How Do You Handle "This Person is Talking to Me, so We Must be Dating" (but You're Not Actually Dating) Situations?

[seoulsearch]

Hey Everyone,

Have you ever had this type of situation happen to you?

Let's say that you start talking to someone, whether in real life or on the internet, and it starts to become a pretty regular thing. Maybe you're talking, chatting, texting, or PM'ing every day and things start to look like they're becoming "serious."

* So what happens when one person sees it as just being friends, and the other person sees it as being something more?
* How does either person figure out what's really going on?
* Should you just blatantly ask them, "Hey, are we dating?"

The reason I bring this up is because with more and more people meeting over the internet, it often seems that two people might start communicating with one thinking it's no big deal--that they've just met a new friend-- while the other person is thinking that it means they are dating, and feels bitter and mislead when the other person backs away or stops talking.

This seems to be especially true online, where it seems like many people who have no experience talking to the opposite gender might develop regular communication with someone for the first time, and so they conclude that this must be how dating happens and assume that they have no entered into a dating relationship with that person, but the other person sees it only as a friendship.

Is there any way to cut through the awkwardness and confusion?

I've been on both sides of the coin and I know it's not pleasant for either person. Just because I'm talking to someone regularly doesn't mean I'm dating them. And yet, I've made the same mistake before (actually, several times) of thinking that regular interaction with someone I liked meant that we were turning into something (and we weren't.)

I'm never quite sure how to handle it because I don't want to sound pretentious by saying, "Hey, by the way... are we dating?" (I remember a long time ago, I tried asking a guy I'd been talking to if he saw me as his girlfriend and he flatly said NO. I was crushed, and haven't tried asking that since, lol.)

Has any of this ever happened to you or someone you know?

How have you handled it, and what would your advice be to others?

I'm really interested in hearing how other people deal with this, from either or both sides of the situation.

 

[Tommy379]

I don't have high hopes for the internet. I don't have any experience in that situation either. Therefore, I have no real advice to offer. I'm really just writing this, so I can follow what other people say. Just clicking the watch button doesn't seem to do the trick.

I will say though, if I communicated that much with someone, I probably dig them at least a little bit. I would rather meet that person in real life, before getting the hearts swirling around my head. And as a rational, reasonable, meat eating man, if I were asked, I would tell exactly the truth.

I just don't see how dating on the internet would work.

 

[Lynx]

The following answer is strictly off-the-cuff on my lunch break:

Open communication seems to be the way to go. A no right now will hurt, but a no later will hurt much more. The only reason to put off asking the question is if you think the answer will change later... Which I have never seen happened before.

Of course this is only based on what I have observed from people around me...

 

[seoulsearch]

I don't have high hopes for the internet. I don't have any experience in that situation either. Therefore, I have no real advice to offer. I'm really just writing this, so I can follow what other people say. Just clicking the watch button doesn't seem to do the trick.

I will say though, if I communicated that much with someone, I probably dig them at least a little bit. I would rather meet that person in real life, before getting the hearts swirling around my head. And as a rational, reasonable, meat eating man, if I were asked, I would tell exactly the truth.

I just don't see how dating on the internet would work.

I can understand why a lot of people wouldn't have high hopes for the internet. I wonder about that myself, because it's so easy to present what I call "TV Sitcom Syndrome" when they're online. All you see are the best parts that the person chooses to present at the time.

However, I have a long history of forming meaningful friendships with only words and long distances, so I guess that why I'm open-minded to it. When I was a teenager (long before the advent of the internet), I wrote to long-distance pen pals who eventually came to visit my family--one from Japan, and one from across the US. The part that still amazes me about my friend from Japan is that we set that visit up solely through hand-written letters that took two weeks to get to each other from either way. And, we couldn't Google one another to see if either of us had a criminal record.

I have also traveled long distances to meet people whom I only knew through writing. Sure, they could have turned out to be axe murderers but so could the person I'm sitting next to at the doctor's office.

In past years, two CC'ers have visited me and met my family as well, so maybe my experiences might be a bit of an anomaly. I've also done a bit of moving around, so that wouldn't bother me so much depending on the situations (and as long as I felt that the other person was giving, or giving up, just as much as I was.)

I know that a long-distance relationship is a challenge very few people can take on, but I guess I still hold on to the notion that if it was a relationship that God approved of, He would pave a way in order for it to work.

