Why Are So Many Christians Still Single?
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I'd say it's a combination of factors that made marriage more costly and less necessary and permanent:
Divorces are easier and now so common that most churches won't look down on you for having one. But that means a lot of marriages don't last till death do us part.
Boys and girls of the past couple generations grew up in what was quite possibly the first mixed gender childhood where the girls and the boys were around each other socially and could be friends. And when genuine friendship is a possibility that just makes signals of interest harder to read. Previous generations if a guy talked to a girl he was interested in more than friendship because friendship wasn't really an option.
Women have plenty of career options these days, she doesn't have to get married to ensure her material needs are met. And there's birth control so she can sleep around without fear of becoming pregnant.
Courts tend to be biased in favor of women / mothers in divorce proceedings; making a marriage that may not work out much riskier for the man. Also in recent years men have been discriminated against in the job market as companies are quick to make sure they have enough women and other "minorities" to be diverse. So many men don't have the same earning power to bring to the table.
And more specifically on the christian side: Christian teens of the 90's were bombarded with purity culture and courtship which made having sex outside of marriage the second unforgivable sin and a date almost equal to a proposal so suddenly the stakes were much higher for engaging with the opposite sex. Either they got into bad marriages just to have sex; they had sex and felt like they weren't acceptable to God and left the church, or they avoided romance to avoid temptation.
So now a lot of people shack up, or build their lives to ensure their own security, and treat a relationship as the cherry on top of life instead of the foundation that life is built on.
Divorces are easier and now so common that most churches won't look down on you for having one. But that means a lot of marriages don't last till death do us part.
Boys and girls of the past couple generations grew up in what was quite possibly the first mixed gender childhood where the girls and the boys were around each other socially and could be friends. And when genuine friendship is a possibility that just makes signals of interest harder to read. Previous generations if a guy talked to a girl he was interested in more than friendship because friendship wasn't really an option.
Women have plenty of career options these days, she doesn't have to get married to ensure her material needs are met. And there's birth control so she can sleep around without fear of becoming pregnant.
Courts tend to be biased in favor of women / mothers in divorce proceedings; making a marriage that may not work out much riskier for the man. Also in recent years men have been discriminated against in the job market as companies are quick to make sure they have enough women and other "minorities" to be diverse. So many men don't have the same earning power to bring to the table.
And more specifically on the christian side: Christian teens of the 90's were bombarded with purity culture and courtship which made having sex outside of marriage the second unforgivable sin and a date almost equal to a proposal so suddenly the stakes were much higher for engaging with the opposite sex. Either they got into bad marriages just to have sex; they had sex and felt like they weren't acceptable to God and left the church, or they avoided romance to avoid temptation.
So now a lot of people shack up, or build their lives to ensure their own security, and treat a relationship as the cherry on top of life instead of the foundation that life is built on.
Don't want to settle to someone that is not attractive.
"Attractive " means many things, such as desire, like, enjoy....
Don't want to marry just for marriage sake.
You make several thought-provoking points. I especially agree that our culture has gradually shifted the purpose of marriage. For many people today, marriage is no longer seen as a lifelong covenant or the foundation for building a family, but as something to pursue only if it adds to their personal happiness.
I also think technology, financial independence, and changing social expectations have all influenced the way people approach relationships.
Commitment often feels more optional than it did in previous generations.
From a Christian perspective, however, I believe the deepest issue is spiritual rather than cultural. When Christ is no longer at the center, it's easy for marriage to become centered on personal fulfillment instead of mutual sacrifice and service.
The biblical model has always been countercultural: two imperfect people making a lifelong covenant before God, not because it's easy, but because it reflects Christ's faithful love for His Church.
Culture changes, but God's design for marriage hasn't.
From practical side, I observed this is one of the reason we are still single.
Men in 50s 60s all want to marry girls that 10 and 20 years younger than them.
Women in 50s 60s all want to marry same age men.
