to church, and still kept serving, and I went on for years like that.
In the midst of all of this, I finally found some very wonderful people to help me, and who (through the heart of God) saw past my anger, or could relate to it, and kept encouraging me instead of cutting me down.
And so, I tell you all of this because I'm hoping it will give YOU some hope that God cares about, listens to, and loves even the angriest of people.
I know, because I was one of them.
Please don't be afraid to seek out help and keep seeking out Christian counselors, mentors, and friends. If the first person won't give you a chance... Go to the next 10... Or 20... And please don't give up. As you move along that journey, hold on to the hope that God will touch your heart and eventually change your outlook, and maybe even your life.
I know He did it for me, and I am positive He can do the same for you.
We serve a big God. Keep bringing Him your real feelings--He can handle them--but maybe, as a small token tonight, you could start by telling him just a small thank-you? Just for at least listening to how you feel?
I know this is what truly changed it for me--no matter how much, how strong, or how terribly I raged against God, He still kept showing me love, even though at the time, I didn't realize that He was showing His love by listening to me--and that's what eventually broke through to my heart. I got to a point where I knew, or could feel, that God was listening to me.
And I became amazed by the realization that God loves me no matter how terrible I am... until one day, I finally realized, I couldn't live without Him. And neither can you.
God bless you in your journey, and please don't stop trying.
Yep...I understand how you feel...I still use my wheelchair...it's been nearly 5 years...but I've haven't used it much for the last 5 months...when I gave my self over to God and instead of praying for an end...I prayed for a new beginning. I didn't hand God my desires...I handed Him my will...and I pray for my desires...and He's fulfilling them in His time...
Satan helps us break ourselves...God takes those broken pieces and uses them for His good and ours because of His love...you kinda got it backwards friend 
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ndsp
Guest
Thank you all for the thoughtful replies! I really hate this unnecessary down side feeling. It's embarrassing to admit that I even allow myself to feel this way, but it always shows up and takes over. Every reply has given me something to think about.
Thank you seoulsearch for all your effort in replying to me and showing me I'm not alone.
And thank you Lighthearted for popping in and not having to say much at all to make a point.
I have a fear that is similar to what parents say to a crying child. The "I'll give you something to cry about" - which almost makes me mad all over again, but I will pray to sustain.
I don't really get out much. I work, I'm tired, that is all. Rinse, repeat. My world is small. And the more I think about it right now, I'm pretty much useless to God. How I can serve, when all my energy is spent on work?
To clarify my comment that relates to younger women: if I do get out, it's a work lunch, and there is always a flirty waitress. In my naivety, I feel wanted. But how do I realistically approach such a gap in age, and what can I offer someone so much my junior. Then I get depressed, because I see the time has passed me by, and I didn't notice the time when it was my time. Or I need to find a restaurant where the staff is closer to my age. Or maybe I should just eat my lunch.
Thank you all again!
Thank you seoulsearch for all your effort in replying to me and showing me I'm not alone.
And thank you Lighthearted for popping in and not having to say much at all to make a point.
I have a fear that is similar to what parents say to a crying child. The "I'll give you something to cry about" - which almost makes me mad all over again, but I will pray to sustain.
I don't really get out much. I work, I'm tired, that is all. Rinse, repeat. My world is small. And the more I think about it right now, I'm pretty much useless to God. How I can serve, when all my energy is spent on work?
To clarify my comment that relates to younger women: if I do get out, it's a work lunch, and there is always a flirty waitress. In my naivety, I feel wanted. But how do I realistically approach such a gap in age, and what can I offer someone so much my junior. Then I get depressed, because I see the time has passed me by, and I didn't notice the time when it was my time. Or I need to find a restaurant where the staff is closer to my age. Or maybe I should just eat my lunch.
Thank you all again!
