What do you think about this? Any Thoughts?

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ManiaStar

Senior Member
Nov 14, 2015
381
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So, I was talking w/ a friend of mine yesterday and he and i do all sorts of different activities. We stay very active and he and i have always thought of it as a good thing.

He told me about a conversation his mom had w/ him about how all our activities really isn't healthy for us because when we have things that bother us, instead of facing the problems head on, we either turn to work or activities to keep our minds off of our problems.

I understood what his mom was saying but, didn't think about it too much yesterday. Was thinking about it a good part of today, and I feel there's a lot of truth in what his mom said. As I'm thinking back years and years ago. What did I do whenever something bothered me or I was depressed or frustrated? What I did was, go for a bike ride, or take my dog for a hike in the woods, or be around people so I wouldn't have to think about what was bothering me and yes, it worked but, it only always worked for the time I was out and about and stayed busy.

My friend and I consume ourselves in these different activities. Usually because we enjoy it but, now, his mom has given me a different perspective on our activities/hobbies. We literally have so many different activities and hobbies. Some people call us crazy and say that we're way too active for our own good. I always laughed at that when people made those comments.

I felt that he and I were just well rounded and liked these activities and we strive to try more and more new activities even though we don't have much time for these activities nowadays.

According to his mom, it's almost like he and I should have a 1 on 1 counseling session w/ each other and just tell each other what is on our minds and what is bothering us. I wonder if that would help us both out and make us happier.

Even the other day, I told my friend how I don't like being alone, because when I'm alone, my thoughts get to me pretty badly. I want to stay busy but its hard to Always stay busy.

What are your thoughts about what my friend's mom said?
 
I think she's dead on. And i think, deep down, you Know she's right. It's pretty obvious from your own words you know she's right.
Problem with this approach you take is that nothing changes, nothing heals, nothing gets better. It just festers and grows stronger. And the more you stuff down and avoid the bigger the explosion will be when it all forces its way out. And you will have no choice but to deal, not with one thing at a time, as they come up, but everything all at once. Plus the new problem of whoever it is you blow up on.
Basically you're just a ticking time bomb.
Having a trustworthy and wise friend to talk to is always a help. But if you have been avoiding a number of things for years, it may benefit you to spend some time with a real counselor. At least for a little while, till you get past everything you've suppressed. And also to learn Healthy ways to cope with problems.

You may very well enjoy being active and doing a lot of things. But like anything, if you use what you enjoy to mask deeper issues that's when it becomes a problem.
 
ManiaStar said:
So, I was talking w/ a friend of mine yesterday and he and i do all sorts of different activities. We stay very active and he and i have always thought of it as a good thing.

He told me about a conversation his mom had w/ him about how all our activities really isn't healthy for us because when we have things that bother us, instead of facing the problems head on, we either turn to work or activities to keep our minds off of our problems.

I understood what his mom was saying but, didn't think about it too much yesterday. Was thinking about it a good part of today, and I feel there's a lot of truth in what his mom said. As I'm thinking back years and years ago. What did I do whenever something bothered me or I was depressed or frustrated? What I did was, go for a bike ride, or take my dog for a hike in the woods, or be around people so I wouldn't have to think about what was bothering me and yes, it worked but, it only always worked for the time I was out and about and stayed busy.

My friend and I consume ourselves in these different activities. Usually because we enjoy it but, now, his mom has given me a different perspective on our activities/hobbies. We literally have so many different activities and hobbies. Some people call us crazy and say that we're way too active for our own good. I always laughed at that when people made those comments.

I felt that he and I were just well rounded and liked these activities and we strive to try more and more new activities even though we don't have much time for these activities nowadays.

According to his mom, it's almost like he and I should have a 1 on 1 counseling session w/ each other and just tell each other what is on our minds and what is bothering us. I wonder if that would help us both out and make us happier.

Even the other day, I told my friend how I don't like being alone, because when I'm alone, my thoughts get to me pretty badly. I want to stay busy but its hard to Always stay busy.

What are your thoughts about what my friend's mom said?
Click to expand...
As long as you have your priorities straight, you've got nothing to worry about..
tumblr_m7ybhe1NAU1r1uez8o1_500.gif
 
ManiaStar said:
What I did was, go for a bike ride, or take my dog for a hike in the woods, or be around people so I wouldn't have to think about what was bothering me and yes, it worked but, it only always worked for the time I was out and about and stayed busy.
Click to expand...

I think this is the key phrase. If it "only works" while you are busy, it seems important to take a look at what you might need to be doing in order to solve or work through some of your problems instead of using activities, no matter how good, to avoid them.

Your post reminded me of several people I knew. I'm not saying in any way that your situation is as extreme, but here are some examples:

* The father who took on more and more responsibility at work, meaning he spent less and less time at home. He told himself he was doing it for his family, to be able to do an even better job of providing for them, but the truth was, his family was falling apart, and, because he was unsure and unwilling to deal with his issues at home, he found more ways to be at work instead.

