Should I Divorce My Wife???

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remus777

Guest
#21
#21
Thank you, Everyone. This is the only message board I have been on where people actually suggest waiting and praying and trusting.

So I spent the day drafting my complaint for spousal support. In my State, you have to show you have grounds for divorce in order to get spousal support, so I laid out my grounds; desertion, excessive cruelty, and adultery. Even though I am not sure of adultery, I included it in the complaint because, well, it is possible and if I am going to file I am going to file. Afterwards, I was feeling uneasy about it. So I went into the bathroom to pray. (that is my prayer room). While there, I checked my email on my phone and I had received an email from someone named "Paul" who advised me that the Lord did not want me filing anything against her, that she may look at it as attacking her, that I only want her money and not her, and that it may turn her away from me, which is NOT what I want. Then I came here and read everyone's posts telling me to wait and not give up. I am not in financial hardship (yet) so I do not need to file.

I will continue trusting and waiting. My wife is a wonderful woman. It's just right now, for some reason, she is NOT herself. I pray that God can reach her. I came across I Tim. 5:8. I don't want my wife to be lost. I want to spend eternity with her.

Thank everyone again for your positive advice.
 
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remus777

Guest
#22
#22
In order to get a restraining order you have to prove that imminent bodily harm. Basically, you have to show that you were in danger of being hurt. This is difficult to do. I have seen cases where a boyfriend angrily approached a girlfriend, lifted his shirt to show the handle of a gun stuffed in his pants, and threatened to shoot her, and the girlfriend was denied the protection order because the boyfriend did not pull out the gun. Here, my wife did not even come outside. We were never in each other's presence. The judge would have questioned her intensely and would have been irritated with her because of the fact that she was no where near in danger of being harmed. My wife is very sensitive and she would have been embarrassed and humiliated had we actually had a trial. So, to avoid a trial, I told the judge I consent to what she is asking for. By me consenting, she did not have to speak or be questioned.
Lucy68 said:
What does this mean? " Long story short, I consented to a restraining order because I did not want her embarrassing herself in court (I am an attorney) so I cannot make any more attempts."

It does sound like she's going through a lot of confusion and justifying her own behavior through lies and placing blame on you. Maybe eventually she will consent to counseling together. Be patient and continue finding support through your church, friends, and Pastor. But be careful about what would constitute gossip. It's hard to come back into a situation where you know people have been talking negatively about you....so when she does desire to come back , she will be comfortable doing so ..and will return to a loving and forgiving environment.

Praying for you both!
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remus777

Guest
#23
#23
That is what makes this so difficult, Songbird. Most couples in general have some sort of discussion. She told me that she was not coming home at 4pm September 14. But at 1pm on the same day, I had just texted her that I was able to secure the resort she wanted for our anniversary in October and she was ecstatic. So things were going well! Makes no sense.


Songbird_7 said:
I have marital problems, but I've never been in this type of situation. My husband and I both have wanted to leave each other for a time, and I've threatened to divorce him, but God is maturing us both. I think a separation is not always a bad thing if someone needs to work out their problems. It's very strange to me that she would up and leave like that with no explanation. Were you even having problems that you are aware of? Most Christian couples I know will at least talk about it with each other and seek counseling before they leave. I'm sorry you're going through this, but you seem like a very Godly man in wanting to honor her and protect her even when she's doing this to you. Pray and seek counsel. I think everyone else had very good advice, but do not give up on her. We all have times when we are confused, when we're in a dark place, and I think it is worldly wisdom to kick her to the curb. She is still precious to God and she needs to know how much you love her. Love her as Christ loves the church and gave Himself for her. That is the kind of love that will bring someone back, and I truly pray that she does come back to you and your kids.
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G

GOD_IS_LOVE

Senior Member
#24
Mar 16, 2009
306
4
18
#24
remus777 said:
That is what makes this so difficult, Songbird. Most couples in general have some sort of discussion. She told me that she was not coming home at 4pm September 14. But at 1pm on the same day, I had just texted her that I was able to secure the resort she wanted for our anniversary in October and she was ecstatic. So things were going well! Makes no sense.
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By that restraining order she seems to be upset though. Bear in mind that in a woman's heart things may accumulate over time and one day just burst out unexpectedly. It may also be that she developed some sort of connection with another man (even just emotionally) and all of the sudden wanted to severe the ties with you.
May God give you strength, wisdom and love in all this!
 
