Wife gets pregnant, now wants to leave me.

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Ottotheotter

Ottotheotter

Member
#1
May 7, 2019
36
30
18
#1
Hello,
My wife 24F and I 25M have been trying to have a baby.. She was so excited for us to start a family and telling church friends about it...I love her and was wanting a baby as well... Right after she got pregnant she met this guy online on a game...I felt like we were both happy and just 1 day out of no where she just flipped. She started to act very unlike her and crazy, within 2 weeks of talking to him she told me she loved him and she wanted a divorce and had bought a plane ticket to visit him.. Then a week later she found out she was pregnant...she is making crazy choices she would have never done before. Every day I could get a happy or very mad wife. A little back story is she has had a rough past with 20 plus foster homes. I personally think her issues are with her past or pregnancy hormones.. I'm not a perfect man but I try and be the best husband I can. I'm drop dead in love with her. Her grandma made her refund the tickets thankfully. This guy smokes, has no job and lives with his mom and is not a citizen. im shocked and confused.. I have been reading and applying to my life the love dare book from fireproof .. We get along but it's killing me she has another man and I don't know what I did wrong, she tells everyone a different story and can't keep her lies straight. Any advice, really want my wife back and I am heart broken and depressed ... I told the baby doctor about the erratic behavior and they signed us up for counseling.. She had previously refused to go, I'm glad she convinced her but she is very unwilling to try anything . I have been in talk with our pastor and he has helped me, she won't talk with him... Now she is even questioning her faith and she is a good Christian woman. Should I continue to be nice and do everything I can for her?
It's been the worst month or so of my life and sad she is unwilling to work on our marriage.. I don't want a split family and still in love with my wife.
 
J

JustEli

Well-known member
#2
Dec 23, 2018
1,374
983
113
50
#2
Brother, you have a very long road to hoe. If I can offer any advice, it would be to give it all to God, dont
run ahead of him, nor fall behind. Easy to say, trust me I know.
And maybe concentrate on your child, that is what matters now.
 
salvation_child

salvation_child

Member
#3
Feb 28, 2019
74
69
18
#3
That is a VERY difficult situation and I cant begin to imagine what you are going through at this point in time. However, based on what youre saying, its sounding like the devil is trying to destroy your life starting with your family. DONT LET HIM! Cry out to Jesus and the devil will flee. I will include your family in my prayers brother, just keep holding onto your faith and never cease to pray and all will be restored to the way it was in Jesus' name :)
 
CharliRenee

CharliRenee

Member
Staff member
#4
Nov 4, 2014
6,693
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#4
Oh man, you are dealing with a lot. Ouch!!! Man this has to sting. I
I love what you said in your last sentence, though...

I don't want a split family and still in love with my wife.

I found that to be very encouraging. I believe God can do miracles. I don't know where her thoughts are but I will be praying for reconciliation.

In the meantime, I suggest you keep praying, talk to your pastor or a brother in Christ who you know you can trust. Like another suggested, focus on the fact that soon you will be a dad. I will be praying for you. It is such a bummer (understatement of the century) that you are having to go through this. Hold on to your faith, brother.
 
Bingo

Bingo

Well-known member
#5
Feb 9, 2019
9,225
4,756
113
#5
"It is with hope that you find loving encouragement from those within the pages of CC.
Obviously there appears something is 'amiss' within your family structure. Unexpected
behavior should be seriously looked into, as there is most likely an underlying 'problem'
that needs serious attention. I learned long time past...it is much harder when we allow
our problems to build up, as I should have had God in my life long before I hit bottom.
We learn from experience, but thank God, I have turned my life over to His care. I hope
you and your family work things out accordingly, to the best interest of all involved."
'Praise God' Friendly.png
 

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blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#6
Feb 21, 2014
70,920
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#6
First of all, she does NOT have "another man". What she has is an online infatuation with a guy who probably has made false promises to her, such as marrying her and giving her anything she wants. Online "romances" rarely work out, and this guy will soon move on to another naive mark.
 
