Wife (w/Depression) Left on Sunday - Please Pray for Her & Our Family

[Solemateleft]

On Sunday my wife who is suffering from a severe depression (lost soul) moved out and left me and our 16 year old son (we also have two older kids in college)...

She desires to seek a legal separation in pursuit of a divorce. After 26 years – I was blind – I never saw this coming - I thought we had a good marriage and thought I was living the dream...
Most people who know us – believed we had an ideal family, happy marriage and an amazing (Romeo & Juliet like) love story…

In hind sight - I wish I had seen and understood the signs much earlier... I feel like I was blinded by the stress of my job, striving to be a good provider, and trying to be there for all three of our over-achieving kids to be successful… I failed to see how severe her depression actually was... It felt as if I was always helplessly one step behind, as she began to shut me out of her life since Oct of last year after her depression was triggered. In an unusual state of stress and weakness I made the mistake of saying she was selfish – as we had what I thought was a trivial spat over the car A/C (was her last straw)…
Instead of reaching out to her mother, sisters or myself I caught her spending time with a divorced male friend of hers (she has confessed to having an emotional relationship).
I made the well-intended mistake of trying fight for my marriage (her counselors/therapists would not advise me of what to do to save our marriage) and made some mistakes along the way… I made the mistake of consulting with her parents and mistaking her symptoms as bi-polar…
She has stopped seeing her therapist (suffers from anxiety, emotional instability, paranoia, and has sabotaged other relationships (mother, sisters, myself, son etc). When asked about her priorities she says they are 1) her faith, 2) herself, 3) her kids… She concedes that she has changed, but has no desire to change back as she is determined to seek her peace and happiness by pursuing her complete independence.
She blames others (myself and my son) for not appreciating, loving or respecting her for her sacrifices as an at home mother… She had career transition anxiety, but has recently landed a job with FEMA and immediately leaped to relocate with a one year lease on an apartment (owner had recommended a 6 mo lease)… Compelled to ensure one year legal separation regardless of the consequences…
I feel like I have failed my kids and my family by not being able to keep us together to whether this storm - I'm not used to failure – (we’ve weathered our fair share of storms over 26 years of marriage) so it is a major life-changing crisis and struggle that I am striving to cope with...

I'm finding strength in the lord and striving to become the best version of myself possible...
I pray that the lord will help my wife find her way out of her depression, but as I interpret her symptoms, decisions and behavior – willingness to leave her 16 year old son at home...
I fear that she may not recover – it is as if darkness has smothered the beam of light that once shined from her soul...

Please pray for her recovery for her soul, for our kids our family and for myself...

 

[Amberlight]

If you have never experienced mental illness it can be very difficult to coexist.
There will come a point where another party might feel so pressured put down and abused they might choose to leave.
What i suspect your wife is experiencing.

 

[SweetmorningDew78]

I just prayed for you,your wife and your kids.... And I will include you and your family in my daily prayers.


God bless you and your family ❤

 

[red_red_wine]

Dear Soulmateleft,
I hate that you are going through this. Please don't blame yourself cause this is not your fault. You have got to concentrate on your son and you now. Your son is at a very tender age and you both need to lean on each other. Stay strong and pray. Pain will ease off and things will come together again. When she sees' that you are doing much better and your son is excelling she will realized the mistake she made. Hang in there...I will pray for you and your son. Stay strong, pray and trust in the Lord for he will guide you...Amen

 

[Amberlight]

Dear Soulmateleft,
I hate that you are going through this. Please don't blame yourself cause this is not your fault. You have got to concentrate on your son and you now. Your son is at a very tender age and you both need to lean on each other. Stay strong and pray. Pain will ease off and things will come together again. When she sees' that you are doing much better and your son is excelling she will realized the mistake she made. Hang in there...I will pray for you and your son. Stay strong, pray and trust in the Lord for he will guide you...Amen

I do not suggest anyone to give up on their marriage that easy and i would think nether do he.