J
joefizz
Guest
Well allow me to "enlighten you" to your supposedly small world and uselessness,you clearly have decent eye sight,that's a blessing,you are. "able" to work,that's a blessing,you obviously can "drive" so you still have good motor skills,that's a blessing,you have had alot of time to live when you could have died,that's a blessing,and to top things off you are now whether you are aware or not of it "Talking to people around the entire world from many diverse countries through this 1 site,and that "Can" be a blessing to you for you may not realize but you have "Found" a "Family" here,Me,and all those who have responded to you and may talk or discuss with you in the future,so you are in a "Huge" world,all that's been missing is "You",and as far as the being useless goes,do you not even realize that by coming on to this site and speaking as you have that you have broken the boundaries of your supposedly small world and have declared honestly how you are feeling toward God,let me emphasize this to you,noone here necessarily will know your real name unless you want someone to but under your username you have confessed your feelings not just to merely members that are in the hundred thousands but millions of people as well if they search on google,so you aren't simply talking to us always here but you are talking to "The World" anonymously,and that is hardly something neither I nor God finds "Useless" for sharing your "True feelings" can lead you to change to not just believing upon God enough to curse him,but opening your heart to God,as I'm sure he has been waiting for you to do for so many years,for he has more "blessings" waiting for you,but he has to know that you can "manage" and "appreciate" what you do have,and "Try" seeing things through his eyes,and allowing him to guide you to what to do and say,he has not forgotten "You" so "Try" to remember "Him",you may think it bizarre and crazy as we all might have at one time,but I'llI see this,it doesn't hurt to do things God's way because "as for God's way his way is perfect",though of course I won't force you to do anything for that is not how one is to "come to God" baptism and salvation aren't to forced on anyone just as "Loving" God is not to be forced for Love is not something you simply recite it is what has always been beyond words to describe yet so wonderful to have in our lives,I hope this will help you make "Peace" with God for he already Loves you and desires to bless you,if you desire proof,ask yourself,why did I seek to be at this particular site that has "Devout followers of God,when I could have "Stayed" miserable,good night ,and May God bless you!
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ndsp
Guest
Thank you Joe. It's good thing I came here *****ing about essentially nothing because it seems I needed a good reset. I'm still very angry, but more appreciative.
Well my brush with burnout wasn't so long ago that I can't remember. I remember feeling, " I don't want to talk to God because he's just going to ask me to do something more, and I don't have the energy for that" and feeling that my willingness was grossly taken advantage of by sticking me with the crap jobs that no one else wanted.
The path out starts with thanksgiving. Taking time to deliberately find something to be thankful for even if it's something simple like having a place to sleep tonight or nice weather or a friend who came by or ice cream. Another thing that helped me was making a list of my disappointed expectations (it went to 3 pages) all the things about my experience that had thrown me, worn me down, made me feel outside, disconnected or less. I find writing things out to be a great way to break the stuck cycle of thoughts just spinning around in my head without resolution, so I'd recommend that to you.
As for the seriousness of refusing to give thanks and the consequences. Romans 1:21 points it out: Yes, they knew God, but they wouldn’t worship him as God or even give him thanks. And they began to think up foolish ideas of what God was like. As a result, their minds became dark and confused.
So what do you think God is like (vindictive, merciful, jealous, petty, generous, kind, loving, spiteful, irritable, domineering) and based on what evidence? Where does that opinion come from? Staying stuck is an option, but so is finding some way to process all the anger and misery inside (writing, counseling, finding a good friend to dump on who can help point out your blind spots, etc.) so you can get past it. I think God very much intends to answer your prayers that you don't want to go on like this; but you want him to answer by ending your life and he's much more likely to answer giving you opportunities to end the crap in your thoughts and life so that you can see how good your life is and can be.
The path out starts with thanksgiving. Taking time to deliberately find something to be thankful for even if it's something simple like having a place to sleep tonight or nice weather or a friend who came by or ice cream. Another thing that helped me was making a list of my disappointed expectations (it went to 3 pages) all the things about my experience that had thrown me, worn me down, made me feel outside, disconnected or less. I find writing things out to be a great way to break the stuck cycle of thoughts just spinning around in my head without resolution, so I'd recommend that to you.
As for the seriousness of refusing to give thanks and the consequences. Romans 1:21 points it out: Yes, they knew God, but they wouldn’t worship him as God or even give him thanks. And they began to think up foolish ideas of what God was like. As a result, their minds became dark and confused.
So what do you think God is like (vindictive, merciful, jealous, petty, generous, kind, loving, spiteful, irritable, domineering) and based on what evidence? Where does that opinion come from? Staying stuck is an option, but so is finding some way to process all the anger and misery inside (writing, counseling, finding a good friend to dump on who can help point out your blind spots, etc.) so you can get past it. I think God very much intends to answer your prayers that you don't want to go on like this; but you want him to answer by ending your life and he's much more likely to answer giving you opportunities to end the crap in your thoughts and life so that you can see how good your life is and can be.
N
ndsp
Guest
God gave me some cool things, but it just feels like a tease. I work so much that I have no energy to do anything else. that's why I carry on about being alone at 45. If I go in public, I will get a smile from a woman every time. I'm not terrible looking and I'm generally thin because I don't eat much. I just don't have the energy to deal with another person in my life. I can do music; been part of my life for 30 years. There was a time I thought I might volunteer time and do some songs at a retirement home. But these days I barely get home from work without falling asleep at a stop light. Been like that the last 7 years, and it's not going to stop anytime soon. You are right, there are tons of things to be thankful for. But regardless, I'm tired of being alone. And that makes me angry. I think God can be a tease. And to think that life is only going to get tougher, or I'm only going to get older and shittier looking. No, I'm still for turning it all off.
