Verbally abusive husband

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maxwel

Senior Member
Apr 18, 2013
8,655
1,867
113
#21
Thank you for your reply. I did talk to my pastor who told me to fast and pray for my husband and the best thing would be if he comes in too and we do the counselling together, but he wouldn't come in. When i pray and fast, things get better a bit, but than it gets worse......like a roller coaster. :-(
You are going to need pastoral counseling to navigate this intelligently.

Ask the pastor if there are any wise older women, who have been through similar things, that you can talk to.

I don't think divorce is the proper answer whenever a marriage is having problems, or the woman is unhappy.
But you do need help and counseling.

..
 

darej

New member
Jul 19, 2019
18
6
3
#22
You are going to need pastoral counseling to navigate this intelligently.

Ask the pastor if there are any wise older women, who have been through similar things, that you can talk to.

I don't think divorce is the proper answer whenever a marriage is having problems, or the woman is unhappy.
But you do need help and counseling.

..
I agree.....and i dont really care about my happiness as my happiness is in God, but i just dont want my daughter to suffer. :-( It is very hurtful to see and hear how he talks to her sometimes....and i know its bothering her too.
 

Mii

Well-known member
Mar 23, 2019
682
429
63
#23
Definitely seek some counsel on it.

My father was that way and I survived, true it did take quite a long time to heal and there are some scars still I think when I encounter stuff like that, it brings up emotional responses that lead me to that conclusion. Idk.

I'm also male though and maybe have a bit thicker skin. I would observe your daughter closely and consider counseling for her specifically. I'm not going to throw out wild things or misgivings I've had about my own parents for their choices but there are things she could share in counseling that would be helpful and help her gain an equilibrium if that is to be the status quo. Things she may not want to share with you. Godly counsel of course. Not all churches have a counseling ministry for teens/pre-teens, few actually but it is out there. If you are in a suburban area it might be an hour drive but once a week that isn't too bad. Was a free one at my church and the way they did that was having one full-time "credentialed" person and people that were going to school for it pro bono.

I also went to a spirit filled lady across town that was NOT free but she still sticks with me to this day.

It's amazing the stuff that goes through younger people's minds. I still recall some of the off the wall anger, frustration, bitterness and consequent disassociation that I went through as a coping mechanism. Why I thought that, where I am now...some things I can reconnect to, some I can't.

Not saying this situation is acceptable in any way though. Just that's an immediate option for your daughter and if she isn't open to it that will give you some insight to gauge the effect this is having on her a little more deeply.
 

7seasrekeyed

Senior Member
Aug 27, 2017
8,047
3,436
113
#24
I agree.....and i dont really care about my happiness as my happiness is in God, but i just dont want my daughter to suffer. :-( It is very hurtful to see and hear how he talks to her sometimes....and i know its bothering her too.
many men will tell a woman do not get a divorce as they seem to think being married to an abuser is simply an inconvenience. women who have left such abuse behind, will say they should have gotten out sooner.

again, as scripture is more than clear how a husband should care for his wife, it is irresponsible, in my opinion, to state ask the pastor...you already did and he offered little help...or don't get a divorce. this, is Christian non-biblical counselling as it does not take into account the truth, the actual people or what is happening. the only thing taken into account, is appearances.

note I did not say get a divorce. I did say contact the police. your husband needs someone in authority to advise him of both your rights and his rights. pastoral counselling is only as good as the pastor and like anything else, that varies from person to person

don't ignore the symptons. why on earth some people seem to think it is all about keeping a lid on things if you are a Christian is next to more abuse. you don't need someone to hold your hand. you need an intervention. if you choose to just stay and do nothing, well then, or pretend it will all work out, or say it is ok to suffer because you are a Christian, you should know that suffering as a Christian means for Christ...not because some individual hurts you. that is not suffering for Christ

I will add the very fact he shows self control around other people is especially a red flag. he is able to control himself suggests he enjoys power and does not respect you or your vows before God

There’s no medical report. No bruises or black eye or broken bone to signal what’s happening behind closed doors. But that doesn’t mean the abuse is any less damaging.

Verbal, emotional and psychological abuse take many forms—put-downs and power plays, bullying and blaming, trivializing and threatening—but its end game is the same: to dominate and control. While dangerous enough on its own, these forms of abuse and others often escalate into physical violence. Statistics vary widely due to under-reporting, as they do with much research on domestic violence, but according to a study published in the Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 95 percent of men who physically abuse their intimate partners also psychologically abuse them.