So no matching haha
Men in 50s 60s all want to marry girls that 10 and 20 years younger than them.
Women in 50s 60s all want to marry same age men.
So no matching haha
You've asked several thought provoking questions that have encouraged my inner analytical nerd to come out and play.
I'm glad to hear that! Those are exactly the kinds of conversations I enjoy—where people think deeply, respectfully challenge ideas, and learn from one another. Looking forward to reading more of your thoughts.
You're writing some really awesome threads that inspire deeper conversations...
We're glad to have you here, and thank you for your positive contributions to the Singles Forum!
I'm learning from all of you. Thank you.You're writing some really awesome threads that inspire deeper conversations...
We're glad to have you here, and thank you for your positive contributions to the Singles Forum!
i was single for a long time because no one was interested lol.
It helps to understand the picture at the Garden of Eden. Marriage was part of God’s original design for humanity. Isn’t that interesting? The first marriage happened while Adam had a perfect, sinless relationship with God. Isn’t that interesting? In other words it wasn’t a lack of “God being enough” that made Him create Eve and put them together. God looked at Adam and said it wasn’t good for man to be alone.
Wait! You mean even when he was totally with God, Adam still needed someone else? Whoops.
Of course, what happened afterwards? Mankind rebelled, sin entered the world, and everything has been screwed up ever since. We live in a bad world, where bad things happen and life doesn’t always go our way. I’m sure many people are single because we simply live in a fallen world, not because it’s God’s gracious and generous Master Plan. I’ve often read that there’s more Christian women in the world than there are Christian men. If that’s broadly accurate, it means that not everyone will be able to marry. In Matthew 19 Jesus talks about singles (well, eunuchs), and he mentions a few different types. People who choose to live that way, people who are made that way by God, and people who are made that way by other men. So some people are single, and it’s not because they chose it or because God chose it. It’s just how life turned out.
Yes, God is good. But we live in a world that is not good.
Sometimes, when single Christians question why they're still single they'll get Christianese answers like "because it's not God's timing" or "not God's plan right now" or something like that. According to these people, God has one person for you that He's going to provide but just hasn’t done it yet. if you've listened to sermons about this, or read Christian books about this, you've probably encountered this idea.
You need to be "patient," because "God's ways are better than our ways." And God will bring you The One." You need to learn to "trust God's plan." You need to learn to "trust God's timing." Etc., etc. On and on the Christianese clichés and platitudes go.
They'll also try to use biblical examples, like Isaac and Rebekah, or Ruth and Boaz. So, yeah, if you're single, just send your servant to a well.
These people mean well, they do. usually, I'm sure, they're just trying to be comforting. It can also be a quick, easy, and painless way to exit an uncomfortable conversation. It might help you sleep better at night. But it probably won't help you find a spouse.
Of course, God never promised marriage to any of us. How can you trust God to fulfill a promise He never made to you?
A lot of people think that God is a Puppetmaster who's running every aspect of your love life. I doubt that, though. The people who believe that are, in my experience, people who met each other by coincidence (when they "stopped looking" as the cliché goes) and then got married at 21. Easy for them to say.
The Bible doesn't teach us anything about soulmates. See 1 Corinthians 7:39, for instance. And Jesus even says that that there is no marriage in Heaven. The idea of a "soulmate" comes from Greek philosophy and mythology. But the Bible doesn't mention it.
Also, when people tell you that "God has a plan" and that you just need to be more "patient," well, the funny thing about this sort of advice is that we don't give it in other life situations. What if you're homeless, or unemployed, or being abused, or sick? Are people going to tell you to just wait, be "content" with those situations, and wait for God to do everything for you? Probably not. When those sorts of things happen, is it because that's "God's plan" and God's best for you right now"? I would say no.