Jimbone

Jimbone

Senior Member
#7
Aug 22, 2014
2,984
973
113
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#7
To be honest brother you do whatever it takes to keep your family together. You are the man, and like it or not the responsibility of head of the family falls on us. That said it has no power over what others do. The best thing you can come with is truth. I actually went through something very similar with my wife within 6 months of being married. Same exact thing minus buying the ticket, I don't know how I would have handled that part, but what I did was love her through it. I told her how I felt, and how I felt about what she was doing and showed her I still wanted her and was willing to work with her, to a point. I got to a point real fast where I decided I was not going to play second fiddle to a basement dweller in his moms house who for all she knew could have been a 60 year old man. I was going home to tell her that if she wanted to throw everything away, all the history of us, our son (because he was staying with me), our whole family for this person the you've only known through the internet. I love you, you've stood by me, I've stood by you, but right now it's me or him. I mean I was going in to lay this down and I walked in and praise God, Jesus is great!! before I could say a word she walked right up to me with tearful eyes and said "I'm so sorry", I never even had to lay down my boundary, she fully quit that game and was done, but my biggest point here is it was my standing by her, even when she was doing me wrong in that way, I had truly reached my limit with that, but God is GREAT!!!. I will pray for you two, and your little none on his/her way. Keep faith above all things.
 
Dino246

Dino246

Senior Member
#8
Jun 30, 2015
25,489
13,797
113
#8
Ottotheotter said:
Hello,
My wife 24F and I 25M have been trying to have a baby.. .... Every day I could get a happy or very mad wife. A little back story is she has had a rough past with 20 plus foster homes. I personally think her issues are with her past or pregnancy hormones.....
Click to expand...
Welcome to CC, Otto...
Sorry you're going through this. It's certainly hard for anonymous internet peeps to offer meaningful help, though we can pray for you, as you must for yourself. Having gone through a divorce from a woman who had issues in her past (pre-marriage), I suspect you're in for a rough ride. Please don't take my suggestions as though I'm suggesting you give up.

Talk to a Christian counselor... for yourself, not your wife. You need help with this. If the counselor suggests that you sacrifice yourself for the marriage, find a different counselor. You can't help your wife if you're a mess. Don't waste your time or money with a counselor who isn't a Christian first.

Talk to a lawyer... before things get really ugly. Learn what the issues are surrounding separation and divorce in your location. I was blindsided by ignorance because I didn't want to spend the money. I won't bore you with my story though.

Schedule regular "checkups" with your pastor for yourself. Don't wait until the next crisis.

Set and keep reasonable boundaries with your wife. Read Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend, and follow it. Don't tolerate inappropriate or irrational behaviour because it is only likely to escalate.

Encourage your wife to seek medical attention as well as counseling.

Firstly and finally, lean on the Lord. Constantly. :)
 
L

Locoponydirtman

Guest
#9
#9
I hope you have a network of mature Christians around you. This will be trying times. As many said the best most of us can do is offer up some prayers for you.
Stay prayed up, cover all the angles, don't get blind sided. Stay in communication with your pastor on every development.
We have a saying in horse training circles, " make the right thing easy, and the wrong thing difficult". Emphasis on right thing easy.
It's weird phenomon that only other mature Christian women can point out when it happens, but some times a woman will test to see if you will fight for her on a subconscious level. Maybe get some of the mature Christian ladies of the church to take some time with her.
 
Ottotheotter

Ottotheotter

Member
#10
May 7, 2019
36
30
18
#10
JustEli said:
Brother, you have a very long road to hoe. If I can offer any advice, it would be to give it all to God, dont
run ahead of him, nor fall behind. Easy to say, trust me I know.
And maybe concentrate on your child, that is what matters now.
Click to expand...
I am trying to focus on my wife and the upcoming child. My question is how often should I mention to my wife that what she is doing is wrong? Once a week? Everyday? And how invasive should I be to stop what's going on?
 
Ottotheotter

Ottotheotter

Member
#11
May 7, 2019
36
30
18
#11
salvation_child said:
That is a VERY difficult situation and I cant begin to imagine what you are going through at this point in time. However, based on what youre saying, its sounding like the devil is trying to destroy your life starting with your family. DONT LET HIM! Cry out to Jesus and the devil will flee. I will include your family in my prayers brother, just keep holding onto your faith and never cease to pray and all will be restored to the way it was in Jesus' name :)
Click to expand...
Yes the devil is trying hard... Seems like everything keeps getting worse :( I feel like I'm in a bad dream. I'm holding on to my faith and values. She is almost dropping her faith which is saddening :( I think she is just too embarrassed 😳 to want to talk with God or anyone about this.
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#12
Mar 13, 2014
42,598
17,062
113
69
Tennessee
#12
Ottotheotter said:
I am trying to focus on my wife and the upcoming child. My question is how often should I mention to my wife that what she is doing is wrong? Once a week? Everyday? And how invasive should I be to stop what's going on?
Click to expand...
Your wife already knows it's wrong. If there was no child involved I would say to let her go her own way. I would not consider what she is doing to be adultery just yet but it is highly inappropriate and is bad thing to do to a husband that she is supposed to love. I would ask her what it is that she truly wants and to also tell her that this internet thing is not going to work out. If she were to actually see this guy he would drop her like a hot potato. Also, what about the child to be?
 
