Wife Doesn't Respond To Sex Anymore

  • Christian Chat is a moderated online Christian community allowing Christians around the world to fellowship with each other in real time chat via webcam, voice, and text, with the Christian Chat app. You can also start or participate in a Bible-based discussion here in the Christian Chat Forums, where members can also share with each other their own videos, pictures, or favorite Christian music.

    If you are a Christian and need encouragement and fellowship, we're here for you! If you are not a Christian but interested in knowing more about Jesus our Lord, you're also welcome! Want to know what the Bible says, and how you can apply it to your life? Join us!

    To make new Christian friends now around the world, click here to join Christian Chat.
T

TJacob

Guest
#1
#1
Wasn't sure on a title but.
Wife and I are in mid 20's. Married for 3 years. This past year we had our first baby. He's now 16 months old. After he was born she went thru post pardom depression and I don't think ever bounced back. Coupled with she's dealt with aniexty and depression all her life as well abused at a younger age.
Since then she's been almost focused on my son and doesn't respond like a wife it feels like. Always forgetting things I've asked for just in general. Isn't loving or concerned about alone time with me. I love my son and family time but also need alone time with my wife. When it comes to sex there are time we might have it twice a month or none at all. She says she wants more sex but is having issues that she is dealing with and refuses counciling or anything. This has gone on for about a year.
. This sounds selfish but this no sex is killing me. I need some encouragement or advice or something
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#2
#2
It doesn't sound selfish at all. The bible actually instructs married believers to come together regularly (sexually) to ensure Satan does not gain a foothold in the marriage. Though i do not suggest using that scripture as a way to coerce your wife into sex. The purpose of the scripture is for the reader, not to use against your spouse.

I suggest you sit and talk with her. Be calm, explain what issues you're having and how her behavior makes you feel. Don't speak in accusing tones or statements, but rather sharing what's going on internally with you and how you're affected. Share with her your concerns for your marriage and family due to these issues not being addressed and dealt with.
The less you come across as 'you have a problem and need to change' and the more you reflect 'this is what's going on and the effects it's having on US' (not just you, but the family) and remind her you love her and want to make your marriage strong again. Show support and understanding instead of accusation. Make it about her getting better, not what you want. And, if you don't already, start working on Meaning it as well. Not just as a tool to get your way.
Something like that seems like your best option. As one who has dealt with depression most of my life i can tell you how you come across and word things will make a big difference in what kind of response you get. Of course all people are different. This may do nothing. But it seems to be a good place to start. My thought is don't expect a big change, but rather be grateful for the smallest step she may take.
Also consider some counseling for yourself. Perhaps a family counselor and just start going alone. They may have advice for you as well. And in the event you are able to convince your wife to go to counseling you have already established yourself with someone, so the door is already open.
 
O

oldethennew

Banned
#3
Feb 28, 2016
11,311
2,976
113
#3
great Post, Ug,

but there are obviously many things going-on here that have not been forth-coming...

I often grieve that the worst parts are 'left-out'...
 
T

Tinuviel

Guest
#4
#4
Very, very normal for your wife; a lot of women go through this. A lot of woman feel a need for physical closeness, but not as much need for sex as men do. And right now she's actually getting that physical closeness from her baby...if I can say that without it being taken in a creepy way. Have you talked to your wife about your need for her to be there for you? Do you make an effort to spend one-on-one time with her outside of the bedroom? (Not questions you need to answer on the forum, just things to be thinking about). Kids are a big adjustment to any marriage; as in all changes in our lives, God is ready to help. Cry out to Him. God bless you, brother.
 
Dino246

Dino246

Senior Member
#5
Jun 30, 2015
25,830
13,971
113
#5
Welcome to CC!

I am concerned that you say your wife refuses counseling. That is a red flag, which indicates one or more of several things: that she doesn't think her issues are serious (most deadly!); that she doesn't understand biblical counseling (and therefore would do well to try it); she has a fear or misconception about the intent of counseling (common).

Pray that she would come to be willing to try it. As Ug said, take that initiative yourself, so lead the way and to get the help you need.
 
