wishing for death

Do you know what a Christian is? Why did you think you were one before?

This is the peace I have:
The Divine is not petty; therefore it does not care if you pursue it or not. It IS. Whether you are worshiping it or not. It is not dependent on it. Your free will is ACTUALLY free will. Not the fear based "Choose me or Burn".
Therefore I do not really care that I don't know what happens when I die.

If i get reborn, great!
if Life ends - Great! (more reason not to waste my life being miserable pretending to wait on a God who clearly is either not all-powerful - of if he is - not benevolent).
If I do get to be reborn, well how interesting.
If I get a break to contemplate life in a paradise-like state - well interesting too - to imagine meeting so many people of so many spiritualities.

Since giving this religion up and looking into others, I have come to see the exaggeration and false things we were taught. "christians are the only persecuted people" - no - actually every religion is persecuted if they are a minority. The reason Christians are ALWAYS persecuted everywhere is because they cannot coexist without preaching and trying to convert people. Never satisfied to show respect and dignity to other cultures and beliefs. The fact that I believed I could "compleely" know something as unfathomable as the mystery of spiritality and life after death is so arrogant and I blush admitting that I subscribed to it.

I do not criticize anyone here- like I said- if it is the path for you I am truly happy for you, in a way your devotion and zeal can to a point be admired - but it was killing me. Sucking the life from me. As a 33 yr. old I was full of fear, dread and wishes of death. Clearly I was not meant to do something and read a book I was ashamed of. And if that makes me worthy of hell - well then I will deal with that later.

However since all this happened i have never felt any threat, or even an inkling of fear that hell is even real.
The peace is reaching far beyond I could have ever imagined. Actually more than before - because I never knew anything about the bible or the beliefs - but after serving and studying for 12 years - I have come to know that I don't want any part in it.

I ask you spend 34 minutes and listen to this conservative, successful realtor who had an extraordinary revelation.

I did not realize that everyone was still commenting on this post.
I happened to realize it as I was just curious to see if there were any messages on here I should respond to.



Well on an update note - I got much much worse that when I first had sent this message.
I saw my physician and he recognized that I needed to see his Counselor - We speak about once a month now.
Not long after meeting her I decided that Christianity just is not the way for me to go any longer.

And since I have left this behind I have been happier and more at peace than I can remember. I do thank you all for your encouraging messages. For reaching out and sharing your wisdom and experiences and I do really hope that they will help people. It looks like many people have read through the thread and been reminded either of one thing or another thing.


I have a hard time coming to grips with the fact that I spent so many years on a religion/practice that brought me so little joy - based on a fear instilling teaching. But I mean, fretting is also not smart, because I would just waste even more time that I could have spent following and practicing something that I belong to.


Realizing that this somehow makes me damned in all your eyes, I have to say - I am also okay with that. I do not want to waste this life being miserable and then find out that Hell and Heaven never even existed. What a waste of time, for me.
But naturally if this is your path - if it truly delights you to do your devotions, to defend the bible and the things you believe in, then that does make me happy for you. It just isn't for me.


So thanks once more for kindness here - I did not want to disappear without telling you how thankful I truly am for the time you all took to speak a prayer, to write a note or message to me and to encourage me at a time when I was so low.


Love,
HM

And even though it is about believing in jesus - it is very much about damnation - or why else are Christians always condemning the world around them?

There are people who lived during the time of Jesus who believed he was God. Do you believe in the Resurrection?

I too have difficulties with the damnation aspect of the Bible. It is something I struggle with, but I'm not convinced God would send countless multitudes of people to eternal hell (easy examples: Native Americans prior to colonization, people in countries where the Bible is banned, etc.).

It seems like you want to believe, but just can't. It is fine to pray about unbelief.

HeartMelody,
you do not need to look for Heaven and Hell too far - the Kingdom is within you, and is also where the enemy tries to pitch his tent.
The still small voice that grieves in you when you do something wrong, since you were a child, is the voice of God. We all know it.
This voice, is where our inner and true being is. And when we betray our innermost being... we lose peace and are in hell of our own making already.
GOD doesn't send anyone to hell. We unfortunately do.
It took several thousands of years and Jesus' ministry for humanity to realize how far from God and His ways our perceptions and ways of dealing with things lie. It's because of these old ways that Jesus was killed. It's like a kneejerk reaction, but it can change; dealing with it is cost of being in a body and being able to eat ice cream and listen to the birds. There's no good without the bad experience, they simply go in one package, like a wave has a rising and fall. And God had always planned to help us with the difficulties, from the beginning.
I am so sad that religion has hurt you. I was agnostic for a number of years before I was a Christian for that same reason: scare and fear that religious people spew. I loved Jesus, but not "Christianity". It does make many miserable, and there is no joy in this type of a Christian; it's living in misery and constantly ridden with guilt and feeling broken and never measuring up. But the One who created the universe isn't this way, and this is not the Way. It's people that got us. And I think it's not a loss, because you at least realized for yourself "life in God can't be that". And that is true.
The truth is never far away. It's simple and small. Look within yourself. Look around yourself. Who gives sun and rain to both the good and the bad, and whose mercies are new every morning.
Best wishes, dear, and hope to see you around again...