 

[Lighthearted]

On Sunday my wife who is suffering from a severe depression (lost soul) moved out and left me and our 16 year old son (we also have two older kids in college)...

She desires to seek a legal separation in pursuit of a divorce. After 26 years – I was blind – I never saw this coming - I thought we had a good marriage and thought I was living the dream...
Most people who know us – believed we had an ideal family, happy marriage and an amazing (Romeo & Juliet like) love story…

In hind sight - I wish I had seen and understood the signs much earlier... I feel like I was blinded by the stress of my job, striving to be a good provider, and trying to be there for all three of our over-achieving kids to be successful… I failed to see how severe her depression actually was... It felt as if I was always helplessly one step behind, as she began to shut me out of her life since Oct of last year after her depression was triggered. In an unusual state of stress and weakness I made the mistake of saying she was selfish – as we had what I thought was a trivial spat over the car A/C (was her last straw)…
Instead of reaching out to her mother, sisters or myself I caught her spending time with a divorced male friend of hers (she has confessed to having an emotional relationship).
I made the well-intended mistake of trying fight for my marriage (her counselors/therapists would not advise me of what to do to save our marriage) and made some mistakes along the way… I made the mistake of consulting with her parents and mistaking her symptoms as bi-polar…
She has stopped seeing her therapist (suffers from anxiety, emotional instability, paranoia, and has sabotaged other relationships (mother, sisters, myself, son etc). When asked about her priorities she says they are 1) her faith, 2) herself, 3) her kids… She concedes that she has changed, but has no desire to change back as she is determined to seek her peace and happiness by pursuing her complete independence.
She blames others (myself and my son) for not appreciating, loving or respecting her for her sacrifices as an at home mother… She had career transition anxiety, but has recently landed a job with FEMA and immediately leaped to relocate with a one year lease on an apartment (owner had recommended a 6 mo lease)… Compelled to ensure one year legal separation regardless of the consequences…
I feel like I have failed my kids and my family by not being able to keep us together to whether this storm - I'm not used to failure – (we’ve weathered our fair share of storms over 26 years of marriage) so it is a major life-changing crisis and struggle that I am striving to cope with...

I'm finding strength in the lord and striving to become the best version of myself possible...
I pray that the lord will help my wife find her way out of her depression, but as I interpret her symptoms, decisions and behavior – willingness to leave her 16 year old son at home...
I fear that she may not recover – it is as if darkness has smothered the beam of light that once shined from her soul...

Please pray for her recovery for her soul, for our kids our family and for myself...

Your situation is devastating to say the least. Satan obviously has a foothold with your wife. Just remember that God is in control and can move mountains! I will pray for all of you to find strength, hope, and victory over Satan in Jesus' name! Amen!

 

[Angela53510]

I think there is a lot you have left unsaid. Perhaps you have been emotionally unavailable, which drives most women crazy. Or, perhaps you have been over-controlling. This attempt to go back to work, may be the chance for her to have control of her own life, maybe for the first time, if her Dad was also controlling.

Women don't run away normally just because of depression! But they get depressed when they feel they have no control over their lives except the kitchen and the laundry room!

On the other hand, the fact that she blames your 16 year old son also, suggests her vision is a bit blinded. He may also have picked up your controlling and unappreciative ways, but, that is on both you and her for raising him that way, not him. I will say, I knew a man whose parents split up when he was 16. He really never recovered. He has never held a job, or got a career. Just played music in bars, tried to work angles with welfare and so forth. He would often talk about his parents getting back together, but even after both his parents divorced their second spouses, they never got back together, and his father passed away at 93, a single man!

So, what she has done to your son, is very harmful IMO. But, he also needs to change. He needs to learn to do dishes, pick up his clothes, vacuum, etc, etc. The days of women being the hired help is really over! You will be doing his future spouse a favour, by training him a bit!

What can you do? Can you go for marriage counseling, yourself? I don't mean go to someone and work on yourself. I mean go and find out where you went wrong. Work on changing those behaviours. I think you genuinely love your wife, but maybe the things you were doing outwardly did not communicate that to her.

