How is a husband to accept wife's suspicion

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tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
23,055
1,586
113
63
Florida
#21
My wife stated to me that "she doesn't believe that I'm cheating on her, nor does she really think I think she's cheating on me".
Oddly that's the only thing that comforts me about the cheating. I do love her, I just need to figure out how to get her to respect me. Without me coming off as being controlling, because I'm not.
Perhaps I was a bit hasty with my divorce recommendation but do feel that it is inappropriate for a married woman to be texting a guy. That's not a good sign. Have you asked her why she doe this knowing that it is hurting you and causing undue stress on the marriage? It would have been best for her to enter into marriage with her already respecting you. She would probably show some respect if she valued how you treat her but apparently she doesn't. My second marriage had stepchildren issues also (adults) and that was never really resolved. Her son tried to drive me into the ground. He didn't respect me either. In my opinion your entire marriage will probably be stressful and cause you great anguish. I hate to see any marriage end but since you only have 2 years invested into this marriage you may consider cutting your losses and move on.
 

AuntieAnt

Senior Member
Feb 23, 2016
3,908
335
83
#22
Hi brother scruffyraccoon. After reading this thread and the previous ones you posted, my heart goes out to you. Actually, you don't come off as controlling to me at all. In fact, it seems your emotions are taking your life out of control. Not that you don't have valid cause to be concerned about events in your life. But when we allow our impulsive feelings to rule us, we can’t make rational decisions or discern things wisely.

You will find some good advice on this site, but ultimately you will have to make the choice to overcome the anxiety in your life. I recommend professional counseling with a therapist who offers help regarding anxiety and/or depression. Someone who can teach you to put your hurts and fears into God's hands so you can see clearly the options you have to gain insight and maintain peace in your life.

Every single one of us gets temporarily blinded by fears, hurts and anxieties and we react in desperate, impulsive ways. That’s the flesh and it only makes our circumstances more chaotic. Guidance with an experienced therapist can help you to genuinely cast your cares (fears, hurts, anxieties) on the Lord and see Him showing you the way. A good therapist is one who can teach you the difference between “feelings” and “truth”. Once that’s accomplished, you’ll find you’re communicating more effectively with others and gaining integrity and respect in the process.

You have lots of options, don’t think you’re trapped. You can do anything in Christ because He is your strength literally. You just need to learn not to let your emotions rule over you so you can truly rest in the faithfulness of the Lord Jesus. Seek a good counselor to help you, brother so your life can be restored. You matter to the Lord and to the family of God. Grace and peace be yours, scruffyraccoon.
 

Lighthearted

Senior Member
Oct 17, 2016
1,017
74
48
#23
I read the first couple of posts but just cant keep going. Ive seen this in my own life and it makes me sick. The only people who can really decide what will happen in the end is The Lord, your wife, and you.
I think people only change if they are willing. If you do all you can to save your marriage...counseling, prayer etc...then theres nothing you can do. She may not want to change and have her cake and eat it all the way around. She may say she wants to make it work but drag it out for years without changing and that hurts too. Set a time line if you feel like giving it your all and see where things stand. Life is too short to stay in a one sided and loveless marriage even though its hard to end it when you love someone.
 
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Tommy379

Senior Member
Jan 12, 2016
6,446
419
83
#24
Get a lawyer now. I mean right damn now. You are about to get screwed, and not in the pleasant way. The laws are against the man. I've already been through this. I'm telling you, get a lawyer now.
 
Dec 15, 2017
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#25
I just left the church from having a counseling session with one of the pastor. He's all up for talking with my wife, and I just got off the phone with her and she's wanting to talk to pastor as well. Looks that God is moving us in a positive direction. the wife wants to wait for after the holidays, so things will stay calm for now.

God is an awesome God!
He's in our hearts and listens to our prayers!
 

Tommy379

Senior Member
Jan 12, 2016
6,446
419
83
#26
Get the lawyer anyways. Generally when a woman says something like she wants to wait, that is her buying time while she makes and implements her plan to leave.
 

Angela53510

Senior Member
Jan 24, 2011
9,946
772
113
#27
No the first post was not a joke. it was the reason why I posted to is if I can get some perspectives.
Regardless of what happens in my marriage I need to fix things with my FIL.
These are two separate issues.