 

[tourist]

I don't have high hopes for the internet. I don't have any experience in that situation either. Therefore, I have no real advice to offer. I'm really just writing this, so I can follow what other people say. Just clicking the watch button doesn't seem to do the trick.

I will say though, if I communicated that much with someone, I probably dig them at least a little bit. I would rather meet that person in real life, before getting the hearts swirling around my head. And as a rational, reasonable, meat eating man, if I were asked, I would tell exactly the truth.

I just don't see how dating on the internet would work.

It can only work if both have the wherewithal and desire to actually meet, sooner rather than later, and a good idea where the relationship is going and where both want it to go. I would not recommend online dating with someone in another country though as that can get real expensive, time consuming and complicated. Of course, my brother dated a woman in the Philippines and ended up marrying her the same year so even in those types of situations it is possible.

I can see how it is possible to draw the wrong conclusions chatting and texting with someone you haven't met, especially if you are new in forming a relationship. If I were single, and started to communicate online with a woman, after a week or so I would be wondering if this is something that I really want to do and wondering if the other person was wondering the same thing.

 

[tourist]

I can understand why a lot of people wouldn't have high hopes for the internet. I wonder about that myself, because it's so easy to present what I call "TV Sitcom Syndrome" when they're online. All you see are the best parts that the person chooses to present at the time.

However, I have a long history of forming meaningful friendships with only words and long distances, so I guess that why I'm open-minded to it. When I was a teenager (long before the advent of the internet), I wrote to long-distance pen pals who eventually came to visit my family--one from Japan, and one from across the US. The part that still amazes me about my friend from Japan is that we set that visit up solely through hand-written letters that took two weeks to get to each other from either way. And, we couldn't Google one another to see if either of us had a criminal record.

I have also traveled long distances to meet people whom I only knew through writing. Sure, they could have turned out to be axe murderers but so could the person I'm sitting next to at the doctor's office.

In past years, two CC'ers have visited me and met my family as well, so maybe my experiences might be a bit of an anomaly. I've also done a bit of moving around, so that wouldn't bother me so much depending on the situations (and as long as I felt that the other person was giving, or giving up, just as much as I was.)

I know that a long-distance relationship is a challenge very few people can take on, but I guess I still hold on to the notion that if it was a relationship that God approved of, He would pave a way in order for it to work.

You are a wonderful and amazing woman and it amazes me that you are still single and the right person hasn't shown an interest in you yet. You also have a good attitude and a well-balanced approach to life and seem content with where you are right now even though you may have a desire to change that one day. When I first joined I would have definitely considered you if I were about 10 - 15 years younger. Of course, you don't care for cucumber but I am sure even that difference could have been resolved.

 

[seoulsearch]

The following answer is strictly off-the-cuff on my lunch break:

Open communication seems to be the way to go. A no right now will hurt, but a no later will hurt much more. The only reason to put off asking the question is if you think the answer will change later... Which I have never seen happened before.

Of course this is only based on what I have observed from people around me...

It's a tough road to navigate.

One of the reasons I wrote this thread is because I have seen this happen many times on CC as well.

I don't want to pin this on either gender so here's an example:

Christine/Christopher are both introverts and not used to talking to members of the opposite sex. But as they get used to the forums, they each start bantering with a member of the opposite sex (Dan/Dana.) Over time, both Christine and Dan and Christopher and Dana are in situations in which they are PM'ing each other regularly, and maybe even talking or texting.

Christine and Christopher both interpret this communication/attention from a guy/girl as being romantically inclined, and perhaps start getting a bit more demanding of Dan/Dana's time, or become jealous and bitter if they see Dan/Dana interacting with other members of the opposite gender on the forum.

Christine/Christopher start making comments to other or even publicly that Dan/Dana is a player who just strings people along.

But if you take the time to hear Dan/Dana's side of the story, they will tell you that they only saw Christine/Christopher as a friend, and never meant for it to be anything more.

I'm never quite sure what the best way is to handle these situations, because I know that I'd feel slightly uncomfortable asking someone I hadn't known for very long if he liked me that way. I'd feel like I was being a snob and somehow just expected men to fall for me (which isn't true at all, lol.)

But if it was someone I had been talking to for a long time and felt comfortable with, I'd want to have "a talk" about where we stood and where the future was headed.

Unfortunately though, I think a lot of these types of misunderstandings happen very early on when two people are communicating, and when one backs away, the other one feels they have no choice but to assume the worst.

 

[Dino246]

It is certainly easy to infer something is happening which isn't... especially if you are actively looking and/or lonely and/or relationally inexperienced.