Lighthearted

Lighthearted

Senior Member
#6
Oct 17, 2016
1,779
818
113
54
#6
I was also abused when I was younger. If this was not an issue in your intimate relationship before the baby then it isn't now.
I had a baby at 42. I am still being treated for postpartum because I'm still having some long term effects from the complications I had. Did your wife have a hard pregnancy? If so this might be part of the issue. Maybe she's afraid to get pregnant again right now. I don't know.
I think Ugly had some good advice...just try not to put more on her as she already has enough obviously bringing her down.
Maybe she's just taking her role as mother over her role as wife. It's very hard with maternal instinct embedded in your makeup to differentiate the two.

The first...always to do...is go to the Lord in prayer and ask Him to direct your mind,body, and spirit on what to do and how to handle it.
May God bless and guide you.
 
LadeyGuess

LadeyGuess

Junior Member
#8
Sep 23, 2011
5
0
1
#8
Sometimes, it can be a physical illness which causes lack of interest in sex, especially after having a baby. Your hormones can go wild. Wouldn't hurt to rule it out.

Forgetting things, anxiety, depression, no sex drive, these can all be signs of thyroid and adrenal and sex hormone issues. Your average doctor doesn't do the correct tests to check all these, and doesn't know how to treat these well, so I'd recommend seeing a functional doctor or a naturopathic MD for a complete check-up of these issues and more. (iron, vitamin D, etc.)

God bless.
 
Z

Zi

Guest
#9
#9
Sorry to hear. How was her pregnancy and her attitude or spirits going into birth? I had horrible ppd.. Her problem could be any number of things. Maybe she doesn't want to get pregnant again. Does she like her body? As in self image issues from not looking like she used to.. I wonder what her thoughts were about how childbirth would go and what she'd think or be like after the birth..

I had always wanted kids and when I had one, things that I never thought about suddenly depressed me.. all the things I was facing really brought me to a low place and I wasn't interested in anything. I was kinda zombie like.

counsel can turn people off because you have to be honest in order for it to help and maybe she doesn't want to tell anyone anything..
I pray that she not feel ashamed or embarrassed to admit or share and realizes that a healthy life is worth a little discomfort to get some help thats needed...
what used to work before to get things going? im not asking to be told but just to spark some thought.. she like flowers? or dishes washed? you may have a lot that you do but if you want her to feel like she has time and not be so heavy, youre gonna need to lighten her load.. just some advice... find some way to make her feel light again.. if she ever was.. now if she has always been distant then I have no advice.

just advice. I am not assuming I know exactly what to do. Women change and right now you have a different woman to get to know.. She may not even be sure of who she now is

I'm not putting all the work on you with the mindset that she's got no fault. I'm just suggesting ways to bring her to agreeable grounds .. I'll pray for you as well
 
L

LookUp1430

Junior Member
#10
Jul 7, 2017
22
0
0
#10
First of all, thanks for reaching out via this forum. You are obviously a loving husband and father who cares deeply about his wife and son. It would be so easy to seek "fulfillment" elsewhere, but that would, honestly, lead to emptiness and heartbreak. Having experienced a similar situation, I came to realize that, against my initial beliefs, my wife was not rejecting ME personally. Something was going on inside her body. Over time, and with a little outside help, things got better.

Childbirth puts a woman's body through a pretty traumatic experience. Developing and then carrying and then passing a human being through your body has a physical impact. Just like any traumatic experience, the body goes into a self-defense and recovery mode that might take a while to complete. You also mentioned your wife suffers from other issues she's dealt with for some time, and I would assume you knew about these before you got married. Mix all this together, and...well, maybe she is dealing with a lot right now.

Although you indicated she is unwilling to go to counseling, that doesn't mean you can't. Maybe a few chats with a pastor or a counselor can help you develop a plan to walk with your wife during this hard time for her (and it is hard for her too). Here are a couple of links to quick-read articles that might relate to what you are going through. Husband Frustrated over Wife's Lack of Interest in Sex | Focus on the Family Frequency of Sex in Marriage | Focus on the Family Both link to a number you can call if you want to chat with someone who might be able to help you through this tough time.

I am praying for peace and patience in your heart as you go through this struggle.
 
B

blessedby1

Junior Member
#11
Aug 15, 2017
23
0
0
#11
Continue to show her your love- Romans 12:12 “Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.” As you patiently wait, let your time of waiting draw you closer to the LORD, use your time to be steadfast in reading God’s word, meditating, obeying and of course praying with and for your wife. I love what someone once said, “Patience is not the ability to wait, but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting.” There is a time for everything, and season for every activity under the heavens. Ecclesiastes 3:1. As you spend time in prayer, asking the Lord that your wife would understand your needs, be that man of God whom you are called to be: the priest of your home, protector, provider and pursuer (even when you are getting what you want).
God Bless

 
O

oldethennew

Banned
#12
Feb 28, 2016
11,311
2,976
113
#12
if your union is of God, then He will set you both free and bring about
what is needed in your relationship, - pray to Jesus for patience brother,..
 