The issue about the Facebook, is something that just happened in the last few weeks.

My pastor, pointed me to both sides of divorce.
As I mentioned before, he stated we are Christians that's why we put up with things.
In fact the Pastor, said that he is will to talk to my wife or find someone for her to talk to.
Or if we need help to see someone else out side of the church.

Your pastor stated to you that he thinks you would say, “we are Christians.” But, in your other posts, you basically say she has no interest at all in God, she texts and flirts on-line with men, she gets drunk, she is entitled, instead of being self sacrificing, as all Christians (male and female) should be, she will barely go to church, makes excuses like not liking the songs or the sermons being too long?? How is her prayer life? Does she read the Bible daily? These are things that are “signs” of being a Christian, although of course, you can do those things and still not be saved.

Why on earth would you think she is a Christian? Saying a sinner’s prayer at some point in your life does NOT make you a Christian. There has to be fruit - following Christ - loving him, serving your husband and family.

Woe! I hope things work out for you, but to me, the basic issue is that she is not saved, and you probably are not that on fire for God. I totally disagree with Tourist, and that if God called you to ministry, that is what you should have done, even if it meant being poor your whole life. Probably that is an issue you need to revisit. Not that you need to become a pastor, but just about what it means that you disobeyed God’s calling. (I’ve been through that myself, but that is another story). Of course, if it was just something you decided to do, that is a different story, you made the right decision. But, if God called you, and you walked away, look at the fruit in your life, too!

I would continue the marriage counseling, but remember there can be a honeymoon period at any point in a marriage. If she slips back into this kind of stuff, especially enabling an adult child, and generally being so worldly as to not be a Christian, I would seriously question staying with her.

I certainly would pray, but be careful, as someone pointed out, you are really hearing from God, and not your own wishful thinking.
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#28
Wait. You're the same guy who said your father in law was being racist towards you and your wife sided with him for getting mad at you when you complained.
Well, all this certainly changes that story. No wonder he dislikes you. Almost definitely she's talking bad about you to him. And of course she sided with him. She dislikes you too.
So many hugely important details left out if that other thread. It makes everything so obvious and clear finding out the rest of the story. I'm almost tempted to ask if that first post was a joke.
And, probably many hugely important details left out of this one too. For instance -- her side of this story.

I knew a woman who could have told this heart-rendering story of how her husband beat her every weekend. She really did think she was a martyr, staying for her children, and to listen to her, she would have portrayed that perfectly.

But the truth is every night he came home, she spent the night yelling at him. He tuned her out. So on Saturday, she did the same thing to her kids all day, and then him. And when he refused to bite, she'd pull out the frying pan and slam him in the head with it. THEN he'd beat her.

We're always hearing just one side of the story, and told always from a victim's viewpoint. Listen carefully, and the other side sneaks in too. I'm not saying there is violence in this marriage, but it is clear both sides aren't giving an inch on what they demand from the other one.

Two people walked right into this marriage understanding, "It's my way or the highway." And the highway was never a toll road.
 
Dec 15, 2017
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#29
Venting again...

This morning I get ready for work. I took the the dog out and got him feed and woke up the up our daughter. I head to the bedroom to grab a pair of socks. I saw that my wife was still sleeping, so snuggle right next to her. To get some warmth, and to wake her up to start her day. I rubbed her back and her legs nothing sexual in the massage but in a loving way. I asked if she can hold me and press against me, just for a minute before I continue getting ready and she needs to start. She turned around and laid there as i held her, i noticed that her arms and hands were not on me. She then said that she needed to get up, and that I'm making her late. I said that's okay because i need to get to work as well. The I said "can i ask you something"? she was okay with me and said "yes". I told her "I know we are both busy, i asked if you can hold me for a minute. I noticed that I was the holding you, Im truly trying to make things good between us but I can if you don't want to reciprocate". I went to grab my socks and she said "it only took 8 hours". "What took 8 hours?" "You picking a fight with me". "I'm not picking a fight I just told you about an observation." She then starts to tell me how much she hates me, and that I need to sleep in the other room tonight. That I'm making her late because of the conversation transpiring, all while she is wrapped in the sheets. I wasn't holding her down (to stop her from getting up and ready) or arguing back, just listening to her. she mentioned that she can't deal with any of "this", I asked what is "this?" I told her that there has been a wedge between us since the messaging incident that was on her behalf.

