If Women Look to Solve "Daddy Issues" With a Husband, What Happens If a Man Has "Mommy Issues?" (Hagmaxxing?)

[keepingthingsreal]

What are other ways that men and women heal from having abusive or non-existent relationships with their parents?

One possible way is by taking the time to learn a bit about their parents (if possible).

In other words, it may very well be that one's parent who failed them was equally failed by their own parent. If so, then it may be that they failed to give their child what they needed because they never received it themselves.

Were my parents the greatest?

No, they most definitely were not.

Did they at least try to be good parents?

To the undiscerning, one might answer "no." However, as the child in question, and because I came to learn a bit about my parents' own childhoods, I came to understand that the things that they were failing to give to me were the very same things that their parents failed to give to them. That understanding greatly helped me to not only not harbor a grudge towards them, but to actually have some compassion towards them.

We all live in a greatly fallen world, and it is easy to only focus upon how others are seemingly wronging us. We need to realize that others have been wronged too. Does this somehow justify their failures as parents? No, it does not, but it might help us to distinguish between that which was intentional and that which they simply could not do. This is probably a horrible analogy, but if any of you asked me for a large sum of money, and I could not give it to you simply because I did not have it, would it be right for you to be angry or upset with me? A person cannot give what they do not have, and a lot of parents simply do not have what it takes to be parents.

I don't know if any of that made sense or not, but it made sense when it was in my head. Lol.

When it comes to children who were abandoned by their parents, a similar principle might be at work. In other words, did someone's biological mother give them up for adoption because they were financially unable to support the child? Was the biological mother in an abusive situation, and did she give up the child in the hope that it would be raised in a safer and more stable environment? Similar questions could be asked, and the answers might help to alleviate some of the pain or feelings of rejection that the child may still be carrying.

Just some thoughts...

 

[MsMediator]

My second thought is, there almost seems to be a universal that men want to be taken care of (or at least have a home and creature comforts all provided for them to retreat to return to)

Yes, this sounds true. In return, women expect men to bring the dough and provide home security.

 

[Lynx]

I appreciate you sharing your thoughts.

Over the years, I've had a lot of times when people came in and dismissed the things I've written, saying, "Well that's easy. Just do what God says." In other words, "Why are you wasting people's time asking such pointless and mundane questions?"

Except that most people don't seem to just do what God says, or make all the right choices, whether they choose to tell others about that or not.

I've known some Christians, both online and in real life, who have good intentions and a lot of wisdom to share, but they don't share anything about their own journey and are content to just try to tell others what to do based on their own observations. Which is perfectly fine and just how some people are built.

But for me, I need to learn by discussion -- the stories, the why's, the why not's -- and everything in between.

If I'm trying to learn how to lose weight, and the person telling me how is 300 lbs., chances are, at first glance, I'm not going to take that person very seriously. And it won't be very helpful to me if they tell me, "Eat less, exercise more," even if everything they say is true.

But if that person who weighs 300 lbs. takes the time to explain to me that they were once 350 lbs. and they've lost 50 lbs. and are continuing on their weight loss journey, I will learn a whole lot more from them.

Especially when they tell me about the times they hit a plateau, went on food binges, gained 20 pounds back... but then are able to share how they got back on track. I learn the most about living when people share their actual lives and the processes they personally went through.

I've been around a lot of church people who tell you everything in the world to do, quote a thousand passages, but never share what they themselves have done wrong or gone through that broke them, or the things that are still causing them current pain.

I completely understand that, especially in today's world. Many people don't want to share anything, for fear of criticism or looking like they're not living up to the advice they give. We are all built differently. But I just don't learn much from being told facts and quoted Scripture alone. I need a human touch, some kind of personality and personal life story to go with it.

And it's always been on my heart to reach out to others who learn the same way. As long as there's an audience that seems interested (and as long as God permits,) I'll keep going (it'll be 16 years in May.) I have to smile thinking back to it, when I used to encounter some when I first started writing threads who probably thought I'd go away in a few months.

I learn best from those who are at least a little bit willing to share something about themselves and their lives.

My threads are written for mostly for others who learn the same way, but of course, everyone can answer -- and some, like you, probably speak to an audience I'm most likely not reaching, nor am I meant for.

If it's so simple that everyone can understand it:

If it's so easy that everyone can do it:

If it's so beneficial that everyone should do it:

If people have been saying for GENERATIONS that you should do it, and here's how to do it...

But not everyone is doing it...

We really need to find out why some are and some are not doing it. Just walking around repeating that everyone should do it isn't getting a lot more accomplished.

 

[zeroturbulence]

Hey Everyone,

I was listening to a video about the apparently popular current trend of "Hagmaxxing" -- younger men who purposely seek out older women for dating and relationships.

