How are you doing since you and a narcissist are no longer together?
AJ Woods, Narcissistic abuse survivor, researcher and author
I read this on Quora, and thought it ought to be shared on here, and i am sure that there are victims on here, just as they are on other websites. I hope this helps someone. This was written by AJ Woods.
On December 15th, 2018 I was discarded by my narcissist ex-wife in the cruelest way possible. Not only did she end our 7 ½ year relationship/marriage, but she continued to punish me for several months afterwards—taking all of my money, ruining my credit, left me homeless, disposing of all of my personal belongings, and just when I started to climb out of that hole— she would kick me back down by contacting me again to flirt with me and drop hints of a possible reconciliation. It was madness.
This past year has been an emotional rollercoaster that I thought would never end. I think that I’ve experienced the worst of human emotions possible during the last 12 months. I’ll be completely honest and say that there were many times during the last year that I didn’t believe that I would be around to see the new decade. However, something that I rediscovered in myself was that I’m a fighter and a survivor. I had forgotten that about myself.
Even though my discard was on Dec 15th, the beginning of the end started in earnest in May 2018. That’s when she decided to use her fists on me to settle an argument that she started. I called the police, and she subsequently was arrested. Even though I should have left her at that point, I was too trauma bonded to consider that as an option. I never understood how abused partners can stay with their abusers, but after being the victim, it’s not as easy as just walking out the door—there are too many emotional ties, and the abuser uses other more powerful weapons besides physicality to get you to stay.
After her arrest, she started an all-out assault on me to punish me for daring to stand up to her. When it looked like I was going to leave—which I tried a few times, she would start with her sweet words and actions to seduce me into staying. Only enough to keep me off balance though, because as soon as my resolve started to melt, the meanness and devaluations came back with a vengeance.
In December of 2018, I finally caught her with a guy who I thought was a friend of mine. I suspected it for a while but kept making excuses for her. After catching her red-handed, she tried several different explanations and excuses—all of them blaming me for her actions. I finally stood my ground to her and told her there was no excuse, and she admitted in anger that she wasn’t going to stop. So, I left. I left my home, my marriage and the state. She said if I stayed that she would keep doing what she was doing. I later found out that he was only the last guy she cheated on me with, not the first.
I left a broken man. She took everything from me— my heart, but also drained our bank accounts, maxed out our credit cards, took her name off of them leaving me with all of the debt. I had nowhere to go and no one to turn to. I had no money, assets or credit. Worst of all, I still wanted her— I was willing to forgive her regardless of the cost. I was in the worst pain imaginable. She was still texting me and flirting with me, then dumping me all over again. This happened several times in the next 2 months. I seriously considered suicide and came very close to it.
At the end of February of this year, I went to a sporting goods store to buy a gun-- at the time I thought it was the only solution available to me. As I walked in the store, I passed all of the camping equipment. I’m a retired Marine, and that equipment called to me. I remembered some videos that I saw on YouTube about hiking the Pacific Crest Trail, and the idea came over me like a warm blanket. Instead of buying a gun, I bought a tent, hiking boots, a sleeping bag and other camping supplies that I needed. I decided to hike the PCT— what else did I have to lose?
I started the drive to San Diego, CA the next morning from Dallas, Texas. I arrived three days later, parked my car at the airport, took an Uber to the US/Mexican Border and started walking north. I walked for the next 55 days... 536 miles, and along the way left all of my anger, hurt, and memories of what I thought was a good marriage in the mountains of Southern California. I came off of the trail somewhere near Mojave, CA to get back to Texas to go to my daughter’s college graduation. The man who left the trail wasn’t the man who started on the trail.
In the several weeks following my hike, I cut her off in every way humanly possible. I deleted all of our pictures, blocked her friends and family on social media and threw away all souvenirs and “reminders” of our marriage. She’s tried to contact me multiple times since then, but I set an email rule for anything from her or her family to go to my junk folder. I spent most of the next several months healing, working a part-time job, and writing about my experiences.
Fast forward to this last week— Christmas 2019. My adult children spent the holiday with me, and our relationship has gotten extremely close. My 23-year-old daughter and I had a falling out in late 2018... much of it was due to the stress I was going through with my ex, and her efforts to keep me from my children. We’ve managed to reconnect and get close in a way that I never thought possible. I’ve also been able to be there for my 19-year-old son—help him register for college, take him to work, and bond with him in a way that I haven’t been able to for many years. I was offered and accepted a job running a US congressional campaign. I’m the campaign manager for a retired Marine buddy who’s running for congress and saw my PCT posts. He reached out to me because he wanted someone with the perseverance that I showed.
My finances are better— a year of living like a monk will do that. I’ve involved myself in local sports, making new friends and enjoying my new activities. I’ve also found that I’m ready to enter the dating world again—I never thought I would want to get romantically involved ever again. However, rebuilding my happiness and self-confidence has allowed me to a place where I desire love again—this time being careful of my boundaries and not accepting devaluing behavior from any future romantic partner.
After a year, I feel good and hopeful for the future, and I never thought that I would be able to say that a year ago. I really didn’t.
Bottom Line: It can get better if you put the work in to find out who you are, what was wrong with you to let a toxic person in your life to begin with, and why you felt the need to stay. It’s been a journey to hell and back, but I’ve learned who I am. Most importantly, even though I found some flaws in myself, I discovered that I really do like who I see in the mirror every day and I’m a good person worthy of much better than I used to accept.
Don’t get me wrong… I still think about her, but now I remember her meanness and cruelty. I don’t miss her, but I miss the illusion that she created and what I thought we had. She does invade my thoughts occasionally, but it stirs disgust in the pit of my stomach now. Not the longing that I had for her a year ago. I miss the fantasy that she created, but now I know it was just that… a fantasy, and now it’s time to make that a reality with someone who is emotionally healthy, and not kill a part of myself to only make someone else happy for just a minute.
I will never again over give of myself to someone to prove my worth and value. If they don’t see it, there’s nothing I ever could do to change their mind.
Life can be good; however, we must choose whether we want to be happy or not
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