As a Christian, Have You Ever Told Remarried Couples (Such as Your Parent/Step-Parent) that They Need to Separate Forever?

@presidente's thread about whether or not to date or marry a divorced person reminded me of something I never see talked about when this subject comes up. I didn't want to derail his thread so it seemed better to start my own.

Years ago, I wrote a thread asking about what should happen to remarried couples who did not have a Biblical allowance to remarry.

* Should the couple be broken up?

* Should both parties then be required to live separately as singles forever?

* And what if they had any children together -- should the church refuse to see their marriage as legitimate and therefore have to declare any children they had as being illegitimate?

* How would the new living arrangements for the children be decided?

I understand that there is a lot of concern about people remarrying without having Biblical permission-- but no one talks about what should then happen to the ones who are already married, or when they now have new families of their own.

I can't find my old thread because it was so long ago, but I do remember someone posting a link about a pastor who taught on this subject -- and one remarried couple came to ask him what they should do, beause they wanted to stay together. He told them they would have to take it to God and see what He directed them to do. And if I remember right, we were all left hanging because the couple never came back to report what was decided.

The reason I'm asking this is because I'm curious as to how this has affected Christian families in our audience. I'm sure almost every one of us has witnessed remarriages that, from outside appearances, did not have a Biblical reason.

But what if it was in your own family, and closest to home, what if it was your own parents?

The interesting thing of course was that in the old thread, everyone agreed that we as Christians must adhere to God's principles of whether someone can remarry. But what no one, understandably, wanted to see, was how this Biblical application might apply to their own family. Everyone said the married couple should now stay together.

We can all sympathize with why no one would want to be seen as illegitimate in the church because it was their parents who made the decision to remarry or marry a divorced person -- the children produced from that marriage didn't do anything wrong. Surely we all understand why no one would want to see their parent and step-parent split up because the church concluded that their remarriage was not Biblically permitted.

The general consensus from that particular audience was that if someone was now married, they should stay married, whether it was a sin to do so in the first place or not.

I am wondering what the current crowd believes. And I'm posting this in Singles because we singles are the ones who are navigating our own path to possibly dating/marrying in a God-pleasing way, but everyone, whether married or single, is welcome to answer.

Along with the discussion questions asked above, I would also like to know, have you ever seen a married couple split up by the church because their marriage was declared unBiblical?

If so, what happened to the couple involved and their children?

And if/when you encounter the same thing today both in other families and in your own, how do you believe they should be handled?

Are you kidding? This question always comes up when the topic of divorced people remarrying is mentioned.

It's always brought up as a hypothetical. Nobody ever names any couples who would fit it.

Lol.

i have to tell you, coming to CC has been a whole new world of "Christian" education for me.

I guess it's because I grew up in a very conservative Lutheran church.

I never once heard this talked about, and I went to the Lutheran schools and everything in between (Sunday School, Vacation Bible School, etc.) from kindergarten through high school graduation.

But I'm pretty sure the reason I never heard about this was because anyone who was or got divorced was pretty much alienated or shunned, causing people to leave... Which I'm sure cut down on a lot of the "problem."


Now I'm more curious to hear about what the current crowd here on the forum has seen and experienced.

I am not going to say too much, but I will say this:

There have been multiple times, as in several, when I have spoken to "married" couples or those who were about to be "married" about this topic. In other words, I have civilly and politely explained to them that I did not believe that they had biblical license to be married, but, instead, that they were either already living in adultery or about to enter into an adulterous relationship.

Which is one of several reasons why I do not have too many friends (I have actually made 3 here).

Seeing as divorce is so common these days, I would guess that if the guidelines were followed to the letter, at least half the church population could not marry, and another chunk of the marriages in the churches would have to be broken up.

I'm not speaking in judgment.

I'm just talking musing out loud to myself.

It's times like this when I truly do wonder what God wants us to do (I personally think we all have to answer to God for our own decisions, so of course, it starts with everyone as an individual and their own relationship with God and what He is telling us we can or cannot do.)

