The Banned Game

Santa got some twink pen out and went over his naughty list.

he shook it but it wasnt working. It seemed to have run out. Dang. I will have to print out a new one. Edna!

Yes dear?

Do we have any till rolls? I need to print out another naughty list.

No darling, but we still have that mountain of toilet paper you got before the pandemic.

At Rangimarie Retreat the kiwis were relieved to find out the Miss Jenny wasnt coming after all, there was no sham 'honeymoon' and she had gone back to watching her own trash tv.

She seems to have returned to her old narcissistic self. Do we need to continue to pray?

No she's fine.
Oh good.

Any other guests coming?
hmm, it looks like Megs and Harry have put their names down

what? Is their marriage on the rocks?
well it seems like their igloo has melted thanks to climate change and they want to move somewhere where nobody knows them.

What about their kids?
They'll come too.

huh. Wouldnt they be better off living in Antarctica? Theres more to do there. The Penguns winter wonderland is opening up this summer.

Lets pray for them.

So Ms Tailfeather couldn’t speak her own language because of the rednecks? Ms Jenny knew fully well what that was like. She spoke two indigenous languages herself of which both had been frowned upon by society. It was better now, but not good. Maybe she should make learning Sami and Choctaw mandatory in her country?

Miss Dolly decided she would grow her fingernails long instead and use them as guitar picks for her new songs she had written.
However her old chestnut 'Johlene' was still in demand. Everyone wondered who Johlene really was but nobody was forthcoming.

Hairy subcontracts from Santa and is really doing well-


His crew of elves have a great idea for all the TP the jolly old fellow binge bought before we could get him cornered and dragged back.

Santa is up for rollin’ a house? Or TP-ing as some would say. This gave Ms Jenny an excellent idea. She promptly deployed the Feminine Division to Lanolinland one dark and stormy night and the highly skilled soldiers took their rollin’ a house mission very seriously. She could hardly wait for Ms Lanolin to discover what had happened to her home during the night.

It was springtime in Lanolinland. Most of the flowers were out, and now, there would be agapanthus.

The birds bees and butterflies were having a feast. The very hungry caterpiller ate too much junk food though, and was feeling very unwell. It seemed like some Jennymaesian children who still celebrated pagan customs left a whole lot of candy scattered all over the Beehive garden.

Has there been a lolly scramble? Asked Miss Greenlips Hine. I thought that was going to be later after the movie premiere of It came from Mosestaria.

I dunno said President Lanolin. But they've also decorated the Beehive with bunting and seed tape. How very kind of them.

are you going to the premiere? asked Miss Greenlips Hine.

Oh no, I fall asleep in horror movies.

Oh look I found an easter egg!

Kevin asked President Lanolin if she had an official policy on Guy Fawkes Night since it was nearing that time of year.

Do you mean the night when Guy Fawkes tried to blow up the British Parliament and his plot was foiled?

Uh yes. Are we going to ban this celebration of terrorism? You have the power.

President Lanolin wasnt used to her ministry partners presenting her with a list of things to be banned. But Kevin had one thing he wanted to ban every day of the year. First it was dogs with their tongues hanging out, then it was dogs that pooed in the park, and the next day it was dogs that had bad haircuts and wore clothes.

Finally President Lanolin got fed up and decided to just ban all dogs.

Well...she considered. I was going to ban Halloween first. Before I banned Guy Fawkes Night. But I thought maybe we could just do a gradual ban of vapes and cigarettes before we got to fireworks.

While the cats enjoyed the dog ban on Lanolinland, and the kiwis, President Lanolin wondered if shed done the right thing. Maybe Kevin was an anomoly amongst the opposition, but she wondered if this would make her unpopular amongst the Lanolinland men, as she'd heard that dogs were a 'mans best friend'.

Lots of men had dogs, and shed had to tell them that those who had them to move to the South Island, to keep the North Island (which was Lanolinland) dog free. There was plenty of room for them to run around in the South Island, along with the deer, rabbits and they could play in the gorse bushes.

