After 20 years together my wife and I are getting divorced. I feel very lost and troubled and not sure how I am going to get through this. Any words of advice would be appreciated.
Unhappy
- Thread starter Tronalda
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There are many here, including myself, that have experienced divorce so please know that you are not alone in this. My counsel is to ask God to let you pick up the pieces and to give you the strength and courage to start moving forward once again in your life. I felt losts and troubled too, but time heals all wounds, at least that was true for me. Also, I would advise against trying to enter another relationship immediately to make things right as the healing process takes time.
I don’t know how long ago this happened to you but how did it leave you? Did you find happiness and peace in your life again? I guess what I'am asking is will there come a day that this hurt and pain will go away or will I feel like this the rest of my life?
Hi and welcome, Tronalda...
I went through a separation and divorce starting nine years ago. I highly recommend signing up for the daily devotional from DivorceCare.org. It's replete with timely Bible verse and advice.
Beyond that, pray, talk to a qualified and experienced Christian counselor, and put the marriage in God's hands. It may be over, but God can carry you through this period of grieving, second-guessing, and healing; He did for me.
If you can find a Christian lawyer, do so, but a secular family lawyer with a good reputation will likely be adequate. Hope for the best from your wife, but don't expect it. Cover your bases so you aren't a victim of the legal system; it is not friendly towards males.
To your latest question, yes, there will come such a day. Keep trusting in and talking to God, and that day will surely come.
The pain of a divorce is so bad that I really wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
But there is hope.
The path you are on is not pleasant. But do understand that you cannot replace what is lost and gone. It's not going to happen...and anything that "feels" like replacing what you once had is a lie that will leave you feeling worse than what you are now...so don't be fooled or beguiled into it. ,(Even by yourself)
But yes, there is life after divorce. Especially if you own your mistakes that you specifically made and how you came around to making those mistakes.
BUT.
Now you are going to be single...and have freedoms that come from being single. Enjoy those freedoms.
And you can now find the company of other single people to do things with... you can be generous with them and go places and do things you otherwise couldn't.
BUT
Do NOT date anyone for at least two years. You are an emotional wreck. Nobody deserves to have to deal with that. You will long for the days of just normalcy. No highs or lows...no crying over a stupid commercial or show on television. (I recommend staying away from social media as well)
But... you can make friends. You can find others to do things with. You can make positive choices. You can gain some hobbies you never got to try.
Your going to find out that your happiness is going to be dependent upon your efforts to try and make others happy...it's a completely backwards thing. Don't try to make yourself happy. It won't work. But making others happy will actually make you happy in the process.
I too recently went through a divorce, but my situation was kind of the opposite. My hell was the 15+ years that preceded it and the divorce was a huge relief. I can say this though, that Romans 8:28 is always true for all believers: "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."
We all go through different seasons of heartbreak and despair, but whatever the situation is, whatever the pain and heartbreak, God is using it for your good and to bring you closer to Him. It's difficult to understand that when you are in the middle of the pain, but looking back it is so satisfying and amazing to see where God has led you. Looking back at all the pain I have been through, I can see how God was using it to make me wiser, more mature, more appreciative of small kindnesses, and equipping me to minister to others going through similar situations and give them hope. He will do the same for you in His time. The pain will never completely go away, but it will help mold you into His image and find greater satisfaction in Him.
We all go through different seasons of heartbreak and despair, but whatever the situation is, whatever the pain and heartbreak, God is using it for your good and to bring you closer to Him. It's difficult to understand that when you are in the middle of the pain, but looking back it is so satisfying and amazing to see where God has led you. Looking back at all the pain I have been through, I can see how God was using it to make me wiser, more mature, more appreciative of small kindnesses, and equipping me to minister to others going through similar situations and give them hope. He will do the same for you in His time. The pain will never completely go away, but it will help mold you into His image and find greater satisfaction in Him.
So sorry to hear that. 20 years is quite an achievement i must say, cause not many make it that long, and for things to end now when you and your wife are not just partners but family as well, and what must seem like a very lonly depressing road ahead...may God be with you both and comfort your hearts. But as those who have gone down the road you are about to start on will tell you-there is light at the end of the tunnel. And who says its over? With God all things are possible. Even now you can still hope in Him and pray for His intervention.
But what happend in your marriage to bring it to this state?
But what happend in your marriage to bring it to this state?
I remember right after my divorce that I felt like I had died but continued to watch life go on. I gave away all my Christmas ornaments that I had hand made. I guess I thought there would never be another Christmas and I have since wanted to kick myself for having given them away.
Life does go on and at first it is very painful, a part of you has been cut off, a familiar part one that you were comfortable with and now you are alone again hurting and raw.
I don't really recommend the length of time I spent single which was 35 years after my divorce but I was so hurt I promised myself I would never divorce again even if it meant never getting married again. I did remarry at 59 and I was a much better person for having waited and working on myself than I was when I married the first time. I held out for someone I don't have to worry about getting a divorce from as we are both in it for the long haul as in till death one of us parts.
Take time and heal as long as you need and include God in your everyday life as He is the great healer of all hurts. There is light at the end of the tunnel and you won't feel the way you do now forever. Keep your eyes on Jesus and He will get you through this.
My wife became distant for and as the months went past I confided in a female work colleague and this fuelled the fire
Thank you for your advice and have taken on board on what you said about trying to replace the things that I have lost.
I've been through it too...and God CAN heal your broken heart and will if you believe it and let Him.
Oh i see. It made her jealous. Well you have to be careful with that. Better to confide in a male friend or pastor cause feelings can develop there also.
But then how did your wife come to know you were talking to your colleague about the marriage? I hope you hadnt said something like, "well i was talking to my friend about you and she said you need to stop being so distant." That will cause fire for sure.
Maybe its not really important now, but its always good to know where you went wrong and own your mistakes. Cause if you get married again, you'll know to handle things differently.
And if you can own your wrongs, it can also soften your wife's heart.