Ever Done This?

[Matthew]

This may be a slightly difficult question to answer for some, but I'd really appreciate some insight from those who have done this, at any point in life.

Have you ever cultivated a relationship and then suddenly ended things?

I am interested in understanding why people resort to 'silent treatment' to people they claimed to care about only a short time before, in some cases a matter of days.

My own view has always been that it comes down to feeling shame and/or embarassment at having proceeded to a certain point without being sure and then realising it was too much and just not wanting to have to deal with taking it all back and dealing with the hurt.

Of course it only spares the pain on one side because the other person is completely smashed, and not much hurts like disregard from people you love.

If you have done this, why did you do it and do you regret it?
If you have not, tell me what you think.

 

[Bridget_Left_China]

I am anxious to read the answers to this thread because I had this happen to me in August of this year! A man was cultivating a relationship with me for 2 weeks, only to end it quite abruptly. We got along great, had a million things to talk about, and we had many things in common...so it wasn't a matter of compatibility. I would love to know what was going through his head as to why things had to end. I think it might have had something to do with proximity, but I might never really know.

 

[BananaPie]

Well, I've been on the receiving side of the dilema: the fellow befriend me for about a year when he began courting me for several years, and one day he just said, "I think I want to marry a Catholic girl." ...and it was over suddenly.

Turns out, I hear from the guy over a decade later, and to my surprise, he was still not married, "waitin' to marry a Catholic girl."

I've concluded that perhaps, just perhaps some folks are sooooo "committed" to staying married that the fear of divorcing takes over them and they never get to commiting to marrying. Bizzare? Yes, but then again, what is "normal" in this day and age?

 

[NMsmile]

I have been on the receiving end of this type of behavior and here are my theories:

1. Some people are very compartimentalized. They can't deal with more than one thing at a time. If too much is happening something gets cut out...
2. Shame and embarrassment...I agree with Matthew. Secrets and trying to hide things cause people to move into the silent treatment... it's really an avoidance technique.
3. Sin. There is no explanation for sin...except that it flees from light... thus the retreat / silent treatment.
4. Lack of communication skills, some people just can't communicate thus they "flee" or go silent.
5. Avoidance of truth. People would rather go silent than be truthful, in fear of looking bad or maybe hurting themselves or you ...
6. Passive aggression: silence is a very powerful communication tool... usually causing the receiver to second guess themselves and their actions.

The truth is that people who use the silent treatment usually know how "hurtful" it is because they were the victims of it themselves or they have developed it into an art form. In ancient times silence was used to teach children empathy and compassion by withholding it...

YIKES!

 

[seoulsearch]

I actually had this happen last week... a guy on a dating site sent me a very polite, detailed message regarding my profile. He even *gasp* asked me questions about my life... proving that *double gasp* he had actually read what I wrote. I was more than impressed. We exchanged several long, detailed messages and then... dead silence, as well as removing me from his "Favorites" list--absolutely no explanation.

I think the other posters here have some really good, and probably very true, hunches as to why this happens.

In his last message, this man mentioned that his wife had "mental demons", and I wrote back that I wanted to be honest and have dealt with depression all my life, but that God has done a LOT to get me to a better place. I also mentioned that I work in a grocery store (he had a very prestigious-sounding job.)

I'm guessing that the reason he didn't write back is because he saw me as a mentally deranged, emotionally unbalanced pyscho woman who was one step away from the poorhouse... (I do try to maintain my sense of humor. And, I try to view certain rejections as God's protection... Maybe this guy was comparing me to his ex-wife in the back of his mind, which would have not worked out.)

I think the motto of dating these days, especially on the internet, is basically, "I'm interested in you for the next 3 messages or so... And if, within that time, I find that you aren't interesting enough, I'm sure I can do better and will move on--silently, of course. After all, that's what the anonyminity of the internet is for!"

 

[Matthew]

After all, that's what the anonyminity of the internet is for!"

Like everyone who tries online dating I pushed away my cynicism but I think this is the evil of it, it's play time for a lot of people, and such people care nothing for the pain they cause telling themselves 'it's just a bit of fun' or something of the like.

 

[Matthew]

I've concluded that perhaps, just perhaps some folks are sooooo "committed" to staying married that the fear of divorcing takes over them and they never get to commiting to marrying. Bizzare? Yes, but then again, what is "normal" in this day and age?

Yes I agree, fear is a big cause of this kind of thing, people set an impossible standard so you can only get so far, they know they will cause heartbreak but in order to function they go to the edge again and again to maintain the pretense that they are trying to get what they want.

