The Fear of Being Alone

[1christian1]

I'm not sure how you got that they haven't prayed or tried to be patient out of that. All i heard was that's all they keep hearing, not that they haven't done it.

Because in your rant. you never once said this...

 

[LetThereBePeasOnEarth]

Then what do you suggest? Your statements, while logical, sound like a reiteration of what my mother has been saying. While you're telling me what I'm doing wrong, there seems to be no advice, or either advice that doesn't really seem like advice at all, like, "Pray." or "Be Patient." or "God has much in store for you." I've been told to try hanging out with my friends. I've tried that, then my mother told me that I shouldn't have ignored my discernment which told me the people that I hung out with didn't care about me. So, i tried making more friends. The same occurred. My real friends are busy and unavailable and I'd rather not burden them with my issues. What outlet do you suggest? A psychologist? A teacher? My family? Done, done, and done. I'm no idiot, and while I know that it's in my flesh to commit error, it truly seems and feels like all my resources have been exhausted. The school psychologist told me I struggled with depression, while not surprising, is quite honestly none of her business. She concurred this with information not shared by me, but my parent. I'm generally a very private person. I only tell people things on a need-to-know basis. I've improved this habit, but I still didn't appreciate some of the information shared about ME without MY permission. The point is that there is no one for me to socialize with. My mother has me hanging all my hopes on next school year, college. However, I've been conditioned to not have great expectations (I'm well aware of the scripture that says that God can do exceeding abundantly above all...). Yet, here I am. I know how blessed I am for what I already have, but I can't help wishing for other things that it seems God doesn't want to give me.

Hi daMel, if I could please just start with a sistergirl thing-- ((((((((daMel))))))))) . Thankfully internet hugs aren't quite as intrusive feeling as good old fashioned physical ones, although sometimes no matter how shy or to ourselves or standoffish we might be, and even though we might fight it or pull away.... we all need those good close "I love you and am here for you, even if you're backing away" kinds of hugs. Sometimes it's actually a relief when someone calls our bluff and just loves us in spite of ourselves and our defensives.

ANYWAY, that being said, I hear you. I do understand how hard it is to wait. I am sitting right in the boat with you and it doesn't feel good. Sometimes there isn't a "something to do" or "formula" where we can just do it and make something happen as we want it to be. Sometimes the only way to get somewhere is to make the journey, one step at a time. And with each step and in each moment we are just living life. Maybe not life the way we IMMEDIATELY want it to be... but life as it is, in process. Most of life is actually a process of one sort or another. and, unless you want some kind of monster hybrid two headed chickens of an outcome you just have to give everything the proper time to grow and develop at the pace it's meant to. (if you didn't understand my hybrid monster comment it's ok.. but if you want to know just ask and I can explain if you want).

I know it's hard. And I know that I said that before. But, I'm telling you... I REALLY DO KNOW. It's a part of growing and it's the hardest part. But please hang in there. Do things to help yourself be the person that you really want to be... and the kind of person that you would really want to be friends with. "Grow" yourself... strengthen yourself in your faith and your relationship with God-- as sub said (or someone? oops)... get involved with your church and youth group. Just live life where you are for now... the future will come sooner and faster than you think.

And as far as feeling lonely and wondering about the things that you feel like "God doesn't want to give you".... I do believe that He brought you to this very site for a reason. Right now you have friends and brothers and sisters in the faith coming alongside you in support and talking with you... praying for you... caring for you. That is real love. THAT is REAL friendship. Right now, until God connects you with a person where you are who will be a true friend to you, right now He's given you us. And we're listening and we care and we're here for you.

Just please give God time to do His work in you. Just because you can't see it, don't doubt that He's working.

 

[DaMelsOtay]

I suspect any attempts at advice will be met with the same level of dismissive irritation. But that doesn't mean i won't try anyways.

