Does the Question, "Are You Happy and Whole?" Get Asked in Other Communities as Much as It's Asked in Singles?

[seoulsearch]

Hi Everyone,

Recently in Singles, someone asked the question, "Are You Happy and Whole as a Single?", which is a perfectly valid question, but one we seem to get asked quite often in the Singles community.

The kicker for me is that there always seems to be some kind of implication that singles are "supposed" to be miserable and feeling as if we're missing something. "Single-Ness" is always seen as a disease that needs to be "cured," and only one answer is allowed: "Get out there, get married, and have kids!"

Now I'm very aware of the passages in which God says he who finds a wife finds a good thing, it's not good for the man to be alone, 3 strands of cord are not easily broken, a noble wife is more precious than rubies, and that marriage can indeed be a blessing from God. But that's NOT what this thread is about.

Rather, I'm interested in the contrast between the classification of singles vs. other categories of people.

Do other groups of people get asked this question as well, and is there also always the implication that something is "wrong" that must somehow be "cured"? Are the answers always just as linear and absolute for them as they are for singles? Why or why not?

For example, instead of singles always being asked if they're "happy and whole," what about:

* Are you happy and whole as a married person? (Because what's the answer to this if you're not? What else will make you feel happy and whole?)

* Are you happy and whole dealing your spouse's porn addiction/vices along with your own? (Because, what if you're not?)

* Are you happy and whole as someone without kids? (Because some will say having the kids is the only answer.)

* Are you happy and whole if you're someone who can't have kids? (Because how far does one go to have a family?)

* Are you happy and whole as someone with only one child? (Because some will say, "Oh, you don't want your child to be lonely! You must have at least have one more!" -- only to ask you when you're having the next one even if you do have another child.)

* Are you happy and whole as parents of teenagers - who won't talk to you or are in rebellion? (Because what happens then?)

* Are you happy and whole as someone whose child and/or spouse has a chronic illness/special needs? (Because what if you're not?)

* Are you happy and whole taking care of in-laws and family members you really don't like or get along with? (Because what if the answer is no, and you're actually quite miserable? What then?)

It's intriguing to me that the one answer always given to singles is always, "Just get married and have kids!" because it comes with the automatic implication that "this is the only way to be more happy and more whole than you could ever be as a single!"

I personally always believe that the answers for everyone are going to be different for different people in different situations. I don't think there is any one-size-fits-all answer for these questions, no matter which group of people is being asked, so I'm interested in what answers those who aren't single give and receive.

So for everyone who IS married and has kids -- are you happy and whole?

* Do you wish people would ask you this question more often, so that you could talk about how you're really doing?

* What if you're NOT happy and whole -- what can, or what do you do to change it? Or do you come to a point where you just accept the situation and have to learn to live with it?

I'm not trying to be a doomer and gloomer here. But my interest is in asking real people about their real lives -- and hearing their very real answers -- not just the masks of politeness or spiritual expectation we're all expected to put on.

I am also not trying to dismiss or diminish the fact that true happiness and wholeness is not possible in this sinful world. Even the happiest married person with a family still needs God to fill a gap, and that gap can never be completely filled in this lifetime. However, what I'm interested in is discussing whether or not people feel they are more happy and more whole by being married and/or having a family than those who are not. I realize it's a highly individualized question that can't be generalized, but I'm interested in the conversation the question brings.

I'm going to create a multi-choice, anonymous poll (no one can see that you answered, or what you chose to answer) if some would feel more comfortable with that. A poll will only allow me to give about 10 answers, which is extremely limiting, so please feel free to mention any answer not listed here in your post.

As I was writing the poll, a few other questions came out that I've always wanted to ask that might be very uncomfortable, but I think are important (especially for singles who want to know what being married can really be like.)

I know many of these topics are difficult and come with difficult answers, so I greatly appreciate any and all who are willing to participate. I'm looking forward to an honest discussion we can all learn from.

And, shouts out to the brave person (I'm not sure if they wanted to be named or not) who already answered some of these questions elsewhere. 🙏

 

[Lynx]

I bet people get that question a lot in physical therapy and drug rehab...

Which makes an interesting comparison with being single and how people look at it.

 

[Lynx]

I would mention that, with so many single people crying and moaning about how they can't live without somebody else, it is understandable that people would view singles as incomplete.

 

[Lynx]

Hi Everyone,

Recently in Singles, someone asked the question, "Are You Happy and Whole as a Single?", which is a perfectly valid question, but one we seem to get asked quite often in the Singles community.