S

Stephen

Guest
#25
#25
Praying for you. I too am searching Gods direction in how to handle a wife who has left the family. She is out on her own and I am caring for our two sons 4 and 6. I would encourage you to take your time with divorce. No one here disagrees God hates divorce. Where we differ is on what circumstances is it allowed and I do not yet have a definitive position. Our Christian counselor recommends I never file and to resist my wife's legal actions. He believes marriage is until death due us part and nothing...absolutely nothing but death ends the marriage. Like you, I am abandoned and some say that is cause enough. This is the beginning of the 3 rd week for me, not sure where you are in your abandonment, so I have begun to search Gods word and will to determine what to do next. I definitely encourage you to search for yourself and to seek wisdom and guidance from those Godly brothers and sisters you are surrounded by. Also, pray for her because ultimately she is rebelling against you and most concerning of all against our Heavenly Father. We all know what happens with continued rebellion and I'm sure you want her restored to the Father. Praying for you. Take this time to grow in faith and understanding.
 
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Songbird_7

Guest
#26
#26
Yes, that is really strange. Do you have any mutual friends who might have some clue as to what's going on? I know I talk to my girlfriends when things are going rough. Unless she tends to be the type to keep all of her emotions inside. My husband is that way. He's a "stuffer" and he keeps stewing over things until he explodes. If that is the case here, then maybe she hasn't been able to express her true feelings to you for a very long time and it finally led to her leaving. I dunno. Seems like a real mystery. But I think you are right in waiting. I would not want to file for divorce until I knew and understood the reason for my spouse leaving out of the blue.

remus777 said:
That is what makes this so difficult, Songbird. Most couples in general have some sort of discussion. She told me that she was not coming home at 4pm September 14. But at 1pm on the same day, I had just texted her that I was able to secure the resort she wanted for our anniversary in October and she was ecstatic. So things were going well! Makes no sense.
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remus777

Guest
#27
#27
Really sorry to hear that, Stephen. I...I'm not sure what to say other than I'm praying for you. I'm sure the kids must be confused and hurt and that only adds to your hurt.

My wife has been gone since Sept. 14, so four and half months. I pray that you don't have to wait that long for your wife to come home.

I tend to believe the same as your counselor, but this is after doing extensive study of God's word and other material. I wish I had studied this extensively when my wife was home. I am not sure she knows that what she is doing is against God's will. Does your wife believe that her vows were sacred?

Stephen said:
Praying for you. I too am searching Gods direction in how to handle a wife who has left the family. She is out on her own and I am caring for our two sons 4 and 6. I would encourage you to take your time with divorce. No one here disagrees God hates divorce. Where we differ is on what circumstances is it allowed and I do not yet have a definitive position. Our Christian counselor recommends I never file and to resist my wife's legal actions. He believes marriage is until death due us part and nothing...absolutely nothing but death ends the marriage. Like you, I am abandoned and some say that is cause enough. This is the beginning of the 3 rd week for me, not sure where you are in your abandonment, so I have begun to search Gods word and will to determine what to do next. I definitely encourage you to search for yourself and to seek wisdom and guidance from those Godly brothers and sisters you are surrounded by. Also, pray for her because ultimately she is rebelling against you and most concerning of all against our Heavenly Father. We all know what happens with continued rebellion and I'm sure you want her restored to the Father. Praying for you. Take this time to grow in faith and understanding.
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remus777

Guest
#28
#28
The friends we shared together, she has cut them off. Her friends, the two she has, barely speak with me. I have stopped calling and asking. They did say just to pray for her. I am sure she has her reasons for leaving. Whatever it is that I have done I would love to sit down and speak with her about it, apologize, and make sure I never do it again. No communication is a tough one to overcome. If we were to sit down and talk, she would be home. No doubt. I think she knows this, which is why she is dead set against speaking with me.

Songbird_7 said:
Yes, that is really strange. Do you have any mutual friends who might have some clue as to what's going on? I know I talk to my girlfriends when things are going rough. Unless she tends to be the type to keep all of her emotions inside. My husband is that way. He's a "stuffer" and he keeps stewing over things until he explodes. If that is the case here, then maybe she hasn't been able to express her true feelings to you for a very long time and it finally led to her leaving. I dunno. Seems like a real mystery. But I think you are right in waiting. I would not want to file for divorce until I knew and understood the reason for my spouse leaving out of the blue.
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S

Stephen

Guest
#29
#29
remus777, my wife is very away of what Gods word says about marriage. We met with me witnessing to her and did the premarriage counseling etc etc. We even had Matt 19:6 engraved on our wedding bands. She knows. But in a counseling session she said her beliefs have changed some. To me that means changed to suit her hearts desires. And His word teaches us that mans heart is wicked above all. So, while she doesn't give a very clear and consistent reason for wanting out it is clear she wants her independence. Will she change her mind after being on her own for a while....we shall see. I do love her and would like to remain married...but this is the second time she has left I 2 years. the first time was almost exactly the same with little good reason. She came back wanting forgiveness and claimed being apart for 7 months helped her realize "how good things really are". During that time I remained faithful to our vows and spent most of my time caring for the boys and school. Sorry for the long answer...yes she knows...or knew.
 