* The man who told me he had lost his job, and started to talk about all the financial difficulties he was facing. In the meantime, he was taking on some volunteer opportunities, which was wonderful. But each time I talked to him, he would speak about doing more and more volunteer work--and never once mentioned looking for a job, or even filling out applications.

* The women at church who were involved in every committee and went to every retreat that was held. But the truth was, although they were serving Jesus, at home, their marriages were falling apart, and because they didn't know how or want to talk to/face conflicts with their husbands, they chose to find more and more reasons to be at the church instead.

Distractions can be wonderful, and we all do this to an extent.

But when we choose distractions over difficult things we'd rather not face--that need to be faced--eventually, there is a price to pay in the end.
 
Fight or flight I suppose.

Lol not to digress too much from the topic, but idk, I'm kinda getting the sense either this guy or his mom wants him to be your boyfriend. Apologies if I am wrong.
 
"Search your feelings, Luke. You KNOW it to be true!"

Everyone has their own coping mechanisms. Some are not healthy, and some people just need to mind their own business. Maybe she has a valid point, though. Chew on it for awhile and see what you think.
 
I think activity is a great way to avoid Dwelling on problems, but shouldn't be used to avoid Dealing with things.
 
seoulsearch said:
I think this is the key phrase. If it "only works" while you are busy, it seems important to take a look at what you might need to be doing in order to solve or work through some of your problems instead of using activities, no matter how good, to avoid them.

Your post reminded me of several people I knew. I'm not saying in any way that your situation is as extreme, but here are some examples:
Click to expand...

What Kim said

Thank you for saving me the time of writing a lengthy post
 
Oncefallen said:

What Kim said

Thank you for saving me the time of writing a lengthy post
Click to expand...

LOL!!

I think this is the first time someone's said that MY lengthy posts actually saved THEM from having to write a lengthy post... :D

Anytime, Oncefallen, anytime! I'm only here to help!! :p
 
When I was in my 30s. I remember telling some church folk about how I was struggling with being alone. To a person, they all suggested that I "get busy" doing more stuff.

As an introvert I was like, "Umm...no." I intuitively knew that busyness was not happiness...that in fact making myself busier would just stress me out. It would, in fact, give me less time for introspection.

What I realize now, but I couldn't articulate then, was what I really needed wasn't more activities involving more people...I needed greater intimacy in already existing relationships.

Now, I don't know if that's what you're needing; however, if busyness is a way for you to avoid emotion, then you're using it like an addict uses drugs or alcohol. Addiction is all about avoiding painful emotions. In fact, lots of addicts will "switch addictions" when they sober up instead of dealing with their emotions. They'll stop using drugs, but become an exercise addict (a behavior socially sanctioned), or they'll stop drinking, but get addicted to food, etc.

Only you know your true motives in this case. People here really like you, so the tendency is going to be to give you a pass on the behavior and say it's not that bad...and on the surface, it's not. But anytime we avoid dealing with uncomfortable emotions, we block intimacy in our lives--with people and God, so I think it's worth you examining.
 

If you notice that your car has a flat tire, but just ignore the problem and say "Lets go bowling", your still going to need to deal with your flat tire at some point. Perhaps that's all his mother was saying? Its good to have an outlet or release to escape from life's problems on occasion, and getting involved in various activities is better than having a cigarette or getting loaded, but I've learned to face the music head-on and deal with problems up front. Leaving problems hanging is a burden that I prefer not to carry around... jmo
 
I see absolutely no problem with what you're doing. Very few people can openly and honestly talk about what is bothering them, so they stay busy until the depression or what is bothering is lifted from their spirit. Why not view it from the stand point that GOD has given you a healthy body to take those bike rides to raise your endorphin's and overcome the depression this way. IF you and your friend need to talk, talk and ride. Other wise you sound like typical healthy bros to me. Now that being said, is it possible "Mom" knows something you don't about your friend and she is trying to force him to talk to you about it???
 
I think the previous posts have addressed this well, so I'll add just one thought...

Perhaps consider taking some time each week when you purposely consider those troubling things... in a prayerful, contemplative kind of way. Not as a thing on your 'to do list' but just a time to ponder, to trade a little activity for some processing time. Invite God in; He might have something deep to say, or He might just say, "let's go biking". :)
 
My thoughts.....as long as you are not avoiding things that do need resolution or attention to the detriment of your life....your fine.
Bottom line...life happens, things get us down and depressed sometimes. Life happens and things do not go our way. I very much have the "suck it up buttercup" kind of attitude.
Noone likes a 'debbie downer'. I think it is better to work out some of your frustrations going for a hike or bike ride etc, than to 'wallow' in a wow is me attitude. (so unattractive)

You have mentioned your 'good friend' is a guy.....I am sort of wondering if he maybe she does not approve of you two spending so much time together and just brought up this "perspective" because of a secondary motive? (mind you, I see nothing wrong with males and females being friends.....good friends at that. BUT, maybe she is being a bit protective of her son in this regard?)
 
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