The effects can be chilling. Several studies have found that psychological abuse can do long-term mental health damage—including depression, suicidical ideation, low-self esteem and trust issues—as well as lead to a variety of diseases with physical symptoms. One study even found that psychological abuse is a stronger predictor than physical abuse of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), which affects 7 out of 10 psychologically abused women.



Escalation Red Flags

The increased awareness around psychological abuse has helped many survivors identify problems earlier on, and get help before physical abuse starts. Here are some indications that psychological abuse may take a violent turn in the future:

  • Isolating you from friends or family and/or discouraging you to see them.
  • Blaming you and others for his behavior; not taking responsibility for his own actions.
  • Threatening you with a weapon.
  • Pushing, shoving, or cornering you.
  • Destroying your property or threatening to hurt or kill your pets.
  • Threatening to take away or harm your children.
  • Does not respect your boundaries; keeps constant tabs on your activities.
  • Displays excessive jealousy or paranoia.
  • Pressures you to have sex or use drugs.
  • Has a history of abusing others.
  • Rages out of control with you but can maintain composure around others.
source
 

darej

New member
Jul 19, 2019
18
6
3
#25
Definitely seek some counsel on it.

My father was that way and I survived, true it did take quite a long time to heal and there are some scars still I think when I encounter stuff like that, it brings up emotional responses that lead me to that conclusion. Idk.

I'm also male though and maybe have a bit thicker skin. I would observe your daughter closely and consider counseling for her specifically. I'm not going to throw out wild things or misgivings I've had about my own parents for their choices but there are things she could share in counseling that would be helpful and help her gain an equilibrium if that is to be the status quo. Things she may not want to share with you. Godly counsel of course. Not all churches have a counseling ministry for teens/pre-teens, few actually but it is out there. If you are in a suburban area it might be an hour drive but once a week that isn't too bad. Was a free one at my church and the way they did that was having one full-time "credentialed" person and people that were going to school for it pro bono.

I also went to a spirit filled lady across town that was NOT free but she still sticks with me to this day.

It's amazing the stuff that goes through younger people's minds. I still recall some of the off the wall anger, frustration, bitterness and consequent disassociation that I went through as a coping mechanism. Why I thought that, where I am now...some things I can reconnect to, some I can't.

Not saying this situation is acceptable in any way though. Just that's an immediate option for your daughter and if she isn't open to it that will give you some insight to gauge the effect this is having on her a little more deeply.
Thank you, good points. I do have a good relationship with my daughter and she does tell me if/when things are bothering her, but of course most likely she would open up better to a different person. i will look into this option as well. :)
 

maxwel

Senior Member
Apr 18, 2013
8,655
1,867
113
#26
7seas,

I think you're a good guy.
So I'm going to disagree with a few things politely and respectfully.

You suggested the OP should contact the police.
I don't think this is even legal unless there has been physical abuse, or a least a threat of physical abuse... and the woman has already said there has not been.
If there is no physical abuse, then we need to begin our whole assessment by just taking a deep breath, and taking a step back.

The reason I've been telling her over and over to either talk to her pastor, or get some other kind of LOCAL COUNSELING, is because that is generally the most cautious thing to tell someone YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW.

The truth is, humans lie.
They lie, they exaggerate, they sometimes only tell one side of a story, and sometimes they just make mistakes or see things unclearly.

That is WHY the pastor told her to bring her husband in to get counseling together.
It's because humans almost NEVER give you both sides of the story.
Humans only see their own side of things.
The FIRST rule of counseling is to get both sides of a story, and try not to jump to conclusions after talking to only one person.

And then this whole mess becomes COMPOUNDED if you're talking to someone you DON'T REALLY KNOW.

Therefore, it is generally not the most prudent thing to give too much specific counsel to SOMEONE YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW.

Someone at her church, who knows her and her family, is actually in the best position to asses the ENTIRE SITUATION, and then give wise counsel.


I'm sure you have only the best intentions.
I can sense that you just feel protective, and want to help her.
Those are GOOD THINGS.
It means you're a caring and honorable person.

But we just have to be extremely cautious when giving specific counsel to people we don't really know.

Maybe her pastor is a terrible pastor.
Could be.
But it's still best for her to get some kind of counseling from someone locally that knows her family, and can get a real and proper assessment of how things actually are.

We are just not in a position to do any of that.


