Des' Calvinist Love-In

The Baptist scolds the Presby
The alcohol he scorns
In stanzas long and hefty
Our drunkenness he mourns

But at Lamb's feast we'll be closer to the throne
At all his potluck's he forgot
None can live by bread alone

*pops a cork
*opens a can
*cracks a beer bottle

*crushes can on forehead
*lays head on Bible

Their bodies were full of licker
While their minds got even sicker.
They said it was medicinal
Though the effects were residual
But said it was good for their ticker.

Tourist buts in our conversation
With verses he disposes
But he's welcome I say
The Baptist causes dozes

Or is it the sacramental wine?

When wine's not handy
Beer will suffice
Instead of one drink
They want to have it thrice.

Presbys fill their bellies with booze
When their pastor preaches
And opens his bible(ESV) wide
Here comes the snooze.

They will blame it on the alchy
Saying they were out too late
Then they'll say they're broke
When they receive the collection plate.

But their pastor he's not fooled
He knows what's going on
He was shooting billards at the local hall of pool
Having drink # 21

Those drunken bums...

WORD!!!

I am not a tee-totaller
When I said that
To my baptist brethern
You'd think I said
Jesus was a goat-herder

For me to be a poet,
I haven't the time,
To sit here all day,
And make sentences that rhyme.

For those who do,
I leave no rebuke,
But some of your corny lines
Are about to make me puke.

The Baptist knows nothing
of Presbyterian culture
On our drinking he pounces
like some reckless vulture

On Sundays the alcohol still mocks
But we pass no collection plate
We tithe via box

Ignoramuses

Presbys don't use swords
We are not simple Huns
First we use our words
Fail that we use our guns

The baptist knows nothing
Of presby's church culture
We don't put booze on the Lord's table
Nor do we act like vultures
Or eat like horses in a stable

The presbys when in times of despair
Will say Miller Lite and Zesta crackers will suffice
They'll stagger out the door
After eating the Lord's table thrice

Those drunken bums...

WORD!!!

Wowzers and I'm all out of popcorn!!!!!! Well, we know them there were drinkers in Corinth were 'terians they got rebuked for eating all the food and getting drunk at the love feasts. Everyone knows no Baptist will drink in front of another'n!

Trading barbs is not my role
I hate to be a sniper
But we have RC Sproul
You're stuck with lightweight Piper

Boom! Actually...except the bits of him that ARE Baptist, Piper is very good...

The presby pastor was surprised
By such a small number this last service
Only three were at the service
And with sunglasses on their faces

The night before was a local bachelor party
The newest husband to be
Was an aleck of smarty
But he's a presby
Don't looked surprised at me

He invited all the men the alchy would be flowing
Like rivers of water it poured out
The men's noses aglowing
Like a bunch of piggy snouts

The men were in their wives doghouses
These leaders of their wives
Were cowering like teeny tiny mouses
Their wives acting like really ticked off bees
Swarming around their hives

Those who showed up
To the Lord's house that Sunday
Had a good reason they were there
They were the only single men
No woman to tell them where to stare.

Okay, this was a really lame attempt...

We have Spugeon and Pink in our fold
So all is not lost
But the presby theologians
Have been a blessing to my soul.

You make me feel the need
To set some things right
When liberals do their deed
I reach for Al Mohler and James White

As surely as man sins
to models wearing garters
You must admit I win
Presbys are way...smarters

There, something equally lame. We're even.

Snaps fingers.. sips cup of espresso

Presby are way smarters
I had to laugh
Though I usually don't chuckle
They are the ones who are rather daft.

Sips of espresso
Such a gastly taste
I had it once
And tossed it in haste

Presbys don't usually drink espresso
But mix if with booze
And they'll drink it?
I guess so