They know deep down they will never let it happen, and while they have their defense mechanism in place the people they walk to the edge end up suffering for it.

 

[niceguyJ]

Hm. If you're talking online specifically, let me throw this out there:
What if an e-mail or whatever kind of message gets lost and then one just assumes the other doesn't want to talk anymore for some reason. Then neither checks in on the other. They both just assume it faded away for some reason...
That, my friends, is one of the things that makes the internet so...fun...

 

[Jullianna]

I think what happens at times is that you think someone is interested, but misunderstandings happen easily online. There are times when I find myself left wondering if a guy is really interested or if he's just being friendly. It's hard to tell. When it gets to that point, I will normally back off and leave it up to him to clarify his intentions. If I do otherwise, I feeling as if I'm chasing him, and that's an extreme no no in my book.

 

[Maddog]

Look at this way. If you're going to be dumped, it's better that it happens sooner rather than later, before you become even more attached than you already are. If they know that they're not going to marry you then it would be an even greater disservice to string you along. Of course, it would be courteous if they'd let you know of their decision instead of just ignoring you, but would it really make much difference on how it makes you feel? Getting dumped is getting dumped and it's generally unpleasant no matter how tactfully it's done.

Which brings me onto my second point: seeking a mate and courting takes emotional effort, and it is entirely possible that you won't see any returns. In other words, only get involved if you are prepared for the (quite likely, though I don't know the exact odds) possibility that it's not going to work.

 

[Theygaveutheirworst]

I`ve fallen victim to the same. Thing is, I wouldn`t even wish it on the worst of my enemies. Have I ever done it myself? No. Have I ever wanted to do it? YES. After my relationship ended via total silence, followed by wondering why I wasn`t no longer worth knowing to her, I became bitter. Ever felt like hurting somone the same way you`ve been hurt? I kinda had that feeling after I was dumped so silently, by a girl who said she loved me. So I almost went the route of dating someone so I could cause them the same pain that I felt! But God gave me a "oh snap" moment that made me think otherwise. It could`ve been a vicious chain that could`ve spread into who knows how many lives if I had chosen that direction. I could`ve made the next girl I dated and broke up with bitter, which could make her turn around and want to hurt someone the way I hurt her. In the end, I had to just let the bitterness go... with some prayer & help from God.

 

[Oncefallen]

I can honestly say that I have cultivated a relationship and it ended with my HAVING to ignore the person. After several months it became quite apparent that due to severe emotional maturity issues the other person had, the relationship would not work in the long run. After I ended the relationship, the person would consistently start conversations with me and end up digging for compliments which I knew, if given, would give them a false hope of the relationship being rekindled. Soooo, I pretty much have to ignore the person.

 

[Matthew]

but would it really make much difference on how it makes you feel? Getting dumped is getting dumped and it's generally unpleasant no matter how tactfully it's done.

It may vary person to person but for me it would make a difference.

I go into every situation prepared for heartache because it is the cost of trying to get into a happy relationship, I make no issue with the risks involved.

However the manner of ending a relationship can have a big affect on my attitude going forward, if someone ignores me and contradicts their previous statements then it helps build up my own cyniscism, and that makes it more diffiult to 'get back on the horse'.
Whereas a kind, yet never the less painful conversation, letter or even a text message, saying that they've gone too far too fast or met someone else who has put their feelings in new perspective etc.....whatever, is much more helpful to me than just being cut loose.

The fact that they've shown the courage and respect for me to give me that information and a clear 'goodbye' allows me to move on feeling that I tried and it didn't work out, I'm not left with all the unanswered questions, and the concern that I was attracted to someone who was nothing close to the quality of person I thought they were, that makes me think about my own judgement of other peoples character, and therefore concerned it will all happen again.

 

[Matthew]

I can honestly say that I have cultivated a relationship and it ended with my HAVING to ignore the person. After several months it became quite apparent that due to severe emotional maturity issues the other person had, the relationship would not work in the long run. After I ended the relationship, the person would consistently start conversations with me and end up digging for compliments which I knew, if given, would give them a false hope of the relationship being rekindled. Soooo, I pretty much have to ignore the person.

I know this happens, I once had a slightly similar sitaution where there was nothing I could do short of completely ignoring a person to make it clear that their advances were not welcome, there are times when it is a genuine kindness to a person who would otherwise only be hurt.