And pray for both of you to change. You need to change in a real and tangible way, that respects her boundaries. Learn how to cook and clean. If she does come back, and she is working, then you will need to share those responsiblities anyway. I'm not sure if there are videos or courses, but you might get:

Boundaries and the Boundaries in Marriage books by Christian psychologists John Preston and Henry Cloud.

They are excellent books, and might be a great place to start in figuring out where you went wrong, and how to change

 

[blue_ladybug]

No offense, but your post reeks of ignorance. Depression and mental illness are two separate entities. Many people here, including myself, have depression or know someone who has it. I'm sure not ALL of those people are mentally ill to boot.. :/ Obviously the OP's wife has severe issues that add to her depression, but I doubt it's caused by her being mentally ill..

If you have never experienced mental illness it can be very difficult to coexist.
There will come a point where another party might feel so pressured put down and abused they might choose to leave.
What i suspect your wife is experiencing.

 

[Dino246]

...
Boundaries and the Boundaries in Marriage books by Christian psychologists John Preston and Henry Cloud.

They are excellent books, and might be a great place to start in figuring out where you went wrong, and how to change

A quick correction: the books are by John Townsend and Henry Cloud.

 

[Solemateleft]

Thank you all for your prayers, support and words of encouragement... I get emotional just reading the sincerity and compassionate consideration... I'm not used to asking for help and I do miss being the recipient of such thoughtful, giving consideration...

Thank you, and God Bless all of you...

 

[red_red_wine]

Amberlight,
Nowhere in my post did I mention giving up on his marriage. Perhaps you need to read it again...

 

[Solemateleft]

I think there is a lot you have left unsaid. Perhaps you have been emotionally unavailable, which drives most women crazy. Or, perhaps you have been over-controlling. This attempt to go back to work, may be the chance for her to have control of her own life, maybe for the first time, if her Dad was also controlling.

Women don't run away normally just because of depression! But they get depressed when they feel they have no control over their lives except the kitchen and the laundry room!

On the other hand, the fact that she blames your 16 year old son also, suggests her vision is a bit blinded. He may also have picked up your controlling and unappreciative ways, but, that is on both you and her for raising him that way, not him. I will say, I knew a man whose parents split up when he was 16. He really never recovered. He has never held a job, or got a career. Just played music in bars, tried to work angles with welfare and so forth. He would often talk about his parents getting back together, but even after both his parents divorced their second spouses, they never got back together, and his father passed away at 93, a single man!

So, what she has done to your son, is very harmful IMO. But, he also needs to change. He needs to learn to do dishes, pick up his clothes, vacuum, etc, etc. The days of women being the hired help is really over! You will be doing his future spouse a favour, by training him a bit!

What can you do? Can you go for marriage counseling, yourself? I don't mean go to someone and work on yourself. I mean go and find out where you went wrong. Work on changing those behaviours. I think you genuinely love your wife, but maybe the things you were doing outwardly did not communicate that to her.

And pray for both of you to change. You need to change in a real and tangible way, that respects her boundaries. Learn how to cook and clean. If she does come back, and she is working, then you will need to share those responsiblities anyway. I'm not sure if there are videos or courses, but you might get:

Boundaries and the Boundaries in Marriage books by Christian psychologists John Preston and Henry Cloud.

They are excellent books, and might be a great place to start in figuring out where you went wrong, and how to change

