This is the second time I have tried to post this. I think my computer is possessed, because all of everything I was writing just disappeared, even though it said it was saving.
OK, What I was saying, is yes I do relate to having a disability, and what is so hard about it, is that it is not visible, so not visible, must not exist. It came upon me when I was a 3[SUP]rd[/SUP] grader, and I was Be-bopping around in the cafeteria, just talking to everyone, laughing, confident, animated, and responsive, and then suddenly it was like a blanket washed over me, and I became afraid, and terrified. I don't know of what, but later, as I studied myself, the correct words would have been, “Like all the radio waves of the universe were coming in on me at one time.”
And yes, a disability does define you. Let no one tell you that it doesn't. It is your very breath, your soul, spirit, your heart, mind, and brain, skin, and organs, but that doesn't mean that it still can't be used for good. I once had a very good therapist, and she was all about “embracing things” So she taught me to embrace this illness and use it for good, like Van Go (can't spell), Michael Angelo, Einstein, Nostradomus, Churchill, and Lincoln (all known to be mentally ill in some way or another) and many others that because of their illness, came to be great and brilliant people, i.e. write, paint, be creative in any way that I can, so I do, but no one will ever know it, but I don't worry about that, would be nice, but better be satisfied with just who I am in the present..
Being an only child has nothing to do with being spoiled especially if you are the brunt of both parents dislike for each other, and unfortunately I am my father's daughter . He was a violent Archie Bunker, he never drank, or cursed, just plain mean, and hung over me every second of the day he was at home, and not working. Just watching me, to make anything an excuse to whip me with his belt. I couldn't wait to get out of high school and get away from them both, even though I didn't know how to take care of my mom. She was always a little thing of 110 pounds, and that made it easy for dad to throw her around a lot. So I grew up with more than anger. Without even knowing it, I was in basic training, and it made a soldier out of me, back from the war after 19 years.
Mom was a strong and severe Christian, and her family were like the Walton's. My dad's was just the opposite. And my uncle used to whisper out loud “stupid people, stupid people” like we couldn't hear him. All of my father's family were emotionally ill.
So when I did leave home to work for civil service, I was vigilant every second of the day, and did not sleep the whole 20 years I worked there. And still did not sleep after I went out on disability from there. Two years before I went out on disability, I had bought myself a townhouse, outright (now how does a mental person do that? I don't know, they just do.) while still going in and out of hospitals, and I have had my brain fried twice (shock treatments).
When I was a kid, women still were not driving cars, and under the dominance of their husbands. No safety nets, or any supports/programs for abused women. So even psychiatry then was considered voo-doo, and most of all, “What would people think?”
When I went out on disability from civil service, it cut my salary in half, so to keep my house, I rented out all of the rooms, and then later, I even had the dinning room made into a bedroom, renting to all kinds of people (I'm lucky to still be alive, by the Grace of God). I was getting older, in my late 50's, and decided that all of this was just to much for me, so I moved south. However, wherever you go, there you are! In other words, I couldn't escape from my so-called embraced illness (sarcastic).
Here my house burned, I got stressed, ended up in another psych ward, had brain fried again, catatonic, and therapist put me into a different better ward, and then met my second husband after over 20 years of being single, and things are better now, but I made a bad choice of a new house, as we are out in the wilderness with the coyotes. I used to go to a Sr. Ctr. When I lived in town, and it was wonderful. It's like kinder-garden for seniors, and I miss it terribly, as I am too far out for their buses to pick me up, so I have been stuck for the last 5 years. However, all is not lost. Our little town of Fairview is planning to build a very large Sr. Ctr. Right here. For me they can't do it fast enough! So praise God for this one!
Companionship helps a lot, to have someone who understands you, who is also disabled, so they get it. He is my caregiver, and don't know how I would survive without him.
Back to being my father's daughter, my father's mother was a Poe, and yes I did trace it from Virginia, up through Md. Through St. Mary's County all the way back up to Baltimore, so it was true when my dad used to say that I was very distantly, and I mean distantly, related to Edgar Allan Poe. So you see this illness runs through the DNA. Not to get off track here, but scientists are now finding that mostly white people (that's me) have this mutated MTHFR gene, and causes us nutsy-coo-coo, and that it can be fixed. The only way I know this is because of my brainy-ac husband, who researches everything. So I will get this tested, and if so, mutated, and all, it can be treated. Can you imagine, no man made drugs anymore? Only maybe supplements? I will keep posting on this MTHFR gene, as I go along...........,anyway,
Sorry for such a long reply, and only hope that this inspires someone, and blesses them with God's Grace, love, and charity “for without love, what would I be?”
Thank You
and God Bless
