Picky

[cinder]

Picky is how people with low standards or relationship desperation describe people with higher standards who aren't desperate to be in a relationship. As each criteria eliminates some people as potential partners, the more criteria you have the fewer potentials there will be. But as I and others have said before, a bad relationship really isn't worth having so you want enough criteria to weed out the trouble you don't want to deal with.

So somewhere on my not written down anywhere list is he has to be a Christian and not just say he's a christian but accept the Bible as the guiding authority for life and be more eager to know and do what it says than to try to find ways to make what it says accommodate his preferences and current beliefs. But on a much more practical level, I don't think I can live with a guy who loudly blasts rap music through the house 24 - 7 or needs me to go out and do social stuff every night of the week. So a lot of my half defined criteria boil down to what will happen under the strains and adversity of life and am I willing to live with this as part of my daily life and home with no reprieve? Should he actually pass both of those tests, then there's always the whole problem of actually getting him interested enough to notice I exist, slightly easier for me online than in real life, but still not something I'm at all skilled at. So I sit at home and post what I hope is very brilliant and wise sounding stuff on the internet backed by pretty much no actual real life expereince (unless you can consider something like experience at avoiding bad relationships), but boy I can conceptualize the day away.

 

[Lanolin]

I often wonder why some single people seem so focused on getting another person to go on the ark with. This isnt noahs ark, you can now have access to Jesus and he doesnt penalise you if you dont have someone of the opposite sex or even same sex.

You just get on board and all you need is faith. Dont worry about anyone else, God picks YOU. Cos there are heaps of people to meet once you get on.

Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and everything will be added unto you.

 

[PennEd]

I was talking to some friends earlier today about my pickiness when it comes to relationships. Not that I have very many to begin with haha.
But I realized that with age I get pickier and pickier.
I think it's just that I've seen more of the world and the way people are. So I can tell when a guy is lying, when he's only after one thing and when I wouldn't be a good match with him. Red pill guys would say this is a bad thing because I'm about to hit the wall and now I'm much more picky than I was at 20. But the way I see it is...I would rather be alone than struggling with a partner that wasn't going to be easy to deal with.

Is this the case with you too? Have you become pickier or more lenient with age?
Maybe this word we call pickiness is really just discernment? I feel like the Holy Spirit is with me on it.

We had our men's group last night with about 10 guys in their 40s and 50s.

All were either married, or in a LTR. EVERY one of us chronicled the struggles we have with our wives in different areas and to different degrees. Yet we all are grateful and blessed for those women.

We have to be careful not to sacrifice the good for the perfect, or imagined perfect. Because there are NO perfect relationships in life.

I am not saying go out and be with any bum. But here's a secret... The struggle is what forges the relationship into one flesh. However there is a great line I heard in the very underrated movie "Gattaca".

The whole clip is great, but skip to the 1:25 minute mark and think about it.

 

[JesusLives]

Im not getting picky, I'm getting woke. I'm starting to truly understand how lucky I am to not be stuck in a relationship.

No relationship is better than a bad relationship. But all relationships aren't bad and when it's good it's wonderful especially when you can share worship with God and share life with each other even bad situations become more tolerable with someone to help share the burden.

Don't give up on a relationship but do enjoy single life as it also can be rewarding with the right attitude.

 

[JesusLives]

Yup. I'm reminded of an old Pickles comic, where a woman finds out her father uses bar soap on his hair instead of shampoo and conditioner. She asks him why he doesn't take better care of his hair.

"Why would I care about that?"

"Don't you want to look nice for mom?"

"With her bad eyesight, I doubt she could tell the difference."

The mother chimes in, "He's right dear. As long as he smells okay, I'm fine."


We can make lists of what we do and do not want in a future hypothetical spouse, but I've seen a lot of lists go out the window when people meet the right other people.

Just to let you know the Tourists will probably be moving to Tennessee hopefully by 2020 sometime and daughter is coming along...I might get you two to meet in the future.....

 

[JesusLives]

After a certain age my list became very short..... It was a heart beat and or breathing.... That was the extent of my pickiness....

