Finding a Christian spouse

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M

Makamore

Member
#1
Feb 17, 2023
44
62
18
Somewhere
#1
Does anyone else also feel like as a Christian, finding a spouse is a million times harder than those who are non-Christians? I've made peace with the fact that I can't just marry anyone and that God has to give me the go-ahead before I even entertain the idea of being with someone. The closer I get with God, the more things I add to my list of things that a man needs to have (e.g. a healthy prayer life, knowledge of/belief in the spiritual realm, filled with the Holy Spirit, a desire to worship God every day amongst other things) for me to even consider entering into a relationship and I feel like I might be putting myself in a box by having all these checkboxes. Can anyone relate? I definitely don't wanna settle or end up with the wrong person but I'm worried that I'm being too selective. But it just feels like most Christian men my age (27) that I encounter are lacking in these things/the passion for Jesus.
 
Lynx

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
#2
Aug 13, 2014
27,662
9,600
113
#2
Maybe just wait a couple decades until those guys settle down?

I have observed that (in general) the older people get, the less they have the energy for getting up to no good. That might be why people wait so long to become Christians. They just can't handle all the drama and junk anymore with doing life the other way.
 
Lynx

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
#3
Aug 13, 2014
27,662
9,600
113
#3
Many, many, many threads have been started on this topic. Therefore many, many, many forum members here have developed pat answers they can deliver any time this topic comes up again.

I predict you will receive a lot of prefab answers in this thread today.
 
Lynx

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
#4
Aug 13, 2014
27,662
9,600
113
#4
Also: Howdy Makamore, and welcome to the forum.
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#5
Mar 13, 2014
42,655
17,109
113
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Tennessee
#5
Makamore said:
Does anyone else also feel like as a Christian, finding a spouse is a million times harder than those who are non-Christians? I've made peace with the fact that I can't just marry anyone and that God has to give me the go-ahead before I even entertain the idea of being with someone. The closer I get with God, the more things I add to my list of things that a man needs to have (e.g. a healthy prayer life, knowledge of/belief in the spiritual realm, filled with the Holy Spirit, a desire to worship God every day amongst other things) for me to even consider entering into a relationship and I feel like I might be putting myself in a box by having all these checkboxes. Can anyone relate? I definitely don't wanna settle or end up with the wrong person but I'm worried that I'm being too selective. But it just feels like most Christian men my age (27) that I encounter are lacking in these things/the passion for Jesus.
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In my first marriage years ago, I chose the wrong person and paid dearly for it. Needless to say, the marriage was a disaster from the start and ended up in divorce 6 1/2 years later.

You are right in not willing to settle for the wrong person.

Regarding your list, I agree with all of your check boxes but be aware that no one is perfect. From my own experience and observation I would say that most young men lack spiritual insight and a desire to serve God.

However, at your age of 27 I would say that there should be a quantity of God-loving spiritual men who would place a high value in being a loving and faithful spouse if the right woman were to come along.

Glad to have you as part of our community. Welcome to CC.
 
Lanolin

Lanolin

Well-known member
#6
Dec 15, 2018
23,460
7,188
113
#6
It seems a bit weird that all the Bible teachers with a passion for Jesus I knew were women and the ones that were men were pastors or teachers were already married straight out of high school.

?! Anyway I dont think anyone is being picky but you kind of have to be if you want to be bound to someone the rest of your life until you or they die. (or kill each other, as case may be) We dont want that and God doesnt want that for you.

If you dont really care and just want to have children, any man will do it seems. They will leave and you'll be left bringing them up on your own. then your children will leave when they grow up unless you make them stay (i.e. make life so good for them that they will never want to leave you! )
 
Dino246

Dino246

Senior Member
#7
Jun 30, 2015
25,587
13,857
113
#7
One pat answer, coming right up...

42.

The answer is always 42.
 