Hi Angela,
I do appreciate your candor and yes - you are correct - there is a lot that has not been included...
I have beat my self up over 'what else could I have done' and I do own up to my failure and it breaks my heart to realize that I was so blind to not be there for her when she was at her lowest - to not recognize how vulnerable she really was...
I accept my faults, I know my limitations and recognize that I am imperfect... After 26 years of marriage I have tried my best to be a giving husband, to learn from my mistakes and strive to learn from previous mistakes to become a better person...
We have gone thru several series of marriage counseling, marriage retreats, audio/video tapes on "Men are from Mars, women from venus", the Five Agreements, the Five Love Languages (she doesn't have one or two, but I was trying to work all five more often than I had realized)... Over the years I've given her cards, gifts, flowers just because above and beyond the normal special days and holidays... I'd take her dancing, throw her surprise B-day parties, we'd have great anniversary getaways.
The last 9 months she has just shut me out, and has resisted all propositions, acts of kindness... I regret that I thought that we were getting enough date nites... In hind site I wish I had made time to do more of everything and anything to help mitigate her depression and anxieties...
Our biggest challenge was disciplining the children - unfortunately she seemed to have a blind spot to other's stresses (was difficult for her to avoid conflict or confrontation)... Where her tendency was to administer disciplinary action while in a high state of emotional instability, I struggled to find a way to run interference (without making things worse) to try to convince her for us to sleep on it, and make a more rationale and reasoned decision to ensure the punishment fit the offense... Unfortunately, it was never so easy and compromise was always a challenge for her...
As a woman who sacrificed a career to be an at home mom (kept herself busy with lots of part-time stuff) - she struggled with the fact that her kids would misbehave - I know this hurt her inside...
Anyway - yes - there are lots of details still not addressed (26 years is a long time and it is not my intention to disparage my wife), but I think it is important to know that my in-laws and I remain in gracious terms - my mother-in-law and I cry together when we see each other, and my daughter has described me as a gentle giant... My weakness is/was to defend my children when they are being treated unfairly, and while I believe I have gotten so much better over the years - I did used to defend myself as well, but I learned (about 10 years ago - see my miracle story) that it was always easier just to concede... Unfortunately, during times of high winds and stress, when branches can no longer bend they will eventually snap...

God Bless

 

[tourist]

I see nothing in your post that indicates that her soul is in jeopardy. Apparently, her perception is that you were insensitive to her needs as a woman, wife and mother. While this may or may not be totally accurate I believe that is what is going on and it probably took years for her to reach the point where she thought a major lifestyle change was necessary for her to have peace and growth.

The best case scenario is that her depression may be lifted and she will come back to you. Based on your post that seems unlikely to happen. By all means continue to pray for your wife but be prepared to move forward without her.

 

[LookUp1430]

Oh man. I am very sorry you are going through this. It was very hard for me to read your post as I can feel the pain in your words. I am sure it was even harder for you to write. I'll certainly keep both you and your wife in my prayers.

In the prodigal son, Jesus told us the father watched (and I assume prayed) every day for his son to return. When he did, the father ran to him, hugged him, and welcomed him back. At this point, perhaps this is the position that would be appropriate for you to take. Continue to pray, and if she returns, hug her and welcome her back.

In the mean time, there are probably some practical measures that should be taken to help you and your kids deal with the hurt of the separation. Even though you said your wife stopped seeing a counselor, maybe you and your kids (either alone or together or both) should consider seeing a counselor or meeting regularly with your pastor or a small group at your church. This could help you maybe devise a way to reach out to her in a way that she might find inviting to return. If not that, then maybe it will provide a meaningful way for you all to get through this difficult time. I have attached an article that might provide some other important information when dealing with a separation. It is a quick but worthwhile read.

Once again, I am sorry you are going through this. I am praying for peace in your heart and for peace in your wife's heart too.

 

[Solemateleft]

LookUp1430 - thank you brother - I do appreciate your thoughts, prayers and insights.

 

[ayoung73]