Another reason a lot of Christians might be single is because their belief in "The One" keeps them from working on their own stuff. Some of us might be single currently because of our (or other people’s) sin, insecurities and/or lack of ability to communicate with the opposite sex. It’s not anything that I’m doing, or the choices that I or others around me make. It’s all God’s fault, or God's plan, or something.
Besides, if marriage is entirely in "God's hands," then why has God suddenly decided to make people wait longer to get married. It used to be common, in ancient times and for a long time afterwards, for people to marry in their late teens and twenties. Then, in more modern times, it keeps getting pushed back. So God suddenly decided to make people wait longer to get married? Why? Does He want to "test" us more these days or something?
And why did God do away with betrothals and arranged marriages? Why did he have to invent the modern dating scene? Hahaha!
Attributing all this tuff to God can also be a way to hide things. Like disappointment with God. He hasn’t delivered me a spouse but it’s all good, He must have a different “plan." It can also keep us from dealing with our own stuff. "Waiting on God" often seems to mean, “I’m not doing anything wrong – it’s just that God hasn’t sent someone yet.” Yeah it couldn’t possibly have anything to do with me. Yikes!
I mean, if you're, say, 25 or older and you want to get married, but you're still single, and all you've done is "wait on God's timing," you should probably put some serious effort into it. It's probably not going to "just happen."
People will also tell you that, if you're currently single, the Good Christian Thing To Do is to learn to be "content" with it. The Bible doesn't say that, though. When Paul talks about "contentment in Philppians 4, he talks about being content in all things, not with all things. I think there's a difference. And, in 1 Corinthians 7, Paul doesn't say that if you're currently single you have to learn to be "content" with it. He says that if you're not content with it, then maybe you should get married. Paul does say that he, personally, is content with being single, and that he wishes that everyone was like him. But he also says that not everyone is like that.
What all does Paul say about singleness? In 1 Corinthians 7 Paul says he has no “commandment from God” about this. Paul says that he wishes that everyone was single like him ── not that God wishes it. He says that he, personally, is content with being single ── but he admits that not everyone is like that. He says that it’s good to stay single, but that it’s better to marry if you have strong desires. Paul “supposes” that it’s better to stay single because of “the present distress,” some crisis that the church in Corinth was dealing with at the time. He says you’re not sinning by marrying. Paul says a widow would be happier if she stayed single, but he admits that this is just a personal opinion. Evidently, many people are not happier being single. In 1 Timothy 4:1-3 Paul also condemns people who forbid marriage. And if Paul wrote the Book of Hebrews, then he also said that marriage is a good thing.
I think I've started rambling. Anyway, when people wonder why so many Christians are single today, I would not automatically assume that it's because of God's plan, or jump to similar conclusions along those lines.
Wait! You mean even when he was totally with God, Adam still needed someone else? Whoops.
Of course, what happened afterwards? Mankind rebelled, sin entered the world, and everything has been screwed up ever since. We live in a bad world, where bad things happen and life doesn’t always go our way. I’m sure many people are single because we simply live in a fallen world, not because it’s God’s gracious and generous Master Plan. I’ve often read that there’s more Christian women in the world than there are Christian men. If that’s broadly accurate, it means that not everyone will be able to marry. In Matthew 19 Jesus talks about singles (well, eunuchs), and he mentions a few different types. People who choose to live that way, people who are made that way by God, and people who are made that way by other men. So some people are single, and it’s not because they chose it or because God chose it. It’s just how life turned out.
Yes, God is good. But we live in a world that is not good.
Sometimes, when single Christians question why they're still single they'll get Christianese answers like "because it's not God's timing" or "not God's plan right now" or something like that. According to these people, God has one person for you that He's going to provide but just hasn’t done it yet. if you've listened to sermons about this, or read Christian books about this, you've probably encountered this idea.
You need to be "patient," because "God's ways are better than our ways." And God will bring you The One." You need to learn to "trust God's plan." You need to learn to "trust God's timing." Etc., etc. On and on the Christianese clichés and platitudes go.