Take care.
.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
68,540
6,709
113
#27
The worst thing you can believe, is that he "wouldn't ever" hit you or your daughter. Because sooner or later, HE WILL. I've been there, lived it, have the scars to show for it.

Any man who treats his wife and step-child the way he does, and takes the Lord's name in vain is NOT a Christian.. Absolutely not. I'm sorry but you married a monster who for the last 2 years, has been showing you his evil side. :/ And will continue to do so. You and your daughter deserve better, and your daughter and you both, need to get out of this toxic environment altogether ASAP.
 

7seasrekeyed

Senior Member
Aug 27, 2017
8,047
3,436
113
#28
7seas,

I think you're a good guy.
So I'm going to disagree with a few things politely and respectfully.

You suggested the OP should contact the police.
I don't think this is even legal unless there has been physical abuse, or a least a threat of physical abuse... and the woman has already said there has not been.
If there is no physical abuse, then we need to begin our whole assessment by just taking a deep breath, and taking a step back.

The reason I've been telling her over and over to either talk to her pastor, or get some other kind of LOCAL COUNSELING, is because that is generally the most cautious thing to tell someone YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW.

The truth is, humans lie.
They lie, they exaggerate, they sometimes only tell one side of a story, and sometimes they just make mistakes or see things unclearly.

That is WHY the pastor told her to bring her husband in to get counseling together.
It's because humans almost NEVER give you both sides of the story.
Humans only see their own side of things.
The FIRST rule of counseling is to get both sides of a story, and try not to jump to conclusions after talking to only one person.

And then this whole mess becomes COMPOUNDED if you're talking to someone you DON'T REALLY KNOW.

Therefore, it is generally not the most prudent thing to give too much specific counsel to SOMEONE YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW.

Someone at her church, who knows her and her family, is actually in the best position to asses the ENTIRE SITUATION, and then give wise counsel.


I'm sure you have only the best intentions.
I can sense that you just feel protective, and want to help her.
Those are GOOD THINGS.
It means you're a caring and honorable person.

But we just have to be extremely cautious when giving specific counsel to people we don't really know.

Maybe her pastor is a terrible pastor.
Could be.
But it's still best for her to get some kind of counseling from someone locally that knows her family, and can get a real and proper assessment of how things actually are.

We are just not in a position to do any of that.


Take care.
.
I can say the same to you

but I don't agree with you

I have known far too many pastors who cannot counsel and women who wish they had left sooner

I have counselled and I do know what I am talking about

most women in this situation are hoping against hope things are going to change

short of a miracle they do not.

FYI, interaction with the police will be enough to let the guy know people are on to him and he is now out in the open

your post to me was more than a little condescending :rolleyes: and frankly just plain silly overall

I doubt you have a degree. I doubt you have ever held a woman sobbing because the husband beat her or the child

I doubt you have seen or heard a man totally contradict his wife and say she needs help and cast doubt on what she has said because there are no marks on her

please go back to your armchair advice and we will all be safer
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
68,540
6,709
113
#29
7seas,

I think you're a good guy.
So I'm going to disagree with a few things politely and respectfully.

You suggested the OP should contact the police.
I don't think this is even legal unless there has been physical abuse, or a least a threat of physical abuse... and the woman has already said there has not been.
If there is no physical abuse, then we need to begin our whole assessment by just taking a deep breath, and taking a step back.

The reason I've been telling her over and over to either talk to her pastor, or get some other kind of LOCAL COUNSELING, is because that is generally the most cautious thing to tell someone YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW.

The truth is, humans lie.
They lie, they exaggerate, they sometimes only tell one side of a story, and sometimes they just make mistakes or see things unclearly.

That is WHY the pastor told her to bring her husband in to get counseling together.
It's because humans almost NEVER give you both sides of the story.
Humans only see their own side of things.
The FIRST rule of counseling is to get both sides of a story, and try not to jump to conclusions after talking to only one person.

And then this whole mess becomes COMPOUNDED if you're talking to someone you DON'T REALLY KNOW.

Therefore, it is generally not the most prudent thing to give too much specific counsel to SOMEONE YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW.

Someone at her church, who knows her and her family, is actually in the best position to asses the ENTIRE SITUATION, and then give wise counsel.


I'm sure you have only the best intentions.
I can sense that you just feel protective, and want to help her.
Those are GOOD THINGS.
It means you're a caring and honorable person.

But we just have to be extremely cautious when giving specific counsel to people we don't really know.

