Hi Everyone,
Recently in Singles, someone asked the question, "Are You Happy and Whole as a Single?", which is a perfectly valid question, but one we seem to get asked quite often in the Singles community.
The kicker for me is that there always seems to be some kind of implication that singles are "supposed" to be miserable and feeling as if we're missing something. "Single-Ness" is always seen as a disease that needs to be "cured," and only one answer is allowed: "Get out there, get married, and have kids!"
Now I'm very aware of the passages in which God says he who finds a wife finds a good thing, it's not good for the man to be alone, 3 strands of cord are not easily broken, a noble wife is more precious than rubies, and that marriage can indeed be a blessing from God. But that's NOT what this thread is about.
Rather, I'm interested in the contrast between the classification of singles vs. other categories of people.
Do other groups of people get asked this question as well, and is there also always the implication that something is "wrong" that must somehow be "cured"? Are the answers always just as linear and absolute for them as they are for singles? Why or why not?
For example, instead of singles always being asked if they're "happy and whole," what about:
* Are you happy and whole as a married person? (Because what's the answer to this if you're not? What else will make you feel happy and whole?)
* Are you happy and whole dealing your spouse's porn addiction/vices along with your own? (Because, what if you're not?)
* Are you happy and whole as someone without kids? (Because some will say having the kids is the only answer.)
* Are you happy and whole if you're someone who can't have kids? (Because how far does one go to have a family?)
* Are you happy and whole as someone with only one child? (Because some will say, "Oh, you don't want your child to be lonely! You must have at least have one more!" -- only to ask you when you're having the next one even if you do have another child.)
* Are you happy and whole as parents of teenagers - who won't talk to you or are in rebellion? (Because what happens then?)
* Are you happy and whole as someone whose child and/or spouse has a chronic illness/special needs? (Because what if you're not?)
* Are you happy and whole taking care of in-laws and family members you really don't like or get along with? (Because what if the answer is no, and you're actually quite miserable? What then?)
It's intriguing to me that the one answer always given to singles is always, "Just get married and have kids!" because it comes with the automatic implication that "this is the only way to be more happy and more whole than you could ever be as a single!"
I personally always believe that the answers for everyone are going to be different for different people in different situations. I don't think there is any one-size-fits-all answer for these questions, no matter which group of people is being asked, so I'm interested in what answers those who aren't single give and receive.
So for everyone who IS married and has kids -- are you happy and whole?
* Do you wish people would ask you this question more often, so that you could talk about how you're really doing?
* What if you're NOT happy and whole -- what can, or what do you do to change it? Or do you come to a point where you just accept the situation and have to learn to live with it?
I'm not trying to be a doomer and gloomer here. But my interest is in asking real people about their real lives -- and hearing their very real answers -- not just the masks of politeness or spiritual expectation we're all expected to put on.
I am also not trying to dismiss or diminish the fact that true happiness and wholeness is not possible in this sinful world. Even the happiest married person with a family still needs God to fill a gap, and that gap can never be completely filled in this lifetime. However, what I'm interested in is discussing whether or not people feel they are more happy and more whole by being married and/or having a family than those who are not. I realize it's a highly individualized question that can't be generalized, but I'm interested in the conversation the question brings.
I'm going to create a multi-choice, anonymous poll (no one can see that you answered, or what you chose to answer) if some would feel more comfortable with that. A poll will only allow me to give about 10 answers, which is extremely limiting, so please feel free to mention any answer not listed here in your post.
As I was writing the poll, a few other questions came out that I've always wanted to ask that might be very uncomfortable, but I think are important (especially for singles who want to know what being married can really be like.)
I know many of these topics are difficult and come with difficult answers, so I greatly appreciate any and all who are willing to participate. I'm looking forward to an honest discussion we can all learn from.
