Verbally abusive husband

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maxwel

Senior Member
Apr 18, 2013
8,655
1,867
113
#41
as a woman, I could be offended but I am not, because I know what men here often say

no need to apologize but thanks anyway

what I am, is concerned for any woman suffering abuse and asking for advice and being told there there just pray and or fast

the church covers up the sin of its congregation far too often and men have got away with far too much when it comes to abusing women

God might take offense at the way women are often portrayed. men should spend a year or two as a woman suffering abuse

the counsel would take on a completely different outcome

and notice I never mentionned divorce

not offended...thanks for your apology though :)

I wasn't apologizing for my views, or my counsel.

I was apologizing if you felt I was impolite to you.
It wasn't my intention to be impolite.

But I will stand behind everything I said regarding counseling advice.
It isn't normative to suggest someone call the police on their husband because he simply says unkind things and has a bad attitude.
That's really odd advice.
Not only that, you're venturing into legal advice... and even attorneys don't just arbitrarily give out legal advice to people they've never met.
And it is especially bad advice when we don't know the woman, we don't know the husband, we don't know any of their history, and we don't really have any idea what is really going on at all.

We have NO IDEA what is really going on... and you're telling her to call the police.

It is seldom a good idea to give too much SPECIFIC advice to someone you don't really know.
That is why the OP needs to get some kind of local counseling.
If her pastor isn't a good pastor, then she can get counseling somewhere else.
But she needs counsel from someone local.

We are not in a position to really assess her situation, therefore we are not in a position to give too much specific counsel.

Someone locally, that she can meet and talk to... that would be a person in a position to do a more thorough assessment.

..
 

7seasrekeyed

Senior Member
Aug 27, 2017
8,064
3,440
113
#42
I wasn't apologizing for my views, or my counsel.

I was apologizing if you felt I was impolite to you.
It wasn't my intention to be impolite.

But I will stand behind everything I said regarding counseling advice.
It isn't normative to suggest someone call the police on their husband because he simply says unkind things and has a bad attitude.
That's really odd advice.
Not only that, you're venturing into legal advice... and even attorneys don't just arbitrarily give out legal advice to people they've never met.
And it is especially bad advice when we don't know the woman, we don't know the husband, we don't know any of their history, and we don't really have any idea what is really going on at all.

We have NO IDEA what is really going on... and you're telling her to call the police.

It is seldom a good idea to give too much SPECIFIC advice to someone you don't really know.
That is why the OP needs to get some kind of local counseling.
If her pastor isn't a good pastor, then she can get counseling somewhere else.
But she needs counsel from someone local.

We are not in a position to really assess her situation, therefore we are not in a position to give too much specific counsel.

Someone locally, that she can meet and talk to... that would be a person in a position to do a more thorough assessment.

..

do you have a sense of humor?

this is what I think you are doing



and I will take the heat for daring to object to your advice even though I did not quote you specifically and now it's all about you and me

we'll just leave it at 'all about you'

don't fall off that soapbox
 

7seasrekeyed

Senior Member
Aug 27, 2017
8,064
3,440
113
#43
to the op:

I only pray you do seek help and you do need a third party to at least be a witness to the situation

hugs and God bless you
 

7seasrekeyed

Senior Member
Aug 27, 2017
8,064
3,440
113
#44
oh sorry. one more leetle thing

We have NO IDEA...well she was pretty specific actually... what is really going on... and you're telling her to call the police.
you betcha

'fin'
 

Absolutely

Well-known member
Jul 23, 2018
2,909
719
113
#45
I have a 12 years old daughter and I recently (2 years ago) married a guy who was supposedly christian. We went to church together, read the Bible. After our marriage when we moved in together in our new condo, he started to change. He started to be verbally abusive, not just towards me but my daughter as well. He called us names, putting me and my daughter down, to the point when my daughter is "afraid" of him, not because he would ever physically hit her ( which he never did and would never do) but because of the yelling, name calling etc. We are walking on eggshells at home.....not knowing what we come home to. And it is getting worse and worse. Now he swears with God's name, calling me names...it's awful. He stopped coming to the church with us and now I'm at the point when I don't know what to do. I don't care how ignorant, rude, or un-loving he is towards me (which is very depressing) but it's very hurtful and unacceptable how he is towards my daughter. I don't want him to "ruin" her with his controlling and putting down attitude.....I'm so lost what to do. I know this is not a reason to get divorce, but what about my daughter? I can't have this man ruin her! ☹️
IMO.....RUN FOR YOUR LIFE.