When I was about to leave I went up to her and said that I'm heading to work. I told her "I'm know that you told that you hate me, but can we keep a few things consistent?" "What do you mean?" "Can I get a kiss goodbye?" Then she starts up again, that I'm an asshole and taking up her time. I told her that I love her, and that i'm heading to work. On my way out I said good bye to my daughter and wish her luck on her second day of finals.

I get to work and get a message from her:
"[FONT=&quot]Thank you for making sure we will be late. Glad you will be at work nice and early. Even when I refuse to engage in your taunting, Im still screwed. Idk how to deal with you. [/FONT][FONT=Neue Haas Grotesk Text, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Dont text me anything making statements about us and our disinigrating relationship then turn around and be a jerk. No more fake texts!"[/FONT]

[FONT=Neue Haas Grotesk Text, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Her fake text that she is referring to is mine from yesterday, that she never responded to:
i had whispered this into her ear yesterday, later on in the day I asked about her commute and secret Santa stuff and ended the text with what I had whispered in her ear.
[/FONT]"I'm wanting to create something beautiful between us, something long lasting. I want to show you how much I love you."

[FONT=Neue Haas Grotesk Text, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]All this came from asking if she could hold me for a minute. :-|

I keep tell myself to be patient that God has a plan for us.
That yesterday she agreed to counseling, now I'm wondering if we are going to make it through Christmas.

Just venting...
[/FONT]
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#30
Perhaps I was a bit hasty with my divorce recommendation but do feel that it is inappropriate for a married woman to be texting a guy. That's not a good sign. Have you asked her why she doe this knowing that it is hurting you and causing undue stress on the marriage? It would have been best for her to enter into marriage with her already respecting you. She would probably show some respect if she valued how you treat her but apparently she doesn't. My second marriage had stepchildren issues also (adults) and that was never really resolved. Her son tried to drive me into the ground. He didn't respect me either. In my opinion your entire marriage will probably be stressful and cause you great anguish. I hate to see any marriage end but since you only have 2 years invested into this marriage you may consider cutting your losses and move on.
Funny you say that in a few ways:
1. Yes, you do go with "divorce her" as your starting counsel most of the time.

2. The last time hubby feared I was thinking about cheating was when he was in rehab. He was getting stronger and stronger each day, so there was no doubts, (by then), he was coming home fairly soon, but it was a VA nursing home, so who else lived there but other vets? One woman out of everyone who was living there long-term or short-term. And, I still smoke, so would go out to have a smoke every 90 minutes. (I even went out there during those few days I quit smoking, just because there was no other place to go. lol)

There's only one place anyone could smoke, and I spent months going out for that cig or two, (sometimes I was kicked out so nurses could work on him. lol) So, sure enough, me being me and all, I became friends with a couple of the guys. And, guys being guys and all, one did try and talk up having sex, but, eww, ewww! (And those really were the words I used. lol) As usual, once shot down, we remained friends. He wasn't ever going home. I was never thinking in those terms, and that is the guy hubby thought I might cheat with the last time. Ew ew! Nice guy, but I only have one type, he's one of a kind, and I married him.

Talking to guys isn't always off the charts for what wives can do. You do get we can deal with advances ourselves, right? And somewhere along the way, we made up our own minds of what we should or shouldn't do. If JL was texting a guy, would you think she was cheating on you? Either men should trust their wives, or shouldn't. That's really for a man to decide, and for the man to decide with his wife only. But, likewise, if you do trust your wife, truly trust her. I agree with you when it comes to JL. She is trustworthy. What ever you and she decide together on the issue of conversing with other guys is your and her's decision. But to go off and tell another guy what his wife should or shouldn't do?

Speaking as a faithful wife, it bothers me as much as it bothers me that your first counsel is often to divorce.

And the reason you telling people to divorce bothers me is because I just happen to know you have a good and faithful wife yourself. What is that saying about her and to her, if she reads this?