Angela53510

Angela53510

Senior Member
#13
Jan 24, 2011
11,786
2,960
113
#13
If she is on anti-depressants for PPD depression, they can kill sexual drive, male or female. She might want to talk to her doctor about trying a different AD, which may affect her less in this area.

You are obviously frustrated to death. But please, do not go the adulterous route to satisfy your unmet needs. That is even worse than what is happening now!

I am concerned about her abusive past, and that she refuses conselling! Don't just accept this state of affairs. Maybe try and woo her back with date nights and the like, if you have not tried? With no expectation after, on your part.

It sounds like you might have grown apart. Try and find ways to reconnect. If that doesn't work, definitely get counselling for yourself. I'm sorry you are going through this!
 
C

cc84

Guest
#14
#14
As others have suggested, I would try just talking to her about it. If she is not receptive, I can speak from experience that even going to counseling by yourself can be helpful.
 
mailmandan

mailmandan

Senior Member
#15
Apr 7, 2014
25,644
13,622
113
59
#15
Ugly said:
It doesn't sound selfish at all. The bible actually instructs married believers to come together regularly (sexually) to ensure Satan does not gain a foothold in the marriage. Though i do not suggest using that scripture as a way to coerce your wife into sex. The purpose of the scripture is for the reader, not to use against your spouse.
Click to expand...
Amen! 1 Corinthians 7:3 - The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. 4 The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
 
OneFaith

OneFaith

Senior Member
#16
Sep 5, 2016
2,270
369
83
#16
TJacob said:
Wasn't sure on a title but.
Wife and I are in mid 20's. Married for 3 years. This past year we had our first baby. He's now 16 months old. After he was born she went thru post pardom depression and I don't think ever bounced back. Coupled with she's dealt with aniexty and depression all her life as well abused at a younger age.
Since then she's been almost focused on my son and doesn't respond like a wife it feels like. Always forgetting things I've asked for just in general. Isn't loving or concerned about alone time with me. I love my son and family time but also need alone time with my wife. When it comes to sex there are time we might have it twice a month or none at all. She says she wants more sex but is having issues that she is dealing with and refuses counciling or anything. This has gone on for about a year.
. This sounds selfish but this no sex is killing me. I need some encouragement or advice or something
Click to expand...
Unless there is a reason why she physically can't- such as old age, broken bones, or recent surgery, she should not be neglecting you. Even if she's not in the mood because of depression, and can't get aroused, they sell like KY jelly- so at least you can have your sexual appetite fed. The Bible says that her body no longer belongs to just her, but to you, if she agreed to marriage, and visa versa. And not to abstain from sex unless both of you agree to do so, and for a set amount of time.

On your part, you need to flirt with her, spoil her with caresses, and kiss her often- like on her head, lift up her hand and kiss her hand- even during non-sexual times. Go out of your way to spoil her with affection and kind words. Massage her feet. Bring her flowers. And take her out on a date. Play her romantic songs- all the things you did to court her in the first place.
 
Dreamstate

Dreamstate

Banned
#17
Aug 27, 2017
521
9
0
#17
It's very sad when a woman is in a condition of having very little enthusiasm for sex, it's such a pleasurable thing isn't it ? If I was in that situation I would be looking for what she needs to make her feel comfortable and I wouldn't set a time limit.
 
B

bigjohn

Guest
#18
#18
you both need to get some help. if you don't it will just get worse.
 
P

Pencildot

Guest
#19
#19
It happens to some women after giving birth. Give it some time and see your gp regarding this. I had the same issue. It's difficult for someone who is not going through this hormonal change to understand the problem.
 
Dreamstate

Dreamstate

Banned
#20
Aug 27, 2017
521
9
0
#20
Pencildot said:
It happens to some women after giving birth. Give it some time and see your gp regarding this. I had the same issue. It's difficult for someone who is not going through this hormonal change to understand the problem.
Click to expand...
:D Well Dr "He's now 16 months old." Do you really expect a woman to be in a hormonal stage for that long ? Seriously ?
 
You must log in or register to reply here.