The video I listened to talked about examples such as 22-year-old men dating 35-year-old women (in this video, "hags" were often seen as women being 30 years and older) and "maxxing" out the great life they imagined it would be -- playing video games on the couch while their hagmaxx brings them freshly microwaved plates of "chicken tendies" all afternoon.

As much as this made me shake my head, it also got me thinking.

In a way, I think the Christian community might teach women to see men as a kind of safety net. If they didn't have a good home life, had an especially turbulent or downright abusive relationship with their father, many women hope to find the nurturing, compassion, and general sense of "I'll take care of you and provide you with a real home" in the form of a husband.

Please note that I am NOT saying ALL women think this way, but I think some do, as this is seen even in the secular world. And how much more so in the Christian community where women are taught that husbands are to provide. A loving, faithful, and hard-working husband might very well help to heal some of the wounds of the past.

But I got to thinking -- plenty of men are suffering from the same kinds of backgrounds -- harsh, critical, abusive or neglectful mothers -- so where are men to look for healing from never having been encouraged, loved, or taken care of while they were growing up?

The host of the video I listened to was a woman, and when she asked around why these young men were looking for older women to look after them, she said that the number one response was, "I have mommy issues."

As Christians, we always have God with us. But, many aspects of our lives, including healing and moving on from the past, is orchestrated through the experiences and relationships that we form.

* If women hope to have a loving, nurturing, but also "I'll take care of you" experience with a husband due to a man who failed to be a father, what do men look to in order to "make up" for not having a "real" mother?

* How does a poor relationship with one's mother affect a man's views towards women? If he sees women negatively because of this, what will change his views?

* If women act out because they didn't feel loved by their fathers but find healing for this in marriage, can men expect the same kind of healing from suffering inflicted by a mother who didn't love them? And do they have to find a woman who "takes care of them" in order to feel whole?

* What are other ways that men and women heal from having abusive or non-existent relationships with their parents?

I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic.

No offense, and I think this is a great topic, but I don't really think the theories presented are accurate in real life.

I know of two men who had "mommy issues" and one was a partner at a very successful architectural firm. The other was a harvard professor.

I've known women who had daddy issues and they were not looking for a man to take care of them, they were financially independent.

 

[Tall_Timbers]

My threads are written for mostly for others who learn the same way, but of course, everyone can answer -- and some, like you, probably speak to an audience I'm most likely not reaching, nor am I meant for.

I love your threads, @seoulsearch. The primary reason I come to ChristianChat on a regular basis is to look for any new threads by you. The topics are interesting and often fun, and I love fun! With regards to the topic of this thread I'll admit I've found myself tongue tied. At least I learned a new word: hagmaxxing.

 

[seoulsearch]

I love your threads, @seoulsearch. The primary reason I come to ChristianChat on a regular basis is to look for any new threads by you. The topics are interesting and often fun, and I love fun! With regards to the topic of this thread I'll admit I've found myself tongue tied. At least I learned a new word: hagmaxxing.

Thank you so much, @Tall_Timbers -- this means so much to me.

I'm sorry I don't have a very "regular" schedule here -- I come and go with the busy-ness of life, and I go through phases where I need to just take in more information (research) and process for while before I can write out my thoughts.

I actually keep a notebook of thread ideas, but it takes a while for me to try to stretch out a key word or sentence into a more cohesive explanation. I've had some ideas that I hashed around for 6 months or more before I felt I could put them into words.

Even if a thread doesn't resonate with someone or many people, I hope at the very least it might bring awareness to what others are struggling with.

Pssst -- I'll let you in on a secret: I had NEVER heard of the term "Hagmaxxing" either. To tell you the truth, I wasn't sure if I should be offended by it, or laugh (plot twist -- it actually made me laugh out loud.)

But one of the reasons I wrote this is because I'm very concerned about the future of men in our society. So many people are growing up in dysfunctional families, and while I've known a lot of women who find nurturing friendships through other women, I think it's a lot harder for men to find emotional the support and validation to become healthy themselves.

I hate the current social messages of girl bosses (sure, let women be strong, but with the goal of supporting good male leaders -- not replacing them,) or that being a man (especially Caucasian) is somehow toxic, and I hope men know that not all women think this way.

I have an idea for another man-centric thread that I will hopefully post sometime in the near future.

As a Christian woman, I hope that as a community, we can let both men and women know that what they go through matters, and we want to help.

 

[keepingthingsreal]

that being a man (especially Caucasian) is somehow toxic

Welcome to my life. I am not complaining, but just saying.

 

[seoulsearch]

Welcome to my life. I am not complaining, but just saying.

I'm Asian, but was raised completely by Caucasian people and grew up among them.