I really do get divorce is valid advice, but only if we learn enough about what's happening in that marriage to see it as that. Right now all these two people have is suspicion. And they've both been suspicious since they were dating. Even as I write this, I know Raccoon is looking at something he thinks is a ray of sunshine. (Not quite sure why a promise of future counseling is a ray of sunshine since there has been plenty of history on how counseling goes with them, but it's Christmas time, so a time for hoping for miracles.) But, seriously, this marriage has remained the same since before they were married, so it's not time to go with divorce.

And you really should know that two years invested in a marriage means something significant. It doesn't mean "jump ship."
 
Dec 15, 2017
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#31
Lynn,
I think I mentioned at one point my wife text my brothers.
When my brother's confronted me about what she had text, there was nothing different.
My brother said , why did she text us when there wasn't a change in the story from what you told us?
I told them I have no idea, maybe she thinks I'm not telling both point of views or how things happened.

(The text that she sent was in reference of why she had called the police)
my brother didn't show me what she wrote, because they said she was brutal in the text.
I told them that, she does that to me there isn't a filter on her side.

I'm posting this because I know that my wife isn't defending her actions here.
But I'm telling the narrative of everything being truthful.
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#32
Venting again...

This morning I get ready for work. I took the the dog out and got him feed and woke up the up our daughter. I head to the bedroom to grab a pair of socks. I saw that my wife was still sleeping, so snuggle right next to her. To get some warmth, and to wake her up to start her day. I rubbed her back and her legs nothing sexual in the massage but in a loving way. I asked if she can hold me and press against me, just for a minute before I continue getting ready and she needs to start. She turned around and laid there as i held her, i noticed that her arms and hands were not on me. She then said that she needed to get up, and that I'm making her late. I said that's okay because i need to get to work as well. The I said "can i ask you something"? she was okay with me and said "yes". I told her "I know we are both busy, i asked if you can hold me for a minute. I noticed that I was the holding you, Im truly trying to make things good between us but I can if you don't want to reciprocate". I went to grab my socks and she said "it only took 8 hours". "What took 8 hours?" "You picking a fight with me". "I'm not picking a fight I just told you about an observation." She then starts to tell me how much she hates me, and that I need to sleep in the other room tonight. That I'm making her late because of the conversation transpiring, all while she is wrapped in the sheets. I wasn't holding her down (to stop her from getting up and ready) or arguing back, just listening to her. she mentioned that she can't deal with any of "this", I asked what is "this?" I told her that there has been a wedge between us since the messaging incident that was on her behalf.

When I was about to leave I went up to her and said that I'm heading to work. I told her "I'm know that you told that you hate me, but can we keep a few things consistent?" "What do you mean?" "Can I get a kiss goodbye?" Then she starts up again, that I'm an asshole and taking up her time. I told her that I love her, and that i'm heading to work. On my way out I said good bye to my daughter and wish her luck on her second day of finals.

I get to work and get a message from her:
"Thank you for making sure we will be late. Glad you will be at work nice and early. Even when I refuse to engage in your taunting, Im still screwed. Idk how to deal with you. Dont text me anything making statements about us and our disinigrating relationship then turn around and be a jerk. No more fake texts!"

Her fake text that she is referring to is mine from yesterday, that she never responded to:
i had whispered this into her ear yesterday, later on in the day I asked about her commute and secret Santa stuff and ended the text with what I had whispered in her ear.
"I'm wanting to create something beautiful between us, something long lasting. I want to show you how much I love you."

All this came from asking if she could hold me for a minute. :-|

I keep tell myself to be patient that God has a plan for us.
That yesterday she agreed to counseling, now I'm wondering if we are going to make it through Christmas.

Just venting...
Holy cow! Watching you is like watching someone turning on hot water, then cold, then hot, then cold, all to see if it is exchanged just right to make it fill the sink.

She's given you until after the holidays. SHE gave you that.

I got something for you to try for just that same length of time. Instead of harping on everything she does wrong and everything you do right, how about this for a plan just for the next 12 days?

Remember why you married her! Every time you see her, see only what you love about her. Every time you want to do something, do something for the woman you loved -- her. Not to get anything out of it, just for her only. If she likes pancakes for breakfast, make pancakes for her. If she hates folding laundry, fold laundry for her. If she hates taking the dog out for that last walk at 11 PM, you walk the dog for her. Keep focusing on her. What's good about her, what she needs, memories of good times, and only good ones. Always focus on the good side of her, but not to get anything out of it. After all, you married her to be with her because you love something about her and wanted her for the rest of your life for her, not just as another piece for your collection.

