Right now, I feel like I'm in hell on earth.

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Mar 12, 2021
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#21
I actually [do] care. I've spent a combined 16 years of my life wishing that I weren't alive, so I have at least an understanding of how you might feel . . . and why. To this day, I have literally lost every person in my former life, including both of my bio families. Everyone is gone. But . . . do you think that this circumstance that is half a decade old has caused me to doubt myself? No. I question myself, but I do not doubt. I believe in myself as a good person, regardless of what all of these ultra-important people that, and still, think of me. I don't believe it. I used to, but I don't believe it anymore.

What your husband has done has very little to do with you. His lack of self-control is completely and 100$ independent of anything that you have ever done, even if you were guilty of something that he alleged. What he does not describe you, but his actions describe him and what is in his heart.

I decide what I am worth on this planet far more than anyone else. My voice matters, that what I believe about myself is far more important than what anyone else thinks. You are allowed to makes mistakes . . . everyone does. So what! So people like you and me will learn to stand tall . . . always . . . even when we make mistakes. Look, if people can't handle it when we make mistakes, then this level of expectant perfectionism is so far out of line. Believe in yourself . . . even in you have made a mistake.

I believe in you 100%.
I am on the verge of tears hearing how you wished you weren't alive. My heart aches for your suffering. Since I was a little girl, I have wished and wanted to help people feel better and take away their pain...cheer them up. It pains me to know that you suffered so much and for so long.

Are you feeling better now, my friend in Christ? Shall I pray for you and if so, please tell me what specifically you would like me to pray for -for you.
"Thank you" seems so weak and ineffectual to say because whenever a total stranger, although a bother or sister in Christ, takes minutes, hours, time out of their life to type to me on this site seeking to comfort me, my heart feels such gratitude- "thank you" just doesn't seems like enough.

God bless you. I feel the love of my Lord and savior through all of you and it comforts me more than you know. Wait, you likely DO know.
 

inukubo

Active member
Jun 27, 2019
169
166
43
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#22
I've been there. When God brings you to that point, there is no choice but to walk away. You can try to save your marriage or try to save your life and your life is so much more precious. God has so much better in mind for you. Praying that you will find the strength and support you will need.
 

Bingo

Well-known member
Feb 9, 2019
8,282
4,383
113
#23
"Something is amiss here, and only you know the whole story, as there is usually
two sides to a dysfunctional relationship. Beating up ones own self is not constructive.
I learned long time ago, for my own mental wellness and peace, I had to make a change.
We are not meant to punish ourselves, and tough choices have to be made.
I believe one can come to terms with our Lord, when undue anguish is upon us.
I hope and pray you find what is needed in your life for a reprieve."


tenor9IYMK91O.gif :)
 
Mar 12, 2021
76
68
18
#24
"Something is amiss here, and only you know the whole story, as there is usually
two sides to a dysfunctional relationship. Beating up ones own self is not constructive.
I learned long time ago, for my own mental wellness and peace, I had to make a change.
We are not meant to punish ourselves, and tough choices have to be made.
I believe one can come to terms with our Lord, when undue anguish is upon us.
I hope and pray you find what is needed in your life for a reprieve."


View attachment 227388 :)
How can you say that we are not meant to be punished? God punishes/corrects His saints. My husband, I believe, is dead spiritually. I feel it and so does he. He is not putting God first, therefore our marriage suffers terribly. If one is truly saved, their fruit is evidence of it. You should also know that I speak my mind as he has encouraged me to tell him when something is wrong when we met. I used to keep things in and internalize. But, I have come to find out that although he said he wanted me to be open about my feelings, he ran from the problems and resented my honesty and openness.
Yes, there are 2 sides to this relationship and you are only hearing my side. But, I'm not sure what you imply when you say "something is amiss". But, my husband does not physically abuse me, only emotionally. I have told him that he would just put the Lord Jesus Christ first in his life, our life together would be a blessing to both of us...he admits that he can not do that but says he is trying.

Divorce is not an option for me. God hates divorce. If my husband were to cheat on me, that would be a different story.
 