[FONT=&quot][/FONT] [FONT=&quot]As she works through her confusion Jesus, allow this woman to see you, to hear your advice, and to heed your wisdom and will! Do not allow darkness, this world, and mental illness destroy this marriage or this person. Provide for those left behind, comfort them, and allow them to grow through this adversity. Give them peace and bring them back together if it is your will o’Lord. Also, the man, involved in the EA, Jesus, convict him, allow him the knowledge of his wrongdoing and soften his heart. Change him through your Holy Spirit and help him to lead this woman back to her family, have mercy on them both! Amen.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]It is a lot to process, and I am sorry to read of your troubles…but it sounds like you are doing the right things, praying, diving into your faith, allow the Lord to wash over you by reading His word and talking to your pastor. Yes it’s embarrassing talking to your pastor about infidelity and trouble, but this feeling of failure is only a snare left by the devil, it is meant to keep you down, it is designed to force you to look inward and blaming yourself and so on and so on…a cycle. It isn’t your fault, you may have made mistakes but she is the one ultimately responsible for her feelings and actions! You can’t force someone to do something they don’t want to do. Her behavior may be driven by her mental illness, depression is a crazy affliction and makes people do out of the ordinary things.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Admitting an emotional affair to anyone is difficult, when my wife had one I failed to seek out spiritual help, which I believe is the reason it took so long to recover. It ISN’T YOUR FAULT! My relationship with my wife is far better than it ever was because of the EA, I thank God for it, it saved us both….of course this is easy to say 10 years afterward, but it was evident three years into our post affair marriage (that it was better), I couldn’t thank God then, but around the five year and on my viewpoint toward the idea softened and I am able to thank Him for the trial which burned away impurities in both of us. He may have a different lesson for you, but do not allow anything to hold you down, get yourself down on your knees and pray…allow God to lift you up. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Throw everything at Jesus, give him your anger, pride, suspicious, hatred, all of it…trust in Him, it is hard, I know, I still struggle with it today….give in and give yourself to God! I will continue to pray for you and your family![/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]But Jesus said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]2 Corinthians 12:9[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Psalm 56:3-4[/FONT]

 

[I_am_Canadian]

Hey, I think your first mistake is being a work-a-holic, by spending most of your time at work, you have neglected your family, and neglected the most important issue in a relationship, The Spiritual part of the relationship.
See women are not like men, they are more spiritual minded where men are physically minded.
For example, You thought working to provide for family was important, and to some extent it is, how ever when a woman is depressed, she wants her man by her side, she would have prefered you stayed home to look after her, you know talk to her,
or take her out to dinner, or buy her flowers. A small token of gratitude for the sacrifices she made and a token of love and appreciation for what she has done.

From her perspective, you abandoned her in her time of need, and shes reached out to another man to fill the void you left by going to work. Why would you guys fight over a car and air conditioner? they are materialistic items, that serve no other purpose than to fill your life with convenience. All an Air Conditioner can do is lower the temprature of a room, and all a car can do is get you from point A to Point B, and break down at inconvenient times, lol.

The other mistake you did is assume you knew her problems, If your not a physician, how can you tell the difference between depression and Bi-Polar Disorder? See it was good to recognise that there was a problem, and it was good to try and fix it.
How ever your mistake is making an assumption in an area where you have no training or experiance.

You should have taken her to a doctor if you suspected depression or Bi-Polar, for proper treatment. Then you should have gotten some books and movies on the subjects to give yourself some insight into the issues your dealing with so you could make a better descision on the issue.

All you can do is love her, pray for her, and hope that Jesus brings her back to you, and if she admits to making some mistakes, make sure your prepared to forgive her, and not hold it against her. You may want to think about sending her
some flowers and a thank you card, just let her know that no matter what happens, your at least thankful for all the work and time she has invested in your life.

When you write the card, write it from the heart, don't just use some cheap crap posted on facebook or any where else on the internet. I hope this helps you.

On Sunday my wife who is suffering from a severe depression (lost soul) moved out and left me and our 16 year old son (we also have two older kids in college)...

She desires to seek a legal separation in pursuit of a divorce. After 26 years – I was blind – I never saw this coming - I thought we had a good marriage and thought I was living the dream...
Most people who know us – believed we had an ideal family, happy marriage and an amazing (Romeo & Juliet like) love story…

