The Banned Game

Admitting to Miss Ruby he was responsible for the destruction of her golden gate bridge was one of the most difficult tasks the Great Chieftain had ever had to perform in his long career of being an Evil Mastermind. Usually, he left this sort of job to the lawyers who made any concessions so incomprehensible that the recipient of the letter didn't know whether to throw the letter in the bin and hope the issue went away by itself, or engage his own legal team to prevent being sued later on. Sometimes, the Great Chieftain would embed an obscurely-worded concession - which, if read the right way, might not even seem like a concession - within an appropriately insulting letter, accompanied by a small box of milk chocolates and some flowers to soften the criticism. In these cases, the recipient was usually left feeling angrier about the reproof than satisfied there may have been some dismal attempt to accept responsibility.

However, on this occassion, it was different. It was a critical part of the plan that the Great Chieftain made the acceptance of responsibility seem genuine - an act he struggled with at the best of times, let alone when he was not even the one at fault. It took every fibre of his being to refrain from defending himself, and blaming the destruction of Miss Ruby's bridge squarely on the shoulders of his idiot-cousin on his mother's side, who clearly couldn't tell a woman from a war-mongering, clean-shaven lunatic.

"Good afternoon Great Chieftan", Miss Ruby had said.

"Good afternoon, my dear arch-Nemesis," the Great Chieftain had replied.

"Look Great Chieftain," said she, "I'm actually quite busy and don't really have time for your usual theatrics. Please could you get to the point? And please, if you interrupted me just to sing to me 'Bridge Over troubled water' again, you can hang up now."

The Great Chieftain had sighed. His arch-nemesis really needed to learn some patience. Would the evil-masterminds that everybody had come to know and love have become so popular if they demanded everything they wanted immediately? However, he did not have time to dwell on these thoughts, because he could sense his arch-nemesis was just about to hang up.

"Look, Miss Ruby, I errrrr, have somewhat of a guilty conscience."

His arch-nemesis seemed surprised. "You have a conscience?" she asked, surprisedly.

"Well, somewhat of a conscience," the Great Chieftain admitted. "A conscience is one of those pesky things an evil mastermind tries to get rid of early in his career, but unfortunately, in my case, no matter how much I prune it, it keeps growing back..."

"Oh, like a wart?" asked Miss Ruby helpfully.

The Great Chieftain instinctively put his hand to his foot. "How did she know?" he thought suspiciously. Had Miss Ruby been spying on him using her own version of the International Spy Vision?

"Oh, errrr, well, yes, much like a wart, only much prettier," he explained, making sure the toe undergoing wart-treatment was well hidden from view.

"Look," explained Miss Ruby, "I've got some food on the oven. I really need to go..."

"Oh!" exclaimed the Great Chieftain. "I just wanted to let you know that I errr...."

"Yes?" asked Miss Ruby impatiently.

"Your bridge," answered the Great Chieftain.

"What about my bridge?" asked Miss Ruby, deliberately and suddenly much more attentive.

"I errrr..... well..... I might have..... that is to say..... I accidentally..... well, it wasn't really an accident..... I destroyed it. It was me!" the Great Chieftain explained.

The Great Chieftain could hear Miss Ruby gasp on the other end of the telephone. "And why would you have done that?" she asked, when she had regained her breath.

"To teach you a lesson!" the Great Chieftain explained. "I was jealous of your Ruby triangle and well, I wanted you to know how it feels not to have something that someone else wants..."

At this point, the Empress E-Ruby of Rubyland mercifully hung up the telephone - rather loudly too on this occasion, the Great Chieftain thought. He breathed a sigh of relief. Stage one of his stupid cousin's plan complete, now for stage two...

He began to think to himself about phase two of his cousin's plan. It did seem rather violent - the assassination of history's ugliest-looking insane-woman - if indeed she was a woman at all. He briefly considered touching base with the Empress Jennymae from Jennymaesia and ordering a brief femininity check, but decided against it due to time being of the essence, and also, the Jennymaesians success rate in that regard were not exactly 100%.

