What Happens When That Attractive Person You Marry... Loses Their Attractiveness?

Hey Everyone!

We've had a few threads running about what we find attractive in a potential date and/or spouse. The general consensus seems to be that we all want (and some would say need) to find someone who is attractive to us, but the definition of what's attractive or not will vary greatly between individuals.

* What happens after 20, 30, or 50 years, and 20, 30, or 50 pounds? Do you think you'll still be attracted to that person?

* What will happen after someone loses their attractiveness to you (or you to them)? (This goes far beyond physical appearance, too--what if the person you marry becomes ill, and it completely changes their demeanor and personality, possibly making them bitter and critical instead of loving and kind?)

* How do you feel about staying with someone if you are no longer attracted to them?

* How would you feel (and what would you do) if your spouse was no longer attracted to you?

As Christians, if we marry, we commit to staying with someone no matter what, and I have to be honest in that when I really think about it (and see the challenges couples deal with as they get older), I find it to be quite intimidating.

I'm posting a few pictures as examples of the Biblical truth that "beauty is fleeting" (Proverbs 31:30.) I know not everyone will find these people attractive but I just wanted to show how even The Most Beautiful of the Beautiful might not stay so beautiful forever.

What do you think?

(Please stand by... My original post is too long due to pictures I want to include. Give me just a few minutes and I will hopefully get them to post.)

1. Some of you might remember Mr. Val Kilmer of "Top Gun" and "Batman" fame at the height of his career:

(So sorry everyone... I'm having to break this up into several posts... Give me just a few more minutes to try to include everything.)

Thank you for your patience!

Here is Mr. Kilmer in recent times, after a battle with cancer:




(I have 3 other examples I would like to show... Thank you so much for your patience, and again, I apologize.)

That first pic of Val Kilmer reminds me of Prince William.

2. Brigitte Bardot was unquestionably one of the most beautiful women of her time and is still famous for these images today:




Here is what Ms. Bardot looks like today:

3. Mickey Rourke was undoubtedly ruggedly handsome (some might remember him as the "bad guy" in Iron Man 2):





And, here he is today (though there are also several photos of him with long, scraggly hair as well.)





4. Once upon a time, fresh-faced Nicole Eggert was a "Baywatch" babe:





And here is Ms. Eggert today, talking about her allegations against Scott Baio of misconduct when she was a young teen on "Charles in Charge."




I can openly admit that these are the types of things that concern me when I think about marrying (even though I hope to do so.)

All around us, people are being replaced for younger, prettier, more handsome, "upgraded" versions, whether Christian or not.

One of the biggest things that scares me is that if someone doesn't like something about me, he can just hop on the internet and go through a catalog of hundreds of thousands of other girls who don't have my flaws and are indeed younger and prettier. (And yes, I certainly realize that it can go both ways.)

I posted a thread similar to this a while back, but I wanted to see what the current crowd has to say.

* Do we all believe that when our spouses lose whatever physical attractiveness they had that held our sway, our feelings are going to somehow magically stay the same?

* And if it's inner beauty that we're attracted to, what happens if the loving, fun-to-be with person we fell in love with changes into someone we don't even recognize, and have a hard time talking to anymore?

Thank you so much for hanging in there with me!! Now that all the parts of the original post are put up, I would be very interested in hearing your thoughts...

Lesson #1 Don't marry for looks! Marry for love and true friendship, being equally yoked. We all get old and shrivel up!
Lesson #2 See lesson #1
THE END

I would have to say once you're in a relationship with someone you love fiercely and passionately with all your heart, as beauty fades, it makes no difference because true love endures. If your desire fades away, if you find they are no longer attractive, that love is getting cold, I'd wonder more about the state of the heart of that relationship. Perhaps the passion has been unattended to and resentment is building. Maybe anger and bitterness have begun to take root, and the things of the world are tempting you away from each other. It could be that you're not listening as keenly to each other as you once did. TALK about it. Get real with each other and be honest.

On the other hand, there are some famous entertainers (both male & female) who feel that people are only attracted to their physical attributes. Marilyn Monroe said she was always jealous of women who were loved for themselves and not just for their outward beauty. She never knew when she was really loved because all she ever heard was that she was sexy. When people praise you all your life for your body parts, it's really difficult to recognize real love. I guess the grass is always greener on the other side.

I don't know for sure. I married a 9.5. She was thick in all the right places, and thin in all the right places. She had dove shaped eyes, and long brown hair. I never noticed until she divorced me... she had gained weight and looks changed from having kids.
I think when you get to grow old with someone, it isn't noticeable. Up until the end, in my mind, she always looked like that girl I met in church.

My wife has not lost her attractiveness.

At the risk of hijacking the thread, what if the person you're married to loses their attractiveness... not in terms of outward physical appearance, but in terms of attitude towards you?

From experience I can say this, at least for myself: adapting to a change in looks can be challenging, but adapting to a change in temperament can be impossible.

Hopefully by then you will have come to love the person for who they are...



(I'm not saying that these folks aren't attractive.. )

I understand what you're saying Dino, and tried to address this in part in my first and last posts--I agree with you that temperament, to me, would be the most difficult thing to adjust.

I was thinking of people whose spouse's personalities seemed to completely change after life changes such as having children or going through an illness.

I guess when I was younger I didn't think about how far the net of "for better or worse" could be cast, and it's something I think about a lot more as I watch some of the people around me living out the challenges of time.

I've never been married but that's hard for me to imagine. If you are physically attracted to someone in the beginning I would think I would still like them later. I haven't seen too many ugly old people.

He actually looked worse a few years ago... I don't know if he put on all that weight because of the cancer or not, but he lost a lot of weight since then.. (or maybe he lost the weight due to the cancer... that's probably the more likely explanation)

These people don't look that bad after all it is what's on the inside that counts. That's pretty bad to call someone with cancer ugly.

This topic has been on my mind a lot, the last few years.

My grandparents on my mother’s side have always seemed the ideal picture of everything. Beauty and strength in their youth, kindness and generosity to others, strong in their faith, loving in marriage. They moved out of state four years ago, but came to visit last summer. And the change in them...they are stooped over now, shuffling more than walking. Frail. Hollowed out. Grandpa has had trouble with skin cancer, and it’s robbed him of most of his left cheek. Grandma has ankles that swell painfully and make her awkward. Their eyes droop and their hair has thinned and they still...flirt. I caught grandpa pinching grandma’s rear end as they walked through my front gate.

I couldn’t help but wonder How is that still possible?

To make me wonder further, my own parents’ marriage only improves by the year, as age takes its toll on them.

I look at myself- graying hair, iffy health, yo-yoing weight and attitude...and wonder at what point it will be too much for my husband. When will he look at me and realize I’m not the 19 year old he married?

At the same time, he is every bit as handsome to me now as he was on our wedding day. I can’t imagine what kind of cataclysmic event it would take to change that.

So my answer to this thread is...I don’t know. I don’t know what happens if the attraction disappears. It could happen, to either of us. One of us could be disfigured, paralyzed, suffer brain damage, be stricken with severe illness or mental illness that changes us. I can’t do anything to stop that happening, so I have to rely on and trust in the commitment I know is solid Now.

I feel like I’m about to get off track with this, so I’ll quit while I’m ahead.

I am certainly not calling any of these people ugly, let alone someone with cancer (seeing as several of my own family members have fought cancer as well.)

My purpose in including these photos was just to make the point that even if someone marries for physical attraction in particular, one's physical appearance will change over time.

As attractive as all of these people might still be, I think most everyone would agree that they look a bit different than when they were younger.

But unattractive doesn't necessarily mean ugly. It can simply mean that the person's not physically attractive.