They'll also try to use biblical examples, like Isaac and Rebekah, or Ruth and Boaz. So, yeah, if you're single, just send your servant to a well.
These people mean well, they do. usually, I'm sure, they're just trying to be comforting. It can also be a quick, easy, and painless way to exit an uncomfortable conversation. It might help you sleep better at night. But it probably won't help you find a spouse.
Of course, God never promised marriage to any of us. How can you trust God to fulfill a promise He never made to you?
A lot of people think that God is a Puppetmaster who's running every aspect of your love life. I doubt that, though. The people who believe that are, in my experience, people who met each other by coincidence (when they "stopped looking" as the cliché goes) and then got married at 21. Easy for them to say.
The Bible doesn't teach us anything about soulmates. See 1 Corinthians 7:39, for instance. And Jesus even says that that there is no marriage in Heaven. The idea of a "soulmate" comes from Greek philosophy and mythology. But the Bible doesn't mention it.
Also, when people tell you that "God has a plan" and that you just need to be more "patient," well, the funny thing about this sort of advice is that we don't give it in other life situations. What if you're homeless, or unemployed, or being abused, or sick? Are people going to tell you to just wait, be "content" with those situations, and wait for God to do everything for you? Probably not. When those sorts of things happen, is it because that's "God's plan" and God's best for you right now"? I would say no.
Another reason a lot of Christians might be single is because their belief in "The One" keeps them from working on their own stuff. Some of us might be single currently because of our (or other people’s) sin, insecurities and/or lack of ability to communicate with the opposite sex. It’s not anything that I’m doing, or the choices that I or others around me make. It’s all God’s fault, or God's plan, or something.
Besides, if marriage is entirely in "God's hands," then why has God suddenly decided to make people wait longer to get married. It used to be common, in ancient times and for a long time afterwards, for people to marry in their late teens and twenties. Then, in more modern times, it keeps getting pushed back. So God suddenly decided to make people wait longer to get married? Why? Does He want to "test" us more these days or something?
And why did God do away with betrothals and arranged marriages? Why did he have to invent the modern dating scene? Hahaha!
Attributing all this tuff to God can also be a way to hide things. Like disappointment with God. He hasn’t delivered me a spouse but it’s all good, He must have a different “plan." It can also keep us from dealing with our own stuff. "Waiting on God" often seems to mean, “I’m not doing anything wrong – it’s just that God hasn’t sent someone yet.” Yeah it couldn’t possibly have anything to do with me. Yikes!
I mean, if you're, say, 25 or older and you want to get married, but you're still single, and all you've done is "wait on God's timing," you should probably put some serious effort into it. It's probably not going to "just happen."
People will also tell you that, if you're currently single, the Good Christian Thing To Do is to learn to be "content" with it. The Bible doesn't say that, though. When Paul talks about "contentment in Philppians 4, he talks about being content in all things, not with all things. I think there's a difference. And, in 1 Corinthians 7, Paul doesn't say that if you're currently single you have to learn to be "content" with it. He says that if you're not content with it, then maybe you should get married. Paul does say that he, personally, is content with being single, and that he wishes that everyone was like him. But he also says that not everyone is like that.
What all does Paul say about singleness? In 1 Corinthians 7 Paul says he has no “commandment from God” about this. Paul says that he wishes that everyone was single like him ── not that God wishes it. He says that he, personally, is content with being single ── but he admits that not everyone is like that. He says that it’s good to stay single, but that it’s better to marry if you have strong desires. Paul “supposes” that it’s better to stay single because of “the present distress,” some crisis that the church in Corinth was dealing with at the time. He says you’re not sinning by marrying. Paul says a widow would be happier if she stayed single, but he admits that this is just a personal opinion. Evidently, many people are not happier being single. In 1 Timothy 4:1-3 Paul also condemns people who forbid marriage. And if Paul wrote the Book of Hebrews, then he also said that marriage is a good thing.