G

Gojira

Guest
#8
#8
Makamore said:
Does anyone else also feel like as a Christian, finding a spouse is a million times harder than those who are non-Christians? I've made peace with the fact that I can't just marry anyone and that God has to give me the go-ahead before I even entertain the idea of being with someone. The closer I get with God, the more things I add to my list of things that a man needs to have (e.g. a healthy prayer life, knowledge of/belief in the spiritual realm, filled with the Holy Spirit, a desire to worship God every day amongst other things) for me to even consider entering into a relationship and I feel like I might be putting myself in a box by having all these checkboxes. Can anyone relate? I definitely don't wanna settle or end up with the wrong person but I'm worried that I'm being too selective. But it just feels like most Christian men my age (27) that I encounter are lacking in these things/the passion for Jesus.
Click to expand...
Well... I would say be flexible to this point: If you meet someone who is 65% of what you're looking for, you've done well. That perfect person does not exist.
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#9
Mar 13, 2014
42,655
17,109
113
69
Tennessee
#9
Lanolin said:
?! Anyway I dont think anyone is being picky but you kind of have to be if you want to be bound to someone the rest of your life until you or they die. (or kill each other, as case may be)
AMUSING

If you dont really care and just want to have children, any man will do it seems. They will leave and you'll be left bringing them up on your own. then your children will leave when they grow up unless you make them stay
(i.e. make life so good for them that they will never want to leave you! )
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It is called enabling. For years I have been such a person. That stuff is over now.
 
TabinRivCA

TabinRivCA

Well-known member
#11
Oct 23, 2018
13,219
10,752
113
#11
Here's my prefab answer: Get involved with volunteer work and keep busy. I know many matches were lit by men observing women dedicated to serving, and vice-versa. Also, I'd toss in Mk11;23-24, the whatsoever you desire verses that state when you pray---believe. God bless.
 
cinder

cinder

Senior Member
#12
Mar 26, 2014
4,436
2,423
113
#12
Makamore said:
Does anyone else also feel like as a Christian, finding a spouse is a million times harder than those who are non-Christians? I've made peace with the fact that I can't just marry anyone and that God has to give me the go-ahead before I even entertain the idea of being with someone. The closer I get with God, the more things I add to my list of things that a man needs to have (e.g. a healthy prayer life, knowledge of/belief in the spiritual realm, filled with the Holy Spirit, a desire to worship God every day amongst other things) for me to even consider entering into a relationship and I feel like I might be putting myself in a box by having all these checkboxes. Can anyone relate? I definitely don't wanna settle or end up with the wrong person but I'm worried that I'm being too selective. But it just feels like most Christian men my age (27) that I encounter are lacking in these things/the passion for Jesus.
Click to expand...

Let's see. Lessons learned in a lifetime of being a Christian single: Don't overspiritualize this romance stuff in either direction. You don't have to have a strong feeling about someone to go for one dinner with them; you also shouldn't take having a strong feeling as God speaking, sometimes it's just hormones speaking. Which means that your best strategy to discern God's voice is going to be to get some people you trust (parents, pastor, mentors, etc) to advise you on your potentials because they won't be blinded by hormones or emotions.

Is finding a spouse harder for Christians? Well I guess that depends on if by harder you mean harder to find dates or does it make life and marriage harder because you are christian. You may spend less time in relationships and shacking up with someone playing at marriage instead of getting married, but it's also a good bet you'll spend less time in bad relationships if you're smart enough to follow God's commands and that's a good thing.

There is such a thing as being too picky, and maybe the best way to set realistic expectations is find 3 christian women who you think landed godly husbands, then ask them to help you be realistic in your seeking by talking about what these godly men are like at home. And you may find that one spends all sunday afternoon watching football, another spends more time than his wife would like hunting and fishing, and yet another is a workaholic, volunteering almost as much time to stuff for church as he does working at his full time job. So no, there's no perfect man. If you find someone you can respect who seems morally and spiritually solid (which may look different based on your theology, but don't be too picky about theology) that's a good catch.

One last thought would be, while the smorgasboard of men on the internet may be tempting, there's no substitute for actually having someone in your day to day life to see how they interact with your friends and family over a longer period of time. Easier to lie on the internet and if it's long distance on the internet, one of you is going to have to give up your life to move to be with the other person and join their life (some have done so successfully, but it's something to think about before you get all your emotions in a tangle in a relationship).
 
MessengerofTruth

MessengerofTruth

Well-known member
#15
Dec 21, 2022
688
435
63
#15
Makamore said:
Does anyone else also feel like as a Christian, finding a spouse is a million times harder than those who are non-Christians? I've made peace with the fact that I can't just marry anyone and that God has to give me the go-ahead before I even entertain the idea of being with someone. The closer I get with God, the more things I add to my list of things that a man needs to have (e.g. a healthy prayer life, knowledge of/belief in the spiritual realm, filled with the Holy Spirit, a desire to worship God every day amongst other things) for me to even consider entering into a relationship and I feel like I might be putting myself in a box by having all these checkboxes. Can anyone relate? I definitely don't wanna settle or end up with the wrong person but I'm worried that I'm being too selective. But it just feels like most Christian men my age (27) that I encounter are lacking in these things/the passion for Jesus.
Click to expand...
DO NOT SETTLE!!! Trust the LORD to provide, no matter what His will is for you.

