You know Md, (if you're still reading this )
I remember my early days of coming to know Jesus or at least wondered if He was true... And what was so good about a God who would let a child (me) suffer through beatings, broken arms , hair getting ripped out, locked out in storms for hours, among other things repeatedly for 2 years... I was yanked from my family in an instant and put into This just as quickly... This happened from the tine i was three until I was five, while in foster care.. thought I was a mistake, and how could a good god Allow such a thing to happen if he was indeed good? .. My mind was depraved from "not" knowing Him... To me He was a cruel God .. seeking justice after my life and ready to put me in Hell... Maybe even kill me? (old testament thinking perhaps?) I Tried to read the bible as you are now... And found very similar things ,. His word tells us ( John 15:5 "I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.)
I came into the world not knowing Him.. Right smack in the middle of the worlds sin...I was angry and bitter and scared of everything , even God... I remember as a little girl thinking I wad a huge mistake and god didn't mean to make me ....and even remember asking him.." if I'm not a mistake please god please show me ..... at the age of five I was adopted out ( not realizing I was already adopted by God at the time). so I can see where you question his goodness and being a good god ...
I also know He sees you coming closer to Him in your attempt to figure him out ... when I opened the bible I read things as you are... Disgusted I out it down .... I kept thinking why does everyone say this god is so good?? I couldnt see it ... Well as time went on and years past, I began asking and wondering more... Went to church every Sunday, married for fifteen years , had two children ... great job.... Then BAM! "MY LIFE??" fell completely apart ... I mean completely broke down ....I did everything I knew to do right, and to the best of my ability... I mean the very best... (ashes of the red hefer ? Maybe?). people were telling me " oh! God loves you!"
REALLY???? this is love? THIS? If so I want no part of it ... This is cruel ... I laugh looking back on it now Md ... I even crack jokes about it all even the part as a little girl in foster care ... Imagine that !!!! it's true
. you see, I had to
Loose everything I was doing so God could show me some things ... it took my brokenesss complete brokeness to cry and come face to face with God... I was angry too... I asked all sorts of questions ... I thought I'm as good as dead anyway... Go ahead and kill me, it would be better .... I sat in my kitchen floor doing this for hours ... Alone... It was the place I came to the end of myself ... I sat there on the floor and just asked him to please do it (kill me). I deserved it anyway and began pouring out every last thing I could think of ... I remember thinking " I'm serious!!!!". LOL!!! If I wasn't suppose to exist or my life then right here right now do it ... in anger and raw emotion , I told God ... " I'm sorry I dot know you, I want to, but don't know how , and with so many people telling me all sorts of things about you, I dont know who's right !!!!". I'm a southern Oklahoma girl ... blonde hair, green eyes, raised with yes ma'am and no sirs... Politeness matters,you work hard , and you help your neighbors ...yell at God??? just didn't do that sort of thing here ...Well..? Md? Im here to tell ya brother ... My hair turned red I think, and eyes became blue that day ... I broke every kind of rule I had ever heard about approaching God .... well.... after my southern temper tantrum .... I sat in the floor and gave up .. Sir, I'm tellin ya !! I was a hot a mess , flood in the floor from tears and just sat there... hands on chin, curls of hair in my mouth .... A hot mess I was!! I'm talkjn snot!! then something happened...... something urged me to look under a counter ..(. As it was the last day in my house... I was moving out ... Couldn't afford it anymore...). all I had to do was walk out the door.... but I looked before getting up .... there was something black Way back in the corner .... I knew I hadn't put it there.......it was. Bible .... I thought. " OH LORD". ..this is it !!!.. You're takin me out !! .. You've even put a bible in my hands as last rights.... Ok, allright !!! Let's do it ... I laid on the floor and waited ... Even put the bible on my chest... I was ready!! nothing happened ... put it on my head.. I thought "this is going to be
Really bad isn't it?". Okay... Ready!!!..... nothing!
I sat up ... and said God? if you can her
Me at all ... Please show
Me who you are!!! I want to understand... Who are you??? I opened tue book I hadn't opened since I was a young child .... Psalms 91.... God revealed Himself quite differently that day... I saw him in a new light .. I understood what I was reading ... I cried all over again LOL!!
So Md? You're okay buddy ... god has you right where he wants you ... and when your heart is really ready , he will show Himself to you .... I wad confused about who God was because I didn't know him .... and I have a great expectation when you're ready to cone to know him... You're going to be very surprised too... I dont have any answers... Md. But ya know ? God does...our God is HUGE!!!! we sit on this earth like a speck of an atom , we are in his cell , in a pour of his cheek... . He carries us with him everywhere he goes.. our God is very very real MD ... Take it from someone who saw him exactly like you did .... Not anymore
. You're allright Md.... Peace brother .....
Michelle ..