The sin of refusing sex

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presidente

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May 29, 2013
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kaylagrl said:
Your husband should never have to demand sex from you. It is fulfilling one anothers needs. It shows your love for your partner. It's not a Biblical POV of sex. It is how we were created.
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I find myself agreeing with most of what you post on this topic. One thing I would point out is that if a marriage comes to a place where one spouse is 'demanding sex' the spouse of whom the demands are made should question whether he or she is depriving the other spouse. The 'demanding spouse' could be bossy or domineering. But if we are talking about one spouse shutting the other off and refusing them, then the offended spouse wants to have a serious conversation and insists on cranking up their sex life again, I don't think we should fault the deprived spouse over it. Such a conversation might seem unromantic, and probably not the kind of conversation any of us would want to have. But it might be appropriate in some marriages.

You learn to do things properly as a couple by communicating your needs. If you can't then you go for help. Demanding rights is not a phrase to be used in a Christian marriage. You belong to each other.
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If my wife popped out of the shower in a bathrobe or came to me wearing some lingerie and playfully 'demanded her rights' as a wife, I wouldn't have a problem with that. That's probably not the type of thing she would say. Married couples say all kinds of stuff to each other in their bedrooms.
 
Blain

Blain

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presidente said:
So if you are married and your wife were after you for sex a few times a week, would you make this speech to her and turn her down? The Bible says not to deprive one another. We just follow that. If God doesn't want us to have something we desire in life because the desire is carnal and contrary to His will, He can make His own decisions based on that. I'm not going to deprive my wife of something the Bible teaches is her right because I think i can teach her some spiritual lesson.
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If I knew that that it was according to the spirit then yes I would. I know that the flesh has carnal desires but what is more important is the spiritual desires of God and especially if there is a lesson to be shown in it. When Stephanie and I dated I told her I could not have sex because I have no sexual desires due to my body being damaged from cancer and she was fine with that but what I couldn't give her in the flesh She said she had grown closer to God by being with me

Even if I was amrried and deeply in love I always put God first and I listen to his voice, for whatever reason it might be even if I had desires I would listen to his voice above fulfilling the desires of the flesh and if you think about it that is actually not a bad thing because the more we refuse the flesh the more we grow in the spirit that is one of the main reasons for fasting but fasting isn't limited to food and drink
 
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presidente

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Blain said:
If I knew that that it was according to the spirit then yes I would. I know that the flesh has carnal desires but what is more important is the spiritual desires of God and especially if there is a lesson to be shown in it. When Stephanie and I dated I told her I could not have sex because I have no sexual desires due to my body being damaged from cancer and she was fine with that but what I couldn't give her in the flesh She said she had grown closer to God by being with me

Even if I was amrried and deeply in love I always put God first and I listen to his voice, for whatever reason it might be even if I had desires I would listen to his voice above fulfilling the desires of the flesh and if you think about it that is actually not a bad thing because the more we refuse the flesh the more we grow in the spirit that is one of the main reasons for fasting but fasting isn't limited to food and drink
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I am not speaking ill of you in your situation. Your wife (I assume you mean Stephanie is your wife's name) agreed to the situation.

But thinking of marital sex as a work of the flesh is wrong thinking, IMO. The flesh may not want to love properly and may lead one to refuse one's spouse out of selfishness. That fits more with my understadning of the flesh. We could refuse to feed a baby over not wanting to give in to the 'flesh' but that would be wrong thinking. Refusing to hug and comfort your spouse out of a desire not to give in to the 'flesh' is wrong thinking, IMO. Paul lists the works of the flesh in Galatians.
 
Blain

Blain

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presidente said:
I am not speaking ill of you in your situation. Your wife (I assume you mean Stephanie is your wife's name) agreed to the situation.

But thinking of marital sex as a work of the flesh is wrong thinking, IMO. The flesh may not want to love properly and may lead one to refuse one's spouse out of selfishness. That fits more with my understadning of the flesh. We could refuse to feed a baby over not wanting to give in to the 'flesh' but that would be wrong thinking. Refusing to hug and comfort your spouse out of a desire not to give in to the 'flesh' is wrong thinking, IMO. Paul lists the works of the flesh in Galatians.
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No she is not my wife but we were going to get married however certain circumstances led to us breaking up. I am not saying that you cannot have sex with your spouse as it is a natural thing but there are times when even if the spouse wants it we have to say no. If saay your wife is becoming addicted to it for instance you don't feed that addiction, or if for instance they are in their time of the month that is not a safe time to have intercourse because they are more likely to become pregnant
 
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sushiseggrolls

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May 21, 2020
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presidente said:
I Corinthians 7:5
Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
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It is important to love and respect your partner! The very next verse says that this is a concession- not a command. Is your wife/husband sick and tired? If you truly loved them, you would be able to control yourself in order to honor them and let them be healthy and well. Sex is not mandatory, it is not to be demanded. The point of this passage is to not tempt people away from what is good.