Unless misery is your friend.
 

maxwel

Senior Member
Apr 18, 2013
8,655
1,867
113
#46
do you have a sense of humor?

this is what I think you are doing



and I will take the heat for daring to object to your advice even though I did not quote you specifically and now it's all about you and me

A. I think I have a sense of humor... as far as I know

B. I hope you always feel comfortable objecting to anything I say on any topic... I can still appreciate your good intentions even though you're an extremely opinionated woman who thinks I'm an unfeeling, out-of-touch, condescending man, with no counseling experience, no idea what he's talking about, and no sense of humor.

That would only hurt my feelings if I had feelings... so we're good.

C. And I gladly welcome any kind of ridicule... as long as it's funny.


Take care.
 

7seasrekeyed

Senior Member
Aug 27, 2017
8,064
3,440
113
#47
A. I think I have a sense of humor... as far as I know

B. I hope you always feel comfortable objecting to anything I say on any topic... I can still appreciate your good intentions even though you're an extremely opinionated woman who thinks I'm an unfeeling, out-of-touch, condescending man, with no counseling experience, no idea what he's talking about, and no sense of humor.

That would only hurt my feelings if I had feelings... so we're good.

C. And I gladly welcome any kind of ridicule... as long as it's funny.


Take care.

oh my. I hope this meets your criteria




and he said good intentions :sneaky:
 

darej

New member
Jul 19, 2019
18
6
3
#48
Ohhh boy...i didnt intend to cause arguments here. :) I understand both sides.......but i think everybody has to see her own situation. I know my life is not in a direct danger....but in another case the woman might be better off calling the police and not start with counselling because the husband is ready to flip and be physically abusive. Every situation is different and I think both advise is acceptable, but in my situation i dont believe the police should be involved. My life is not in direct danger....even though it is....... but "only" mentally and emotionally. But thank you all for the grate advise!
 

maxwel

Senior Member
Apr 18, 2013
8,655
1,867
113
#49
Ohhh boy...i didnt intend to cause arguments here. :) I understand both sides.......but i think everybody has to see her own situation. I know my life is not in a direct danger....but in another case the woman might be better off calling the police and not start with counselling because the husband is ready to flip and be physically abusive. Every situation is different and I think both advise is acceptable, but in my situation i dont believe the police should be involved. My life is not in direct danger....even though it is....... but "only" mentally and emotionally. But thank you all for the grate advise!
It's ok... we always do this.

Welcome to cc.

:)
 

7seasrekeyed

Senior Member
Aug 27, 2017
8,064
3,440
113
#50
I learned a long time ago, in an even worse abusive situation, that humor can diffuse a hot mess man who wants, at the moment, to rid the planet of your presence

which led, after my departure, to my education in counselling...and based in scripture

God is good!
 

Absolutely

Well-known member
Jul 23, 2018
2,909
719
113
#51
IMO.....RUN FOR YOUR LIFE.

Unless misery is your friend.
BTW, You should always talk to his mother b4 you marry him.
I bet his dad did the same thing to mom.
I fell into that model. I re-enacted my dads behavior. It is called beligerant.
I totally came out of that meat grinder and now can spot it a mile off.
Get a hold of mom,and i bet you find the root of his behavior.
I would not let on about her son,just ask a lot of questions about his dad(her husband)
Might be a clue.
 

7seasrekeyed

Senior Member
Aug 27, 2017
8,064
3,440
113
#52
Ohhh boy...i didnt intend to cause arguments here. :) I understand both sides.......but i think everybody has to see her own situation. I know my life is not in a direct danger....but in another case the woman might be better off calling the police and not start with counselling because the husband is ready to flip and be physically abusive. Every situation is different and I think both advise is acceptable, but in my situation i dont believe the police should be involved. My life is not in direct danger....even though it is....... but "only" mentally and emotionally. But thank you all for the grate advise!
you didn't cause anything

I gave my best advice and the police would advise you that verbal abuse is also considered report worthy

sigh. statistis would tell you that every situation is pretty much the same with abusers of either sex other than men tend to do more physical harm simply because they can

my only desire is for you to be out of harm's way and I totally understand how you feel and what your thoughts are

as someone who grew up in a home with plenty of verbal abuse, I know the effects for your daughter. my dad was gentle but my mother was a steamroller. I loved them both and was torn between them and felt like some sort of anomaly in a world where people were supposed to show love and not put their child in the middle (my mother did that)

in either case, everyone here does hope and pray the best for you and your daughter. even for your husband

God can and does intervene but a person has to be willing.

it takes alot to change your way of being, of thinking and acting
 

Absolutely

Well-known member
Jul 23, 2018
2,909
719
113
#53
I'll tell you something else.
Certain women are masters at antagonizing a man.
Then when the inevitable gasket blows in the man,she says "a good christian man would not behave that way"
Be sure you are not doing that.
 