It's worthwhile being up-front about your interest... or absence of it. Not being open and honest on this matter will likely do you both harm later. A little disappointment won't kill anyone. Who knows... maybe they are on the same page as you, and the clarification will free you both to enjoy the connection for what it is.

 

[Tommy379]

I can understand why a lot of people wouldn't have high hopes for the internet. I wonder about that myself, because it's so easy to present what I call "TV Sitcom Syndrome" when they're online. All you see are the best parts that the person chooses to present at the time.

However, I have a long history of forming meaningful friendships with only words and long distances, so I guess that why I'm open-minded to it. When I was a teenager (long before the advent of the internet), I wrote to long-distance pen pals who eventually came to visit my family--one from Japan, and one from across the US. The part that still amazes me about my friend from Japan is that we set that visit up solely through hand-written letters that took two weeks to get to each other from either way. And, we couldn't Google one another to see if either of us had a criminal record.

I have also traveled long distances to meet people whom I only knew through writing. Sure, they could have turned out to be axe murderers but so could the person I'm sitting next to at the doctor's office.

In past years, two CC'ers have visited me and met my family as well, so maybe my experiences might be a bit of an anomaly. I've also done a bit of moving around, so that wouldn't bother me so much depending on the situations (and as long as I felt that the other person was giving, or giving up, just as much as I was.)

I know that a long-distance relationship is a challenge very few people can take on, but I guess I still hold on to the notion that if it was a relationship that God approved of, He would pave a way in order for it to work.

It can only work if both have the wherewithal and desire to actually meet, sooner rather than later, and a good idea where the relationship is going and where both want it to go. I would not recommend online dating with someone in another country though as that can get real expensive, time consuming and complicated. Of course, my brother dated a woman in the Philippines and ended up marrying her the same year so even in those types of situations it is possible.

I can see how it is possible to draw the wrong conclusions chatting and texting with someone you haven't met, especially if you are new in forming a relationship. If I were single, and started to communicate online with a woman, after a week or so I would be wondering if this is something that I really want to do and wondering if the other person was wondering the same thing.

I'm quoting both of y'all in the same post for a reason.

I keep forgetting that my ex met someone online, 2000 miles away, and they seem to be working out right now.

I guess this is one of the few things, along with snakes, that frighten me a little.

I have been into females that were long distance before. I guess I'm old school, and I've only have had an online presence for a little over two years now. Before I was separated, I only went online to look at gun and car parts. CC is the first and only forum I've been on.

And the sitcom situation Seoulsearch is writing about..... that's probably what scares me, but I have talked to some really good people here, on the forums and in private, and I tend to trust the ones who will admit some of the bad stuff.

I'm going to be out cruising the US in the next few years. Seeing my kids and all, maybe I can meet some of y'all along the way.

I don't fear for any physical danger from online peeps, I am more scared of falling for someone who isn't what they seem. I don't mind psycho, I just don't want it to surprise me.

 

[tourist]

I'm quoting both of y'all in the same post for a reason.

I keep forgetting that my ex met someone online, 2000 miles away, and they seem to be working out right now.

I guess this is one of the few things, along with snakes, that frighten me a little.

I have been into females that were long distance before. I guess I'm old school, and I've only have had an online presence for a little over two years now. Before I was separated, I only went online to look at gun and car parts. CC is the first and only forum I've been on.

And the sitcom situation Seoulsearch is writing about..... that's probably what scares me, but I have talked to some really good people here, on the forums and in private, and I tend to trust the ones who will admit some of the bad stuff.

I'm going to be out cruising the US in the next few years. Seeing my kids and all, maybe I can meet some of y'all along the way.

I don't fear for any physical danger from online peeps, I am more scared of falling for someone who isn't what they seem. I don't mind psycho, I just don't want it to surprise me.

I would be happy to meet you Tommy. Also, my wife has a 38 year old daughter who is pretty, witty, amusing, single and available. We'll throw some steaks on the barbie and later take it pool-side along with some cold beverages.

 

[Tommy379]

I would be happy to meet you Tommy. Also, my wife has a 38 year old daughter who is pretty, witty, amusing, single and available. We'll throw some steaks on the barbie and later take it pool-side with along with some cold beverages.

I'll take you up on it.

It might be awhile before I get down there. I have some lawyers to pay off.

 

[PennEd]

I can only give you my perspective when I was single.