If I misunderstood your take on this verse because of the title, I sincerely apologize.
 
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presidente

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Blain said:
No she is not my wife but we were going to get married however certain circumstances led to us breaking up. I am not saying that you cannot have sex with your spouse as it is a natural thing but there are times when even if the spouse wants it we have to say no. If saay your wife is becoming addicted to it for instance you don't feed that addiction, or if for instance they are in their time of the month that is not a safe time to have intercourse because they are more likely to become pregnant
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I can understand abstaining for menstruation. Gentiles were driven out of the land of Canaan for this and a list of other sexual sins and other sins in Leviticus. Cutting one's spouse off because of 'addicition' to sex? That doesn't sound right. I have heard of 'sexual addiction' manifesting in adultery, fornication, and porn watching. I wouldn't want to put the 'addiction' label on people having sex in marriage. Having children in marriage is a normal thing.
 
Blain

Blain

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presidente said:
I can understand abstaining for menstruation. Gentiles were driven out of the land of Canaan for this and a list of other sexual sins and other sins in Leviticus. Cutting one's spouse off because of 'addicition' to sex? That doesn't sound right. I have heard of 'sexual addiction' manifesting in adultery, fornication, and porn watching. I wouldn't want to put the 'addiction' label on people having sex in marriage. Having children in marriage is a normal thing.
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Well sexual addiction comes in many forms even between spouses of course wanting to have sex is normal but there does come a point when it becomes a bit to excessive. my sister who sadly is way to open open her sex life is married and she wants to have sex constantly she was addicted to porn before she was married and her husband honestly is concerned she has been like this for a good while now and he doesn't know what to do about it.
Everytime he says no she becomes agitated with him and goes to her room for hours he swaers he hears her in their on her laptop but is to afraid to check.

So he just gives her what she wants and I told him he needs to get her help because I know my sister it is a slippery slope until she goes to far and that he shouldn't give her what she wants just for that reason
 
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presidente

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Blain said:
Well sexual addiction comes in many forms even between spouses of course wanting to have sex is normal but there does come a point when it becomes a bit to excessive. my sister who sadly is way to open open her sex life is married and she wants to have sex constantly she was addicted to porn before she was married and her husband honestly is concerned she has been like this for a good while now and he doesn't know what to do about it.
Everytime he says no she becomes agitated with him and goes to her room for hours he swaers he hears her in their on her laptop but is to afraid to check.

So he just gives her what she wants and I told him he needs to get her help because I know my sister it is a slippery slope until she goes to far and that he shouldn't give her what she wants just for that reason
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Like I said, I have heard of 'sexual addiction' in relation to porn and other issues. If a husband or wife wants a lot of loving marital sex, that is not wrong.

If not having sex with her husband weakens her to be tempted by porn, my advice would be the opposite-- try to satisfy her. Periods, fasting, childbirth, and health issues are legitimate reasons not to be able to do that.
 
tourist

tourist

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#129
presidente said:
Like I said, I have heard of 'sexual addiction' in relation to porn and other issues. If a husband or wife wants a lot of loving marital sex, that is not wrong.

If not having sex with her husband weakens her to be tempted by porn, my advice would be the opposite-- try to satisfy her. Periods, fasting, childbirth, and health issues are legitimate reasons not to be able to do that.
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I guess that having a headache may fall under heath issues.
 
Blain

Blain

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presidente said:
Like I said, I have heard of 'sexual addiction' in relation to porn and other issues. If a husband or wife wants a lot of loving marital sex, that is not wrong.

If not having sex with her husband weakens her to be tempted by porn, my advice would be the opposite-- try to satisfy her. Periods, fasting, childbirth, and health issues are legitimate reasons not to be able to do that.
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No when I talk about her addiction to sex I mean addiction like bad you don't feed an addiction just to keep them from going to porn she needs help I think something is up with her body that needs to be checked by doctors

This isn't a once a month thing for her it is all the time she seems to have an unusually high amounts of hormones and I think that is an actual medical condition I would have to re check but no if a person is that bad with that kind of addiction like I kid you not at a scary level you don't feed it you get it fixed.
 