It can be heartbreaking, and then the ripple effect can be devastating, if you get ahead of GOD. I would not risk it, especially not in these days.
 
M

Makamore

Member
#18
Feb 17, 2023
44
62
18
Somewhere
#18
tourist said:
In my first marriage years ago, I chose the wrong person and paid dearly for it. Needless to say, the marriage was a disaster from the start and ended up in divorce 6 1/2 years later.

You are right in not willing to settle for the wrong person.

Regarding your list, I agree with all of your check boxes but be aware that no one is perfect. From my own experience and observation I would say that most young men lack spiritual insight and a desire to serve God.

However, at your age of 27 I would say that there should be a quantity of God-loving spiritual men who would place a high value in being a loving and faithful spouse if the right woman were to come along.

Glad to have you as part of our community. Welcome to CC.
Click to expand...
Thank you, I'm really happy to have found this community! Yes I definitely will not settle. I watched how divorce destroyed our family because I believe my mom and dad were completely mismatched. Both of them subsequently got remarried and divorced again. My dad got divorced twice even. So I am definitely not willing to settle and would rather wait than face heartbreak and devastation because of impatience. I'm sorry to hear that you went through all of that, I hope you have been able to heal.

Yes, I agree nobody's perfect and I know that God can take even the most anti-Christ person and make them a warrior in His kingdom but it seems that I'm always the "spiritual one" in the relationship. All the Christian men that have expressed interest lack prayer lives and that passion for God that I so desperately want them to have. Or they're cessationists who just ignore the devil and pretend that he doesn't exist. I'm hard pressed to find men my age who are actually serious about intercession, fasting, spending more than an hour with God every day.

Someone else said that I should just wait a couple of decades haha I think I will just have to.
 
M

Makamore

Member
#19
Feb 17, 2023
44
62
18
Somewhere
#19
MessengerofTruth said:
DO NOT SETTLE!!! Trust the LORD to provide, no matter what His will is for you.

It can be heartbreaking, and then the ripple effect can be devastating, if you get ahead of GOD. I would not risk it, especially not in these days.
Click to expand...
That's a good way to put it - "getting ahead of God." It's hard to wait and trust but you are absolutely right, especially in these perilous times. Thank you.
 
M

Makamore

Member
#20
Feb 17, 2023
44
62
18
Somewhere
#20
cinder said:
Let's see. Lessons learned in a lifetime of being a Christian single: Don't overspiritualize this romance stuff in either direction. You don't have to have a strong feeling about someone to go for one dinner with them; you also shouldn't take having a strong feeling as God speaking, sometimes it's just hormones speaking. Which means that your best strategy to discern God's voice is going to be to get some people you trust (parents, pastor, mentors, etc) to advise you on your potentials because they won't be blinded by hormones or emotions.

Is finding a spouse harder for Christians? Well I guess that depends on if by harder you mean harder to find dates or does it make life and marriage harder because you are christian. You may spend less time in relationships and shacking up with someone playing at marriage instead of getting married, but it's also a good bet you'll spend less time in bad relationships if you're smart enough to follow God's commands and that's a good thing.

There is such a thing as being too picky, and maybe the best way to set realistic expectations is find 3 christian women who you think landed godly husbands, then ask them to help you be realistic in your seeking by talking about what these godly men are like at home. And you may find that one spends all sunday afternoon watching football, another spends more time than his wife would like hunting and fishing, and yet another is a workaholic, volunteering almost as much time to stuff for church as he does working at his full time job. So no, there's no perfect man. If you find someone you can respect who seems morally and spiritually solid (which may look different based on your theology, but don't be too picky about theology) that's a good catch.

One last thought would be, while the smorgasboard of men on the internet may be tempting, there's no substitute for actually having someone in your day to day life to see how they interact with your friends and family over a longer period of time. Easier to lie on the internet and if it's long distance on the internet, one of you is going to have to give up your life to move to be with the other person and join their life (some have done so successfully, but it's something to think about before you get all your emotions in a tangle in a relationship).
Click to expand...
Thank you, that is very good, practical advice. I'm not opposed to meeting on the internet, but you're right, it's much easier to guage what type of person someone is in person. You gave a lot of good points about the reality of "Christian marriage," plenty for me to chew over. Much appreciated!
 
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