Some Questions for Singles Who Have Been Hit On By People Who Are Married or Attached...

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Some Questions for Single, Unmarried People Who Have Been Hit On by Those Married or Attached...

  • I am single and have been hit on by someone who was married.

    Votes: 5 71.4%
  • I am single and have been hit on by someone who already had a significant other.

    Votes: 3 42.9%
  • I am single and have been hit on by someone who said they were single, but actually was not.

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • I am in a relationship and have been hit on by someone married.

    Votes: 1 14.3%
  • I am in a relationship and have been hit on by someone who was also in a relationship.

    Votes: 1 14.3%
  • I am in a relationship and have been hit on by someone who was not married or attached.

    Votes: 1 14.3%
  • I am single and have been encouraged to wait for a certain couple to break up, then make a move.

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • I am single and have had married people in the church flirt with me.

    Votes: 2 28.6%
  • I am single and have had married people in the church want to hug me too close, or too often.

    Votes: 1 14.3%
  • None of these answers apply to me, but I can relate and will share in my post.

    Votes: 1 14.3%

  • Total voters
    7

melita916

Senior Member
Aug 12, 2011
10,464
2,692
113
#21
When I was single, I never experienced being hit on by a married man.

As a married woman, I’ve never been hit on by a single or married man.
 

cinder

Senior Member
Mar 26, 2014
4,433
2,418
113
#22
Reading the poll answers again I want to add:

I'm single and wouldn't realize that anyone was hitting on me unless they were using a sledgehammer.


On a slightly more serious note. It really is amazing how much trouble and frustration and crap you can save yourself if you just adopt the mentality that married people are taken and are not an option (and the caveat of if God intends someone to be with you, he doesn't need your help to break up their current relationship).
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
27,354
9,368
113
#23
Reading the poll answers again I want to add:

I'm single and wouldn't realize that anyone was hitting on me unless they were using a sledgehammer.
Hmm...

Hey babe, what are you doing this Saturday night? :whistle::whistle::whistle::giggle:

Sorry, that was only a 20 pound sledge. Should I use a 40 pounder?
 
Apr 3, 2020
68
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#24
Your point is VERY well said in that each single persons experience is going to be different, in the same manner that each church is different. I am a lifelong single male, and no I have not been hit on by married women, whether at church or other social settings. That being said, 'inappropriate behavior' as you suggest can come in many different forms.

For example, and this happened some time ago, but I once met one on one with a pastor at a church I had started attending. The first words out of his mouth (laced with contempt) were 'women do not like you'.

Reason I mention this is that 'marginalizing' or even 'harassing' behavior towards singles comes in different forms, not just in terms of being 'hit on' by married individuals.

In my opinion, the church experience (whether married or single) should base itself around what I like to refer to as the 'one another's':

Hebrews 3:13: encourage 'one another' daily

Galatians 5:13: serve 'one another' in love

Ephesians 4:32: 'be kind and compassionate to 'one another'

Church leadership needs to take the type of servant based mentality and be the first to set this type of example, again whether towards married or single individuals.
There is a phrase for what that pastor did. Pastorbating. You see pastors are not naturally strong men. They havent won a fist fight. They will berate a group of docile christian men about abusing their wives "and these men are not". But would they have the testicles to talk like that to a group of actual violent abusive criminals? No. They are cowards.

Nationally it seems rare to find a pastor that does not think 1 way sexually. Its all and always a mans fault. He thinks the women in the congregation are having sex because the men are bad. Most pastors view christianity as a religion based on female attributes. Half a decade in church ive never heard a story directly criticizing any woman even anonymously. They worship women and that coward gets off on attacking men with his shield of being a pastor. You cant attack him back you will b the bad guy.
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
27,354
9,368
113
#25
You have obviously never met my pastor. :sneaky:
 
Apr 3, 2020
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#26
You have obviously never met my pastor. :sneaky:
Even if i had and hes not that way he would b the exception to the rule. These guys become full time preachers because they are not going to make it in the work force. And my comment was based on someguys comment. Not your pastor.
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
27,354
9,368
113
#27
These guys become full time preachers because they are not going to make it in the work force.
How rude!