My thoughts were ALWAYS on finding a girl to be a wife. So if a girl was talking to me slightly more than small talk, I was thinking she might be into me, and if I found her attractive at all, I tried to move toward a relationship.

That's how I'm wired. For wrong or right.

 

[seoulsearch]

I can only give you my perspective when I was single.

My thoughts were ALWAYS on finding a girl to be a wife. So if a girl was talking to me slightly more than small talk, I was thinking she might be into me, and if I found her attractive at all, I tried to move toward a relationship.

That's how I'm wired. For wrong or right.

You're definitely not alone, Ed (and thank you very much for stopping in to give your input here on the threads... it's much appreciated. )

I think the majority of single people, especially on this and other social media sites, are also geared this way.

I know I used to be, until God kind of knocked me upside the head via several mishaps, lol.

Now I try to never assume unless blatantly told, but even then... Every now and then, I might just muster a tiny dash of hope.

 

[Tommy379]

I would like to say I would tell someone I was seriously into them over the internet, but I keep coming back to having to do it in person. I'd hate to get someone's hopes up, meet them for real, then have a different opinion then. Doesn't seem fair to the other person.

Maybe I think too much.

 

[seoulsearch]

I would like to say I would tell someone I was seriously into them over the internet, but I keep coming back to having to do it in person. I'd hate to get someone's hopes up, meet them for real, then have a different opinion then. Doesn't seem fair to the other person.

Maybe I think too much.

It's totally understandable, Tommy, and I admire that you have the gusto to want to say it in person.

I'm not sure I could in a lot of situations, so kudos to you.

It also just highlights the fact that we all have different communication styles as well, and yours is just as valid as someone who prefers less direct ways.

 

[cinder]

Well, I'm a big fan of the direct approach, but that comes with the caveat that if you're going to be direct, you have to steel yourself to very directly and bluntly hear the answer you don't want to hear.

Generally, my understanding is I'm not dating a guy unless we've specifically said so. So I wouldn't ask "are we dating?" so much as "have you ever thought about us getting together?" (and I probably wouldn't ask that unless I was ready for things to take a very serious turn with all the hassles of long distance). Practically, I've stressed in private about it, but mostly if I make a good friend, I try to skew my focus towards gratitude for what I have, not being sad for what I don't. So I have pretty large reserves of patience to wait it out and see how things develop.

So yeah, you're not dating until you both agree you're dating. Getting your hopes up for someone and being disappointed is not the same as them betraying a promise or agreement with you. And if your friendship is as strong as you think, it will survive the awkward questions about what the status of the relationship actually is.

And that is my 2 cents based on well 0 dating experience, but I'm pretty good at making friends with guys so the whole where does this friendship stand thing has actually come up several times in my experience.

 

[tourist]

I can only give you my perspective when I was single.

My thoughts were ALWAYS on finding a girl to be a wife. So if a girl was talking to me slightly more than small talk, I was thinking she might be into me, and if I found her attractive at all, I tried to move toward a relationship.

That's how I'm wired. For wrong or right.

That's about how operated too. If you manage to get past the small talk something may be cooking.

 

[Lynx]

Christine/Christopher are both introverts and not used to talking to members of the opposite sex. But as they get used to the forums, they each start bantering with a member of the opposite sex (Dan/Dana.) Over time, both Christine and Dan and Christopher and Dana are in situations in which they are PM'ing each other regularly, and maybe even talking or texting.

Christine and Christopher both interpret this communication/attention from a guy/girl as being romantically inclined, and perhaps start getting a bit more demanding of Dan/Dana's time, or become jealous and bitter if they see Dan/Dana interacting with other members of the opposite gender on the forum.

Christine/Christopher start making comments to other or even publicly that Dan/Dana is a player who just strings people along.

But if you take the time to hear Dan/Dana's side of the story, they will tell you that they only saw Christine/Christopher as a friend, and never meant for it to be anything more.

IMO it is usually a case of (a version of) sour grapes. If she rejected me, it is natural to start thinking badly of her. If I can find some way to put her down I can feel better about her rejecting me.

Mind you this hasn't happened to me (yet) but it is a logical extrapolation of normal human nature and the most likely reason for Christine's/Christopher's reaction.

 

[Jewel5712]

@tourist ..its hard enough for a man to get the nerve to approach a woman say nothing bout getting past the small talk..lol

 

[zeroturbulence]

I'll probably never understand this internet dating. To me, a date is when two people physically meet and do something together.