But I think it is different when we have to do it as a last resort than when it is the thing we choose to do before we make any mature attempt at ending things directly.

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

This may be a slightly difficult question to answer for some, but I'd really appreciate some insight from those who have done this, at any point in life.

Have you ever cultivated a relationship and then suddenly ended things?

I am interested in understanding why people resort to 'silent treatment' to people they claimed to care about only a short time before, in some cases a matter of days.

My own view has always been that it comes down to feeling shame and/or embarassment at having proceeded to a certain point without being sure and then realising it was too much and just not wanting to have to deal with taking it all back and dealing with the hurt.

Of course it only spares the pain on one side because the other person is completely smashed, and not much hurts like disregard from people you love.

If you have done this, why did you do it and do you regret it?
If you have not, tell me what you think.

I'll confess, I've done that more times than I can count, and I don't say that proudly. So I'm just gonna be really honest with you,
My reasons usually are one of these.

- I'm tired of the person
- I feel like he is going to reject me, so I do it first before he can.
- I really like the guy
- He's to emotional or overly sensitive.
- I found someone else I like better.
- I feel like he's getting way to serious
-If I find out he's lied to me more than twice.
-If I find out something i don't like.
- I don't really like him

I've had 13 years of practice with this, normal people don't do things like that, I mean I should know. Normal healthy people communicate.

Chances are your not the only person she's done that to, if she says you are, She's lying. I warn you against getting back with this chick. Cause if the reasons haven't changed for why she originally started ignoring you, she'll do it again.

 

[Matthew]

Chances are your not the only person she's done that to, if she says you are, She's lying. I warn you against getting back with this chick. Cause if the reasons haven't changed for why she originally started ignoring you, she'll do it again.

My question doesn't apply to a current situation, but it's happened in the past and should it happen again my going back for a second try would never happen, I may be stupid, but I ain't that stupid!

 

[Matthew]

I'll confess, I've done that more times than I can count, and I don't say that proudly. So I'm just gonna be really honest with you

I appreciate your honesty

As you've gotten older have you tried to deal with any of these situations differently?

I've always thought that while it is easier for the person doing it than perhaps having unpleasent conversations does that person ever feel guilty?

I ask because I wonder if this is one of those circumstances where people have to disconnect from their emotions and almost go numb in order do it without guilt, or if some people are just more capable of this behaviour, so is it a character trait more than a conscious choice we all could make.

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

I appreciate your honesty

As you've gotten older have you tried to deal with any of these situations differently?

I've always thought that while it is easier for the person doing it than perhaps having unpleasent conversations does that person ever feel guilty?

I ask because I wonder if this is one of those circumstances where people have to disconnect from their emotions and almost go numb in order do it without guilt, or if some people are just more capable of this behaviour, so is it a character trait more than a conscious choice we all could make.

Yes, most assuredly I've tried to deal with these situations differently.

I didn't use to feel guilty, I really didnt even care. A lot of that is just turning off your emotions like you said

 

[Maddog]

However the manner of ending a relationship can have a big affect on my attitude going forward, if someone ignores me and contradicts their previous statements then it helps build up my own cyniscism, and that makes it more diffiult to 'get back on the horse'.
Whereas a kind, yet never the less painful conversation, letter or even a text message, saying that they've gone too far too fast or met someone else who has put their feelings in new perspective etc.....whatever, is much more helpful to me than just being cut loose.

The fact that they've shown the courage and respect for me to give me that information and a clear 'goodbye' allows me to move on feeling that I tried and it didn't work out, I'm not left with all the unanswered questions, and the concern that I was attracted to someone who was nothing close to the quality of person I thought they were, that makes me think about my own judgement of other peoples character, and therefore concerned it will all happen again.

Aye, I can understand that.

By the way, congratulations on being able to keep your chin up despite the inevitable set backs and bad eggs. You're doing much better than me; I was far too cynical before I even considered getting involved in romance, and now I'm so far gone I doubt I'll ever warm to the idea of a relationship with a woman.

 

[nanabean]

I honestly do not think I have ever done this. Certainly not intentionally. I know sometimes life takes us in different directions, and friendships seem to get "lost" in the shuffle of new experiences, and schedules, etc. Maybe I am not the right one to answer this either, since as I read the posts, I guess this is more about dating, than friendships in general, but I just don't see a correctness in ending any relationship with silence and emptiness as to why. It leaves too many questions for the other person, and since I am one to mull things over too much for my own good, I just don't see myself ever purposely doing such a thing to anyone else.