Firstly i would say, don't get into a relationship right now unless you want to be hurt again. I thought that was clear in my original post, which would be advice. And good advice.
Next i wouldn't say that God will have more in store for you. I had a similar mindset as you when i was a teen, and i can say things have not, in fact, gotten better for me. Sometimes they do for some people, for others, not so much. In fact I'd say i'm worse off now than i used to be. And definitely part of that is on me. Not only the way you act, but how you respond can have an affect, so my first piece of advice is to look at yourself. This isn't about putting yourself down but introspection to see what role you may be playing in the issue you're having.
For example, the way you present yourself to others. When you maintain an attitude that you won't 'burden' others with your problems, that could make you seem closed off, detached, defensive. Not qualities than generally attract others. Sharing our burdens, up to a point, can actually help in forming closer connections with others.
Also try setting the example, if you want people to open up, try opening up to them first. For example i'm pretty open about myself, my problems, my struggles, etc... as a result people open up to me. Because of my own willingness to share you wouldn't believe the number of times i've heard statements such as 'i have literally never told anyone this......'.
So, take these examples as advice. Being open fosters openness and sharing burdens increases closeness.

Also by sharing burdens you don't hold all that negativity inside where it festers and grows, but rather you get to air it out. And sometimes realize how many others may have similar issues. Or get good advice. Just start small. If you're concerned about feeling vulnerable only share a bit that's not too personal and see how that person handles it. And assuming they do well, then gradually increase how much you share as they earn trust.

Be aware what you think, focus on and feel affects your body language as well. Your very body language may be off putting and creating a barrier or being a discouragement from others wanting to spend time with you.

So there's some advice as a starting point to possibly change things for you.

And so you know i've had depression for 25 years, anxiety for 15 years, i'm shy and introverted and lack self confidence. I haven't had friends where i live in 10 years and have heath issues. I've been in a variety of romantic relationships and have been CRUSHED many, many times by them, most of which i never should have been involved in to begin with.
I get the struggle and have been battling it for a very long time. I've learned some things along the way.

Thank you. It's easier to listen to advice from someone who empathizes with a similar situation.

 

[DaMelsOtay]

Hi daMel, if I could please just start with a sistergirl thing-- ((((((((daMel))))))))) . Thankfully internet hugs aren't quite as intrusive feeling as good old fashioned physical ones, although sometimes no matter how shy or to ourselves or standoffish we might be, and even though we might fight it or pull away.... we all need those good close "I love you and am here for you, even if you're backing away" kinds of hugs. Sometimes it's actually a relief when someone calls our bluff and just loves us in spite of ourselves and our defensives.

ANYWAY, that being said, I hear you. I do understand how hard it is to wait. I am sitting right in the boat with you and it doesn't feel good. Sometimes there isn't a "something to do" or "formula" where we can just do it and make something happen as we want it to be. Sometimes the only way to get somewhere is to make the journey, one step at a time. And with each step and in each moment we are just living life. Maybe not life the way we IMMEDIATELY want it to be... but life as it is, in process. Most of life is actually a process of one sort or another. and, unless you want some kind of monster hybrid two headed chickens of an outcome you just have to give everything the proper time to grow and develop at the pace it's meant to. (if you didn't understand my hybrid monster comment it's ok.. but if you want to know just ask and I can explain if you want).

I know it's hard. And I know that I said that before. But, I'm telling you... I REALLY DO KNOW. It's a part of growing and it's the hardest part. But please hang in there. Do things to help yourself be the person that you really want to be... and the kind of person that you would really want to be friends with. "Grow" yourself... strengthen yourself in your faith and your relationship with God-- as sub said (or someone? oops)... get involved with your church and youth group. Just live life where you are for now... the future will come sooner and faster than you think.

And as far as feeling lonely and wondering about the things that you feel like "God doesn't want to give you".... I do believe that He brought you to this very site for a reason. Right now you have friends and brothers and sisters in the faith coming alongside you in support and talking with you... praying for you... caring for you. That is real love. THAT is REAL friendship. Right now, until God connects you with a person where you are who will be a true friend to you, right now He's given you us. And we're listening and we care and we're here for you.

Just please give God time to do His work in you. Just because you can't see it, don't doubt that He's working.