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Turtle1

Guest
#30
#30
I hope this helps... As i am going thru simular issues... Might have to read a few times to totally understand.

We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. 2 Corinthians 1:8–11
 
H

Hungry

Banned
#31
Nov 26, 2012
3,095
1,050
113
#31
Remus, the pressures heaped on women today are difficult to fathom. I have to give my wife credit that she handles so much in our home. Along with the full time job, she does much of the grocery shopping, organizes our four kids activities (that's a full time job in itself), prepares many meals, lunches, birthday parties, Christmas gifts and more. I know this is common in many homes, so kudos Mom's. I'm actually surprised more moms haven't had breakdowns. Although it's easy to find fault with how she is acting, there is probably a reason for her behavior. When my wife has a gripe and blames me for something and I don't think it's my fault, often in prayer, when the anger subsides, God is able to explain my contribution to the mess. I'm sure you're livid. I would be. Honestly I think I'd be more angry than sad. Let go of the anger. It will be easier to hear God and when you do make contact with your wife you will be able to communicate better with her.
 
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remus777

Guest
#32
#32
Wow!!! Now that is something. With Matt 19:6 engraved on her wedding bands. At least she came back. I pray she comes back again, except this time with a new knowledge and respect for God. May this time she will realize how good God really is to her and never leave again. I am so sorry that you are going through this. You are one patient man.

Stephen said:
remus777, my wife is very away of what Gods word says about marriage. We met with me witnessing to her and did the premarriage counseling etc etc. We even had Matt 19:6 engraved on our wedding bands. She knows. But in a counseling session she said her beliefs have changed some. To me that means changed to suit her hearts desires. And His word teaches us that mans heart is wicked above all. So, while she doesn't give a very clear and consistent reason for wanting out it is clear she wants her independence. Will she change her mind after being on her own for a while....we shall see. I do love her and would like to remain married...but this is the second time she has left I 2 years. the first time was almost exactly the same with little good reason. She came back wanting forgiveness and claimed being apart for 7 months helped her realize "how good things really are". During that time I remained faithful to our vows and spent most of my time caring for the boys and school. Sorry for the long answer...yes she knows...or knew.
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K

kenisyes

Guest
#33
#33
The more you post, the more it is clear how hard this decision is for you. Professionally, I'm certain you have learned to separate your client's desires from your own. Separating God's desires from your own is way harder, I think.
 
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remus777

Guest
#34
#34
You are most certainly correct. It is extremely difficult. Maybe this is what God is trying to teach me.

kenisyes said:
The more you post, the more it is clear how hard this decision is for you. Professionally, I'm certain you have learned to separate your client's desires from your own. Separating God's desires from your own is way harder, I think.
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I

intercessorginger

Guest
#35
#35
You can't be "married" to the woman who isn't there. She has abandoned you and if she does not return you have no recourse then to divorce her.
 
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danschance

Guest
#36
#36
The topic of divorce is difficult and painful for those involved with it. Perhaps my story will help. My wife left me and her 2 sons to live with a lesbian after I found out about an affair she had with a man. I suppose I have biblical grounds to divorce her.

I was chatting with a good christian friend about divorcing her. So we both prayed and asked God for guidance Both of us got that God was saying "Not now". Two or three years later, while on the phone with the same friend, I was complaining about how long it had been. Then God spoke to me very clearly and said "I waited longer for you". Which hit me like a cannon ball in the gut. God certainly had waited a long time for me to come to Him.

Now it has been more than 5 years and I am still waiting. However, now I can see things happening as God is now starting to work on her. So I still have hope and faith in God that someday we will be reunited.

My limited advice is to seek out God's will and do it. God certainly does hate divorce and today the divorce rate with in the church is higher than the secular world. Seems like satan is doing his best to destroy marriages. Hang in there brother. I know it can be lonely and painful but doing things God's way is the best solution.
 
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remus777

Guest
#37
#37
WOW!!! Five years!? Lord, God! Please don't make me wait that long.

I hear stories on here and see that you all are so much better than I am. It's been four and half months for me and it seems like an eternity. I'll be 40 next year (so will she). I pray that God reaches her this year. I know He is able. I pray that He does.

danschance said:
The topic of divorce is difficult and painful for those involved with it. Perhaps my story will help. My wife left me and her 2 sons to live with a lesbian after I found out about an affair she had with a man. I suppose I have biblical grounds to divorce her.