Every pastor I know in our church organization works harder than most of the laity I know. Being a minister ain't for lazy people. It also ain't for sissies.
 

love_comes_softly

Well-known member
Feb 13, 2019
768
823
93
#28
Early one morning I went to the store before heading to work. I ran into my student’s father. He commented on my smile and asked if he could have my phone number, saying he’d like to hang out sometime. I was very obviously shocked and asked “aren’t you married???” I had just met with him and his wife. His response was “well...” and the conversation went elsewhere. Before leaving, he asked, “so is that a no for your number?” 🤦‍♀️

It was rather awkward and so sad. I didn’t really know how to respond apart from questioning him. I don’t understand why you’d be in a relationship if you don’t really want to be?

Clearly, he wasn’t that smart. He had my number, as all my student’s families have the capability to text me.
 
Apr 3, 2020
68
22
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#29
How rude!

Every pastor I know in our church organization works harder than most of the laity I know. Being a minister ain't for lazy people. It also ain't for sissies.
Yep they are really hard workers:) guys who cant tell women no, up to and including their wives are the definition of sissies.
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
27,354
9,368
113
#30
Yep they are really hard workers:) guys who cant tell women no, up to and including their wives are the definition of sissies.
Yeah, no, you have DEFINITELY not met any of the pastors in my church organization.
 

melita916

Senior Member
Aug 12, 2011
10,464
2,692
113
#31
I’m grateful for the pastors I’ve had in my life. All of them had full time jobs for years before they became pastors.
 
Apr 3, 2020
68
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#32
I’m grateful for the pastors I’ve had in my life. All of them had full time jobs for years before they became pastors.
Most people had full time jobs for years before retiring. That does not make retired people hard workers. I personally cannot believe full time ministry work is a paid job. They are not catholic priests doing mass every day. They speak on average 1x a week 1x a month. How that justifies a full time salary i have no idea.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
23,460
7,188
113
#33
treeboy are you an arborist?
Just wondering. Yes chopping down trees and driving the chipping truck is kinda hard work.
I do feel sorry for the birds who no longer have homes when the trees get cut down though.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
23,460
7,188
113
#34
Sissies originally meant 'sisters' so not sure who anyone's trying to slur.
Im a sister..,so I guess makes me a 'sissy' although I usually just call fellow sisters 'sis'. Its not derogatory.
 

cinder

Senior Member
Mar 26, 2014
4,433
2,418
113
#35
Most people had full time jobs for years before retiring. That does not make retired people hard workers. I personally cannot believe full time ministry work is a paid job. They are not catholic priests doing mass every day. They speak on average 1x a week 1x a month. How that justifies a full time salary i have no idea.
Because while you may never have availed yourself of it, many people expect their pastors to be on call 24-7 for all of life's problems. So if someone is ill in the hospital they want the pastor to come visit. If someone has a question about any point of morality they want a meeting with the pastor to discuss it. If their marriage is in trouble or they have trouble with their kids or they're struggling in their faith; the pastor is expected to be available and able to fix it. Anything that's going on at church people are going to expect the pastor to know all about it (even if he has no personal involvement with sunday school or worship practice or the easter egg hunt). And there are weddings, and funerals, and board meetings, and ideally checking in with people who aren't able to or have disappeared from church. And quite possibly in addition to sunday sermons (which take some time for planning, practice, and just to study up on the specific extra biblical resources to give your people an accurate understanding of the text) he may be teaching another class and or bible study.

So while some "Christian celebrity" pastors might make millions and be overpaid and materialistic. Most pastors are not overpaid and work very hard and very crazy and inconvenient hours.

To the root of your contention that pastors / Christianity idealize women and villify men: There is some evidence to suggest that modern Christianity has exalted more feminine traits and virtures while seeing sins that are viewed as predominantly men's sins as worse sins. But it's quite a leap to say that that's because an individual pastor hates men and idolizes women. A much kinder reading of it might be that the average pastor (being a man) understands all too well the strength and destructiveness of men's temptations and sees in women qualities that he lacks and can see the benefit of having. This is of course all directed toward healthy churches since there are some that still see men as having a God given right to have authority over wives and possibly all women or mix a host of other unChristlike cultural ideas with Christianity. But that's a field far to big for discussion here.