Unfortunately this had the potential to divide the country even more than the Springboks rugby tour of 1981. But she figured that the county was already divided anyway with the Cook Strait in the middle, and if a dog was desperate enough to swim over it they could.

Mittens the cat however, was pleased as hed been given the key to the city of Wellington and Auckland and no longer had to worry about where he stepped on the beach.

Mrs Olive said that the partition had to be managed peacefully and as an incentive all the hotels were to be dog friendly in the South Island and free doggie biscuits given to all that stayed while finding new accomodations.

The sheep were relieved that that the dogs were gone and set about following their new shepherds who no longer barked at them but knew them each by name.

When Kate the Great got back to the Surfers Paradise apartment hotel penthouse suite after the Big Pineapple trip she let her husband have it.

Instead of blaming Australia she turned on her husband
Call yourself a Prince! Why didnt you just pay the admission fee like everyone else?

William had turned roasted from the blazing hot Australian sun and had forgotten to wear a hat like his father advised, and the tops of his ears, head and back of his neck was all red.

We're royals Katie. They should know who we are. We are on all the magazines. We've paid reporters to report in our every move. And we did get in free.

After I had to do a strip tease for the photographers!

But you LIKE doing strip teases.

With warning! and now my feet are killing me. Kate had worn high heel shoes. She didnt like competing with a Big yellow pineapple. But she had worn a yellow dress with a spiky hat just the same, just as Williams mother had done years before. She flung the shoes under the bed. Tarts trotters! she had called them.

The worse was that they had lost George and Charlotte while they were in the queue and they had taken forever to find them, and Louis needed changing as he'd wet his pants. Theyd had to do the embarassing thing and get the staff to announce them over the PA to report to lost and found. George and Charlotte thought this was hilarious.

They had got their sticky fingers into the pineapples and everything smelled of pineapple. The Big Pineapple is mine said George. But papa you can have that old carriage that YOU sat in when you were a baby.

Charlotte kept seeing her mama in her underwear. It seemed like every time she went out she couldnt avoid flashing her undies. It kept the photographers happy.

Mama when are we going to visit Empress Ruby? Can we see her tomorrow?

Kate groaned. Ask your papa

She wanted to go into the shower and scream. She never wanted to see another pineapple again.

Miss Ruby was furious. Her enemy the Chieftan had managed to lure the purple creature away and was currently ruining her plans. She picked up a carton of eggs and one by one threw them at the Chieftan as he grinned at her with his gold tooth winking. Three of them smacked him in the head and egg ran down his face. Miss Ruby grinned back yelling "It serves you right Chieftan" and walked away.

Then suddenly there was a very loud rumbling sound. Miss Ruby looked at the sky thinking it was thunder but the sun was shining brightly and there were no clouds or rain in sight. It seemed that the odd noise was coming from the purple creature who at this stage was turning a shade of green. The Mosterian delicacy of fried cat was not agreeing with the creatures stomach and he promptly regurgitated every last bit of it all over the audience in the speedboats including the Chieftan.

Miss Ruby and Morty gasped. The purple creature turned his back on the speed boaters and walked towards Miss Ruby and Morty's boat following them all the way to the Ruby triangle. Miss Ruby was so happy. She finally had her purple Lochness monster whom she affectionately called "Lochie."

It is known that the land of Shittimistan bred chickens so Miss Ruby did a deal with Shittim the leader. Chickens in exchange for endless supplies of organically grown vegetables straight off Eden Island. This would feed the purple monster well. Miss Ruby also discussed with Morty to ask Miss Jenny and Charles if they could do some type of makeover on the creature to improve his appearance. The Lanolinland press of course would televise the arrival of Lochie. Miss Ruby was happy. The Chieftan was somewhere soaking in some type of bacteria cleansing bleach, all was well in the world.

It is indeed a beautiful day in the Ruby Triangle, Lanolinland, Shittimistan, and all over, at least for a little while-

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Miss Greenlips Hine was watching her kelp forest. She had gone diving with her new friends Miss Blue Bell and Miss Tailfeather. The Lanovision was now a blank screen and could no longer receive any foreign transmissions from any country that had dogs or behaved like dogs.