Oh believe me, ndsp, some of us know all about God seeming to be a tease.
Not long after my husband left, I went to a church, and who happened to sit in front of me, but a beautiful, young happy couple with a brand-new baby. Throughout the entire service, they were giving each other pats, hugs, and looks of affection, while cradling their newborn together with adoring affection.
The wife had beautiful long blonde hair, almost to her waist, and I wanted to strangle all three of them with that amazing Rapunzel-esque hair. I couldn't believe how cruel God was, when I had a lot of good church people telling me I couldn't even consider getting remarried again. And over the years, all my younger relatives got married and had families. I have had the chance to hold a lot of babies--but never one of my own.
I also understand about having one's energy drained by working all the time. I don't know what kind of contact you have with your co-workers, but something that's worked for me is trying to get to know some of the people I work with.
It can take a long time. I have just now met 2 women I regularly say hi to and it took almost 2 years to meet and connect with them. But like anyone else, they have a lot going on in their lives, and so I try to make it a point to stop and ask them, "How are things going? How's that (big project you're working on?) How are the kids?" and listen for a few minutes while we are working. God has also given me a great opportunity to start asking one of the women about faith and their beliefs, as I found out one of the children in their family is named after a Biblical character.
I know it's not as grandiose as going on a year-long mission trip to build houses in areas that were destroyed by a hurricane (which is no doubt very important work), but I believe God blesses our small efforts to take care of other people, too. And you would not believe how much some people are relieved just to have someone ask about their day or their lives. I have met some people who planned to kill themselves that day, and someone stopping them to ask how their day was going actually saved their lives.
I definitely understand raging to God though, no matter how bad, or even how good, one might seem to have it in life.
Maybe when you talk to Him today, even in your anger, you could maybe just acknowledge that He's listening to you? Maybe something like... "RAGE RAGE RAGE RAGE (if that's what you need to get your feelings out to Him)... (and then) and yes, I know you're listening to me."
Maybe in a few days or weeks if it takes some time, you could even add, "AND (grumble grumble grumble)... Thank you for listening," even if you don't have the feelings to go with it just quite yet.
At least it's a start. Hang in there, ndsp. MANY of us here are single, and have been so for a VERY long time. Many of our married friends here were also single for extended periods of time, and have invaluable advice to offer.
If you'd like, keep hanging out with us in the singles forum. We like to talk and hang out (and yes, complain about our singleness from time to time), and you're welcome to join us. And you're welcome to check out parts of the other forums as well.
I noticed in your posts what while you seem to long for a companion of sorts, you said you also can't handle being around another person. Isn't it ironic? I have felt this too. I know that when I feel especially lonely for a significant other, I often go read the Family Forum for a few minutes, because it reminds me of all the hard work it actually takes to be around other people.
To be honest, I usually wind up thanking God that I'm still single!
We are all seeking God in our own way. You are not alone. At least talking to Him is still walking with Him, even if you're still throwing air punches all the way. Keep trying. Don't give up.
I STILL have my times (and a lot more often than I admit) when I rage at God, too. But you know what? He still keeps listening, every time. And that is one of the things I love most about Him. Maybe someday that will work for you too, or maybe it will be something else that comes through to you about how amazing God is. And if you wish, keep talking to us here about your journey. Even in these last few posts, you've opened and shared quite a bit, and I know God will honor that.
(See? He's still listening... Really, He is.)
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ndsp
Guest
God will honor that? All I've been doing is belly aching over nothing really. I've watched plenty of people I love suffer an die. My complaints are nothing.
I personally believe, and I could be wrong, that God honors those who seek Him.
And if you're still talking to Him, even though it's all in anger... And even if you can't admit it, yes, you are still seeking Him.
Now, I could be wrong about that, but I know that when I was at my angriest, having all the good church people come at me with pitchforks and torches telling me I'd better change my attitude or I'd burn in hell only made me angrier--it certainly didn't make want to know anything more about God. It might help some people, but for me, it only made me all the more hateful.
And do you know what I did? I just added that to my long list of complaints. I told God how much I hated these people who were supposedly representing Him and messing me up all the more. And I told Him it was His fault, because He just let them carry on and allowed them to believe they were "doing His work" and "helping" people "see the light" (albeit, by carrying a burning torch and waving it in front of them
.) And maybe their methods do work... for some people. I just know that they didn't help me at all. They only made it worse, and to this day, I'm still recovering from all the damage they did. But somehow, in the midst of all that mess (and all of my own complaints about nothing), God never lost sight of me... and I know He can do the same for you.
