Christian jokes

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Prov910

Senior Member
Jan 10, 2017
880
43
0
#21
Moses shuffles down from Mount Sinai with a stone tablet in each hand. "People, people" he shouts, "Gather around!" "I've got good news, and I've got bad news." "The good news: After 40 days of negotiation, we're down to ten!" "The bad news: Adultery is still in."
..
.
.
.
================================

/ I keed, I keed. :)
 

mcubed

Senior Member
Dec 20, 2013
1,449
199
63
#22
What car is in the Bible?

They were all in one ACCORD

cha...ching....


What state is in the Bible?

They looked out of the ARK-AND-SAW


cha-ching....
 

Lynx

Senior Member
Aug 13, 2014
13,050
725
113
#23
Re: I die a little more inside whenever I post trash like this

As long as a man makes it, it's okay. :p
I don't drink it, so I don't make it. If I drank it I'd make it, because I would want to make sure it was made right. But since I don't drink it, I don't even know how it should be made right. And since I don't know how to make it right, I don't bother.
 

BillG

Senior Member
Feb 15, 2017
5,341
810
113
#24
And God said to Moses “ Come forth”
But Moses came fifth and won a toaster
 

BillG

Senior Member
Feb 15, 2017
5,341
810
113
#25
Did you know they played tennis in the bible?

Jospeh served in Pharos court.
 

BillG

Senior Member
Feb 15, 2017
5,341
810
113
#26
BAPTIST DOG
A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be a Baptist.
They visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs. Finally, they found a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted. The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife.


"Fetch the Bible," he commanded. The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner.
"Now find Psalm 23," he commanded.
The dog dropped the Bible to the floor, and showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through and finding the correct passage, pointed to it with his paw.
The pastor and his wife were very impressed and purchased the dog.


That evening, a group of church members came to visit. The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were very impressed.
One man asked, "Can he do regular dog tricks, too?"


"I haven't tried yet," the pastor replied.
He pointed his finger at the dog. "Heel!" the pastor commanded.
The dog immediately jumped on a chair, placed one paw on the pastor's forehead and began to howl.


The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, "Good Lord! He's Pentecostal!"
 

Lynx

Senior Member
Aug 13, 2014
13,050
725
113
#31
BAPTIST DOG
A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be a Baptist.
They visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs. Finally, they found a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted. The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife.


"Fetch the Bible," he commanded. The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner.
"Now find Psalm 23," he commanded.
The dog dropped the Bible to the floor, and showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through and finding the correct passage, pointed to it with his paw.
The pastor and his wife were very impressed and purchased the dog.


That evening, a group of church members came to visit. The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were very impressed.
One man asked, "Can he do regular dog tricks, too?"


"I haven't tried yet," the pastor replied.
He pointed his finger at the dog. "Heel!" the pastor commanded.
The dog immediately jumped on a chair, placed one paw on the pastor's forehead and began to howl.


The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, "Good Lord! He's Pentecostal!"
I am a Pentecostal minister and I approve this joke. (My dog does the same thing.)
 
Dec 28, 2016
6,041
295
83
#33
If you take a Baptist fishing with you, you have to take two Baptists, or he'll drink all your beer. :D
 

BillG

Senior Member
Feb 15, 2017
5,341
810
113
#34
Q: How many Calvinists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. God has predestined when the lights will be on.

[HR][/HR]Q: How many Atheists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: None. Atheists don't believe in light bulbs.
A2: One. But they are still in darkness.

[HR][/HR]
Q: How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 10, one to change it and 9 others to pray against the spirit of darkness.

[HR][/HR]
Q: How many TV evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One. But for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation today.

[HR][/HR]
Q:How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb?
A:10. One to actually change the bulb and 9 to say how much they like the old one.

[HR][/HR]
Q:How many Presbyterians does it take to change a light bulb?
A1:Well, it should require about five committees to review the idea first. If each is staffed with half a dozen members, that's what ... 30?

[HR][/HR]
Q:How many members of the Church of Christ does it take to change a light bulb?
A:5. One to change the bulb, 4 to serve refreshments.