K Harris was Captain Biden's right-hand man (or woman)..... And Captain Biden was already understood by all and sundry to be living in an alternate universe..... Were Captain Biden deemed incapable of performing his functions as Captain..... The Lieutenant K Harris would automatically be promoted into his place..... But..... Given the Lieutenant's questionable history (not to mention birth records), such an act would also bring into question the legitimacy of K Harris to step into her former Captain's role..... A nefarious smile crossed the Great Chieftain's face. He would honour his cousin's request to assist. But he would not assassinate the Lieutenant. He would get him promoted into a job that he was ineligible to perform.....

Madame Doubtfire thought Lionel would make an ideal Moshe. He seemed to be tongue tied, fitted in badly and was very humble, all traits associated with the character.

She had seen others audition for the part and they were absolutely terrible. One even called himself 'Moses' but came across as a brash, egotistical loudmouth who couldnt control his temper.

The boganette Miss BumBum made an ideal Zipporah who could circumcise anybody and throw a foreskin at ones feet, just to prove a point.

Kylie Minogue was obviously right for Miriam though she was facing stuff competition from Chippette Brittany who was the ringleader and the outspoken one.

Then there was Aaron, and the Pharoah. Aaron needed to be smooth tongued, and have good looks, but none of the men she had seen so far had that. And they all spoke with atrocious accents.

As for Pharoah...nobody here had the mana/prestige for that either. Unless Miss Ruby played him in drag. But she was tipped for the part of his unfortunate wife.

There was no part for Bubba. They would have to use a Baby Alive doll.

Madame Doubtfire confered with Baz, who had already started the fire.

Dame Edna is not going to be happy you are poaching her players, she said. Lionel was going to be in Priscilla but honestly he cannot handle the accent right. Also he looks awful in a dress. And Kylie might not like playing second fiddle to him.

If this movie flops, you are going to face the ire of millions of possums. They will turn on you and tear you limb from limb.

Baz was unconcerned. I can handle possums, sharks, jellyfish and crocodiles. Also humans, especially actors. Its all grist for my movie mill. I have set it up so I can churn out anything and people will watch.

Dr Chris Warner didnt want to be in love...AGAIN. He was sure he had been in love at least 36 times before but it had never been like this. Maybe he was getting old, or his heart was growing weaker, and he thought maybe he should seek a second opinion at a rival clinic or even... shock horror the PUBLIC hospital.

But Rachel Hunter was not like Alison, Tiffany, Ingrid, Grace, or even the OTHER Rachel. She seemed way out of his league, and only a receptionist! He usually went for Doctors or other nurses, not support staff.

He resolved to do something about it, and walked past the front desk. After all he had to enter the clinic and couldnt always use the back entrance. He signed in and santised his hands.

He cleared his throat. Say Rachel are you doing anything after work?

Rachel looked up surprised. Uh nothing really, maybe going for a run. Why Dr Warner?

Here goes nothing, thought Chris. Would you like to go out for a drink?

Miss Greenlips Hine was feeling guilty and had to confess to President Lanolin she'd done something stupid. She had heard the racket from the seagulls and it wasnt pretty. But at least they hadnt pooed all over the Beehive. They had left to poo all over Great Barry R Island.

You lost the chipmunks again?

No! They are safe with Mrs Hairy.

Then what? Spit it out.

I answered a call from Miss RUby.

what? You arent supposed to answer any of her calls. She gets easily confused. What did you say?

I told her she should clone herself, marry He who must not be named, insist on a honeymoon in Antarctica, get the clone to self destruct and leave him a cold and lonely widow.

?!

And now shes gone and cloned herself...I didnt think she would actually do it, but she did. I was JOKING.

How do you know she cloned herself?

Miss Greenlips Hine showed President Lanolin her Tik Tok of The Clones. She hadnt got rid or deleted them after all. And there was Miss Ruby, with them ...more than one...there were eleven of her. And she was singing 'Tie me Kangaroo Down sport' .

They heard the wobble boards.

Quick turn it off! Before it triggers another earthquake!