Do not give her what she doesn't want. (You want cuddle time. She DOES NOT and you know this. You want her to go to church with you because you want it, not her.) Give only what she wants, and give it out of your love.

Just for 12 days. That's all. Because frankly you're so consumed with what you want, she's not wrong. You did start a fight a mere 8 hours after she did something for you. And so consumed that you think this is your rant thread now.

No. Seriously. Marriage is because we want to love and help that person we married for the rest of our lives. Love and help her the way she wants for the next 12 days, while focusing back again to the good side of her, instead of constantly picking at the bad side like it's a scab.
 
Dec 15, 2017
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#33
Lynn,
Divorce is not for me as an option. I know that we struggle with things in our lives. They are just obstacles, and we need to see what God will provide for us after. I don't want to be hasty, I'm just trying to figure out how to deal with my wife in my marriage. Although, if she tells me let's file for divorce I won't fight her on it.


I feel bad for posting about the pastor helping with a divorce. Keep in mind that he has heard my troubles and have been dealing with issues with other people. At one counseling session he said, from what i'm telling him and our behavior that we have about 2 to 5 years unless we get things corrected. He said that I could be trying until the day I die to win my wife's heart and without her reciprocating. I have gone to non biblical counseling in the past, and my pastor has said that he suggest both biblical and non biblical. Just that we we need to get help.

The way my wife might see things...
I'm asking help on a perspective on how i'm dealing with my wife.
Maybe I'm being blind on thinking that things can change.
I love my wife, yes she upsets me or doesn't make me feel loved or wanted.
- she says that "i'm needy", when I talk to other people about this they say I shouldn't allow anyone to tell me that I'm needy.
- was the morning hug a "needy thing?"
Overall, I think we can get back to where we both love each other wholeheartedly.
- this comes with putting God first and then working on each other
 
Dec 4, 2017
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#34
Funny you say that in a few ways:
1. Yes, you do go with "divorce her" as your starting counsel most of the time.

2. The last time hubby feared I was thinking about cheating was when he was in rehab. He was getting stronger and stronger each day, so there was no doubts, (by then), he was coming home fairly soon, but it was a VA nursing home, so who else lived there but other vets? One woman out of everyone who was living there long-term or short-term. And, I still smoke, so would go out to have a smoke every 90 minutes. (I even went out there during those few days I quit smoking, just because there was no other place to go. lol)

There's only one place anyone could smoke, and I spent months going out for that cig or two, (sometimes I was kicked out so nurses could work on him. lol) So, sure enough, me being me and all, I became friends with a couple of the guys. And, guys being guys and all, one did try and talk up having sex, but, eww, ewww! (And those really were the words I used. lol) As usual, once shot down, we remained friends. He wasn't ever going home. I was never thinking in those terms, and that is the guy hubby thought I might cheat with the last time. Ew ew! Nice guy, but I only have one type, he's one of a kind, and I married him.

Talking to guys isn't always off the charts for what wives can do. You do get we can deal with advances ourselves, right? And somewhere along the way, we made up our own minds of what we should or shouldn't do. If JL was texting a guy, would you think she was cheating on you? Either men should trust their wives, or shouldn't. That's really for a man to decide, and for the man to decide with his wife only. But, likewise, if you do trust your wife, truly trust her. I agree with you when it comes to JL. She is trustworthy. What ever you and she decide together on the issue of conversing with other guys is your and her's decision. But to go off and tell another guy what his wife should or shouldn't do?

Speaking as a faithful wife, it bothers me as much as it bothers me that your first counsel is often to divorce.

And the reason you telling people to divorce bothers me is because I just happen to know you have a good and faithful wife yourself. What is that saying about her and to her, if she reads this?

I really do get divorce is valid advice, but only if we learn enough about what's happening in that marriage to see it as that. Right now all these two people have is suspicion. And they've both been suspicious since they were dating. Even as I write this, I know Raccoon is looking at something he thinks is a ray of sunshine. (Not quite sure why a promise of future counseling is a ray of sunshine since there has been plenty of history on how counseling goes with them, but it's Christmas time, so a time for hoping for miracles.) But, seriously, this marriage has remained the same since before they were married, so it's not time to go with divorce.

