Verbally abusive husband

  • Christian Chat is a moderated online Christian community allowing Christians around the world to fellowship with each other in real time chat via webcam, voice, and text, with the Christian Chat app. You can also start or participate in a Bible-based discussion here in the Christian Chat Forums, where members can also share with each other their own videos, pictures, or favorite Christian music.

    If you are a Christian and need encouragement and fellowship, we're here for you! If you are not a Christian but interested in knowing more about Jesus our Lord, you're also welcome! Want to know what the Bible says, and how you can apply it to your life? Join us!

    To make new Christian friends now around the world, click here to join Christian Chat.

darej

New member
Jul 19, 2019
18
6
3
#61
I find many people want to insist something is of God, even as it doesn't work out. So your suggestion is that God purposefully and willfully put you, and your daughter, in a situation to be degraded and permanently damaged, because his will was that you are to be with this man? I'm not following that logic. Did God somehow not know that things would go this way?
Obviously God allows people to go through things, but when people want to claim something like a marriage that God put together, that ends in abuse and possibly divorce, i find myself doubting. I see it all the time (and have been guilty of it myself) convincing myself something was from God, because that's the answer i most wanted to believe. But eventually i had to accept that it simply was not true.
God didn't 'put you' anywhere. You made a choice. You even say yourself 'God will not force him' yet when it comes to the decision you made it's 'God put me here'? No. You put you there.

Really, it's not confusing at all, your emotions are merely making it hard for you to see. Removing the emotion that you feel, and making the idea much clearer... You chose to be with this man, God did not make you. He turned out to be a bad guy. Now you and your daughter are being damaged and broken. It's up to you to decide to Act on the statement that your daughter means more, and not just say it. It's not at all your fault that things happened this way, or that your husband turned out the way he did. But there comes a point where the blame falls squarely on you for not choosing to remove yourself and your daughter from it. Either you choose to protect the child God has entrusted you with, or you take the consequences of the results of what happens to her in the long run.

And i don't mean to sound harsh, but when strong emotions are involved it takes strong words to cut through them for people to see the reality of things. I am 100% on your side. And your daughters. If i wasn't i wouldn't have said anything at all.

I agree what you are saying, but i dont think its that easy...its not black or white. We can bring verses from the bible and make both sides valid according to the bible. Yes, i should not be in a relationship where we are getting emotionally hurt, but the bible says that we are responsible for our other half and we can be accounted for them in front of God.
You are right......i put myself in this situation, but because i was under the impression that we want the same things. I saw many many christian marriages where they both believed that the relationship is from God (which was brought to the pastor who agreed) , but then the individuals changed and it turn out to be a disaster. Or in fact, i should say most of the time that what i saw. I still stand on the ground that i know in my heart and my soul that it was God's will..........would he put me in an abusive relationship? No! But my husband was the one who changed, who went back to his old ways and turned away from God. God will not force him to change, he has to make that step. And yeah, i have to make my step if he is not willing to change or commit himself to God again. As only he can change this situation for better. I will not waste my time any longer letting him walk all over us....trust me! At this point, i believe i did my part physically, spiritually and mentally......now its his choice.
 

7seasrekeyed

Senior Member
Aug 27, 2017
7,299
2,903
113
#62
I agree what you are saying, but i dont think its that easy...its not black or white. We can bring verses from the bible and make both sides valid according to the bible. Yes, i should not be in a relationship where we are getting emotionally hurt, but the bible says that we are responsible for our other half and we can be accounted for them in front of God.
You are right......i put myself in this situation, but because i was under the impression that we want the same things. I saw many many christian marriages where they both believed that the relationship is from God (which was brought to the pastor who agreed) , but then the individuals changed and it turn out to be a disaster. Or in fact, i should say most of the time that what i saw. I still stand on the ground that i know in my heart and my soul that it was God's will..........would he put me in an abusive relationship? No! But my husband was the one who changed, who went back to his old ways and turned away from God. God will not force him to change, he has to make that step. And yeah, i have to make my step if he is not willing to change or commit himself to God again. As only he can change this situation for better. I will not waste my time any longer letting him walk all over us....trust me! At this point, i believe i did my part physically, spiritually and mentally......now its his choice.

