Since Silly and I quit talking I haven't really prayed. Not on purpose, no rebellion or anything. I didn't realize it for a while, actually. And when I did I felt like I "should" but never did.
But I made the mistake, last night, of looking at pics of her. I'd forgotten how beautiful she was. It genuinely surprised me that she still could mesmerize me the way she did.
The downsound was I did this right before going to sleep. So, I dreamt about her. It was a version of her filtered through my hopes and fears, and not fully her. But her enough that I knew who she was.
I suppose it's no surprise I dreamt of her. The past week it seemed I'd have multiple thoughts a day of what it would be like having a future with her. Maybe I'd feel an anxiety or fear or something negative and then flash to how I wish she were there. She has a calming affect on me. Made me feel more at ease with myself or what I was going through. So with the ideas of a future and the issues I'm dealing with now I've been missing her more. Even missing her in my future, which is weird to me haha.
While I'm not convinced this dream was from God (and anyone that wants to argue that point save your breath) I do remember the last thing she said in the dream, which maybe God threw in.
She said "pray for me", then the dream ended and I woke up. I stated to pray but fell back asleep two seconds later haha.
I did pray for her. And will from now on, and pray more in general now.
But that is so like her, it represented her so well. That one short line, coming from her, was enough to push me just enough to set me in motion again. She did that a lot. I miss that. Even 100s of miles away and not talking she, in one way or another, pushes me to do better, be better.
She, of course, would deny that it was her, but God. She always said that. And no doubt God had His hand in things. But it still was that one person that affected me in ways none other had. So that still speaks to me about that person.
Not the most popular Christian attitude but like it or not that's how I see things.
At any rate, I miss Silly.