Ottotheotter

Ottotheotter

Member
#13
May 7, 2019
36
30
18
#13
CharliRenee said:
Oh man, you are dealing with a lot. Ouch!!! Man this has to sting. I
I love what you said in your last sentence, though...

I don't want a split family and still in love with my wife.

I found that to be very encouraging. I believe God can do miracles. I don't know where her thoughts are but I will be praying for reconciliation.

In the meantime, I suggest you keep praying, talk to your pastor or a brother in Christ who you know you can trust. Like another suggested, focus on the fact that soon you will be a dad. I will be praying for you. It is such a bummer (understatement of the century) that you are having to go through this. Hold on to your faith, brother.
Click to expand...
I personally think the guy is not the problem. Her sister had a bad life from her past and has been calling my wife and bringing up things. I think she needs to resolve her past. She refused to do counseling but when we went to the doctor I told her about her and now she said she would go... I have been meeting with my pastor and it has helped, she came the first time but now refuses to join even though he was nice to her.
 
Ottotheotter

Ottotheotter

Member
#14
May 7, 2019
36
30
18
#14
tourist said:
Your wife already knows it's wrong. If there was no child involved I would say to let her go her own way. I would not consider what she is doing to be adultery just yet but it is highly inappropriate and is bad thing to do to a husband that she is supposed to love. I would ask her what it is that she truly wants and to also tell her that this internet thing is not going to work out. If she were to actually see this guy he would drop her like a hot potato. Also, what about the child to be?
Click to expand...
Last night I told her it's best for the baby for her to let him go... I need to stay calm so I don't start going crazy.. Like trying to call this boys mom... I think I will try and wait for counseling and not mention the boy to her and focus on her and being kind and polite
 
Ottotheotter

Ottotheotter

Member
#15
May 7, 2019
36
30
18
#15
blue_ladybug said:
First of all, she does NOT have "another man". What she has is an online infatuation with a guy who probably has made false promises to her, such as marrying her and giving her anything she wants. Online "romances" rarely work out, and this guy will soon move on to another naive mark.
Click to expand...
Yes that is exactly what he is, she is just very stubborn. It's also killing me watching this go on for 3 weeks now
 
Ottotheotter

Ottotheotter

Member
#16
May 7, 2019
36
30
18
#16
Jimbone said:
To be honest brother you do whatever it takes to keep your family together. You are the man, and like it or not the responsibility of head of the family falls on us. That said it has no power over what others do. The best thing you can come with is truth. I actually went through something very similar with my wife within 6 months of being married. Same exact thing minus buying the ticket, I don't know how I would have handled that part, but what I did was love her through it. I told her how I felt, and how I felt about what she was doing and showed her I still wanted her and was willing to work with her, to a point. I got to a point real fast where I decided I was not going to play second fiddle to a basement dweller in his moms house who for all she knew could have been a 60 year old man. I was going home to tell her that if she wanted to throw everything away, all the history of us, our son (because he was staying with me), our whole family for this person the you've only known through the internet. I love you, you've stood by me, I've stood by you, but right now it's me or him. I mean I was going in to lay this down and I walked in and praise God, Jesus is great!! before I could say a word she walked right up to me with tearful eyes and said "I'm so sorry", I never even had to lay down my boundary, she fully quit that game and was done, but my biggest point here is it was my standing by her, even when she was doing me wrong in that way, I had truly reached my limit with that, but God is GREAT!!!. I will pray for you two, and your little none on his/her way. Keep faith above all things.
Click to expand...
I would do the whole me or him.. But tbh she has no where to go. Also I'm just trying to get her not to file for a divorce now.