Keisha was typing up the minutes for Mrs Hairy's presidential campaign

1. Shittimstan's Banana Republic flag - will be green AND yellow
2. Monkey Pox is a real disease
3. Show your support by not Shaving Shittimstan - you are less likely to have monkey pox if you grow your hair long, and more if you shave, since hair is a protective barrier, however long hair may increase your chance of nits
4. Santa Claus has confirmed he WILL make it to Shittimstan, on January 6

Then there was general business. It was decided that Mrs Hairy would have the Chipmunks endorse her bid for Presidency and they would sing a campaign song. To be decided

Should for any reason Mrs Hairys campaign prove unsuccessful, she would apply for residency and dual citizenship in Lanolinland.

There was also the small matter of locating her husband and 6 children. Any zoo/private ownership/hostage situation would not be tolerated. Apes have humane rights too.We are born free.

Keisha moved and Rachel seconded the minutes. Meeting ended 11:14am

Miss Ruby asked Morty why his cousin the Chieftan insisted on taking the blame for blowing up her bridge as it was clear now that it was the hideous woman K. Harris. She was currently being escorted to Jennymaesia to be imprisoned in a man or woman's prison. Depending on what Miss Jenny decided.

"I really dont understand the Chieftan" Miss Ruby said. Morty just shrugged his shoulders. He was wanting Miss Ruby to change the subject as he did not want her to learn of his connection with K. Harris.

Eagle three who had a reputation of being a bit of a gossip chimed in. "Did you say K. Harris Miss Ruby"

"Yes I did Eagle three, do you know her" Miss Ruby responded.

"Why yes Miss Ruby, she is the hideous man/woman who was obsessed with Morty at one time and even stalked him" Eagle three replied.

Miss Ruby gasped and poor Morty turned very, very pale.

"Why didn't you tell me this before, Morty?" Miss Ruby asked, smiling. She knew that statistically, stalkers were more likely to be men, so she knew that Morty must have defied the odds to some degree.

"Oh, uhhh, well, I wouldn't really call it stalking..." muttered Morty, looking even paler, if that were possible.

Eagle Three stifled a laugh. "Well, Morty and Karmala's relationship just didn't work out," he explained.

"Oh?" asked E-Ruby.

"Well, it started early one morning when Morty went to put his bins outside for the morning pickup. It was quite early and dark, and rather than risk missing the pickup, he presumed no one would be awake, so went out quickly in his pyjamas to do the job..."

E-Ruby nodded understandingly. It's the sort of thing someone might do, if one were pressed for time, and/or too lazy just to change into one's outdoor clothes.

"Well, when Morty got outside to his bins, there was Karmala," Eagle Three continued. "Apparently, she had 'just been in the area', and then decided to 'stop by' to say hello."

"Another time," Eagle Three continued, "Morty had to errrrr... attend a local clinic for a health condition he had..." Eagle Three was frowning slightly, and talking very seriously now.

"It was an eye check-up!" exclaimed Morty.

"Well," Eagle Three continued, "Morty claims it was for an eye check-up. "I guess we have to take his word for it... But then two minutes into seeing the specialist..."

"Optometrist!" Morty interrupted crossly.

"Who should burst into the appointment but Karmala, demanding a different treatment for him than the one Morty had asked for." Eagle Three continued.

"She seemed to have this uncanny knack for knowing what Morty was doing, before he even did it, and then trying to get him to do it differently. Needless to say, the relationship didn't work out," said Eagle Three.

"And that's all," Morty finished, hoping the subject would go away.

"But then..." continued Eagle Three, "When Morty found another girlfriend, Karmala kept popping up at the strangest of times..."

"The girlfriend started getting prank calls in the late hours of the night and early morning...That sort of thing."

"Yes, yes, well, that's enough, I'm sure E-Ruby doesn't want to hear more about poor Esther," interrupted Morty. "You know what they say, don't speak ill of the departed and all..."

"The police could never be sure," continued Eagle Three, "But they said Karmala was their number one suspect. Someone had greased the brakes of poor Esther's car, and when she tried to pull up at that truck crossing..."

"Yes," nodded Morty somewhat sadly, but also somewhat irritatedly that Eagle Three kept pushing the subject. "But now all that is ancient history, and it seems the Great Chieftain must have a thing for Kamela, or whatever her name is, because he was clearly trying to keep her out of trouble."

Miss Dolly put the tiara in her cupboard for safe keeping.