And, shouts out to the brave person (I'm not sure if they wanted to be named or not) who already answered some of these questions elsewhere. 🙏
Recently in Singles, someone asked the question, "Are You Happy and Whole as a Single?", which is a perfectly valid question, but one we seem to get asked quite often in the Singles community.
The kicker for me is that there always seems to be some kind of implication that singles are "supposed" to be miserable and feeling as if we're missing something. "Single-Ness" is always seen as a disease that needs to be "cured," and only one answer is allowed: "Get out there, get married, and have kids!"
Now I'm very aware of the passages in which God says he who finds a wife finds a good thing, it's not good for the man to be alone, 3 strands of cord are not easily broken, a noble wife is more precious than rubies, and that marriage can indeed be a blessing from God. But that's NOT what this thread is about.
Rather, I'm interested in the contrast between the classification of singles vs. other categories of people.
Do other groups of people get asked this question as well, and is there also always the implication that something is "wrong" that must somehow be "cured"? Are the answers always just as linear and absolute for them as they are for singles? Why or why not?
For example, instead of singles always being asked if they're "happy and whole," what about:
* Are you happy and whole as a married person? (Because what's the answer to this if you're not? What else will make you feel happy and whole?)
* Are you happy and whole dealing your spouse's porn addiction/vices along with your own? (Because, what if you're not?)
* Are you happy and whole as someone without kids? (Because some will say having the kids is the only answer.)
* Are you happy and whole if you're someone who can't have kids? (Because how far does one go to have a family?)
* Are you happy and whole as someone with only one child? (Because some will say, "Oh, you don't want your child to be lonely! You must have at least have one more!" -- only to ask you when you're having the next one even if you do have another child.)
* Are you happy and whole as parents of teenagers - who won't talk to you or are in rebellion? (Because what happens then?)
* Are you happy and whole as someone whose child and/or spouse has a chronic illness/special needs? (Because what if you're not?)
* Are you happy and whole taking care of in-laws and family members you really don't like or get along with? (Because what if the answer is no, and you're actually quite miserable? What then?)
It's intriguing to me that the one answer always given to singles is always, "Just get married and have kids!" because it comes with the automatic implication that "this is the only way to be more happy and more whole than you could ever be as a single!"
I personally always believe that the answers for everyone are going to be different for different people in different situations. I don't think there is any one-size-fits-all answer for these questions, no matter which group of people is being asked, so I'm interested in what answers those who aren't single give and receive.
So for everyone who IS married and has kids -- are you happy and whole?
* Do you wish people would ask you this question more often, so that you could talk about how you're really doing?
* What if you're NOT happy and whole -- what can, or what do you do to change it? Or do you come to a point where you just accept the situation and have to learn to live with it?
I'm not trying to be a doomer and gloomer here. But my interest is in asking real people about their real lives -- and hearing their very real answers -- not just the masks of politeness or spiritual expectation we're all expected to put on.
I am also not trying to dismiss or diminish the fact that true happiness and wholeness is not possible in this sinful world. Even the happiest married person with a family still needs God to fill a gap, and that gap can never be completely filled in this lifetime. However, what I'm interested in is discussing whether or not people feel they are more happy and more whole by being married and/or having a family than those who are not. I realize it's a highly individualized question that can't be generalized, but I'm interested in the conversation the question brings.
I'm going to create a multi-choice, anonymous poll (no one can see that you answered, or what you chose to answer) if some would feel more comfortable with that. A poll will only allow me to give about 10 answers, which is extremely limiting, so please feel free to mention any answer not listed here in your post.
As I was writing the poll, a few other questions came out that I've always wanted to ask that might be very uncomfortable, but I think are important (especially for singles who want to know what being married can really be like.)
I know many of these topics are difficult and come with difficult answers, so I greatly appreciate any and all who are willing to participate. I'm looking forward to an honest discussion we can all learn from.
And, shouts out to the brave person (I'm not sure if they wanted to be named or not) who already answered some of these questions elsewhere. 🙏
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