[HR][/HR]
Q:How many charismatics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:Three, one to cast it out and two to catch it when it falls!

[HR][/HR]
[HR][/HR]Q:How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb?
A1:10. Five to determine how many can be changed by the year 2000, four to raise the necessary funds, one to go find a national to do the job!
A2. One, and thirty natives to see the light.

[HR][/HR]
Q. How many Christians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Three, but they're really one.

[HR][/HR]
Q. How many Quakers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Ten to sit around in a circle until one feels the inner light.

[HR][/HR]
Q. How many Hare Krishnas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Ten, one to do it and the rest to dance around, play the tambourine, chant, and sing.

[HR][/HR]
Q. How many fundamentalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. THE BIBLE DOES *NOT* SAY *ANYTHING* ABOUT LIGHT BULBS!!!!

[HR][/HR]
Q. How many agnostics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None. Agnostics question whether light bulbs really exist.

[HR][/HR]
Q. How many Zen Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two, one to screw it in and one not to screw it in.

[HR][/HR]Q: How many charismatics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, since his hands are in the air anyway.

Q: How many evangelicals does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Evangelicals do not change lightbulbs. They simply read out the instructions and hope the lightbulb will decide to change itself.

Q: How many Atheists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One. But they are still in darkness.

Q: How many Brethren does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Change?????

Q: How many Pentecostals does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 10, one to change it and 9 others to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Q: How many campfire worship leaders does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One. But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.

Q: How many independent Baptists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, any more than that would be considered ecumenical.

Charismatics: Only one. Hands already in the air.

Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.

Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.

Episcopalians: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better.
Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including
incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved -- you can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Churchwide lighting service is planned for Sunday, August 19. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.

Amish: What's a light bulb?
Southern Baptists:


A: One hundred and nine.
Seven on the Lightbulb Task Force Sub-committee, who report to the twelve on the Lightbulb Task Force, appointed by the fifteen on the Trustee Board. Their recommendation is reviewed by the Finance Executive Committee of five, who place it on the agenda of the eighteen-member Finance Committee. If they approve, they bring a motion to the twenty-seven Member church Board, who appoint another twelve-member review committee. If they recommend that the Church Board proceed, a resolution is brought to the Congregational Business Meeting. They appoint another eight-member review committee. If their report to the next Congregational Business Meeting supports the changing of a lightbulb, and the Congregation votes in favor, the responsibility to carry out the lightbulb change is passed on to the Trustee Board, who in turn appoint a seven-member committee to find the best price in new lightbulbs. Their recommendation of which hardware is the best buy must then be reviewed by the twenty-three-member Ethics Committee to make certain that this hardware store has no connection to Disneyland. They report back to the Trustee Board who then commissions the Trustee in charge of the Janitor to ask him to make the change. By then the janitor discovers that one more lightbulb has burned out.
 

Dino246

Senior Member
Jun 30, 2015
5,759
1,045
113
#35
Regarding the lightbulb jokes, I had to re-think two of them. I won't say which ones, but I will note that I had to wash my mind with soap afterwards. :rolleyes:
 

BillG

Senior Member
Feb 15, 2017
5,341
810
113
#36
Regarding the lightbulb jokes, I had to re-think two of them. I won't say which ones, but I will note that I had to wash my mind with soap afterwards. :rolleyes:
Which ones?
 
Dec 28, 2016
5,455
172
63
#37
How many weightlifters does it take to change a light bulb?

3

One to change it and two to say “You’re looking huge, bro, huge!”
 
Dec 28, 2016
5,455
172
63
#38
How many country music singers does it take to change a light bulb?

2

One to change it and the other sings a sad song about it.
 
Dec 28, 2016
5,455
172
63
#39
How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?

2

I change it why preacher4truth brags about Ohio State’s comeback victory yesterday.

#Braggart
#LazyBum
#Idoalltheworkaroundhere
 

EarnestQ

Senior Member
Apr 28, 2016
2,577
293
83
#40
How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? One, but the bulb has to want to be changed.