Miss Sweet Winn-Dixie High homecoming Queen! Well I never. So this was what Miss Jenny was up to, trying to reclaim her former glory. Well she cant be in the parade without her tiara.

Miss Dolly decided she would get her own nails done and made an appointment with the Blackboard Nail Salon, so she could have a good ol' gossip session with Miss Bluebell, the manicurist.

True to form, Miss Bluebell couldnt resist spilling the beans when Miss Dolly mentioned Miss Jenny.

Miss Jenny has a new beau called Charles. Ah' tell you what. He's one of those cookie-cutter men if you ask me. Lahk she jes bought him bran' new and now hes wrapped round her little finger.

mm

Ah tell you somethin' else for free. Miss Jenny's sisters are all mighty jealous of him. They can' wait till her back is turned so they kin get a piece the pie. Bobbie-Jo is the worst flirt, she only has to bat her fake eyelashes an' they come a runnin'

mmm

Of course she ain't nothin' but white trash, though Miss Jenny puts on airs so nobody will think they even related, but they are shore as peas in a pod

mmm

she has this thing for politicians, an' latest news is she's tryin to stamp out all the opposition. aH heard she hates anyone different, an if you get on her bad side, watch out, you'll be treated like 'the help'

Miss Dolly raised her eyebrows but she continued to let Miss Bluebell spill

Folks roun' here call her the Red Queen on account of how she chop's anyones heads off she don' like. Honestly, if we werent desegregated ahs say she'll all be in favour of a lynching y'all. Us black folks jes stay outta her way

“G’nite’a’livin’, this Ms Bluebell sure got a gossiping tongue”, Ms Jenny thought to herself. “Too bad all of it’s a-comin’ from that badmouthn’ trailer trash special BJ.”

She dictated a harsh email to the scalawag magazine writn’ stuff from the trash can powers that be.

Dear Madam,

The online edition of Your lady magazine has described me in an unfavorable way. I demand an apology from Ms Bluebell for her mud slinging, even though she is well versed in that area judging from how makeup is applied in her ramshackled parody of a business.

Best (not) regards,

Empress Jenny I

There, I reckon this will make this awful Ms Bluebell reconsider, Ms Jenny said to herself.

Ms Bluebell didnt read no white lady magazines. She read Ebony and Jet and Miss Dolly wasnt one for magazines either, she preferred Southern gothic literature.

However Bobbie Jo liked trashy hags mags because she would cut out the recipes and do the crosswords, trying to win prizes. But there was nothing anyone could do to stop the gossip, even in the glossies because it was paid for by the beauty industry advertisers. It just so happened that Ellie-May sometimes went to the Blackboard Nail salon to get HER nails done. And Betty Jane too. And most of the Sweet Winn Dixie High graduates and Phi Pita Bread Gamma alumni.

But they paid no attention to Miss Jenny's feelings since they were used to her cutting remarks whenever she felt that someone slighted her, simply because she couldnt laugh at herself. It was the Southern way. Roses above, deadly sharp thorns below.

Miss Bluebell only wore a mask so she wouldnt breathe in the toxic fumes coming from the nail polish. It didnt make any difference to her whether Miss Jenny patronised her business or not. She could do her own nails.

The cards on the table shook for a few seconds and then the Beehive was still. Just in the knick of time, Miss Greenlips Hine had hit the red stop circle thing on her Tik Tok, for a moment there she thought it would start recording HER. All the Clones vanished and the screen went blank.

I will have to confiscate your account Miss Greenlips Hine. said President Lanolin sternly. If you cannot use Tik Tok responsibly. Or I will ban all devices from parliament.

Miss Greenlips Hine could only nod.

She didnt want to get into any further trouble, as she was already treading a thin line what with the Chipmunks going missing and now the Ruby Roo fiasco. Also it was under her watch that Bubba had been snatched away not to mention the guinea pigs. She didnt want to be sent away on yet another hobnobbing journey as an uber pilot.

Now please report to session later this afternoon as we will try our cabinet reshuffle again without any interruptions. NO DEVICES, got it?

Yes President Lanolin.

And those seagulls have all cleared out?

Yes.

Good we have a nation to run.