Maybe her pastor is a terrible pastor.
Could be.
But it's still best for her to get some kind of counseling from someone locally that knows her family, and can get a real and proper assessment of how things actually are.

We are just not in a position to do any of that.


Take care.
.

Yeah, ummm, about the "good guy" thing. Seven is a GIRL... lol
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
68,540
6,709
113
#30
Seven, could you open your PM function, please? :)
 

maxwel

Senior Member
Apr 18, 2013
8,655
1,867
113
#31
7Seas,

My goal was to explain my points of disagreement with you carefully and thoroughly, while also being clear I believe you're a good christian brother.

If I did that poorly, or did it offensively, then please accept my apology.

I make mistakes.

..
 

7seasrekeyed

Senior Member
Aug 27, 2017
8,047
3,436
113
#32
the bottom of the advice heap is always going to be what someone does not really want to hear, but needs to hear but will not like to hear

no one can force anyone to do anything or take any sort of advice

in the end, the abuse becomes enough for the person being abused to finally take action and only God knows how much harm is done in between first seeking for help and finally taking it
 

NotmebutHim

Senior Member
May 17, 2015
1,998
665
113
#33
7seas,

I think you're a good guy.
So I'm going to disagree with a few things politely and respectfully.

You suggested the OP should contact the police.
I don't think this is even legal unless there has been physical abuse, or a least a threat of physical abuse... and the woman has already said there has not been.
If there is no physical abuse, then we need to begin our whole assessment by just taking a deep breath, and taking a step back.

The reason I've been telling her over and over to either talk to her pastor, or get some other kind of LOCAL COUNSELING, is because that is generally the most cautious thing to tell someone YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW.

The truth is, humans lie.
They lie, they exaggerate, they sometimes only tell one side of a story, and sometimes they just make mistakes or see things unclearly.

That is WHY the pastor told her to bring her husband in to get counseling together.
It's because humans almost NEVER give you both sides of the story.
Humans only see their own side of things.
The FIRST rule of counseling is to get both sides of a story, and try not to jump to conclusions after talking to only one person.

And then this whole mess becomes COMPOUNDED if you're talking to someone you DON'T REALLY KNOW.

Therefore, it is generally not the most prudent thing to give too much specific counsel to SOMEONE YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW.

Someone at her church, who knows her and her family, is actually in the best position to asses the ENTIRE SITUATION, and then give wise counsel.


I'm sure you have only the best intentions.
I can sense that you just feel protective, and want to help her.
Those are GOOD THINGS.
It means you're a caring and honorable person.

But we just have to be extremely cautious when giving specific counsel to people we don't really know.

Maybe her pastor is a terrible pastor.
Could be.
But it's still best for her to get some kind of counseling from someone locally that knows her family, and can get a real and proper assessment of how things actually are.

We are just not in a position to do any of that.


Take care.
.
I "think" 7seas is a woman. Your points stand regardless.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
68,540
6,709
113
#34
7Seas,

My goal was to explain my points of disagreement with you carefully and thoroughly, while also being clear I believe you're a good christian brother.

If I did that poorly, or did it offensively, then please accept my apology.

I make mistakes.

..

I know you have me on ignore, but once again, SEVEN IS A FEMALE...
 

7seasrekeyed

Senior Member
Aug 27, 2017
8,047
3,436
113
#35
7Seas,

My goal was to explain my points of disagreement with you carefully and thoroughly, while also being clear I believe you're a good christian brother.

If I did that poorly, or did it offensively, then please accept my apology.

I make mistakes.

..

as a woman, I could be offended but I am not, because I know what men here often say

no need to apologize but thanks anyway

what I am, is concerned for any woman suffering abuse and asking for advice and being told there there just pray and or fast

the church covers up the sin of its congregation far too often and men have got away with far too much when it comes to abusing women

God might take offense at the way women are often portrayed. men should spend a year or two as a woman suffering abuse

the counsel would take on a completely different outcome

and notice I never mentionned divorce

not offended...thanks for your apology though :)
 

7seasrekeyed

Senior Member
Aug 27, 2017
8,047
3,436
113
#38
7seas,
Are you a woman?

Just let me know, and I'll stop calling you my "good christian brother".
:)

all the way ;)

and no, I do not look like a female Russian athlete

if a woman were beating up her husband verbally or physically, my advice would be the same

but I would add, never hit her back or it will not matter what she did before you hit her
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
68,540
6,709
113
#40
We REALLY need the pink female nicks to start showing again.. lol