How Do You Handle Emotional Manipulation?

[Willie-T]

I figure you have to be just about as sick as the person doing it, if you go along with it.

 

[seoulsearch]

I figure you have to be just about as sick as the person doing it, if you go along with it.

I guess they don't call it co-dependency for nothing.

 

[tourist]

I believe that his family and friends excusing this guy's behavior has enabled him to avoid all responsibility for his actions. The guy has apparently tried to lay a major guilt trip on you. I know these type of people also. They will suck the life out of you if you allow them to do so. I speak from experience.

My adult stepson from my late wife was the same way. He used his sick mother to get to me and that went on for years. I wasted countless hours of my precious time, and thousands of dollars taking care of his needs because he was unwilling / unable to work for any number of reasons or even to do some basic chores around the house to earn his keep. He constantly disrespected me, trashed my home and almost caused me to have a nervous breakdown.

The charade ended the day that my wife died. I told him that I loved him but that he is now on his own. I left him in Maine and went home to Florida on my own. I longed for years to be free from him as he was an anchor dragging me down. The day finally came. It was a long time coming.

 

[Fenner]

I used to be told I was to nice, I was. I'm kind and will help when I can, but when I feel someone is over stepping bounds, I say no. I was friends with someone at my church who was giving my daughter music lessons. It didn't work out because of that kind of emotional manipulation. She has a crazy schedule, I understand, but I paid her up front and didn't get all of the lessons before she would ask for another payment, I started keeping track and realized how dumb I was for giving her money when she'd say, I'm going to be short on rent, do you think you could pay now, with a discount? I did discuss it with her and I get, well you know I'm busy. But We'll get the lessons in. I said no thanks, oh I'll pay you back , I don't want it to affect our friendship. I said, no, don't pay me back, I know you don't have it. Honestly dealing with her gave me stomach aches from stress. I actually did think we were friends and I realized the only time my daughter got her lesson was when she needed something.

She works for our church and offers lessons to make money. I found out she's been trying to get people to feel sorry for her so they'd give her money. An elderly friend of mine who passed away last year would give her money almost after every choir practice because she'd boo hoo about not having money for gas or food. After I found that out I went to the head of church session and explained what happened with my Daughters music lessons and my friend and from what I understand some other church members. She's still working for our church, still offering her music lessons. I'm not happy about it, I think she's a scam artist.

 

[zeroturbulence]

This is such a good point, Zero.

I know that as time has gone by, as much as I'd love to find the right person just like everyone else, I've found that my heart is being tugged more towards trying to help others avoid some of the major pitfalls I dove straight into myself.

It's especially heartbreaking to read some of the teen and young adult forums when some of these younger Christians think they're head-over-heels in love with THE ONE--and the rest of us can see not just red flags, but that the entire building is on fire and on the verge of collapsing.

I read a quote once by the pop star Rihanna that I really liked (paraphrase): "A child only knows an oven is hot when she touches it and gets burned. That's how I've learned a lot of things in my life."

Unfortunately, I've been exactly the same way in my relationships. No one could tell me any differently--I had to find out for myself. My thought is always that maybe, if we can spare just one other person from the bad choices we've made or situations we've been through, it's more than worth it to share. Even better, maybe we can even help those who share move a step closer to healing in the process.

And for the ones like me who wouldn't listen anyway, at least we can let them know that someone cares, and that we won't give up on praying for them.

Oh I didn't realize that you were in a relationship with this person. There's the old saying, "Love is blind". There's a lot of truth in that.. Even I have fallen for that myself...

 

[Harkins]

Without going into specifics, it's happened to me a few times - with women on the make asking innocent enough questions and then when I reveal something it's like they immediately see an emotional button to push for their purposes. It's a major turn off.

 

[LookingtoZion]

Emotional Manipulation: A whole library could be written on this topic. My Mom's Dad committed suicide when she was 9. She was a mess when I was growing up. Of course, as a child, I couldn't discern that. They say kids think their home life is normal. I am so thankful that despite her problems, we always went to church. I was saved at age 12, but didn't really start to cultivate my relationship with Jesus until later, after I was married. Being a Christian did not protect me from getting involved with other manipulators, as a matter of fact I was probably drawn to them because it was familiar. But as I grew in my faith and trusted in Jesus, (and I also read Boundaries - excellent book), I learned to recognize them. I still have manipulators in my life, and because of their close relationship to me, I will continue to have them until one of us dies. But I was reading this morning about how God uses even these situations to draw us closer to Him. Having imperfect relationships here on earth makes us look forward to heaven. We will spend all of eternity with Him, no more crying, pain, lying, manipulating, etc. Keeping my mind focused on Him and on Scripture helps tremendously.

 

[chickwithsticks]

Never go up against a narcissist when emotional death is on the line. Run, run, and then one should really run fast. They ENJOY their "work"

So succinct but SPOT DEAD ON

 

[Addison]

I'll just leave this here.

 

[Yahweh_is_gracious]

Yahweh, I always dig your posts because you consistently give such raw and totally honest answers, and I completely you for respect that.

I've noticed that my being very raw and honest is seen by many people as being phony, most likely because I am willing to admit things about myself that very few other people would even contemplate voicing in front of other people. That's me though - figure out what everyone else does, then do something completely different as my metaphorical "middle finger" at the rest of society.

Being brutally honest had to start with myself, and while I won't get into how I managed to look into the dark void that is my own personality, it is sufficient to say that I was afforded the opportunity a few times to see myself from a completely objective point of view and see the way I thought about things and how I formed my value systems about other people, about activities, about pretty much everything in the world that is not contained within my skin.

Once confronted with myself, I had to make the decision to either change, or to accept. I chose, 99.9% of the time, to accept myself as I am and the things I have done, and to speak about them without shame. I figured "changing" would turn me into someone who is like "everyone else", and that's never been acceptable to me. I'm not anybody else. I'm me. Perhaps my life is meant to serve as a warning to others. Don't do as Jon hath done.

 

[Conversationand]

I consider myself good at spotting red flags and I never ignore them. In fact, I am one of those hyper-sensitive people that have spidey-like intuition. If I was catching someone in several lies like you mentioned, it'd be sayonara sucker! Ain't nobody got time for that!

I too grew up with a mother that is emotionally invasive, second guessing motives, and makes lots of assumptions.

 

[Conversationand]

Actually I'd like to recuse myself from the record. By that last post I myself was being emotionally invasive (only in the slightest way), second guessing motives, and making assumptions. Also, my Mom is a wonderful person whom I love and respect, did I mention that?

 

[Lighthearted]

EASY PEASY...self preservation says...TOUGH LOVE!

 

[Tinkerbell725]

You can try to:

1. Have fun with them by beating them at their own game. Put on some narcissitic behavior to confuse them. But be sure that you are already healed in your co dependency or be sure he is not a malignant type who can harm you physically. This is for low level narcissists only.

2. Grey rock method. Be as bland as you can be. I know a someone whom I suspect as a narcissist. He hates his father because of being bland. I don't think his father is bland at all. Maybe he just found a way to cope with his narcissistic son. Narcissists hate bland people because they could not get any reaction.

3. No contact is the best way to deal with them but where is the fun in that? Narcissists will never learn because they did not have their empathy chip installed so you can not teach them a lesson but it is not right that only them can have all the fun. When no contact is not an option, you have no choice but to protect yourself from narcissistic havoc.