President Lanolin adjourned to her room to prepare a speech that would inspire all Lanolinland ministers to serve the nation in their best capacity. She didnt know or care what the leaders of other nations did, as that was their business. Lanolinland was hers.

Miss Zipmouth and Lionel were buddy-buddy. Since she had turned down the role of Zipporah and no longer playing Baba Yaga (which paid a handsome sum) she had more time to devote to her daughter while anticipating her next gig.

Lionel was now flat out with Priscilla, but he grew to hate being in drag. It was so tiresome having to be in makeup heels and outrageous costumes all hours of the night and day. He needed falsies - false eyelashes, false breasts, false nails and false wig. He also had to perfect an Aussie accent.

Miss Zipmouth, however, naturally picked up the aussie accent and enjoyed mangling the langauge as English wasnt her first language anyway. She also, was used to female costume having had to 'perform' for the Chieftain all the time in her former life with him. Why cant she be a drag Queen?

Listen Lionel, why dont we swap parts...I play Priscilla and you can play Zipporah's husband. It will be easier for both of us. Then when its over, we can exodus to Lanolinland.

Lionel said he hadnt read the script. He didnt know what playing Moshe would entail.

Miss Zipmouth did a face palm. She had sent the script to Miss Ruby. She wasnt even sure Miss Ruby would even read it.

Im sure theres another copy floating around ..somewhere. Miss Zipmouth said off the top of her head, that Moshe stuttered, didnt think he was a great leader, and parted the Ruby Sea to the Promised Lanolinland using a didgeredoo. Its epic, she said. And she was sure Miss BumBum would happily play Zipporah. She was good at the whole downtrou underpants thing.

Miss Ruby could not understand how both Morty and now the Chieftan admired so much K. Harris. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder Miss Ruby thought, and what will Tzipora do if she found out. She is known to have a temper, it is what makes her a warrioress.

Miss Ruby's thoughts were interrupted with the return of two of her clones. They accompanied K. Harris to Jennymaesia where she was locked up. Miss Ruby now had 20 clones and she named them after the first twenty letters of the alphabet. The first to be born began with the letter "A" whom she named Alphina. It was going to be Alpha (being the first) but it did not sound feminine enough. The other clone that made the trip was "R" which Miss Ruby named Ruby Jnr of course.

Eagle one was instantly smitten with Alphina and helped her off the ferry and Eagle Three was smitten with Ruby Jnr. Miss Ruby was not particularly impressed. Her clones had jobs to do and could not be diverted or interrupted by the clones. She did not know how to approach the subject with the clones but she forbid her clones from talking to the Mosestarian clones.

Royalty Magazine made a formal apology to Empress Jenny I

We sincerely regret publishing anything that may have offended your Highness. We have no idea who Miss Bluebell is, but you seem to have it in for her.
We ask that your face adorn our next cover issue in which you appear wearing your tiara. We have created an honorary Lady of the Year award just for you. We hope you will respond with good grace.

Kindest Regards
The staff at RM

President Lanolin shuffled the cabinet cards again. She dealt each minister a card, but if the minister did not like the card they were given, they could swap it with someone else but they had to keep that card once they swapped and werent allowed to announce what it was until the session had ended, when everyone would announce what card they had been dealt.

Miss Greenlips Hine crossed her fingers for Ministry of Ocean and Fisheries. Ministry of Tourism was getting tiring.

President Lanolin wanted a change from Ministry of Broadcast Media. She could only deal with so much media at once and it was all becoming a bit too much. Ministry of Forestry sounded more relaxing.

Everyone picked up and looked at their cards. Miss Greenlips Hine frowned. Ministry of Justice?
I would like to swap she said.

President Lanolin looked at her card. Huh. Well that makes a change. She kept it close to her chest. At least it wasnt the Joker.

"Alphina?" asked Eagle One politely.

The beautiful, long dark-haired E-Ruby clone Alphina turned to respond to Eagle One, but remained silent.

"I just wanted to know if I could help you with anything?" Eagle One asked.

Alphina nodded, but remained silent.

"Are you unable to talk?" asked Eagle One.

Alphina shook her head. Just then, Eagle Three approached.