would you please share where you found the above in scripture
 

darej

New member
Jul 19, 2019
18
6
3
#63
would you please share where you found the above in scripture
Sorry...i didnt mean it like that. My mistake. There are no "specific" scripture which tell us that, but what i was gonna say is that i believe through the verses of the Bible about marriage, family and relationships that we are responsible for each other.......for our husband or for our children. :)
 

Absolutely

Well-known member
Jul 23, 2018
2,331
585
113
#64
Sorry...i didnt mean it like that. My mistake. There are no "specific" scripture which tell us that, but what i was gonna say is that i believe through the verses of the Bible about marriage, family and relationships that we are responsible for each other.......for our husband or for our children. :)
His beligerance has a root.
Most likely he was a recipient of it somewhere. (His dad?)
Then,to my untrained eye,you and your daughter trigger it.

If you want,you can do an experiment.
When he gets agitated ,backtract to what appears to trigger it and mark it down.

Another experiment would be "love bombing" ...a mothers love.
Tell him "it'll be ok,it'll be alright"

If you ever find the root,and he is willing,you can break that off of him.
He basically has to come to you for it to work.

And btw....like i told you ,interview mom about her spouse(his dad)
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
67,981
5,911
113
#65
His beligerance has a root.
Most likely he was a recipient of it somewhere. (His dad?)
Then,to my untrained eye,you and your daughter trigger it.

If you want,you can do an experiment.
When he gets agitated ,backtract to what appears to trigger it and mark it down.

Another experiment would be "love bombing" ...a mothers love.
Tell him "it'll be ok,it'll be alright"


If you ever find the root,and he is willing,you can break that off of him.
He basically has to come to you for it to work.

And btw....like i told you ,interview mom about her spouse(his dad)

NO!! Absolutely not. Patting his hand and saying "there there, it'll be ok" is NOT a solution. It's just putting a band-aid on the real problem. He will expect her to say that every time, thus signifying her tolerance of his treatment..
 

7seasrekeyed

Senior Member
Aug 27, 2017
7,299
2,903
113
#66
Sorry...i didnt mean it like that. My mistake. There are no "specific" scripture which tell us that, but what i was gonna say is that i believe through the verses of the Bible about marriage, family and relationships that we are responsible for each other.......for our husband or for our children. :)

Hi again

you are not responsible for your husband, technically, according to scripture, he is the one responsible for you and your daughter

at this point, that would be a moot concern

you can and should pray, but you are not responsible for his response to God anymore than you are responsible or to blame for his verbal abuse.

We can bring verses from the bible and make both sides valid according to the bible
no

God is not ambivalent or double minded. He says one thing and He means it. we are the ones that fudge around when we are not comfortable with something. we make excuses but God comes along and tells us to walk in His way and renew our minds according to what is written...the Bible

you may have found some comfort in reading these responses, but none of us will be there to hold your hand if he gets going again with the abuse

the ball is actually in your court and not his

you already know what he is going to do

still concerned for YOUR welfare and your girls
 

Absolutely

Well-known member
Jul 23, 2018
2,331
585
113
#67
NO!! Absolutely not. Patting his hand and saying "there there, it'll be ok" is NOT a solution. It's just putting a band-aid on the real problem. He will expect her to say that every time, thus signifying her tolerance of his treatment..
...and note i said "experiment".
Not "magic fixer incantation"
 

Absolutely

Well-known member
Jul 23, 2018
2,331
585
113
#68
...and btw,when i say love experiment i am keying off of Jesus,not enablement.
I am saying love breaks bad things.

Dave wilkerson told nicky cruze when he pulled a knife on him "i love you nicky,and if you cut me into a thousand pieces,each piece will cry out i love you"
God is a God of love.

The dynamic here is "mother bear anointing"
(Do not mess with her cub)
The daughter is the focus.
 