I think I've started rambling. Anyway, when people wonder why so many Christians are single today, I would not automatically assume that it's because of God's plan, or jump to similar conclusions along those lines.
The reason so many are single today, mostly because society is unstable, people are picky, choosy, not willing to settle, not willing to commit, not willing to stay in marriage.
Divorces alone creat a lot of singles.
Divorces alone creat a lot of singles.
You put so much effort into writing such a long passage, haha. Today I told God that I'll stay single if I never meet someone who meets my expectations in this life.It helps to understand the picture at the Garden of Eden. Marriage was part of God’s original design for humanity. Isn’t that interesting? The first marriage happened while Adam had a perfect, sinless relationship with God. Isn’t that interesting? In other words it wasn’t a lack of “God being enough” that made Him create Eve and put them together. God looked at Adam and said it wasn’t good for man to be alone.
Wait! You mean even when he was totally with God, Adam still needed someone else? Whoops.
Of course, what happened afterwards? Mankind rebelled, sin entered the world, and everything has been screwed up ever since. We live in a bad world, where bad things happen and life doesn’t always go our way. I’m sure many people are single because we simply live in a fallen world, not because it’s God’s gracious and generous Master Plan. I’ve often read that there’s more Christian women in the world than there are Christian men. If that’s broadly accurate, it means that not everyone will be able to marry. In Matthew 19 Jesus talks about singles (well, eunuchs), and he mentions a few different types. People who choose to live that way, people who are made that way by God, and people who are made that way by other men. So some people are single, and it’s not because they chose it or because God chose it. It’s just how life turned out.
Yes, God is good. But we live in a world that is not good.
Sometimes, when single Christians question why they're still single they'll get Christianese answers like "because it's not God's timing" or "not God's plan right now" or something like that. According to these people, God has one person for you that He's going to provide but just hasn’t done it yet. if you've listened to sermons about this, or read Christian books about this, you've probably encountered this idea.
You need to be "patient," because "God's ways are better than our ways." And God will bring you The One." You need to learn to "trust God's plan." You need to learn to "trust God's timing." Etc., etc. On and on the Christianese clichés and platitudes go.
They'll also try to use biblical examples, like Isaac and Rebekah, or Ruth and Boaz. So, yeah, if you're single, just send your servant to a well.
These people mean well, they do. usually, I'm sure, they're just trying to be comforting. It can also be a quick, easy, and painless way to exit an uncomfortable conversation. It might help you sleep better at night. But it probably won't help you find a spouse.
Of course, God never promised marriage to any of us. How can you trust God to fulfill a promise He never made to you?
A lot of people think that God is a Puppetmaster who's running every aspect of your love life. I doubt that, though. The people who believe that are, in my experience, people who met each other by coincidence (when they "stopped looking" as the cliché goes) and then got married at 21. Easy for them to say.
The Bible doesn't teach us anything about soulmates. See 1 Corinthians 7:39, for instance. And Jesus even says that that there is no marriage in Heaven. The idea of a "soulmate" comes from Greek philosophy and mythology. But the Bible doesn't mention it.
Also, when people tell you that "God has a plan" and that you just need to be more "patient," well, the funny thing about this sort of advice is that we don't give it in other life situations. What if you're homeless, or unemployed, or being abused, or sick? Are people going to tell you to just wait, be "content" with those situations, and wait for God to do everything for you? Probably not. When those sorts of things happen, is it because that's "God's plan" and God's best for you right now"? I would say no.
Another reason a lot of Christians might be single is because their belief in "The One" keeps them from working on their own stuff. Some of us might be single currently because of our (or other people’s) sin, insecurities and/or lack of ability to communicate with the opposite sex. It’s not anything that I’m doing, or the choices that I or others around me make. It’s all God’s fault, or God's plan, or something.