In hind sight - I wish I had seen and understood the signs much earlier... I feel like I was blinded by the stress of my job, striving to be a good provider, and trying to be there for all three of our over-achieving kids to be successful… I failed to see how severe her depression actually was... It felt as if I was always helplessly one step behind, as she began to shut me out of her life since Oct of last year after her depression was triggered. In an unusual state of stress and weakness I made the mistake of saying she was selfish – as we had what I thought was a trivial spat over the car A/C (was her last straw)…
Instead of reaching out to her mother, sisters or myself I caught her spending time with a divorced male friend of hers (she has confessed to having an emotional relationship).
I made the well-intended mistake of trying fight for my marriage (her counselors/therapists would not advise me of what to do to save our marriage) and made some mistakes along the way… I made the mistake of consulting with her parents and mistaking her symptoms as bi-polar…
She has stopped seeing her therapist (suffers from anxiety, emotional instability, paranoia, and has sabotaged other relationships (mother, sisters, myself, son etc). When asked about her priorities she says they are 1) her faith, 2) herself, 3) her kids… She concedes that she has changed, but has no desire to change back as she is determined to seek her peace and happiness by pursuing her complete independence.
She blames others (myself and my son) for not appreciating, loving or respecting her for her sacrifices as an at home mother… She had career transition anxiety, but has recently landed a job with FEMA and immediately leaped to relocate with a one year lease on an apartment (owner had recommended a 6 mo lease)… Compelled to ensure one year legal separation regardless of the consequences…
I feel like I have failed my kids and my family by not being able to keep us together to whether this storm - I'm not used to failure – (we’ve weathered our fair share of storms over 26 years of marriage) so it is a major life-changing crisis and struggle that I am striving to cope with...

I'm finding strength in the lord and striving to become the best version of myself possible...
I pray that the lord will help my wife find her way out of her depression, but as I interpret her symptoms, decisions and behavior – willingness to leave her 16 year old son at home...
I fear that she may not recover – it is as if darkness has smothered the beam of light that once shined from her soul...

Please pray for her recovery for her soul, for our kids our family and for myself...

 

[Prov910]

When asked about her priorities she says they are 1) her faith, 2) herself, 3) her kids

You might point out to her that none of these three things will be improved by divorce. Divorce is contrary to #1 (faith), and will hurt #3 (kids). If she truly values #1 and #3, then it won't be helping #2 (her) out either.

 

[kewi]

My Husband whom suffers from Depression and FMS .
He recently left me without warning I came hope to a note left on the kitchen bench and his wedding ring .
The night before I did snap something I regret over a vacum cleaner at 2 am when I had to work the next day stupid really however I never expected it to be the last straw for him.
We also were the perfect couple. Ive tried to do and give all that I can for him for us .
We have been together for 9 yrs known each other for 12yrs and only married for one year .
Weve been through so much together .
He has been gone for 6 wks now I feel lost we have seen each other a couple of time general small chit chat . he has said by me doing things for him im treating him the a child by making appointments for him Im not giving him a choice and trying to control him . He said this all abuse. Blames me for everything however can not see I didnt see he was feeling this way At the time I thought I was doing the right thing.
He now messages me out of the blue when tells me he doesnt want to hear from me wont discuss finances house car our dog bills ect isnt will to see a counsellor with me .
Ive admitted my fault but its seems he doesnt know what he wants . says nice things one minute then nasty the next .
I want my best friend back and I want my husband back . I pray for him and me everyday
I pray for you and your family too .

 

[Solemateleft]

Here is my new best friend, my 7 month old GoldenDoodle - he teaches me something new every day... Without him I do not know how I would be able to cope. I love his example of 'unconditional love', he comforts me when I am sad, and he calms me when I become an impatient puppy owner... He helps me to laugh, to play and to have fun - when i otherwise wouldn't be compelled to... He teaches me patience in trying to figure out what he is trying to communicate to me thru his behavior (sometimes mischief)... He teaches me how to be a better person and accept that if/when he messes or chews on something he wasn't supposed to - that I need to accept my responsibility for failing to create better conditions for him to be the most obedient and loyal companion - that is all he really wants; once i realize this - I am humbled to see that he has taught me something new yet again... He is my new best friend, and he is genuinely helping me on my path to become the best version of myself possible...

God Bless - Thanks again for everyone's prayers and moral support...