2ndTimothyGroup

Well-known member
Feb 20, 2021
5,206
1,830
113
#26
I am on the verge of tears hearing how you wished you weren't alive. My heart aches for your suffering. Since I was a little girl, I have wished and wanted to help people feel better and take away their pain...cheer them up. It pains me to know that you suffered so much and for so long.

Are you feeling better now, my friend in Christ? Shall I pray for you and if so, please tell me what specifically you would like me to pray for -for you.
"Thank you" seems so weak and ineffectual to say because whenever a total stranger, although a bother or sister in Christ, takes minutes, hours, time out of their life to type to me on this site seeking to comfort me, my heart feels such gratitude- "thank you" just doesn't seems like enough.

God bless you. I feel the love of my Lord and savior through all of you and it comforts me more than you know. Wait, you likely DO know.
My friend, I am both wonderful and hurt at the same time. Let me explain . . .

Once when I was in ER for a really bizarre, earthly panic attack, the nurses kept asking me how I was doing. I responded with: "My Spirit is perfect, my body is good, but my heart is broken." I said all of those things each time they asked of me, with tears streaming down my face.

A type of Trinity that we are . . . we are body, spirit, and Heart/soul. This is why when someone asks you how you are doing, you may answer from any of the three persons that you are. One day you might be physically hurting and will respond to the question from the physical perspective, while another day, and with a broken heart, you will answer the question from that perspective. As I began to ponder my pain and misery, I began to see these separations of person, and that the Bible deals with each of them.

One of the biggest, most important passages in the Bible that helped me to understand my suffering . . . is this:

1 Corinthians 6:13 NKJV - "Foods for the stomach and the stomach for foods, but God will destroy both it and them. Now the body [is] not for sexual immorality but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body."

Yes, the passage references food and (specifically) sexual immorality, but the point of the passage is clear . . . this body is not our own, nor has it ever Truly been. Therefore, does it even need to be satisfied by a man or woman? No, it doesn't. In fact, no one has ever died from not having intercourse . . . not even close. AnnaMarie, this passage is the one that did it for me. I read this and it hit me like a sledgehammer to the facial! It made so much sense!

As a Christian man or woman, we are to Serve the Lord. That's it! Now, part of the Eternal Plan is that Christ would suffer, but more than this, the Eternal Plan shows that the Lord's Children must also suffer as did their Lord and Savior. The question is . . . will we Endure? AnnaMarie? Will you endure this process that you're in? Is it possible that you might be able to look beyond your own body, a body that you know is filled with sexual goodness for a man, and realize this . . . "Oh my goodness. My desires should not be about sex, but about Service to my Almighty, Powerful God."

I know this: My God did not create me so that I could enjoy the plethora of women that I did, in fact, enjoy through my former, Pre-Transformed life. I now see things so clearly . . . that having the absolute best of women that a man could have . . . I see that it was all so utterly fruitless. Intimacy is fun and if done right . . . the single most beautiful thing that a man and woman can share together . . . but as said, no one dies from this! :D

Since I left my last girlfriend, I haven't even so much as been on a date, nor am I seeking one. I will not be intimate with another woman . . . ever . . . again. I have been on this path for years; hence, I know that I am Truly committed (by the Power of God only). Though we never were married, she was and will remain my final Spiritual wife, and though she continues to accept many seeds from many men, I will remain True . . . and not just to her, but also to God. Is this not also what it means to pick up our cross and to carry it? Doesn't carrying our own cross also mean that we have chosen to give up our free right to sin . . . to seek sexual aid from others?

As for me . . . I am liberated! But get this . . . my life is so much worse than it was before. "What do you mean?" You might ask. AnnaMarie . . . I know for a fact that you will agree with what I am about to suggest, and it's this: Pain and suffering is the greatest teacher! Trust me, you're probably not going to be hurting and suffering forever, so that means that once you are on the other side of this lousy, Evil pain, the Lord will have given you so much wisdom and understanding. Do you know what this means? It means that through pain and suffering (in the shadow of Christ), your wish of helping others (since that of a little girl) will be met that much more!