 

[cinder]

Just to let you know the Tourists will probably be moving to Tennessee hopefully by 2020 sometime and daughter is coming along...I might get you two to meet in the future.....

I'm sure he's greatful for the warning. Has plenty of time to plan his escape route.

 

[Lynx]

I'm sure he's greatful for the warning. Has plenty of time to plan his escape route.

You beat me to it... But yes. What you said.

 

[JesusLives]

I'm sure he's greatful for the warning. Has plenty of time to plan his escape route.

He's hung around for about 5 years now maybe we get some respect now? He also gets my unique humor....

 

[Mii]

I'm exceptionally "picky".

I want it to be the Lord and I want it to be clear.

So I'm still single for now.


I have oft wrestled with why one cannot be sustained by the Lord alone as were many in scripture...

but then I also agree with what Paul wrote about the subject and the original "commission". It's caused some heartrending confusion.

My criteria is always changing as to preferences to the point were I know it's in his hands. I haven't a clue. I think so long as she knows him and follows his voice and his alone ultimately that'd be all that's really needed. Agreement.

All my attempts have confused me further.

Like I'm pretty sure I should be married due to certain factors at the same time I don't feel as though I deserve that based on the same factors...

It's a constantly evolving thing for me. I think it's in the future...but it won't look anything like I expect it to. I certainly don't want to do any "missionary marrying". I want be sure she knows who she is in the Lord and that's the only thing that really matters.


but I'm not sure what I'm even supposed to do other than be myself in him...it's taken a lot to realize I'm going to have to do that regardless of whether or not I have someone "physically" hold my hand. I'm pretty confident I have more maturing to do before I'm ready for a "partner/helper/friend/mother/wife"...hopefully I'll be ready enough before my drive for that is gone. I don't think it's bitterness I keep falling into, just an acceptance that maybe life is shorter for some people and it's not in the plan.

I'm still hopeful though

 

[zeroturbulence]

No relationship is better than a bad relationship. But all relationships aren't bad and when it's good it's wonderful especially when you can share worship with God and share life with each other even bad situations become more tolerable with someone to help share the burden.

Don't give up on a relationship but do enjoy single life as it also can be rewarding with the right attitude.

Oh yes, a good or even a working relationship would be great. But I am finding that women are not the same as they used to be, and for that reason I'm realizing that I've probably avoided a lot of frustration.

I wish women would be more like they used to be (caring, sensitive, loving, etc...). I'm sure you are the way they used to be and aren't one of these modern women, and I'm sure most, if not all the women in CC are not either. I would describe these modern women as narcissistic, bold, driven, ambitious, etc.. I feel too old to want a modern woman like that and shudder at the thought of being in a relationship with one.

 

[JesusLives]

Oh yes, a good or even a working relationship would be great. But I am finding that women are not the same as they used to be, and for that reason I'm realizing that I've probably avoided a lot of frustration.

I wish women would be more like they used to be (caring, sensitive, loving, etc...). I'm sure you are the way they used to be and aren't one of these modern women, and I'm sure most, if not all the women in CC are not either. I would describe these modern women as narcissistic, bold, driven, ambitious, etc.. I feel too old to want a modern woman like that and shudder at the thought of being in a relationship with one.

You are out in California aren't you? I think mid-west is more laid back and the kind of lady you might be looking for. Hollywood and all the artsy types are out there and seems the go getter types of folks. I am an original Indiana girl and in mid-west much more laid back and easy going it seems.

 

[tourist]

You are out in California aren't you? I think mid-west is more laid back and the kind of lady you might be looking for. Hollywood and all the artsy types are out there and seems the go getter types of folks. I am an original Indiana girl and in mid-west much more laid back and easy going it seems.

I'm a southern big city boy myself by way of Detroit. It's called the Motor City but you always get my motor going.

 

[zeroturbulence]

 

[Sweetmorningdew78]

I am not picky 😊 but there are things i cant negotiate and there are things I am willing to accept 😊Things that are important ,things that I value most and things that I can tolerate . A long lasting relationship is hard it is filled with ups and downs but True love stands the test of time... it is knowing his flaws and choosing to love him anyway 😊

Open yourself a bit don't limit yourself to people who only fit all the criteria on your list... learn to compromise a lil bit because who knows the heart that will fit with yours is just around the corner 😉

 

[Lynx]

Remember when KISS was the epitome of all your mother warned you to avoid? These days they seem rather tame...