It's been interesting to me because most of the love I've ever experienced has been from Caucasian people -- but most of the prejudice I've ever experienced has also been through Caucasians.

Now I'm certainly NOT saying that prejudice doesn't happen in EVERY race of course -- this is just what happened to me because of where I lived.

I also grew up in an area that had predominant white/black areas with very strong divides and feelings on each side.

I've found that I can sometimes "get away" with things others couldn't because I'm neither white nor black. I worked in a mixed atmosphere, and it was funny when I jokingly tried to identify as "a person of color," because neither side wanted to claim me! (But I was fortunate that it was all in good humor.)

I dated a guy once whose parents were two different races, and it was intriguing to see that he favored one and almost looked down on the other to the point of scorn.

Prejudice in all forms (along with sexism) always saddens me, but I have hope in the fact that God seems to connect me with more and more people of wider and diverse backgrounds (which is something I've prayed for since childhood.)

 

[keepingthingsreal]

I'm Asian, but was raised completely by Caucasian people and grew up among them.

It's been interesting to me because most of the love I've ever experienced has been from Caucasian people -- but most of the prejudice I've ever experienced has also been through Caucasians.

Now I'm certainly NOT saying that prejudice doesn't happen in EVERY race of course -- this is just what happened to me because of where I lived.

I also grew up in an area that had predominant white/black areas with very strong divides and feelings on each side.

I've found that I can sometimes "get away" with things others couldn't because I'm neither white nor black. I worked in a mixed atmosphere, and it was funny when I jokingly tried to identify as "a person of color," because neither side wanted to claim me! (But I was fortunate that it was all in good humor.)

I dated a guy once whose parents were two different races, and it was intriguing to see that he favored one and almost looked down on the other to the point of scorn.

Prejudice in all forms (along with sexism) always saddens me, but I have hope in the fact that God seems to connect me with more and more people of wider and diverse backgrounds (which is something I've prayed for since childhood.)

For me, your opening post and what you just stated here clearly point out the foundational issue or problem which is simply this:

Stereotyping.

Whether it is done based upon someone's gender, race, age, social status, or whatever, nothing good ever comes from it. As I said in an earlier response, everybody is an individual, and making anybody "guilty by association" is never the right thing to do.

 

[SomeDisciple]

. At least I learned a new word: hagmaxxing.

Probably not a term that merits being utilized by Christians. One of the videos from my link explains that the Term originated on 4chan and originally referred to a woman maximizing her hagginess; and was then used by a few you-tubers to describe men maxing their own lifestyle by taking advantage of such a woman willing to support them. Moreover, there isn't a whole lot of evidence that this is actually some kind of major GenZ trend.

 

[Lynx]

Probably not a term that merits being utilized by Christians. One of the videos from my link explains that the Term originated on 4chan and originally referred to a woman maximizing her hagginess; and was then used by a few you-tubers to describe men maxing their own lifestyle by taking advantage of such a woman willing to support them. Moreover, there isn't a whole lot of evidence that this is actually some kind of major GenZ trend.

You can add passport bros to the list. Guys who make a habit of going to countries with lesser economies so they can find a good girl to have a good time with for very little money.

 

[seoulsearch]

Probably not a term that merits being utilized by Christians. One of the videos from my link explains that the Term originated on 4chan and originally referred to a woman maximizing her hagginess; and was then used by a few you-tubers to describe men maxing their own lifestyle by taking advantage of such a woman willing to support them. Moreover, there isn't a whole lot of evidence that this is actually some kind of major GenZ trend.

I had read about the origins of the term on 4chan and how it evolved before writing this thread.

I listen to a couple of channels that talk about current social terms, topics, and trends because I find that it helps me talk to people in everyday life. I'm always asking God for "Rosetta Stones" -- something familiar to them that I can use as a base to talk about other things with them. Many time the "Rosetta Stone" I'm giving is a social topic or trend. People then usually tell me about some of the things that are troubling them in their lives, and this opens the door for me to ask, "Do you believe in God? Do you ever pray?"

But the first thing I thought about when I listened to this commentary about "hagmaxxing" wasn't about age differences or how many people might actually be doing this, but rather, I was thinking about two guys I used to know.

Both were raised in Christian homes, one with abuse due to women (but his Christian-identifying father did nothing about it,) and the other was adopted like me -- but said that since he was abandoned by his birth mother and impossible expectations from his adoptive mother, he said he would never be able to trust a woman not to leave him or expect too much of him. But they were both going through relationships and hookups like water because they craved some sort of validation from a woman that they did not get in childhood.

And so my thought process went from there, wondering how men in particular process a lack of love or nurturing while growing up and how they learn to cope.

I know it's different for everyone, just as everyone who's participated in this thread seems to have picked up on different things -- but for me, this is one of the most interesting aspects of these types of threads.