I was chatting with a good christian friend about divorcing her. So we both prayed and asked God for guidance Both of us got that God was saying "Not now". Two or three years later, while on the phone with the same friend, I was complaining about how long it had been. Then God spoke to me very clearly and said "I waited longer for you". Which hit me like a cannon ball in the gut. God certainly had waited a long time for me to come to Him.

Now it has been more than 5 years and I am still waiting. However, now I can see things happening as God is now starting to work on her. So I still have hope and faith in God that someday we will be reunited.

My limited advice is to seek out God's will and do it. God certainly does hate divorce and today the divorce rate with in the church is higher than the secular world. Seems like satan is doing his best to destroy marriages. Hang in there brother. I know it can be lonely and painful but doing things God's way is the best solution.
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M

Mayco

Guest
#38
#38
I recently got divorced and i tell you, there was so much I could have done, but didn't because being right was more important than being right with how God wanted me as a true, mature man. My emotions got caught up in it all.
I regret it so much.
I am remarried and love my wife very much.
God gives us all many chances, as He did with me.
It still hurts and I still deal with the consequences of it all.
We cannot change others.
I pray for my previous wife. I still pray for a forgiving heart for myself.
I find it hard to understand now God can forgive a coward like me.
The hardest part is knowing that all along this battle, there were places where I could have been the real man, and admitted to my selfishness, and saved my marriage, but did not.
I didn't do the right thing, because the wrong done to me was too great.
My ex-wife threw me out if the house. Maybe it was extreme, but I was not the man I needed to be.
The best part is, God's incredible grace.
I still find it hard to believe God still trusts me with anything after losing my marriage.
It is other Christians who still make me feel bad for my sin. Isn't that weird?
We shoot our wounded, don't we?
I guess inside every Christian, is a little Pharisee who pops his head out every so often.
I know it does with me.
Thanks,
Mike
 
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remus777

Guest
#39
#39
Divorce stinks

Mayco said:
I recently got divorced and i tell you, there was so much I could have done, but didn't because being right was more important than being right with how God wanted me as a true, mature man. My emotions got caught up in it all.
I regret it so much.
I am remarried and love my wife very much.
God gives us all many chances, as He did with me.
It still hurts and I still deal with the consequences of it all.
We cannot change others.
I pray for my previous wife. I still pray for a forgiving heart for myself.
I find it hard to understand now God can forgive a coward like me.
The hardest part is knowing that all along this battle, there were places where I could have been the real man, and admitted to my selfishness, and saved my marriage, but did not.
I didn't do the right thing, because the wrong done to me was too great.
My ex-wife threw me out if the house. Maybe it was extreme, but I was not the man I needed to be.
The best part is, God's incredible grace.
I still find it hard to believe God still trusts me with anything after losing my marriage.
It is other Christians who still make me feel bad for my sin. Isn't that weird?
We shoot our wounded, don't we?
I guess inside every Christian, is a little Pharisee who pops his head out every so often.
I know it does with me.
Thanks,
Mike
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B

BarlyGurl

Guest
#40
#40
Remus,
I haven't posted here... but I have on other associated threads. I do want to address something I noticed from your posts further up the thread. You said you are an attorney... and while this surely can be of benfit to you for negotiating the legal process... it is hampering your spiritual process in this scenario. You said the children are not hers, rather yours from a previous union... if she hasn't gone thru legal process to have adopted them... she has absoutely NO obligation to them and while that is very unpleasant in terms of christian charity... the children are yours and having an expectation that she contribute financially in an supportive basis toward yours and their lifestyle is outside the boundaries of God's order. With all do respect... the most succinct term is "MAN UP". If this means you have to drastically reduce your current lifestyle for lack of her income to properly provide for your children... then DO IT. Eluding to intending to ask for spousal support somewhat reveals the disordered nature of how you previously conducted marriage. I do realize the boldness of my writing here and truly want you to recognize I do want for you to be successful... I as well as several others have counseled you to recognize this woman's dissertion of the marriage... so there is agreement there. You can choose to wait for her to return... or for her to marry another... but you are not under bondage to this non-marriage. If you wish to reconcile... live like a divorced man... give her no $support not attempt to take what is hers. If you choose to divorce... she is not required to pay spousal support but DO request the court award her communal property as she abandoned the marriage (broke contract) and therefore has no legal entilttlement to divide marital assets... she is the breaching party... not you. I hope my points are clear... if not feel free to PM me and we can hash out the legalese to clarify what I am saying. Remember.. If God is for your who can be against you... but make darn sure you are on God's side of the dividing line.
 
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