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presidente

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Blain said:
No when I talk about her addiction to sex I mean addiction like bad you don't feed an addiction just to keep them from going to porn she needs help I think something is up with her body that needs to be checked by doctors

This isn't a once a month thing for her it is all the time she seems to have an unusually high amounts of hormones and I think that is an actual medical condition I would have to re check but no if a person is that bad with that kind of addiction like I kid you not at a scary level you don't feed it you get it fixed.
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If she has something wrong with her, medically, getting herself checked out seems like a reasonable thing to do.

But you said not once a month. If it's a night after night thing, the husband should count his blessings. if it's every hour or so, it would be hard for anyone to keep up with that.

Based on the verses we are discussing, providing one's spouse with sex helps prevents temptation. The Bible doesn't say to cut them off to keep them from being too fleshly.
 
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presidente

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May 29, 2013
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tourist said:
I guess that having a headache may fall under heath issues.
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Some people do have serious headaches. There is also the stereotypical 'I have a headache' excuse not to have sex.

I worked with a construction worker who said he went to his wife with an aspirin on a little plate and a glass of water.
She said, "What's that for?"
He said, "Your headache."
She said, "I don't have a headache."
He said, "Let's do something."

He used a dirty word in the last line of his story, then clarified that he didn't talk like that to his wife and he said, "Let's do something."
 
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GWYW_Bob

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Jun 12, 2020
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presidente said:
I Corinthians 7:5
Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
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It happens a lot. Realistically, it is wise to designate certain days or talk about it ahead of time, so one doesn't have to worry about it.
In theory it sounds great, but in reality a lot goes into being in the mood and being able to be relaxed and focused. I don't think there is anything wrong with "not tonight but we will do it tomorrow", as long as that happens.
 
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presidente

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GWYW_Bob said:
It happens a lot. Realistically, it is wise to designate certain days or talk about it ahead of time, so one doesn't have to worry about it.
In theory it sounds great, but in reality a lot goes into being in the mood and being able to be relaxed and focused. I don't think there is anything wrong with "not tonight but we will do it tomorrow", as long as that happens.
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If you and your spouse are both cool with that, fine. What if one isn't? What if one of them says, "That's what you said last night, and the night before that, and the night before that, and the night before that you had a headache."

Part of having fulfillment in this area is spending some time trying to get into the mood. That may involve setting aside some time for hugging and kissing.

Especially when I was younger, I did not quite understand this be in the mood thing. Most moods worked fine for me as a young married husband. Certain moods, like severe depression might not work so well, maybe, but even those wouldn't be that great of an obstacle. Women may be wired a little differently, and aging may effect things.
 
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Prycejosh1987

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presidente said:
I Corinthians 7:5
Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
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I don't think depriving your partner from having sex with you is a sin. I do believe that acting on that can cause some major issues in the relationship though. Sex is not the be all end all, but it is very important.
 
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GWYW_Bob

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Prycejosh1987 said:
I don't think depriving your partner from having sex with you is a sin. I do believe that acting on that can cause some major issues in the relationship though. Sex is not the be all end all, but it is very important.
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What makes you believe it isn't a sin to deprive your partner from having sex? It may not be one of the 10 commandments but God's word is very clear-Do not deprive one another-I know that scares some people to death but I think it means what it says. The Christian is to avoid fornication and get married, so to be rebuffed is only going to cause him or her to sinful thoughts and that can lead to cheating.
It is wrong to say no to your spouse and is a selfish thing to do.
Not being interested is not a good excuse to deprive your spouse of the only legitmate means of sexual expression they have.
What if one spouse just wants to arouse the other to be good to them? To get rebuffed is incredibly confusing.
God knows what he's talking about. Have sex with your spouse whenever they want it.
Elsewhere in 1 Corinthians 7 it says to render the due benevolence or the debt we owe which is sexual satisfaction.
 
Encouragement

Encouragement

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1ofthem said:
Sex is important in a marriage. I mean if I'm not mistaken, it is one of the main reasons to get married. Paul says those that cannot contain should get married and it is better to marry than to burn. And then you have the verse that says, married partners are not supposed to withhold sex from one another.

So I assume, to just withhold sex unless you are fasting, sick, or something major like that could be a sin.
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Yes sometimes sex can be even used as a means of manipulation of the other person by depriving then of it inorder to get something or just to have a sense of control.
 
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presidente

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If you get married and your partner doesn't provide 'due benevolence', that probably doesn't do much to help prevent temptation to fornication, one of the reasons Paul gives for marriage in the passage.
 
Dan58

Dan58

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I doubt it would be classified as a sin, but rather just a marital duty to help a spouse from looking elsewhere for sexual gratification.
 
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