Absolutely

Well-known member
Jul 23, 2018
2,331
585
113
#69
...we are not argueing,we are in a lively discussion.
I love everyone here.
We are just passionately batting the ball around lol
 

darej

New member
Jul 19, 2019
18
6
3
#70
Hi again

you are not responsible for your husband, technically, according to scripture, he is the one responsible for you and your daughter

at this point, that would be a moot concern

you can and should pray, but you are not responsible for his response to God anymore than you are responsible or to blame for his verbal abuse.

no

God is not ambivalent or double minded. He says one thing and He means it. we are the ones that fudge around when we are not comfortable with something. we make excuses but God comes along and tells us to walk in His way and renew our minds according to what is written...the Bible

you may have found some comfort in reading these responses, but none of us will be there to hold your hand if he gets going again with the abuse

the ball is actually in your court and not his

you already know what he is going to do

still concerned for YOUR welfare and your girls

Yes, i agree...im not responsible for his response, but i believe i have to make sure that i do everything possible to help him to do the right things. And no, it does not mean i have to put up with his abuse. That is not acceptable. What i meant is you can find scriptures which say that you shouldn't leave your husband if he wants to stay with you or how he might be won through his wife conduct. But the bible say that he should love his wife. But what the bible says is the only valid ground for divorce is if he commit sexual immorality or adultery. But, yes, i have a right to leave him, separate....its not a sin.....i have that option. I brought up these issue with him...so now i wait what his response will be and i will act accordingly. Thank you all for the support. :)
 

Locoponydirtman

Well-known member
Oct 9, 2018
1,064
660
113
Texas
#71
Yes, i agree...im not responsible for his response, but i believe i have to make sure that i do everything possible to help him to do the right things. And no, it does not mean i have to put up with his abuse. That is not acceptable. What i meant is you can find scriptures which say that you shouldn't leave your husband if he wants to stay with you or how he might be won through his wife conduct. But the bible say that he should love his wife. But what the bible says is the only valid ground for divorce is if he commit sexual immorality or adultery. But, yes, i have a right to leave him, separate....its not a sin.....i have that option. I brought up these issue with him...so now i wait what his response will be and i will act accordingly. Thank you all for the support. :)
Context, that scripture is about an unbelieving husband not an abusive one.
 

darej

New member
Jul 19, 2019
18
6
3
#72
Context, that scripture is about an unbelieving husband not an abusive one.
1 Peter 3:1 "Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives," - it does not say this applies only unbelieving husband. :) It says husband who do not obey the word.
But yeah...the other part applies to unbelieving husband.....but someone who behaves like that...i wouldn't call him believer right now. If someone believe in God, doesn't act toward his wife in an abusive matter.
 

Bingo

Well-known member
Feb 9, 2019
1,506
1,017
113
#73
"It is sad but often holds true, when a child is from another relationship, after marriage a person
takes on a different attitude and behavior, as jealousy often being the hidden culprit. Only you
can determine if perhaps this is an underlying problem. For a noticeable change in the demeanor
of someone close, there is usually a significant reasoning behind the change, and this should be
necessary in knowing why the change, and there are always two sides to a marriage problem.
I hope you learn what the real problem is, and can work out the problem."
hope-in-focus - Copy - Copy - Copy (2).jpg
 

7seasrekeyed

Senior Member
Aug 27, 2017
7,299
2,903
113
#74
1 Peter 3:1 "Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives," - it does not say this applies only unbelieving husband. :) It says husband who do not obey the word.
But yeah...the other part applies to unbelieving husband.....but someone who behaves like that...i wouldn't call him believer right now. If someone believe in God, doesn't act toward his wife in an abusive matter.

hey again

even an unbeliever can be decent to his wife and if so, why would she leave?

you don't have that going on though

anyway, everybody will do what they are going to do in the end

I pray God's blessing upon you for safey and wisdom in your situation

hugs
 
#76
If he's changed so much since you've married, how do you know he would never touch/hit her? You didn't think he would become emotionally abusive, so why is it such a stretch that he would become physically abusive? I don't need the answer, because I'm not married to him, but to me abuse is abuse.
 

darej

New member
Jul 19, 2019
18
6
3
#77
hey again

even an unbeliever can be decent to his wife and if so, why would she leave?

you don't have that going on though

anyway, everybody will do what they are going to do in the end

I pray God's blessing upon you for safey and wisdom in your situation

hugs
Thank you! I appreciate it. God bless you!
 

darej

New member
Jul 19, 2019
18
6
3
#78
If he's changed so much since you've married, how do you know he would never touch/hit her? You didn't think he would become emotionally abusive, so why is it such a stretch that he would become physically abusive? I don't need the answer, because I'm not married to him, but to me abuse is abuse.
Of course I can't say he would never....as no one can predict that. I don't think I know him anymore. But one thing for sure....if he would ever try to hit me, I would get the police involved IMMEDIATELY. And he knows that.
 