AnnaMarie . . . if you are able, do not look upon your circumstances as painful, but as a gift. I know that it hurts wildly, but you are being refined by fire! I do not believe that you are being disciplined, necessarily (or you could be - I am not a prophet), but I do know that with the right perspective, you can view each ugly event of your life as a beautiful gift. Think of Joseph and all that he went through before he became equal to Pharaoh. It's ok! Like Joseph, our sufferings confirm who we are! Your suffering confirms who you are . . . as does your strong desire to help others. These are all the signs of being a True Daughter, a True Child of God!

I know that it is very difficult to have this perspective while in the midst of such struggles, but you must practice in thinking these ways. You must practice. You must practice. You must practice. If you do not practice at Transforming your mind, it will simply never happen. Therefore, it is time to stand up; tell yourself that these problems are not really yours, but your husbands. You're going to get up and tell yourself, "I am so done with feeling like crap over this. Why? Why choose to feel this way when I don't have to? Why carry this man's guilt and shame, only to transfer it onto my shoulders as self-hatred? No more! I am not a piece of crap!"

And you are NOT a piece of crap. You are a Holy, Beloved, Amazing, Powerful Child of God, and He is bringing you out of Egypt so that you can hold your head high!

Leviticus 26:13 NLT - "I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt so you would no longer be their slaves. I broke the yoke of slavery from your neck so you can walk with your heads held high."

You are in bondage right now, but as you can see, God is telling you that you are to hold your head high! You are to believe in yourself and anything less is unacceptable for His beautiful Daughter whom He hath created! And He created you . . . and as we just mentioned, He did not make you to be a piece of crap. So Endure!

I have been in battle with Adult Protective Services for two years. This has been the most unbelievable, painful thing I have ever imagined. I have faced being put onto a Registered Offenders List for the lies that have been perpetuated against me. Even the state does not support me . . . no one has, not even a single "christian." I have failed miserably to keep a positive perspective at all times . . . I have been terrible in that way, but I have Endured! And I will continue to Endure! I capitalize the word Endure, but it is a most Holy Word with the most amazing implications. I could write and write and write, for there is so much more information needed so as to help you get over this worldy, ugly, nasty hump that you're in. But, hang in there . . . you are vastly important.

As a recovered alcoholic that often lived in blackouts as does your husband (I know this because the booze is giving him PED), you may very well get his attention by buying insurance to protect you, the house, your things and money from a drunk husband. Do it and it just might wake him up. I fell asleep at the wheel going 65 and side-swiped a car, nearly killing the occupants and myself. Trust me, protect yourself from his habits, but do it with Love. Tell him that you Love him desperately and that you all need that protection. He is going to hurt someone, and you and I both know that he doesn't want that.

Do your best to look beyond the booze . . . and remember that the Lord can change any heart that He so desires. You nor I can change a heart, but He can and does . . . Jesus is in the business of changing hearts.

I believe in you 100%!
 
Mar 12, 2021
76
68
18
#27
My friend, I am both wonderful and hurt at the same time. Let me explain . . .

Once when I was in ER for a really bizarre, earthly panic attack, the nurses kept asking me how I was doing. I responded with: "My Spirit is perfect, my body is good, but my heart is broken." I said all of those things each time they asked of me, with tears streaming down my face.

A type of Trinity that we are . . . we are body, spirit, and Heart/soul. This is why when someone asks you how you are doing, you may answer from any of the three persons that you are. One day you might be physically hurting and will respond to the question from the physical perspective, while another day, and with a broken heart, you will answer the question from that perspective. As I began to ponder my pain and misery, I began to see these separations of person, and that the Bible deals with each of them.

One of the biggest, most important passages in the Bible that helped me to understand my suffering . . . is this:

1 Corinthians 6:13 NKJV - "Foods for the stomach and the stomach for foods, but God will destroy both it and them. Now the body [is] not for sexual immorality but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body."

Yes, the passage references food and (specifically) sexual immorality, but the point of the passage is clear . . . this body is not our own, nor has it ever Truly been. Therefore, does it even need to be satisfied by a man or woman? No, it doesn't. In fact, no one has ever died from not having intercourse . . . not even close. AnnaMarie, this passage is the one that did it for me. I read this and it hit me like a sledgehammer to the facial! It made so much sense!

