Christian jokes
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A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered. So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.
"That might be OK in California, but we're not having any of that here in Texas!
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered. So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.
"That might be OK in California, but we're not having any of that here in Texas!
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the bad behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to earth to check it out. So he called out one of his angels and sent the angel to earth for a time.
When the angel returned, he told God, "Yes it is bad on earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not.
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called out another angel and sent him to earth for a time, too.
When the second angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, the earth is in decline: 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good."
God was not pleased. So he decided to E-mail the 5% that were good because he wanted to encourage them -- give them a little something to help them keep going.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE E-MAIL SAID?
*
*
No?
*
*
*
*
I didn't get one either.
When the angel returned, he told God, "Yes it is bad on earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not.
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called out another angel and sent him to earth for a time, too.
When the second angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, the earth is in decline: 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good."
God was not pleased. So he decided to E-mail the 5% that were good because he wanted to encourage them -- give them a little something to help them keep going.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE E-MAIL SAID?
*
*
No?
*
*
*
*
I didn't get one either.
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his doctor and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit, one on each side of his bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.
Both the doctor and the lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the doctor said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?" The old preacher mustered up his strength, then said weakly,
"Jesus died between two thieves ... and that's how I want to go."
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit, one on each side of his bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.
Both the doctor and the lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the doctor said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?" The old preacher mustered up his strength, then said weakly,
"Jesus died between two thieves ... and that's how I want to go."
burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze.
When he heard nothing more, after a while, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard again, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I am just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in blazes are you!?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?
The bird promptly answered::
"Probably the same kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus..."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze.
When he heard nothing more, after a while, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard again, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I am just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in blazes are you!?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?
The bird promptly answered::
"Probably the same kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus..."
J
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the bad behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to earth to check it out. So he called out one of his angels and sent the angel to earth for a time.
When the angel returned, he told God, "Yes it is bad on earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not.
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called out another angel and sent him to earth for a time, too.
When the second angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, the earth is in decline: 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good."
God was not pleased. So he decided to E-mail the 5% that were good because he wanted to encourage them -- give them a little something to help them keep going.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE E-MAIL SAID?
*
*
No?
*
*
*
*
I didn't get one either.
When the angel returned, he told God, "Yes it is bad on earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not.
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called out another angel and sent him to earth for a time, too.
When the second angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, the earth is in decline: 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good."
God was not pleased. So he decided to E-mail the 5% that were good because he wanted to encourage them -- give them a little something to help them keep going.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE E-MAIL SAID?
*
*
No?
*
*
*
*
I didn't get one either.
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between
them a young man.
"This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they began arguing until the King called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew
the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent
blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The man must marry
the first woman's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's
court.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE
mother-in-law."
them a young man.
"This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they began arguing until the King called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew
the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent
blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The man must marry
the first woman's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's
court.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE
mother-in-law."
On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outsidegates of heaven waiting for the Angels to process them..
While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When the Angel approched them, they asked him. The Angel replied "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited for an answer. . . . for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all.
"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"
After yet another month, The angel finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
The Angel, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard to the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!!" the angel replied, "It took me three months to find a pastor up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"
While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When the Angel approched them, they asked him. The Angel replied "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited for an answer. . . . for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all.
"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"
After yet another month, The angel finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
The Angel, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard to the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!!" the angel replied, "It took me three months to find a pastor up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"
This ones an old classic
There is an atheist swimming in the ocean. All of a sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat. As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"
In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"
Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?" The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.
As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of a sudden the shark stops and pulls back. Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..."
There is an atheist swimming in the ocean. All of a sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat. As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"
In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"
Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?" The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.
As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of a sudden the shark stops and pulls back. Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..."