Do you have any specific instances where you think you saw a pastor not confront behavior or attitudes in a specific woman that you felt should have been confronted? Or is this just a critique because you dont' feel you can live up to the standard that most pastors do?
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
23,460
7,188
113
#36
I am sure pastors do a lot more than just the half hour church service once a week
they go out in visits to housebound, they study, they also look after church building and manitainence and organise different minsitries. A smart pastor also delegates. I think its a huge task to oversee so many sheep, and to know each and every one by name.

It might not be hard work in that is manual labour where you are physically sweating, but it can be emotionally demanding. I dont know if youve buried a loved one, but most people call on pastors to speak at funerals -that is hard when people are grieving.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
23,460
7,188
113
#37
a lot of men cant actually handle their emotions. Those that are called to be pastors can. Thats why you dont see a lot of them get into fist fights, because they do the hard work of peacemaking.

Yep that is hard work.
A lot of things cannot be just settled with a punch or slap you know.
 

G00WZ

Senior Member
May 16, 2014
1,318
453
83
38
#38
Hey Everyone,

A discussion in another thread had me thinking about how Christian singles are often seen in the church as a wild, partying, loosey-goosey kind of bunch who are always out doing all kinds of immoral things in order to attract dates or potential spouses.

Now, I certainly appreciate that we all need a reminder to keep our focus on God, but this had me pondering the opposite side of the coin -- How common is it for the single (unmarried) people here to have been hit on by those who were married or attached to someone? And if so, how have other singles dealt with it?

If you'll give me just a few minutes, I'm going to write a poll to try to establish how common this is among our current Single Forum crowd. This poll is anonymous and multiple choice, so feel free to check all that apply.

And as you can see from the poll, for this thread, I am defining single as "unmarried", because I am also interested in hearing from those who might be in a relationship, but have also encountered others who have hit on them while knowing they were already attached to someone.

I'm always grateful for the option to write polls here, but please note that the poll only allows a certain number of options. Inevitably, someone will always ask, "Why didn't you include this or that?" but it might very well be that the author simply ran out of spaces that the system allows.

Singles in churches are often treated as if they will be the ones who are always on the verge of committing immoral acts, so in this case, I would like to have a discussion about the flip side of this assumption. Please check out the poll, check whatever answers fit your situation, and let's discuss your observations and experiences here, such as:

* Have you, as an unmarried single, ever been hit on by someone who was married or in a relationship?

* Have you ever been in a relationship and hit on by someone who knew you were with someone else, but just didn't care?

* How have you handled these situations?

Even if this hasn't happened to you directly, feel free to tell us about other situations you may have observed or know have happened to others in your life, or tell us what you would do if it happened to you.

All are welcome to give their input.

* For our married friends who take the time out of their busy schedules to visit us here -- what advice would you give to singles who are unwillingly being pursued by someone who is not supposed to be pursuing them?

Please note that I am certainly not saying that there aren't times when the single person isn't at fault, or flirted with someone who was married or attached, or gave them reason to believe there was something between them.

BUT, for the sake of THIS discussion, let's talk about the times when single people are dealing with unwanted attention from someone who is married or already in a relationship with someone else.

I'm looking forward to hearing your thoughts and advice!
I have but usually i just brush it off and act like i don't know whats going on if its lighthearted, but if its a full blown invitation into some other things i tell their boyfriend/ husband what they've been up to. I feel like they need to know so they don't end up having kids with or even marrying people like that.

I had to give a guy the news about his girlfriend once, he was mad at first but thanked me later.
 

Oncefallen

Idiot in Chief
Staff member
Jan 15, 2011
6,064
3,413
113
#39
Most people had full time jobs for years before retiring. That does not make retired people hard workers. I personally cannot believe full time ministry work is a paid job. They are not catholic priests doing mass every day. They speak on average 1x a week 1x a month. How that justifies a full time salary i have no idea.

If you think that all a pastor does is speak once a week, I would gander to say that you have never known a pastor beyond shaking his hand walking out of the service. I have never known a pastor to work fewer than 40 hours a week (more like 60 or more) between studying for sermon prep, counseling congregants, visiting sick, administrative duties, etc.