As a Christian man or woman, we are to Serve the Lord. That's it! Now, part of the Eternal Plan is that Christ would suffer, but more than this, the Eternal Plan shows that the Lord's Children must also suffer as did their Lord and Savior. The question is . . . will we Endure? AnnaMarie? Will you endure this process that you're in? Is it possible that you might be able to look beyond your own body, a body that you know is filled with sexual goodness for a man, and realize this . . . "Oh my goodness. My desires should not be about sex, but about Service to my Almighty, Powerful God."

I know this: My God did not create me so that I could enjoy the plethora of women that I did, in fact, enjoy through my former, Pre-Transformed life. I now see things so clearly . . . that having the absolute best of women that a man could have . . . I see that it was all so utterly fruitless. Intimacy is fun and if done right . . . the single most beautiful thing that a man and woman can share together . . . but as said, no one dies from this! :D

Since I left my last girlfriend, I haven't even so much as been on a date, nor am I seeking one. I will not be intimate with another woman . . . ever . . . again. I have been on this path for years; hence, I know that I am Truly committed (by the Power of God only). Though we never were married, she was and will remain my final Spiritual wife, and though she continues to accept many seeds from many men, I will remain True . . . and not just to her, but also to God. Is this not also what it means to pick up our cross and to carry it? Doesn't carrying our own cross also mean that we have chosen to give up our free right to sin . . . to seek sexual aid from others?

As for me . . . I am liberated! But get this . . . my life is so much worse than it was before. "What do you mean?" You might ask. AnnaMarie . . . I know for a fact that you will agree with what I am about to suggest, and it's this: Pain and suffering is the greatest teacher! Trust me, you're probably not going to be hurting and suffering forever, so that means that once you are on the other side of this lousy, Evil pain, the Lord will have given you so much wisdom and understanding. Do you know what this means? It means that through pain and suffering (in the shadow of Christ), your wish of helping others (since that of a little girl) will be met that much more!

AnnaMarie . . . if you are able, do not look upon your circumstances as painful, but as a gift. I know that it hurts wildly, but you are being refined by fire! I do not believe that you are being disciplined, necessarily (or you could be - I am not a prophet), but I do know that with the right perspective, you can view each ugly event of your life as a beautiful gift. Think of Joseph and all that he went through before he became equal to Pharaoh. It's ok! Like Joseph, our sufferings confirm who we are! Your suffering confirms who you are . . . as does your strong desire to help others. These are all the signs of being a True Daughter, a True Child of God!

I know that it is very difficult to have this perspective while in the midst of such struggles, but you must practice in thinking these ways. You must practice. You must practice. You must practice. If you do not practice at Transforming your mind, it will simply never happen. Therefore, it is time to stand up; tell yourself that these problems are not really yours, but your husbands. You're going to get up and tell yourself, "I am so done with feeling like crap over this. Why? Why choose to feel this way when I don't have to? Why carry this man's guilt and shame, only to transfer it onto my shoulders as self-hatred? No more! I am not a piece of crap!"

And you are NOT a piece of crap. You are a Holy, Beloved, Amazing, Powerful Child of God, and He is bringing you out of Egypt so that you can hold your head high!

Leviticus 26:13 NLT - "I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt so you would no longer be their slaves. I broke the yoke of slavery from your neck so you can walk with your heads held high."

You are in bondage right now, but as you can see, God is telling you that you are to hold your head high! You are to believe in yourself and anything less is unacceptable for His beautiful Daughter whom He hath created! And He created you . . . and as we just mentioned, He did not make you to be a piece of crap. So Endure!

I have been in battle with Adult Protective Services for two years. This has been the most unbelievable, painful thing I have ever imagined. I have faced being put onto a Registered Offenders List for the lies that have been perpetuated against me. Even the state does not support me . . . no one has, not even a single "christian." I have failed miserably to keep a positive perspective at all times . . . I have been terrible in that way, but I have Endured! And I will continue to Endure! I capitalize the word Endure, but it is a most Holy Word with the most amazing implications. I could write and write and write, for there is so much more information needed so as to help you get over this worldy, ugly, nasty hump that you're in. But, hang in there . . . you are vastly important.