"Your Ruby is speechless also?" he asked. "I'm going to see the scientist. These clones are absolutely perfect - in every way but speech."

"Excuse me, Alphina," Eagle One smiled at the pretty clone. "My brother and I need to speak to the scientist, to try to find out what's wrong with your voice."

Alphina nodded, and continued with her assigned tasks, as the two Eagle clones approached the hut of the mad scientist, which had conveniently been converted into a lab.

As the two clones approached, they could here the words "mwa ha ha", and the hairs on the backs of their necks stood on end.

Bravely, Eagle One burst in through the hut door. "Mr Jeckyl?" he announced.

The mad scientist was looking scarily hideous - much more terrifying than Miss Ruby had ever described him. The clones bravely recounted the words of their stout-hearted clone-father, the Great Chieftain of Mosestaria, who was famous for such sayings as "I tweak the nose of Terror", and "I wipe my dirty, mud-covered boots on the expensive, new carpet of Scary", and "I tell the beautiful and empathising girlfriend of Hideous that what he needs is a good plastic surgeon, not her patience and sympathy".

"Actually, I prefer to go by the name of Dr Hyde when I'm working," the mad scientist explained.

"Errrr, sir," stammered Eagle Three, still trying to recount the words of his clone-father, "Y-y-you're clones are def-defective," he said, stuttering a little.

"What!?!" exclaimed Dr Hyde ferociously. "My clones are perfect!" he shouted. "Even better than the original," he whispered to Eagle One with a wink. Then shouting again at Eagle Three "Who told you that they were defective?"

"I think what my brother is trying to say," explained Eagle One calmly to the mad doctor, "is that the clones Alphina and Ruby Junior appear unable to speak."

"Interesting," noted Dr Hyde. Pressing the large button labelled "Eden Island Intercom", he announced "Ruby Junior, please report to the Laboratory hut for inspection."

"Inspection?" asked Eagle Three. "I hope you don't mean to..."

Eagle Three's voice trailed off as the beautiful Ruby Junior walked in. Eagle Three had to quickly check that his heart was still beating.

"Ruby Junior, reporting for inspection, doctor," the beautiful creature announced.

"Ruby Junior!" exclaimed Eagle Three excitedly. "I thought you were unable to speak! You can talk!"

Ruby Junior looked at Eagle Three and smiled, but said nothing.

"You can talk right? You do know who I am? Ruby Junior?" Eagle Three asked, anxiously.

"Are you going to answer the clone?" asked the mad doctor, who, 'though mad and somewhat annoyed at Eagle Three for accusing him of manufacturing inferior clones, did feel that the least Ruby Junior could do was at least acknowledge the other clone's existence.

"No, I'm sorry doctor," explained Ruby Junior. "I'm under strict instructions from my mistress not to speak to Mosestarian clones.

Eagle Three's mouth dropped open in shock, and Eagle One took a step or two backward to regain his composure. "I wonder what exactly is it that Miss Ruby has against us that she even forbids her clones from speaking with us? Eagle One asked fiercely.

At this, the doctor put his hand to cover his mouth and whispered to Eagle One "Rumour has it that you weren't dropped on your heads hard enough when you were little," he explained. "If you'd be more like that other one..... now, what's his name...?"

"Eagle Two?" asked Eagle Three.

"That's it!" said the doctor. "If you were both more like Charles, I bet Miss Ruby would let her clones talk to you then..."

Ms Jenny had just finished saying "There, I reckon this will make this awful Ms Bluebell reconsider" to herself, when the telephone rang.

"Who on Earth can it be at this unearthly hour?" she asked herself.

When she answered the telephone, she was met with a deep and mysterious voice, strangely familiar, but with more than a hint of a Mosestarian accent.

"Empress Jennymae?" asked the voice.

"Speaking," answered Miss Jenny.

"Look, Empress, I know we have had our differences in the past, what with the misunderstanding about green lipstick and all, but it has come to my attention that the Empress of Lanolinland has crossed the line."

"The line?" asked Miss Jenny.

"Exactly," explained the voice. "There was a line in the sand, clearly labelled with the text 'This far, but no farther', and the Empress of Lanolinland has crossed it."