Thank you for your advice. It's more well-taken than others. After all, a soft answer turns away wrath (yes, this is shade towards the other person for my dismissive irritation. What do you expect? I'm a teen after all *upside-down smiley face*). I'm very involved in my church. I'm a junior deacon and I sing. When most have a question pertaining to God, when an adult is unavailable, and even sometimes when they are, I'm the person contacted. My mother has been pouring scriptural knowledge into me my whole life. SO while I don't know everything, I certainly know more than the average person in my generation. I'm known as a leader not only in church, but in school. But, as most say, it's lonely at the top. So, sometimes, I'd rather not be at the top if that's what it takes.

 

[LetThereBePeasOnEarth]

Thank you for your advice. It's more well-taken than others. After all, a soft answer turns away wrath (yes, this is shade towards the other person for my dismissive irritation. What do you expect? I'm a teen after all *upside-down smiley face*). I'm very involved in my church. I'm a junior deacon and I sing. When most have a question pertaining to God, when an adult is unavailable, and even sometimes when they are, I'm the person contacted. My mother has been pouring scriptural knowledge into me my whole life. SO while I don't know everything, I certainly know more than the average person in my generation. I'm known as a leader not only in church, but in school. But, as most say, it's lonely at the top. So, sometimes, I'd rather not be at the top if that's what it takes.

Yeah, sometimes even people who seem to be everyone else's "strong ones" to turn to need someone to lift them up or to help with advice or just encouraging their hearts. That's why I love this (will post below) so much. We all need each other. And, seriously, never hesitate if you need someone to lean on. We're all here for each other.

 

[DaMelsOtay]

So then you have tried everything that your mother has suggested, other than Prayer and being patient... Go figure, huh...

God needs to help me with being slow to anger, but boy oh boy , you are not helping. It's not what you say. It's how you say it. And next time, I suggest you lose a bit of your attitude. For your information, my prayers haven't stopped. My faith that they'll be answered has. Prayer and patience are things that are continuous. And I can guarantee that at least once in Your life, your patience has fled. I know that you should be careful what you wish for, so I don't wish to pray for patience b/c I know God thinks very outside-the-box. If I pray for patience, He'll continue to put me in situations that require it, which means more headaches for me. If I continue my same prayers, I'll be met with my same answers. That's the definition of insanity. Why would I do something that gains 0 results repetitively. Yet, here I am. I supposed I AM insane. I understand that it's challenging for you to understand all the factors of my life that has led to such a (what you may call it) spiteful attitude. However, like most things, this most certainly did NOT happen overnight. This is the result of years of bullying, partially by my own father b/c his faith life was not yet at the level of my mother's. Part of it was b/c my brother was trying to fill his shoes as a father but only drove the divide even further. This is the father whom yes, I love, but when I decided to cover my mirrors in middle school b/c I figured that I was just as ugly as everyone else said, loudly laughed about it in the middle of a grocery store. Part of this situation is due to my actions, of course. But God is the one who set it all in motion. There are too many factors for me, let alone you, who only knows as much as what I've typed on this computer, to mock some of the decisions I've made in my mere 17 years of living.

 

[DaMelsOtay]

I'm not sure how you got that they haven't prayed or tried to be patient out of that. All i heard was that's all they keep hearing, not that they haven't done it.

Thank you

 

[Lighthearted]

Thank you for your advice. It's more well-taken than others. After all, a soft answer turns away wrath (yes, this is shade towards the other person for my dismissive irritation. What do you expect? I'm a teen after all *upside-down smiley face*). I'm very involved in my church. I'm a junior deacon and I sing. When most have a question pertaining to God, when an adult is unavailable, and even sometimes when they are, I'm the person contacted. My mother has been pouring scriptural knowledge into me my whole life. SO while I don't know everything, I certainly know more than the average person in my generation. I'm known as a leader not only in church, but in school. But, as most say, it's lonely at the top. So, sometimes, I'd rather not be at the top if that's what it takes.