As a recovered alcoholic that often lived in blackouts as does your husband (I know this because the booze is giving him PED), you may very well get his attention by buying insurance to protect you, the house, your things and money from a drunk husband. Do it and it just might wake him up. I fell asleep at the wheel going 65 and side-swiped a car, nearly killing the occupants and myself. Trust me, protect yourself from his habits, but do it with Love. Tell him that you Love him desperately and that you all need that protection. He is going to hurt someone, and you and I both know that he doesn't want that.

Do your best to look beyond the booze . . . and remember that the Lord can change any heart that He so desires. You nor I can change a heart, but He can and does . . . Jesus is in the business of changing hearts.

I believe in you 100%!
My friend, thank God for you - what a blessing. I want to write more and God-willing I will, but it will have to wait until later ...I have to go for now. Just know that God used you to bless me yesterday and today! He is good all the time, all the time... I had to catch my breath between your paragraphs. Praise the Lord Jesus Christ Almighty!
 

2ndTimothyGroup

Well-known member
Feb 20, 2021
5,206
1,830
113
#28
My friend, thank God for you - what a blessing. I want to write more and God-willing I will, but it will have to wait until later ...I have to go for now. Just know that God used you to bless me yesterday and today! He is good all the time, all the time... I had to catch my breath between your paragraphs. Praise the Lord Jesus Christ Almighty!
AnnaMarie, you are so much bigger than anyone's shortcomings! And . . . I can't wait to hear about your Spiritual Growth. Your Romans 12:2 might be just around the corner. This could be a very exciting time in your life! :D
 

levi85

Senior Member
Jul 2, 2013
8,578
2,180
113
#29
Lord turn AnnaMarie's sorrows into Joy. Lord heal and bless AnnaMarie, and her husband's relationship. Let he be loving , kind and respectful to AnnaMarie. Lord bless this prayer request and you be glorified in AnnaMarie & her husband's relationship. In Jesus mighty name, Amen!
 
Mar 12, 2021
76
68
18
#30
Lord turn AnnaMarie's sorrows into Joy. Lord heal and bless AnnaMarie, and her husband's relationship. Let he be loving , kind and respectful to AnnaMarie. Lord bless this prayer request and you be glorified in AnnaMarie & her husband's relationship. In Jesus mighty name, Amen!
Oh Levi, thank you so much for caring enough to pray for me. Praise the Lord Jesus!
 

Magenta

Senior Member
Jul 3, 2015
55,247
25,715
113
#31
How can you say that we are not meant to be punished?
That is not what Bingo said. Look:

"Something is amiss here, and only you know the whole story, as there is usually
two sides to a dysfunctional relationship. Beating up ones own self is not constructive.
I learned long time ago, for my own mental wellness and peace, I had to make a change.

We are not meant to punish ourselves, and tough choices have to be made.
I believe one can come to terms with our Lord, when undue anguish is upon us.
I hope and pray you find what is needed in your life for a reprieve."
 

2ndTimothyGroup

Well-known member
Feb 20, 2021
5,206
1,830
113
#32
Lord turn AnnaMarie's sorrows into Joy. Lord heal and bless AnnaMarie, and her husband's relationship. Let he be loving, kind, and respectful to AnnaMarie. Lord bless this prayer request and you be glorified in AnnaMarie & her husband's relationship. In Jesus mighty name, Amen!
What a wonderul prayer, Melchizedek! Thank you for lifting up your blessed sister!
 
Mar 12, 2021
76
68
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#34
That is not what Bingo said. Look:
Was this something we've talked about before, Magenta? I don't remember consulting you on this.

Actually, nothing happens that does not pass through God's fingers first. Nothing. God either stops or allows something to occur. Even if I was punishing myself, which I don't believe I was/am, it would only be because the Lord allowed it to be so. So, either way, I would be receiving needed correction from my Savior, because ALL THINGS work to the good for those who love and serve the Lord.

Thank you for your concern.
 
Mar 12, 2021
76
68
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#35
My friend, thank God for you - what a blessing. I want to write more and God-willing I will, but it will have to wait until later ...I have to go for now. Just know that God used you to bless me yesterday and today! He is good all the time, all the time... I had to catch my breath between your paragraphs. Praise the Lord Jesus Christ Almighty!
My friend in Christ Jesus, Do I understand correctly that you are STILL going through trying to clear your name and endure being accused of a horrible, horrendous thing? I can't even imagine... And this child/children are ones that you dearly love? Unimaginable.