You're still talking to Him--therefore, you're still allowing Him a way to communicate back to you. And just from these past few posts you've made... It's easy to see there's a lot more to what's going on that just your anger.
Be sure to tell God about those things as well.
P.S. Do you have a favorite Bible verse, chapter, or book of Scripture? Maybe you'd want to try reading that today... ?
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ndsp
Guest
Thank you for talking with me.
To be honest, whether I'm ungrateful or not, I talk to God all day long. If he's not going to let me out, he better help me through it. Sorry if I offend some of the other repliers to this thread, but that is how I feel and that is how my conversations go with God sometimes. Lately I've been downright mean and blasphemous. If God has a problem with that, he knows right where I am.
I'm sure other people have said things similar, but I did not ask God to give me life so I could play his little sorrow and torture game. the off switch is a reasonable request.
I generally enjoy proverbs. I do read Matthew, John and Luke repeatedly. I'd like to read revelations, but that is probably irrelevant to my stage of faith.
To be honest, whether I'm ungrateful or not, I talk to God all day long. If he's not going to let me out, he better help me through it. Sorry if I offend some of the other repliers to this thread, but that is how I feel and that is how my conversations go with God sometimes. Lately I've been downright mean and blasphemous. If God has a problem with that, he knows right where I am.
I'm sure other people have said things similar, but I did not ask God to give me life so I could play his little sorrow and torture game. the off switch is a reasonable request.
I generally enjoy proverbs. I do read Matthew, John and Luke repeatedly. I'd like to read revelations, but that is probably irrelevant to my stage of faith.
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You are very welcome.
See? There you go. In some small corner of your heart (and it might seem VERY small), you still believe. And you are still seeking Him out.
Oh believe me, I offended plenty of people, and I'm sure I probably have with my own posts here as well. But God will help you work it out. Thank you for being humble enough to apologize--that's very kind of you.
Some very precious Godly people once took the time to see through my own anger and told me something no one had ever said in all my years of Christian schooling: God is big enough to handle our pain and anger. They told me that the best thing I could do was to be HONEST with Him, NO MATTER how bad it was. After all, He's God. It's not like we can hide it from Him anyway. Might as well just tell Him about it and duke it out, although another wise person said, "Your arms are too short to box with God."
But God HIMSELF tells us, "1 Peter 5:7 -- Cast ALL your cares on Him, because He CARES for YOU."
Notice the word "all" your cares. God doesn't say, "Just tell me the good, the pretty, the sugar-coated version..." Nope. God says, "Go ahead and spill it ALL."
I also love Isaiah 1:18, in which God HIMSELF says, "Come now, LET US REASON TOGETHER; though your sins be like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow." God INVITES us to come and tell Him EVERYTHING.
I do understand the feeling that we never asked for this life, but yet God makes us walk through it. I have struggled with that feeling all my life as well. I am adopted and though I was just an infant, I have told God many times, "You could have just let me die in the streets (or in the womb) and no one except two, and maybe only one, person would have even known I existed." I don't have any easy or pat answers--and it's a daily fight, for sure. But for some reason, even if we don't know what it is, God saw fit to put us here.
I also find it helpful to subscribe to a site like Our Daily Bread, as it will send short, daily devotionals to my email, and reminds me to read God's Word daily, if even for just a few minutes.
I'm thinking of that old saying: "When you're going through hell, don't stop and pitch up a tent!" Just keep going.
It's cool that you've come here and told us your story... because it means you're still keeping up the good fight.
See? This is awesome!
I just read Matthew recently, and remember the cool promise Jesus gives us at the very end of Matthew?
Matthew 28: 20 -- Surely I am with you, to the very end of the age.
God will not leave us, even in our own moments of anger, bitterness, and complaint (and believe me, I have plenty of them.)
As for reading Revelation, why not? I would suggest reading something from the other portions of the Bible along with portions of Revelation, just to give you some encouragement while you're discovering a part of Scripture you might not be as familiar with.
See? You're on your way. I don't know if you're familiar with "Finding Nemo" or "Finding Dory" (and I do know it seems a little childish
), but... to paraphrase... "Just. Keep. Walking." Or in this case, reading. 
God understands the human condition very well and is quite used to people getting angry at Him. I get mad at God a lot when I'm at work. I pray that the day goes well and a lot of times it goes south. That's the way it goes I guess. He's certainly does not deserve me getting mad at Him but He understands full well and forgives me when this happens.