And you really should know that two years invested in a marriage means something significant. It doesn't mean "jump ship."

Its best not to overly invest in the nuances of an internet posters life.
Especially one that may just be fabricating a script
 
Dec 15, 2017
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#35
Lynn,
Thank you for your post on this.
You are right about the hot cold comment, I keep praying and I keep getting the message to keep trying.
I know that my wife gets frustrated with me, but I need to keep trying.
Suspicion is a bad thing to battle, as I told my wife before. It's the little things that don't add up. So when something happens, then the little action is what make a person wonder.

As I mentioned, I love my wife I just don't understand her action at times. I told the pastor, that that I want to concentrate on making things great again in my marriage. I glimpse of hope is that she will go to counseling, and we can work on our communication with each other. That we can put God first and let God's plan for us be our foundation. I talk to her about God and some of the teaching that i read or receive, but she doesn't have trust that we will follow through.

I'm not sure what your posting is about:
"Its best not to overly invest in the nuances of an internet posters life.
Especially one that may just be fabricating a script"

- are you implying that my situation is made up?
I came here to get guidance from other believers in Christ.
I work with non-believers, and their advise is very disappointing.
- that's not in my demeanor or the way that God would want me to handle my marriage issues.
 
Dec 15, 2017
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#36
thank you AuntieAnt.
"You have lots of options, don’t think you’re trapped. You can do anything in Christ because He is your strength literally."

I know that all things can be over come through Christ. I'm trying my best, and I know the direction that I need to focus on through God.
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#37
Lynn,
Divorce is not for me as an option. I know that we struggle with things in our lives. They are just obstacles, and we need to see what God will provide for us after. I don't want to be hasty, I'm just trying to figure out how to deal with my wife in my marriage. Although, if she tells me let's file for divorce I won't fight her on it.


I feel bad for posting about the pastor helping with a divorce. Keep in mind that he has heard my troubles and have been dealing with issues with other people. At one counseling session he said, from what i'm telling him and our behavior that we have about 2 to 5 years unless we get things corrected. He said that I could be trying until the day I die to win my wife's heart and without her reciprocating. I have gone to non biblical counseling in the past, and my pastor has said that he suggest both biblical and non biblical. Just that we we need to get help.

The way my wife might see things...
I'm asking help on a perspective on how i'm dealing with my wife.
Maybe I'm being blind on thinking that things can change.
I love my wife, yes she upsets me or doesn't make me feel loved or wanted.
- she says that "i'm needy", when I talk to other people about this they say I shouldn't allow anyone to tell me that I'm needy.
- was the morning hug a "needy thing?"
Overall, I think we can get back to where we both love each other wholeheartedly.
- this comes with putting God first and then working on each other
Just show her you love her the way she wants to be loved, and don't expect anything in return.

Whenever I start thinking what he owes me, I start twisting everything to fit what I want. When I go back to loving him the way he wants to be loved, everything makes so much more sense. No expectations of what I get out of it. It's all about loving him.
 
Dec 15, 2017
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#39
My wife is just lost at the moment. I'm hoping that she can be guided back, our commonality in our marriage was God. You don't have to get baptized every single time that you stray away from God. We ask for forgiveness and be more Christ like. In the other hand we don't sin thinking that all we need to do is ask for forgiveness. That's not the way to be Christ like, God would consider that hurtful.

"I still believe in God, but God no longer believe in me"
- I remember this from a song in my teens, it never settled with me well.
- God knows our hearts so regardless of our actions, he knows what us very well.

Angela - you are judging my devotion to God?
So Christian people die from illnesses, that because they are not "on fire for God?"
- they didn't pray hard enough?

I grew up poor Angela, I told myself at a young age that I want to do something with my life. I told myself I wasn't going to follow the path of fellow tribal remembers (drinking/drugs). I still help in my church and had started out reach programs for youth and young couples. I help the ministry by being involved and with tithing (money that God is in control from the jib that he has given me).

I'm still on the road to continue counseling.
I'll keep a smile and be positive and caring with my wife.

God bless us all.