Silverwings

Senior Member
Jul 27, 2016
987
213
43
#79
When you stated : I know our marriage was from God. , this is a red flag, because God does not go against his word, and he tells us in no uncertain terms to be not unequally yoked,
Here are some scriptures to contemplate:
Psalm 11:5

The LORD tests the righteous and the wicked, And the one who loves violence His soul hates.

1 Corinthians 7:15
Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace.

Ephesians 4:32
Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.

Proverbs 4:14-17
Do not enter the path of the wicked And do not proceed in the way of evil men. Avoid it, do not pass by it; Turn away from it and pass on. For they cannot sleep unless they do evil; And they are robbed of sleep unless they make someone stumble.

Colossians 3:19
Husbands, love your wives and do not be embittered against them.

Proverbs 10:6
Blessings are on the head of the righteous, But the mouth of the wicked conceals violence.

Psalm 22:24
For He has not despised nor abhorred the affliction of the afflicted; Nor has He hidden His face from him; But when he cried to Him for help, He heard.

Psalm 140:12
I know that the LORD will maintain the cause of the afflicted And justice for the poor.

Psalm 103:6
The LORD performs righteous deeds And judgments for all who are oppressed.

James 1:26
If anyone thinks himself to be religious, and yet does not bridle his tongue but deceives his own heart, this man's religion is worthless.

Ephesians 4:29
Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear.

Isaiah 1:17
Learn to do good; Seek justice, Reprove the ruthless, Defend the orphan, Plead for the widow.


James 1:26
If anyone thinks himself to be religious, and yet does not bridle his tongue but deceives his own heart, this man's religion is worthless.

James 3:10
from the same mouth come both blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not to be this way.

Ephesians 4:31
Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.

Malachi 2:16
"For I hate divorce," says the LORD, the God of Israel, "and him who covers his garment with wrong," says the LORD of hosts. "So take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously.

1 Peter 3:7
You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.

Proverbs 10:11
The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life, But the mouth of the wicked conceals violence.

Psalm 11:5
The LORD tests the righteous and the wicked, And the one who loves violence His soul hates.
 

Silverwings

Senior Member
Jul 27, 2016
987
213
43
#80
Ephesians 4:32
Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.

2 Timothy 3:1-8
But realize this, that in the last days difficult times will come. For men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self-control, brutal, haters of good,read more.

Ephesians 5:25
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,
treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, holding to a form of godliness, although they have denied its power; Avoid such men as these. For among them are those who enter into households and captivate weak women weighed down with sins, led on by various impulses, always learning and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth. Just as Jannes and Jambres opposed Moses, so these men also oppose the truth, men of depraved mind, rejected in regard to the faith.

Ephesians 5:25
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,

1 Peter 3:7
You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.

Proverbs 21:9
It is better to live in a corner of a roof Than in a house shared with a contentious woman. (or a man)

Proverbs 22:24-25
Do not associate with a man given to anger; Or go with a hot-tempered man, Or you will learn his ways And find a snare for yourself.

1 Timothy 5:8
But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

Matthew 18:15-17
"If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. "But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that BY THE MOUTH OF TWO OR THREE WITNESSES EVERY FACT MAY BE CONFIRMED. "If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.

1 Corinthians 5:11
But actually, I wrote to you not to associate with any so-called brother if he is an immoral person, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or a swindler--not even to eat with such a one.

revile -criticize in an abusive or angrily insulting manner.

Genesis 2:23
The man said, "This is now bone of my bones, And flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, Because she was taken out of Man."

Verse page
">Matthew 19:5


and said, 'FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH'?

Malachi 2:14-15
"Yet you say, 'For what reason?' Because the LORD has been a witness between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant. "But not one has done so who has a remnant of the Spirit And what did that one do while he was seeking a godly offspring? Take heed then to your spirit, and let no one deal treacherously against the wife of your youth.

Ephesians 5:21
and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ.

If I was in your shoes, i would remove myself from his company, and let him no in no uncertain words that you will not return until, he can treat you like you ought to be treated, God be with you , stabelize you strengthen you , give you wisdom as to what you should do, Amen