7seasrekeyed

Senior Member
Aug 27, 2017
8,064
3,440
113
#54
I'll tell you something else.
Certain women are masters at antagonizing a man.
Then when the inevitable gasket blows in the man,she says "a good christian man would not behave that way"
Be sure you are not doing that.

right

women can be very manipulative

op...PLEASE do not take that personal...not about you

works the other way too. quite the guilt trip. I personally heard 'and you call yourself a Christian'

called 'baiting'

best to walk away and in some cases keep walking.

we are all such frail little beasties and so need God to straighten us out...our hearts often do not know themselves
 

maxwel

Senior Member
Apr 18, 2013
8,655
1,867
113
#55
I learned a long time ago, in an even worse abusive situation, that humor can diffuse a hot mess man who wants, at the moment, to rid the planet of your presence

which led, after my departure, to my education in counselling...and based in scripture

God is good!
Humor is good.

Humor can diffuse all kinds of situations.

In my experience, humor is even good with a musclebound, hairy, Russian weightlifter.... woman.

..


..
 

7seasrekeyed

Senior Member
Aug 27, 2017
8,064
3,440
113
#56
Humor is good.

Humor can diffuse all kinds of situations.

In my experience, humor is even good with a musclebound, hairy, Russian weightlifter.... woman.

..


..

oh

do you have one of those? :eek:
 

7seasrekeyed

Senior Member
Aug 27, 2017
8,064
3,440
113
#58
No, but I think I met one online.

..
well, there yah go again

you think but you are not sure

still unqualified

maybe we should take this to miscellaneous

hijacking a thread is not the best thing

in the meantime, here is an acquarium to watch. supposed to help quiet bad nerves


 

darej

New member
Jul 19, 2019
18
6
3
#59
I'll tell you something else.
Certain women are masters at antagonizing a man.
Then when the inevitable gasket blows in the man,she says "a good christian man would not behave that way
Be sure you are not doing that.
No...I absolutely and 100% not doing that. He had issues before he met me and his whole family knows that. 😊
 

Subhumanoidal

Well-known member
Sep 17, 2018
1,386
1,180
113
#60
Hello. Thank you for your reply. I know that what you wrote is all true.....I guess its just hard to make the right decision....or THE DECISION. I know that this environment is not good for my daughter, and i worried about her the most. She is more important to me than him. But i love him as well, and i know our marriage was from God. And its just confuse me even more.........I just dont understand why God would "put me" in this situation? Or maybe it could've worked, if my husband has a soft heart and he humble himself? He could've been changed by God's power? As i know, its nothing impossible to God. He can change him....he is the only one who can change him........but God will not force him........my husband has to make the first step...... :-(
I find many people want to insist something is of God, even as it doesn't work out. So your suggestion is that God purposefully and willfully put you, and your daughter, in a situation to be degraded and permanently damaged, because his will was that you are to be with this man? I'm not following that logic. Did God somehow not know that things would go this way?
Obviously God allows people to go through things, but when people want to claim something like a marriage that God put together, that ends in abuse and possibly divorce, i find myself doubting. I see it all the time (and have been guilty of it myself) convincing myself something was from God, because that's the answer i most wanted to believe. But eventually i had to accept that it simply was not true.
God didn't 'put you' anywhere. You made a choice. You even say yourself 'God will not force him' yet when it comes to the decision you made it's 'God put me here'? No. You put you there.

Really, it's not confusing at all, your emotions are merely making it hard for you to see. Removing the emotion that you feel, and making the idea much clearer... You chose to be with this man, God did not make you. He turned out to be a bad guy. Now you and your daughter are being damaged and broken. It's up to you to decide to Act on the statement that your daughter means more, and not just say it. It's not at all your fault that things happened this way, or that your husband turned out the way he did. But there comes a point where the blame falls squarely on you for not choosing to remove yourself and your daughter from it. Either you choose to protect the child God has entrusted you with, or you take the consequences of the results of what happens to her in the long run.

And i don't mean to sound harsh, but when strong emotions are involved it takes strong words to cut through them for people to see the reality of things. I am 100% on your side. And your daughters. If i wasn't i wouldn't have said anything at all.