Dear what are you doing?
Dame Edna asked. She tried to cover her tracks so that her husband would not suspect that she had gone shopping for a bubba.

Santa just winked and put a finger to side of his nose. He hid the toilet paper under one of the trees in the backyard. His new recruits, the hairy elves were busy, turning coal into diamonds, deep in the secret mines of Evereverland.

Princess Charlotte got on her mamas phone while she was in the shower and scrolled down her list of contacts. She found Empress Rubys number and tapped the button.

She was hoping Empresss Ruby would answer because she really REALLY REALLY wanted to see her. Charlotte worshipped Empress Ruby and had an Empress Ruby dollhouse and all her clothes and shoes. Aunty Megs had encouraged Princess Charlotte to take an interest in fashion and spoiled her rotten before she had her own daughter. She had said every time you wear a magical outift, and it gets on your mamas smartphone, a poor little girl in Shittimstan gets a dress.

Charlotte wanted Empress Ruby to know that she could wear the magical outfits too that Aunty Meg sold. Empress Ruby lived in Rubyland which was just south of the Big Pineapple according to google maps. Surely it would not take long for papa to drive down there?

Mittens appeared on Shortland Street. Nothing was wrong with him, he hadnt had an accident or anything, he just walked into reception to meow hello.

Rachel was surprised and said fancy seeing you here Mittens. She gave him a stroke under his chin with what she thought was catnip flowers but was really a sprig of forget-me-nots. Mittens purred.

Rachel had to put up a sign outside Shortland Street that they were no longer admitting dogs. Keisha was now taking them in her helicopter to the South Island branch of the hospital in Longland Street.

After a heavy rain, around the Beehive seedlings sprang up. What are these President Lanolin? Asked Mrs Olive. I didnt plant these here.

Oh it must have been from the seed tape that the Jennymaesian children left us. It looks like pumpkin, beans and sweet corn. And sunflower.

Any sweet peas?

No its a bit too late to sow sweet peas. Maybe next year.

Well, I was going to add strawberries and cherry tomatoes to the hanging baskets on the sunny side of the Beehive.

Sure go on ahead.

why not add some petunias as well?

Mrs Hairy received a delivery of charcoal at the Sky City Hotel where she was staying. She was puzzled and asked Keisha what it was for.

Keisha said it was for bbq. It must have been sent to the wrong address because Mrs Hairy didnt have a bbq, but she said their flat had one and she could use it.

She decided to get her flatmates together for a bbq next weekend, invite the Chipmunks, and Lionel and Dr Warner too. The Chippettes were excited because they loved barbecues. They had saved some chestnuts they wanted to roast too and said it was a North American specialty.

Mrs Hairy wondered what she could bring. Keisha said bring banana split marshmallows and chocolate chip parcels everyone loves those.

Hows your girl group going Miss Greenlips Hine?
President Lanolin had heard that her Vice president had given up on the Clones and had now formed a band of her own, that could rival the Chippettes.

Great Ive got two other Queen Bees now. One says shes descended from Queen of Sheba and the other says she's a descendant of Wilma Mankiller.

Wilma Mankiller?

Thats what she said. Anyway Miss Bluebell and Miss Tailfeather want to stay in Lanolinland for a while.

Did they help plant the garden? Im noticing we've got the three sisters growing now. Pumpkins, Beans and Sweetcorn.

oh yes they say they love gardening in Lanolinland. They never got to do it where they came from.

We must organise a lunch for them Miss Greenlips Hine. Im surprised you havent put on a hangi to welcome your guests.

well our harvest isnt ready yet but...maybe we could all go out for yum cha? Im sure they dont have that where they are from. They just have mcDonalds and KFC.

Ok Im in. What about Kevin and Mrs Olive?

The more the merrier. Although I suspect Kevin would rather just have a buffet lunch at the RSA.

They laughed.