I understand that there are times for outside correction, but I also think there are often things going on behind the scenes that an outside observer doesn't know, which is why I usually don't outwardly confront. (I'm not saying your method is wrong, Seeking -- again, I'm just brainstorming out loud.) I generally ask what the person believes God is leading them to do and what kind of leadership/mentorship they are getting to discuss their plans with.

For example, what if the real reason a woman divorced her husband was because he had an affair with a man, and he wants to be able to be with men, but out of respect for him, she is not telling anyone why they divorced because she doesn't want to shame him?

Although this was not my own situation, I know of many cases in which the details of what the couple went through is not made public but everyone they meet is judging them for it.

As a divorced person who has had her share of judgment from outsiders, it's quite challenging, because you're dealing with the internal shame of things you can't tell anyone except God and maybe your pastor, all while being shamed by people who only see things from the outside.

People always find a way to throw stones. 🙂

Some of the angriest judgments I've received were from singles who saw all divorced people as defiled and scarlet letters to avoid at all costs.

I've been told that divorced people like myself should be banned from hanging out in any kind of singles area because they felt it was deceiving.

I do appreciate the kind encouragement Lady Magenta, thank you.

You do have a knack for raising ... questions.

But...

This is an important one. I did once tell a relative that her adulterous relationship was wrong, but of course there was angry push-back. Oh well.

As for what you're describing, I cannot say I've seen that happening. However, there does seem to be some disagreement about the term "marital unfaithfulness". Some take that to be only physical infidelity. Some would extend that to physical abuse. Others, if I'm understanding them correctly, would use that term for any breaking of a marriage vow. I suppose in theory my staring at some girl's behind on Santa Monica beach one afternoon could have been grounds for legitimate divorce, since I mentally cheated on my wife.

So... I don't know how black & white this issue is. It's hard for me to judge. And, I do not believe I've ever heard of a marriage being dissolved because it was determined to have a sinful foundation.

Just to be clear, I never said a word about judging, shaming, or throwing stones at anybody.

When it comes to this topic, our approach should be the same as it is with any other topic. In other words, we should share what the Bible has to say on the matter with people, and then the rest is up to them.

In the instances that I was referring to, they were all people that are either related to me somehow, or people who actually asked me for my opinion on the matter.

The word in Matthew 19 is porneia, the same word used for fornicating with a prostitute. So I don't see how it could include hitting someone, calling them names, not making them feel cherished, not being 'faithful' to offer emotional support for a stressed spouse, forgetting to put a fresh cut rose on their pillow in the morning (for those who made such an idiotic wedding vow).

There are other ethical concerns, of course, when safety is concerned but I don't see how porneia could include those concepts.

I read the argument that 'sexual immorality' includes denying a spouse sex. While that may be the case, it's not porneia.

It is in the OT. I do not recall exactly where, but it's in the old law. It does say something about the importance of sexual activity within a marriage.

But... there are those who make those other arguments you questioned. I do not know what their rationales are, I only stated them. And, because some of these are Godly men, I included it in my response and used them as my reasons for not knowing for certain how to judge certain situations.

May I politely and sincerely ask you what the alternative is to following biblical guidelines to the letter?

We are given these biblical guidelines for a reason, and to ignore or to alter them, in my estimation, is deadly.

Eternally deadly.

Personally, I would rather risk offending somebody with the truth than to sit there silently while watching them head to hell. And not just in regard to this specific topic or sin, but in regard to any topic or sin.

Who do we fear?

God or men?

Who are we seeking to please?

God or men?

Galatians 1:10

"For do I now persuade men, or God? or do I seek to please men? for if I yet pleased men, I should not be the servant of Christ."

John the Baptist told Herod that it was not lawful for him to take his brother's wife, and it literally cost him his head.