I'm in the same boat too...and I know I'm waiting on the Lord. He's done a lot of work on me in the last year and a half. I was told that God is still working on the man that will be in my life. I can't argue or rush that.
He's always working in our lives and preparing things in the background we don't see.
It's so hard to be patient but it's even harder to go through the pain of repeating bad decisions because we think we know better than the King of the World!
Hang tough sis!

 

[JosephsDreams]

Most of the times I am good with it. Once and a while though, well, it can be tough.
At least now with my 2 daughters being 12 and 10, IRL, I can some semi adult conversations with other bodily human beings during the day. Two or three years ago unless it was a phone call, I could go days or sometimes even weeks without that...

 

[Jopie]

I would rather be alone than be with someone who was a bad fit, especislly if there were children involved. There’s too many examples of the bad type of relationships around me.

I'm so jealous of my brother who stayed single all his life. My kids make up for it, but for the rest... my goodness. Paul was a smart man. Should have listened to his advice.

 

[Jopie]

Most of the times I am good with it. Once and a while though, well, it can be tough.
At least now with my 2 daughters being 12 and 10, IRL, I can some semi adult conversations with other bodily human beings during the day. Two or three years ago unless it was a phone call, I could go days or sometimes even weeks without that...

When my kids are with my ex I feel really alone. Found the solution for that now: friends. Why hadn't I thought about that earlier? It's only positive, fun and no drama.

 

[tourist]

I'm so jealous of my brother who stayed single all his life. My kids make up for it, but for the rest... my goodness. Paul was a smart man. Should have listened to his advice.

My first marriage was a total disaster. Many members here can tell a horror story regarding marriage. Paul was a smart man, maybe he was speaking from his own personal experience and has his own horror story to tell.

 

[BrotherMike]

I personally don't fear being alone, I fear being with the wrong person. Tread carefully and take your time to get to know them!

 

[Jan7777777]

To be honest I would rather be single than hurry up and marry just anyone because that's what culture/society dictates. Believe me the pressure of getting married has been put on me and I have learned to take it in stride. I have friends and classmates who got married young and years later ended up separated because of immaturity, irreconcilable differences and the usual reason 'he/she changed'.
I have told my parents that I will get married in God's time. That seemed to placate them. And the fact that I prefer to travel and focus on building a career than look for a mate. I believe if you meet the one, anywhere at any time then you'll just know no need to look for him. God will find a way, I always say

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I agree to every single word you said. you will know and why does people think marriage is the answer to being happy, I have been married and now single, I take single over marriage, its freedom to me. You can find happiness in a lot of things, I notice most married people are unhappy, I have even been told, by married people to never marry again....lol

 

[Oncefallen]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I agree to every single word you said. you will know and why does people think marriage is the answer to being happy, I have been married and now single, I take single over marriage, its freedom to me. You can find happiness in a lot of things, I notice most married people are unhappy, I have even been told, by married people to never marry again....lol

IMO this says more about the persons who have said it that the institution of marriage. Statistically, most persons who are unhappy in their marriages (if they split) still are unhappy later whether they stay single or remarry. Persons who are looking to achieve happiness (that they don't already possess) by joining with another person are begging for a major disappointment.

 

[tourist]

IMO this says more about the persons who have said it that the institution of marriage. Statistically, most persons who are unhappy in their marriages (if they split) still are unhappy later whether they stay single or remarry. Persons who are looking to achieve happiness (that they don't already possess) by joining with another person are begging for a major disappointment.

I fully agree. I did not find happiness in my first marriage which ended in divorce. It was a real horror show. My current and last wife says that you carry your own happiness with you, and while I believe that there is an element of truth to that I find that I am happily married.

 

[1christian1]

When my kids are with my ex I feel really alone. Found the solution for that now: friends. Why hadn't I thought about that earlier? It's only positive, fun and no drama.

Yeah, that would be cool Jopie. But even friends , I mean true friends, are far and few between. Ya know? ...