It hurts to know that your family and friends have not supported you through this unspeakable pain. You know of course that Jesus suffered alone, my friend. The night before his death, when not one of his disciples stayed awake to comfort him and they denied knowing him. You know this. You know then that Jesus experienced being accused unjustly and suffered alone so He knows full well what you are dealing with and so, the only One that truly matters has not, and will never abandon or desert you. He is incapable in His perfection. And, he is well acquainted with the pain you're experiencing. He's been there and then some, and then some more... almost all of his earthly existence.

Praise the God of Isaac, Jacob and Moses that even in your agonizing pain, you reached out to another with words of comfort, encouragement, and support, even though no one in your own circle of friends and family did this for you. Thank you Lord Jesus for the compassion, and love you have set into this man's heart and soul for the suffering of others!! To God be the glory! Oh He loves you more than you will ever know in this life, and He has made you to go through this horrible thing for His reason/reasons. Just like I am suffering now in my marriage. Like you said, my dear friend, pain is required in this life, to ready ourselves that love and serve the Lord, for eternity with Him. Jesus showed us that, in the way He lived while He was here. He was without sin and STILL suffered unimaginably!

The man I divorced was an alcoholic, but he never admitted it. He would always say that he could stop drinking anytime he wanted, but of course, he never did. Even when he knew I was leaving him, and even though I know he loved me, and he knew that was the reason I was leaving, he never stopped. My ex was sick and I abandoned him.. in my selfish pursuit of fleshly desires, I put myself first when I should have put my husband first! And I only very recently asked the One True God to forgive me, only very recently. And it hurts to think about it now, only now. He went through unimaginable pain and he was too sick to help himself, help us. I called myself a Christian then, can you imagine, my friend?

My current husband told me he was a recovered alcoholic when we met. I would not drink in front of him in order not to tempt him, you know? Even though he would say that it was OK, I still would not do it. Now he has begun drinking again, and he defends this by telling me that he was wrong...that he was not an alcoholic before so he can drink. That it's OK.

That verse in Leviticus you sent was from God Almighty. It pierced me. Can God's correction of His daughter last for years? Yes, I believe it can and is! I left my first husband because there was no intimacy, and now, with my current husband, there is no intimacy! He prefers to pleasure himself. We have talked about this and he understands that he is sinning when he does this, and that he is making me go without but still taking care of his own desire, but he continues. But then the verse! I will not die without sex, my friend, that is the truth. It will not even weaken my immune system, going without. God would not make us that way...to have our bodies sicken and perish for lack of physical intimacy. He didn't make us that way. And that verse is comforting me today. My body is the Lord's, when all is said and done, first and foremost. Even though my husband knows that his body rightfully belongs to me and visa versa within the bonds of marriage, he has made the choice to do as he pleases. That is his choice. I must live with it.

Know, my friend in Christ Jesus, that I am praying for you today. Do you see how God has called you, especially with all the intense pain you have suffered and are still suffering? He loved Job and just look at what Job had to go through! Our little pea-sized brains could never conceive, in this life, how much Jesus loves us. He has called you, my brother, called you by name. You are His. You are His child. You are His.

You are loved beyond earthly measure, my brother, with a greater, more powerful love that can ever be attained on this earth. Keep that in mind.
 

NotmebutHim

Senior Member
May 17, 2015
2,916
1,588
113
47
#36
AnnaMarie,

God sees, hears and knows everything you're going through. Believe me when I say that He has not turned a blind eye or a deaf ear to your pain.

He will answer His children speedily!
 
Mar 12, 2021
76
68
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#37
AnnaMarie,

God sees, hears and knows everything you're going through. Believe me when I say that He has not turned a blind eye or a deaf ear to your pain.

He will answer His children speedily!
Thank you. I do believe you. Thank you for your caring spirit and words of comfort.
 
A

Alyd20

Guest
#39
God in his heaven, please help me. I am so sad and angry that I can't contain myself. I feel like dying. My husband has proved he only cares for himself and has neglected and abused me emotionally for so long. I want to die! God is heaven, help me.
I pray that you are safe and ok