Besides, if marriage is entirely in "God's hands," then why has God suddenly decided to make people wait longer to get married. It used to be common, in ancient times and for a long time afterwards, for people to marry in their late teens and twenties. Then, in more modern times, it keeps getting pushed back. So God suddenly decided to make people wait longer to get married? Why? Does He want to "test" us more these days or something?
And why did God do away with betrothals and arranged marriages? Why did he have to invent the modern dating scene? Hahaha!
Attributing all this tuff to God can also be a way to hide things. Like disappointment with God. He hasn’t delivered me a spouse but it’s all good, He must have a different “plan." It can also keep us from dealing with our own stuff. "Waiting on God" often seems to mean, “I’m not doing anything wrong – it’s just that God hasn’t sent someone yet.” Yeah it couldn’t possibly have anything to do with me. Yikes!
I mean, if you're, say, 25 or older and you want to get married, but you're still single, and all you've done is "wait on God's timing," you should probably put some serious effort into it. It's probably not going to "just happen."
People will also tell you that, if you're currently single, the Good Christian Thing To Do is to learn to be "content" with it. The Bible doesn't say that, though. When Paul talks about "contentment in Philppians 4, he talks about being content in all things, not with all things. I think there's a difference. And, in 1 Corinthians 7, Paul doesn't say that if you're currently single you have to learn to be "content" with it. He says that if you're not content with it, then maybe you should get married. Paul does say that he, personally, is content with being single, and that he wishes that everyone was like him. But he also says that not everyone is like that.
What all does Paul say about singleness? In 1 Corinthians 7 Paul says he has no “commandment from God” about this. Paul says that he wishes that everyone was single like him ── not that God wishes it. He says that he, personally, is content with being single ── but he admits that not everyone is like that. He says that it’s good to stay single, but that it’s better to marry if you have strong desires. Paul “supposes” that it’s better to stay single because of “the present distress,” some crisis that the church in Corinth was dealing with at the time. He says you’re not sinning by marrying. Paul says a widow would be happier if she stayed single, but he admits that this is just a personal opinion. Evidently, many people are not happier being single. In 1 Timothy 4:1-3 Paul also condemns people who forbid marriage. And if Paul wrote the Book of Hebrews, then he also said that marriage is a good thing.
I think I've started rambling. Anyway, when people wonder why so many Christians are single today, I would not automatically assume that it's because of God's plan, or jump to similar conclusions along those lines.
That actually meets my new theory.
When not willing to settle, it is near impossible to marry.
There is no such person as perfect, if one absolutely wants to marry, he or she has to settle for some. Pick your battle.
That's true, yeah. I think we're often reluctant to make commitments because we wonder if there's a better "match" for us out there. But, theoretically, we could keep wondering that for eternity.
Of course, when we think about "matches" we tend to think about how the other person will be a good match for us. Less so the other way around, haha.
And we often get the idea that people should limit their co-ed relationships to candidates who they can "fast-track" to marriage. Of course, it takes time to get to know people.
Therefore in some culture, girls are pressured to find match to get married by 25 or no later than 30 is a good thing. The society is pushing people to settle down, no more looking.
Some just enjoy single, then let them be.
true story. i was 33, and he was 37 when we married.
before dating my husband, i was single for 5 years with no one asking me out. were guys interested? who knows. they never told me lol.
My theory is God stopped every one else, and pushed you 2 together.
Literally.
When God want 2 people to marry, God set up the time, place, social circle just right. No coincidence.
That's the reason scripture says, God put together, let man not to separate.
"Society" tells us all sorts of things. According to some people, "society" tells you that you're incomplete without a life partner. According to other people, "society" tells you that you don't need a life partner.
I don't care what "society" says about that. Personally, I do have the desire to be married. But I've had that on my own. "Society" didn't "brainwash" me or "pressure" me into having that desire.
Unfortunately, that's how some Christian commentators frame it sometimes.
But, for sure, I'm never going to pressure someone to get married if they prefer being single.