I appologize-
But I really don't want to - I have listened to this for 12 years. And I am really over it. But I do thank you for thinking of it. Also I have heard this guy speak and read his book. But like I said - I don't believe the devil even exists. All the evil we need is already in the human heart. We don't need to blame some force for the bad we create.

I cannot pretend to understand half of this -
It is not biblical what you say - if this is what you believe, I think it is pretty. But it is not biblical.

So there we do agree - neither of us believes the bible or the christian sub culture. However you subscribe to some aspects of that - I guess the Jesus thing - and you believe the hell and heaven thing. So there is that - but then you seem to pick the sunny, lovely yellow raisins out and leave the cruddy stuff - which I guess is allowed - at least in my mind

No I was a Wiccan most my life before being inroduced to this faith by a family I had no chance knowing. And wouldn't have unless I converted to christianity. Bu in the end they only would like me if I jumped at their bidding no matter how miserable I was.

So I will do what makes me happy And go back to who I was always meant to be. I have learned a lot during practicing this religion - I will take the good I learned and apply it in my life- but let go of all the heart break and abuse I endured at the hand of many christian organizations and work places.

I am confident enough now to be who I am meant to be instead of who I think my family wanted me to be I think- confident that if they will love me, they can love me for who I am - and if not -then I am not loosing anything, don't you agree?Same with god really.

I've never said I didn't believe the Bible... That being said I think a lot of people read it wrong.
If you look at the Bible, you can see its view shifting overtime by its writer as human awareness changes and matures.
You say I'm cherry picking, but I tell you, I am in good company!
Jesus, when quoting the Old testament He leaves out the vengeance parts out of the passages He is quoting. Like when He read from the Jubilees "this has come to pass to you today" and almost got stoned after that because He left out the vengeance. People simply couldn't fathom that there's no angry, war God. They were barely ready back then and are scarcely ready to hear this same message today. Or, sending the message to John the Baptist, again only mentioning good stuff and leaving out the vengeance part from what He quoted. And other places. Apostle Paul does the exact same. What does that tell you? Jesus came to do away with vengeance and violence, that was the whole point. And we know, that Jesus and the Father are one. We also know, that God does not change. The ones who hold onto wrath and violence and think they need it, are people. God is like a mirror, it's us who are judgy. To paraphrase because I'm on phone and it's hard to copy-paste:

"To the pure you will show yourself pure, to the froward you will show yourself froward"

"by your own words you will be justified, and by your own words you will be condemned"

"by the measure you meet it will be meted out to you"

"the one who takes up a sword will die by a sword"

So those who like hell and violence will be ended by the same as it is being revealed to them, but seeing Jesus, we now know God loves everyone and can only speak blessings - that's how it is He can't help it. Have a nice evening

Oh I see now. You converted to Christianity later in life.

I don't agree but I understand what you mean. I know family can still love someone even when they don't agree with their lifestyle.

The fact that "colonization" is a "good thing" because it brought Jesus even though it destroyed the native american's culture and stripped them of their dignity is in itself quite ludicrous - who is to say they were in need of salvation? Are you native american Indian or Asian-Indian? South american Indian?
I think it is quite a shame that all these indigenous cultures were seen as savage - and hat the western culture was forced upon them. I am sorry - but I cannot see it as a positive thing. Why would God have allowed so many lovely cultures if he meant to blot them out with the western view?

Yet the bible is full of violence and wrath with some nice verses in it.

Yet the bible is full of violence and wrath with some nice verses in it.
To quote them is nice- but not enough to convince me that it is a system I want to be subscribed to once more.
Is any religion perfect- I doubt it - since they are all made by men.

But it is up to each of us to pick the one hat best suits us - I think

Btw - welcome to the chat I am sure you will find it interesting there are so many people from so many backgrounds here. Might be confusing at times- but hopefully you feel grounded in your beliefs
Good luck on your path!

Hello dear -
The fact that "colonization" is a "good thing" because it brought Jesus even though it destroyed the native american's culture and stripped them of their dignity is in itself quite ludicrous - who is to say they were in need of salvation? Are you native american Indian or Asian-Indian? South american Indian?
I think it is quite a shame that all these indigenous cultures were seen as savage - and hat the western culture was forced upon them. I am sorry - but I cannot see it as a positive thing. Why would God have allowed so many lovely cultures if he meant to blot them out with the western view?

No I do not believe Jesus resurrected anymore. I do believe he was a holy figure - not unlike Gandhi, or Mother Teresa and the like. He is a son of god - but not more or less than you or I. not the ONLY son. Just a son.