The kicker for me is that there always seems to be some kind of implication that singles are "supposed" to be miserable and feeling as if we're missing something. "Single-Ness" is always seen as a disease that needs to be "cured," and only one answer is allowed: "Get out there, get married, and have kids!"

Now I'm very aware of the passages in which God says he who finds a wife finds a good thing, it's not good for the man to be alone, 3 strands of cord are not easily broken, a noble wife is more precious than rubies, and that marriage can indeed be a blessing from God. But that's NOT what this thread is about.

Rather, I'm interested in the contrast between the classification of singles vs. other categories of people.

Do other groups of people get asked this question as well, and is there also always the implication that something is "wrong" that must somehow be "cured"? Are the answers always just as linear and absolute for them as they are for singles? Why or why not?

For example, instead of singles always being asked if they're "happy and whole," what about:

* Are you happy and whole as a married person? (Because what's the answer to this if you're not? What else will make you feel happy and whole?)

* Are you happy and whole dealing your spouse's porn addiction/vices along with your own? (Because, what if you're not?)

* Are you happy and whole as someone without kids? (Because some will say having the kids is the only answer.)

* Are you happy and whole if you're someone who can't have kids? (Because how far does one go to have a family?)

* Are you happy and whole as someone with only one child? (Because some will say, "Oh, you don't want your child to be lonely! You must have at least have one more!" -- only to ask you when you're having the next one even if you do have another child.)

* Are you happy and whole as parents of teenagers - who won't talk to you or are in rebellion? (Because what happens then?)

* Are you happy and whole as someone whose child and/or spouse has a chronic illness/special needs? (Because what if you're not?)

* Are you happy and whole taking care of in-laws and family members you really don't like or get along with? (Because what if the answer is no, and you're actually quite miserable? What then?)

It's intriguing to me that the one answer always given to singles is always, "Just get married and have kids!" because it comes with the automatic implication that "this is the only way to be more happy and more whole than you could ever be as a single!"

I personally always believe that the answers for everyone are going to be different for different people in different situations. I don't think there is any one-size-fits-all answer for these questions, no matter which group of people is being asked, so I'm interested in what answers those who aren't single give and receive.

So for everyone who IS married and has kids -- are you happy and whole?

* Do you wish people would ask you this question more often, so that you could talk about how you're really doing?

* What if you're NOT happy and whole -- what can, or what do you do to change it? Or do you come to a point where you just accept the situation and have to learn to live with it?

I'm not trying to be a doomer and gloomer here. But my interest is in asking real people about their real lives -- and hearing their very real answers -- not just the masks of politeness or spiritual expectation we're all expected to put on.

I am also not trying to dismiss or diminish the fact that true happiness and wholeness is not possible in this sinful world. Even the happiest married person with a family still needs God to fill a gap, and that gap can never be completely filled in this lifetime. However, what I'm interested in is discussing whether or not people feel they are more happy and more whole by being married and/or having a family than those who are not. I realize it's a highly individualized question that can't be generalized, but I'm interested in the conversation the question brings.

I'm going to create a multi-choice, anonymous poll (no one can see that you answered, or what you chose to answer) if some would feel more comfortable with that. A poll will only allow me to give about 10 answers, which is extremely limiting, so please feel free to mention any answer not listed here in your post.

As I was writing the poll, a few other questions came out that I've always wanted to ask that might be very uncomfortable, but I think are important (especially for singles who want to know what being married can really be like.)

I know many of these topics are difficult and come with difficult answers, so I greatly appreciate any and all who are willing to participate. I'm looking forward to an honest discussion we can all learn from.

And, shouts out to the brave person (I'm not sure if they wanted to be named or not) who already answered some of these questions elsewhere. 🙏

There is one you missed, and it is one you almost always mention in this kind of conversation.

If your spouse cannot have sex for some physical or psychological reason, are you happy and whole? If not, what will you do? Divorce and find a new person who is not damaged?

 

[seoulsearch]

There is one you missed, and it is one you almost always mention in this kind of conversation.

If your spouse cannot have sex for some physical or psychological reason, are you happy and whole? If not, what will you do? Divorce and find a new person who is not damaged?

I appreciate you pointing this out (and you know me too well.)

It's definitely one of my pet questions, seeing as marriage is spoken of as magically curing any and all sex-related struggles, also presumably for life.

But from what I read and hear from others -- it doesn't.

As for this thread, I guess I thought I'd go a little easier on the questions until I saw if there were any answers to the thread.

(Gotta start slowly and work in the tougher questions as we go along.) 🙂

 

[Lynx]

Tsk tsk. Girl's getting soft on us.