But how long did you wait with your wife talking to another man? How did you keep being a good husband without going crazy.. It's been hard.. The other day I got up at 630 to wash her dirty car and help around the house.. Then texted her a nice message and she just ignored it :(
 
Ottotheotter

Ottotheotter

Member
#17
May 7, 2019
36
30
18
#17
Dino246 said:
Welcome to CC, Otto...
Sorry you're going through this. It's certainly hard for anonymous internet peeps to offer meaningful help, though we can pray for you, as you must for yourself. Having gone through a divorce from a woman who had issues in her past (pre-marriage), I suspect you're in for a rough ride. Please don't take my suggestions as though I'm suggesting you give up.

Talk to a Christian counselor... for yourself, not your wife. You need help with this. If the counselor suggests that you sacrifice yourself for the marriage, find a different counselor. You can't help your wife if you're a mess. Don't waste your time or money with a counselor who isn't a Christian first.

Talk to a lawyer... before things get really ugly. Learn what the issues are surrounding separation and divorce in your location. I was blindsided by ignorance because I didn't want to spend the money. I won't bore you with my story though.

Schedule regular "checkups" with your pastor for yourself. Don't wait until the next crisis.

Set and keep reasonable boundaries with your wife. Read Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend, and follow it. Don't tolerate inappropriate or irrational behaviour because it is only likely to escalate.

Encourage your wife to seek medical attention as well as counseling.

Firstly and finally, lean on the Lord. Constantly. :)
Click to expand...
Thanks for the advice... She refuses to go with me with our pastor... I finally got her a councilor at our baby appointment and somehow she agreed to go when the doctor suggested it.. I pray that the councilor is Christian... Will check into boundaries, but she isn't following the ones we agreed to already... Just trying to keep my self calm and nice to try and win her back and help me if things get worse..
 
Ottotheotter

Ottotheotter

Member
#18
May 7, 2019
36
30
18
#18
tourist said:
Your wife already knows it's wrong. If there was no child involved I would say to let her go her own way. I would not consider what she is doing to be adultery just yet but it is highly inappropriate and is bad thing to do to a husband that she is supposed to love. I would ask her what it is that she truly wants and to also tell her that this internet thing is not going to work out. If she were to actually see this guy he would drop her like a hot potato. Also, what about the child to be?
Click to expand...
I know her and this guy would never work out.. But I don't want her to divorce me, then realize what she has lost.. Just been keeping to books and prayer... She plans on living with me for a while after the baby.. She won't be able to afford her own place... This guy claims he is moving here after our divorce so he is pushing her for it :(
 
notuptome

notuptome

Senior Member
#19
May 17, 2013
15,050
2,538
113
#19
Ottotheotter said:
I know her and this guy would never work out.. But I don't want her to divorce me, then realize what she has lost.. Just been keeping to books and prayer... She plans on living with me for a while after the baby.. She won't be able to afford her own place... This guy claims he is moving here after our divorce so he is pushing her for it :(
Click to expand...
Where is the Lord Jesus Christ in your life and in your relationship with your wife? Your profile says you have been a Christian all your life. That is not possible and leads one to question if you know what it is to be a Christian. It also leads one to question the Spiritual status of your wife.

Get some counseling from a bible believing pastor at a church that is solid on bible fundamentals. I know that no Christian would pursue a relationship with an unbeliever which is what one would suspect with the internet relationship your wife is pursuing.

For the cause of Christ
Roger
 
Ottotheotter

Ottotheotter

Member
#20
May 7, 2019
36
30
18
#20
notuptome said:
Where is the Lord Jesus Christ in your life and in your relationship with your wife? Your profile says you have been a Christian all your life. That is not possible and leads one to question if you know what it is to be a Christian. It also leads one to question the Spiritual status of your wife.

Get some counseling from a bible believing pastor at a church that is solid on bible fundamentals. I know that no Christian would pursue a relationship with an unbeliever which is what one would suspect with the internet relationship your wife is pursuing.

For the cause of Christ
Roger
Click to expand...
Wierd you would question my faith but I pray and talk to God often and very involved in church. I met my wife at church and at that time she was helping give bible studies. She hasn't been as spiritual recently but I have not changed.

I am meeting with my pastor tonight and we have been meeting regularly. She just refuses to join me.

Obviously this guy isn't Christian, she told me the other night she isn't Christian but still believes the whole Bible. I believe she is too embarrassed right now... Idk how that happens to someone.. A lot of her choices right now I cannot understand.
 
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