 

[1christian1]

Hi daMel, if I could please just start with a sistergirl thing-- ((((((((daMel))))))))) . Thankfully internet hugs aren't quite as intrusive feeling as good old fashioned physical ones, although sometimes no matter how shy or to ourselves or standoffish we might be, and even though we might fight it or pull away.... we all need those good close "I love you and am here for you, even if you're backing away" kinds of hugs. Sometimes it's actually a relief when someone calls our bluff and just loves us in spite of ourselves and our defensives.

ANYWAY, that being said, I hear you. I do understand how hard it is to wait. I am sitting right in the boat with you and it doesn't feel good. Sometimes there isn't a "something to do" or "formula" where we can just do it and make something happen as we want it to be. Sometimes the only way to get somewhere is to make the journey, one step at a time. And with each step and in each moment we are just living life. Maybe not life the way we IMMEDIATELY want it to be... but life as it is, in process. Most of life is actually a process of one sort or another. and, unless you want some kind of monster hybrid two headed chickens of an outcome you just have to give everything the proper time to grow and develop at the pace it's meant to. (if you didn't understand my hybrid monster comment it's ok.. but if you want to know just ask and I can explain if you want).

I know it's hard. And I know that I said that before. But, I'm telling you... I REALLY DO KNOW. It's a part of growing and it's the hardest part. But please hang in there. Do things to help yourself be the person that you really want to be... and the kind of person that you would really want to be friends with. "Grow" yourself... strengthen yourself in your faith and your relationship with God-- as sub said (or someone? oops)... get involved with your church and youth group. Just live life where you are for now... the future will come sooner and faster than you think.

And as far as feeling lonely and wondering about the things that you feel like "God doesn't want to give you".... I do believe that He brought you to this very site for a reason. Right now you have friends and brothers and sisters in the faith coming alongside you in support and talking with you... praying for you... caring for you. That is real love. THAT is REAL friendship. Right now, until God connects you with a person where you are who will be a true friend to you, right now He's given you us. And we're listening and we care and we're here for you.

Just please give God time to do His work in you. Just because you can't see it, don't doubt that He's working.

LOL!!!

 

[1christian1]

Then what do you suggest? Your statements, while logical, sound like a reiteration of what my mother has been saying. While you're telling me what I'm doing wrong, there seems to be no advice, or either advice that doesn't really seem like advice at all, like, "Pray." or "Be Patient." or "God has much in store for you." I've been told to try hanging out with my friends. I've tried that, then my mother told me that I shouldn't have ignored my discernment which told me the people that I hung out with didn't care about me. So, i tried making more friends. The same occurred. My real friends are busy and unavailable and I'd rather not burden them with my issues. What outlet do you suggest? A psychologist? A teacher? My family? Done, done, and done. I'm no idiot, and while I know that it's in my flesh to commit error, it truly seems and feels like all my resources have been exhausted. The school psychologist told me I struggled with depression, while not surprising, is quite honestly none of her business. She concurred this with information not shared by me, but my parent. I'm generally a very private person. I only tell people things on a need-to-know basis. I've improved this habit, but I still didn't appreciate some of the information shared about ME without MY permission. The point is that there is no one for me to socialize with. My mother has me hanging all my hopes on next school year, college. However, I've been conditioned to not have great expectations (I'm well aware of the scripture that says that God can do exceeding abundantly above all...). Yet, here I am. I know how blessed I am for what I already have, but I can't help wishing for other things that it seems God doesn't want to give me.

What is it ? Did you not get onto the college you wanted ? My daughter is only going to be a freshman in high school . she does well in school but the schools that she is looking at ( unless she gets a scholarship ) is out of my reaches...

 

[Oncefallen]

What is it ? Did you not get onto the college you wanted ? My daughter is only going to be a freshman in high school . she does well in school but the schools that she is looking at ( unless she gets a scholarship ) is out of my reaches...

The option that so many fail to look at is doing a year or two at a community college to knock off required courses such as math, English, etc. then transfer to a four year university to complete the degree. Community colleges cost a minuscule fraction of a major university and of course there is the savings in housing also.