 

[tourist]

I voted for happily married without kids. My daughter is 45, married, with 5 kids of her own. My wife's daughter is 44 and on her own either. This will be the last marriage for me. If my wife dies before I do I have no plans to someday remarry. She would be a hard act to follow.

 

[tourist]

I would mention that, with so many single people crying and moaning about how they can't live without somebody else, it is understandable that people would view singles as incomplete.

After my divorce in 1984 I was single and celibate for 18 years. I didn't consider my single life as incomplete. In the end though, it was the loneliness that got to me. Basically, my life consisted of work, eat, and sleep. And each day I would do the same thing. It was like I was experiencing ground hog day for 18 straight years. I will say though, however, that my single life was much easier than my married life. Maintaining a healthy and loving marital relationship is a lot of work. The thing was, after 18 years of being alone I didn't find it amusing anymore. Needed a new adventure - a change of venue.

 

[Lynx]

After my divorce in 1984 I was single and celibate for 18 years. I didn't consider my single life as incomplete. In the end though, it was the loneliness that got to me. Basically, my life consisted of work, eat, and sleep. And each day I would do the same thing. It was like I was experiencing ground hog day for 18 straight years. I will say though, however, that my single life was much easier than my married life. Maintaining a healthy and loving marital relationship is a lot of work. The thing was, after 18 years of being alone I didn't find it amusing anymore. Needed a new adventure - a change of venue.

Did... Did you just say that you got married again because you got bored?

 

[tourist]

Did... Did you just say that you got married again because you got bored?

No. I got married again because I was lonely. In the end, the life that I led was not satisfying. After much prayer, God put love in my heart to share. Nothing like showing love and being loved.

This marriage was to my late second wife who died after years of declining health. Basically, I was her care giver, and this on top of having a full time job, 1500 miles away from my family. They were in Florida. I moved to Maine with my wife so that she could be close to her elderly parents. Spent 8 years there until she died.

The last 3 years she was basically incoherent because of the many medications. She slept in a hospital bed and I slept on the couch so I could be close to her in case she needed help. The ironic thing about this is that I got married out of loneliness, but despite being married, spent many years alone with my thoughts. And those were dark thoughts.

I don't regret it though. God put me in the right place so that I could take care of her. In the end, her care required around the clock skilled nursing care. Spent the last 1 1/2 years in a nursing home.

In the meantime, her adult son caused me to be evicted from my apartment. I spent the last 6 months in Maine living with a neighbor and sleeping on the couch. After she died, I wished her son good luck but told him that the game was over and he was now on his own.

The day after her service I got on a bus to Florida and never looked back.

I thank God that my current (and last) wife that I met on this site is relatively healthy. We share a good life together. Best move that I made in my life. Well worth the cost of admission.

No regrets on the second marriage even though it was a horrific experience and certainly no regrets in my third marriage. I can assure you that I did not get married the second time out of boredom. More like I got married in my desire to serve the Lord in taking care of the woman that he trusted me with. Did the best that I could out of what God provided. It was all that I could do.

 

[seoulsearch]

No. I got married again because I was lonely. In the end, the life that I led was not satisfying. After much prayer, God put love in my heart to share. Nothing like showing love and being loved.

This marriage was to my late second wife who died after years of declining health. Basically, I was her care giver, and this on top of having a full time job, 1500 miles away from my family. They were in Florida. I moved to Maine with my wife so that she could be close to her elderly parents. Spent 8 years there until she died.

The last 3 years she was basically incoherent because of the many medications. She slept in a hospital bed and I slept on the couch so I could be close to her in case she needed help. The ironic thing about this is that I got married out of loneliness, but despite being married, spent many years alone with my thoughts. And those were dark thoughts.

I don't regret it though. God put me in the right place so that I could take care of her. In the end, her care required around the clock skilled nursing care. Spent the last 1 1/2 years in a nursing home.

In the meantime, her adult son caused me to be evicted from my apartment. I spent the last 6 months in Maine living with a neighbor and sleeping on the couch. After she died, I wished her son good luck but told him that the game was over and he was now on his own.

The day after her service I got on a bus to Florida and never looked back.

I thank God that my current (and last) wife that I met on this site is relatively healthy. We share a good life together. Best move that I made in my life. Well worth the cost of admission.

No regrets on the second marriage even though it was a horrific experience and certainly no regrets in my third marriage. I can assure you that I did not get married the second time out of boredom. More like I got married in my desire to serve the Lord in taking care of the woman that he trusted me with. Did the best that I could out of what God provided. It was all that I could do.

I'm so sorry for everything you've been through, Tourist.