"Look, I don't do sales calls," apologised Miss Jenny, and was about to hang up, but the voice persisted. As there was something familiar about the voice, Miss Jenny hesitated on the hanging up.

"Look, let's cut to the chase," explained the voice. "The Editor of the Lanolinland Low-Down has said some mean things about you. She's said some bad things about me, and some absolutely terrible things about..." the voice hesitated somewhat..... "My warrioress..."

"Warrioress?" asked Miss Jenny. "That's not even a real word!"

"It is so!" argued the voice.

"Well, what on Earth is a warrioress, then?" asked Miss Jenny.

"Well," explained the deep, mysterious voice, "It's sort of like a warrior, but without all the flaws that make one not want to have a warrior around all the time. Like, warriors are often ugly, scarred and male. Warrioresses are usually beautiful, flawless, and female... and Japovian... and..."

Miss Jenny sighed. She had finally recognised where she had heard this voice before, and at the same moment, she also heard what sounded like a woman crying in the background (with a Japovian accent), and a baby crying also.

"Look," explained the voice, "The Empress of Lanolinland has absolutely no control of all the fake news spewing out of her sorry excuse for a country. My poor warrioress and her (adopted) son are in distress, and I intend to do something about it. Will you help?"

Miss Jenny's heart started to beat a little faster. She certainly didn't appreciate the tawdy gossip-rags that came out of Lanolinland... and she relished the thought of doing something about it... But a temporary accord with the Great Chieftain of Mosestaria...

Miss Jenny knew she probably couldn't trust him further than that terrible boganette actress on the Lanovision could flick one of those awful things she was in the habit of flicking under people's feet... But... The thrill of the danger, and the opportunity to stop the incessant whining of the fake news got the better of her...

"Count me in!" she exclaimed regally.

And so the clones tried their hardest to become like Charles with not much luck. Dropping him on his head made him unique. Miss Ruby wondered why the clones were acting so strangely, not themselves. They were even talking in a posh accent and suddenly became interested in the makeup and fashion industry. So Miss Ruby decided she must ask them what was going on and so she did.

They relayed to her the conversation they had with Mr Hyde. How he told them that if they were more like Charles she would allow them to date her clones. They also told her that Mr Jeckyl mentioned the clones were better than Miss Ruby. Miss Ruby was very insulted and ordered the clones to arrest Mr Jeckyl where he was promptly fed to the alligators. She also was fed up with the constant mwah ha ha that echoed across the island esp during the night. That put an end to that.

Miss Ruby explained to the Eagle Clones that her clones had a duty to perform and they were not permitted to date. She also reminded them of the feud between the Rubylanders and Mosterians, even though they were all clones. Both clones understood but were not too happy.

“Ain’t nothin’ but a rag mag,” Ms Jenny said out loud in the general direction of the mirror after speaking with the Chieftain. She asked Charles about what to do. Charles was a noble man, at least he gave that impression, but Ms Jenny knew that he was so much more. “Hmm…I think the Chieftain is onto something here, I have to admit that the Lanolin propaganda is a bit, shall we say unfair…,” Charles said with a hint of annoyance in his voice.

“I wonder what that guy has in mind,” Ms Jenny said with not so little curiosity on her face. “Coming from him I should guess whatever it is, sarcastic one liners are part of the deal and the other part includes his Japovian princess,” Charles said with a philosophical spin on his words. “It’s warrioress,” Ms Jenny corrected him, “they are flawless and female according to the Chieftain”. Charles nodded humorously. “I see”.

“I better call Ms Ruby and find out what she thinks,” Ms Jenny said while studying her nails that now needed a fixin’.

Princess Kate found out that she had been booted off Royalty Magazine in favour of Empress Jenny.
She was not happy. In fact, she was livid.

Willie - I was not even nominated for Lady of the Year. This is terrible. What shall we do? Our subjects expect certain standards. Also this is not good for my Party Planning business. Kate was hoping to resurrect her old business and had changed the direction of her business plan to focus on children's birthdays - mostly her own. She had three to plan every year, and they were always huge events.

What has Empress Jenny ever done for her empire? asked Prince William.

um...

It was a rhetorical question that didnt seem to have any answer.