 

[Princesse]

Is this the case with you too? Have you become pickier or more lenient with age?

I’m discriminating. We were taught there’s two ways to learn: observation and hands-on. I don’t need to undergo trauma or put myself in unhealthy situations. I can learn the lesson through others. This has prevented a heap of headaches, harm, and jadedness.

Part of this is being honest with myself. I may veto certain things but there’s a clear reason for doing so. It isn’t bias. I’m aware of my limitations or unsuitability for that person or situation. No one’s perfect. But there’s challenges I can’t abide or won’t take on.

I think the caveat is understanding the consequences of your choices and making peace with them. This is where many go awry. They’re unwilling to accept the realities the principle brings. Whether its fewer opportunities or a longer wait. They want the best of both worlds and that rarely happens.

I prefer an objective analysis of my attributes and their value in the marketplace. You need to know where you fall in the spectrum so you don’t shoot yourself in the foot. When you understand your position you’ll make wiser modifications. The needle in the haystack only works if you have the ability to stay the course without complaint or despondency.

I‘m not bothered by preferences. We make choices throughout our lives and opt for one item over another. Some meet our needs and desires better than the rest. The same holds true in human connections. I think there’s a catch-22 in Christian circles.

On the one hand we grasp the idea clearly and see evidence in ourselves of the same. Our favorite coffee, phones, and attire give testament to what appeals. But there’s an unspoken expectation we’ll behave differently with each other. When our dialogues are preferences in action. We didn’t consider every one. Just certain persons who caught our eye.

Problems ensue when they don’t reciprocate. Though we rarely consider those we’ve overlooked. If someone calls you picky the best retort is feedback. Ask them to explain themselves. It could be glib or worth hearing. You’ll never know without asking.

Selectivity is commonplace when you bring a lot to the table or the regard for your attributes is higher than most. Wealth, beauty, prominent careers, successful businesses and great connections warrant different treatment and a willingness to ignore shortcomings more frequently than in others lacking the same.

This holds true in all groups. The primacy placed on these qualities is the difference. They won’t compensate for a lack of character or compatibility in other areas. Overall, you’ll get some things and compromise or forgo others. If we keep this in mind we’ll have fewer disappointments.

 

[ArtsieSteph]

I'm super duper picky hahaha. Not so much in the age department, but in other things. Age, weight, and income bracket don't matter to me as much as their lifestyle choices. I want a man who is Christian, doesn't smoke or drink, and doesn't engage in premarital sex. That in itself is gargantuan it seems.

 

[enginseer]

I was talking to some friends earlier today about my pickiness when it comes to relationships. Not that I have very many to begin with haha.
But I realized that with age I get pickier and pickier.
I think it's just that I've seen more of the world and the way people are. So I can tell when a guy is lying, when he's only after one thing and when I wouldn't be a good match with him. Red pill guys would say this is a bad thing because I'm about to hit the wall and now I'm much more picky than I was at 20. But the way I see it is...I would rather be alone than struggling with a partner that wasn't going to be easy to deal with.

Is this the case with you too? Have you become pickier or more lenient with age?
Maybe this word we call pickiness is really just discernment? I feel like the Holy Spirit is with me on it.

we do have requirements however if you take a shopping list and narrowly look within the confine of said list, you are starting to objectify people and reduce them to what they are not. you will miss out on good men

 

[Lanolin]

I asked a christian couple how they found each other and they said both of them actually had a list, and said it was like going shopping.

I was disheartened because while I do sometimes have a list while I go shopping and it helps, cos I know what to look for, I dont really want to be a 'tick all the boxes' type person. If someone said to me well you ticked all my boxes so you are exactly what I was looking for, I would just go huh?

I guess I would then question what criteria they were using to find me. was it because of my looks? My size? My brilliant way with words? lol