Thank you for always sharing with us. I've learned much from your reflections over the years, and I'm very glad you and Jesus Lives found each other here. 🌹🙏🏼

 

[Lynx]

No. I got married again because I was lonely. In the end, the life that I led was not satisfying. After much prayer, God put love in my heart to share. Nothing like showing love and being loved.

This marriage was to my late second wife who died after years of declining health. Basically, I was her care giver, and this on top of having a full time job, 1500 miles away from my family. They were in Florida. I moved to Maine with my wife so that she could be close to her elderly parents. Spent 8 years there until she died.

The last 3 years she was basically incoherent because of the many medications. She slept in a hospital bed and I slept on the couch so I could be close to her in case she needed help. The ironic thing about this is that I got married out of loneliness, but despite being married, spent many years alone with my thoughts. And those were dark thoughts.

I don't regret it though. God put me in the right place so that I could take care of her. In the end, her care required around the clock skilled nursing care. Spent the last 1 1/2 years in a nursing home.

In the meantime, her adult son caused me to be evicted from my apartment. I spent the last 6 months in Maine living with a neighbor and sleeping on the couch. After she died, I wished her son good luck but told him that the game was over and he was now on his own.

The day after her service I got on a bus to Florida and never looked back.

I thank God that my current (and last) wife that I met on this site is relatively healthy. We share a good life together. Best move that I made in my life. Well worth the cost of admission.

No regrets on the second marriage even though it was a horrific experience and certainly no regrets in my third marriage. I can assure you that I did not get married the second time out of boredom. More like I got married in my desire to serve the Lord in taking care of the woman that he trusted me with. Did the best that I could out of what God provided. It was all that I could do.

I was just picking. Sorry.

 

[tourist]

I was just picking. Sorry.

You have nothing at all to be sorry about.

 

[MsMediator]

Singles are generally seen as missing their other half and seen as incomplete. Since society is geared towards family, singles are seen as incomplete because they do not have what it takes to form a family. From a spiritual sense, a single is not an incomplete person. A single person and married person has equal value. However from a societal perspective singles are incomplete because they not contributing to keep the world running though kids, which many believe is the ultimate purpose of a person.

 

[Lynx]

Biologically it IS the ultimate goal. An organism is considered successful if its offspring produce offspring. (Which might have something to do with why so many parents push their kids to make them some grandchildren.)

So biologically I would be considered a failure.

Fortunately my goals in life have nothing to do with biology.

 

[seoulsearch]

Singles are generally seen as missing their other half and seen as incomplete. Since society is geared towards family, singles are seen as incomplete because they do not have what it takes to form a family. From a spiritual sense, a single is not an incomplete person. A single person and married person has equal value. However from a societal perspective singles are incomplete because they not contributing to keep the world running though kids, which many believe is the ultimate purpose of a person.

Biologically it IS the ultimate goal. An organism is considered successful if its offspring produce offspring. (Which might have something to do with why so many parents push their kids to make them some grandchildren.) So biologically I would be considered a failure.Fortunately my goals in life have nothing to do with biology.

These kinds of observations interest me because the older I get (as a single without kids,) the more I think about how society, and especially the church, pushes the narrative that the meaning in life is to fulfill this biological narrative, and somehow you'll be "happy and whole." Now of course, God is behind a part of this, but I think the part about finding ultimate fulfilling by doing so has been a bit exaggerated in some cases.

I've met all kinds of people in different situations who've met their social (marriage) and biological (kids) objective, and it seems like many -- more than what's talked about in church -- feel anything but happy and whole. Not all, of course -- some are very happy and very fulfilled.

But I always wonder what kind of actual, real help there is for the ones who are struggling this way within the church community. We see glimpses of it here -- the Family Forum used to be bombarded by marrieds asking for help/prayer because of things going on behind closed doors. Porn addiction seemed to be the number one thing mentioned, though of course, I'm sure there are many more that people just don't want to talk about publicly.

I have a lot of concern for people like this and always wonder what the church is/can do to help -- that's actually effective.

One thing I like about being single is that for the most part, I can do a lot to change my circumstances. I could make the effort to go out and find someone (and put up with all the riff raff that comes with it.) And if I did enter into a relationship and found things weren't going very well, I can end it and start over.

But if someone is married and in a bad situation/extremely unhappy (for example, their spouse addicted to porn,) they're very limited in what they can do to change their circumstances, since so much depends on another person.

Sure, they can change their own outlook and work on a closer relationship with God, but I know that for me personally, I would feel hopeless -- and probably give up on most everything in life -- but that's just me.