Mark 6:16-29

"But when Herod heard thereof, he said, It is John, whom I beheaded: he is risen from the dead. For Herod himself had sent forth and laid hold upon John, and bound him in prison for Herodias' sake, his brother Philip's wife: for he had married her. For John had said unto Herod, It is not lawful for thee to have thy brother's wife. Therefore Herodias had a quarrel against him, and would have killed him; but she could not: For Herod feared John, knowing that he was a just man and an holy, and observed him; and when he heard him, he did many things, and heard him gladly. And when a convenient day was come, that Herod on his birthday made a supper to his lords, high captains, and chief estates of Galilee; And when the daughter of the said Herodias came in, and danced, and pleased Herod and them that sat with him, the king said unto the damsel, Ask of me whatsoever thou wilt, and I will give it thee. And he sware unto her, Whatsoever thou shalt ask of me, I will give it thee, unto the half of my kingdom. And she went forth, and said unto her mother, What shall I ask? And she said, The head of John the Baptist. And she came in straightway with haste unto the king, and asked, saying, I will that thou give me by and by in a charger the head of John the Baptist. And the king was exceeding sorry; yet for his oath's sake, and for their sakes which sat with him, he would not reject her. And immediately the king sent an executioner, and commanded his head to be brought: and he went and beheaded him in the prison, And brought his head in a charger, and gave it to the damsel: and the damsel gave it to her mother. And when his disciples heard of it, they came and took up his corpse, and laid it in a tomb."

Notice that John the Baptist did not tell Herod, 'Hey, Herod, just believe in Jesus, and then suddenly your unlawful marital situation will be okay"...which is precisely what most so-called "Christian ministers" would do today.

Lol.. That is exactly what would happen.

Which raises a very closely-related question:

Does water baptism, which outwardly signifies our old man or old nature being buried with Christ so that we might be raised up in newness of life, wash away, symbolically, sins which have never been repented of?

In other words, is a murderer forgiven of murder if he or she continues to murder?

Is an adulterer or adulteress forgiven if they continue in their adultery?

It seems to me that repenting and bringing forth fruits worthy of repentance is a forgotten or rejected principle in much of professing Christianity, yet it remains as part of the foundational principles of the doctrine of Christ (Hebrews 6:1) just the same.

Yeah....I've seen this sort of thing happen before...where beaten wives were sent back to abusive husbands...
Of course if the husband's didn't get a felony before hand they usually ended up killing the wives and went to prison that way...
I've seen all kinds of messed up marriages and the church trying to use bandaids to fix what is so horribly broken that it can never be made whole.
I've also seen perfectly fine blended families downbeat to the point they never returned to church believing God doesn't love them.

Of course then there's the scandals of wife stealing or husband stealing by people in churches as well. All the while the people involved in these scandals acting like they are innocent people and they did nothing wrong. (David may have married Bathsheeba but he never claimed innocence like these people do)

I knew a couple where he was a jerk and she was somewhat of a ditz but nice...it wasn't long before she "fell in love" with another married man and they started a new life together. The church was furious about all of this and demanded that she stop the affair. Never once did they ever confront her husband about his porn addiction (he never really hid) or his alcoholism (he didn't hide this either) .
She was made out to be the villian in the story when all she wanted was a little love and respect and to care for the kids....of course she left the church. She was told she was unwelcome.
I never met her AP...just his kids. And I know more of the story than the church did. But they never once asked me or her. Only by the drunken story told by him.

So....where divorce is actually rare in churches it does happen. There's actually a higher incidence in charismatic churches than evangelicals....but whatever eh? It's only like 2% or some silly thing like that.

Thank you for sharing this, John.

This is a good illustration as to why I personally left my childhood church -- because I was seeing too many things like this going on.

My family has always been very active in the church and people would often and still do confide things to us that were not disclosed to others, which is part of why I often see things differently than a lot of people.

I have to, because I've been given a different perspective.

In cases like this, all I can hope for is that someday God will set everyone, including me, straight.

There is so much that I could say on this topic, but I know that it will not be received favorably.

I will simply offer this piece of friendly advice to everyone here:

Beware of falling prey to situational ethics.

There's so much that I could say too, but I'm single so I'd probably be wrong.

I'm happily single though, so I'm going to default to the customary feline behavior of taking a nap on a tree limb until dinner. I'll let the people who have been there hash this one out.