Why do marriages fail?

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Lanolin

Lanolin

Well-known member
#1
Dec 15, 2018
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#1
Im always shocked when I hear of a married couple splitting up. It makes me question a few things, especially if its a christian couple

we know marriage is no guarantee that adultery and unfaithfulness wont happen, but why is it so common these days even in the church. Is it because couples ARE unequally yoked to begin with or some other reason? or is it because of pressure to be married, and from being young and naive and maybe a bit blind to the responsibilites of raising a family, the commitment involved? not enough preparation?

for women is the desire to have children and then caring for them outweighing wifely duties, and for men is it the pressure of providing for the family that ends up splitting couples apart?

or is it simply hardness of heart? what do divorcees say about lessons they learned from being married? when you say marriage vows, arent you both supposed to MEAN what you say or is it just a token thing you do now?

from speaking with split couples my conclusions from observations of women are that they didnt really want to be married it was pressure to be married and not being able to say no, and also pressure to have children before being too old. some wanted childen MORE than wanting a husband thats what I seem to notice, and so chose badly, or put up with abuse, a husbands personal qualities didnt seem to matter over his ability to actually sire children. I really want people to be honest about the issue. Because why would people go to all the trouble of getting married, set up a house together and then just break up after a couple of years it does not make sense. and it also doenst make sense for any children caught in the middle of the drama.
 
Dino246

Dino246

Senior Member
#3
Jun 30, 2015
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#3
When I said my vows, I meant "for the rest of my life". However, I couldn't stop her from walking away from the marriage. It takes two to start a marriage, but only one to end it.
 
Tinkerbell725

Tinkerbell725

Senior Member
#6
Jul 19, 2014
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Philippines Age 40
#6
The boundaries are the lines that you don't cross in relationships. Even the most intimate relationships like marriage need boundaries. That's why the pillars need to stand apart for the temple to be strong. The space between the pillars is where you find the invisible barrier called boundary.
 
Lanolin

Lanolin

Well-known member
#7
Dec 15, 2018
23,460
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#7
Tinkerbell725 said:
The boundaries are the lines that you don't cross in relationships. Even the most intimate relationships like marriage need boundaries. That's why the pillars need to stand apart for the temple to be strong. The space between the pillars is where you find the invisible barrier called boundary.
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ok can you say a few examples of where an invisible boundary is crossed in marriage? Are you saying that people are unequally yoked to begin with with one person intruding on the others space or the yoke itself is the problem. wouldnt it be the pillars be of equal size and strength or on even ground to be able to stand strong. its actually not the spaces between them which can be as far or as close together as needed.
 
Tinkerbell725

Tinkerbell725

Senior Member
#8
Jul 19, 2014
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#8
Lanolin said:
ok can you say a few examples of where an invisible boundary is crossed in marriage? Are you saying that people are unequally yoked to begin with with one person intruding on the others space or the yoke itself is the problem. wouldnt it be the pillars be of equal size and strength or on even ground to be able to stand strong. its actually not the spaces between them which can be as far or as close together as needed.
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Controlling or manipulating your spouse is an example of crossing boundaries. A certain level of freedom is important in marriage. When there is no freedom there is no love.

There are christian marriages who are equally yoked but still fail. You can't really force someone to stay.
 
Nehemiah6

Nehemiah6

Senior Member
#9
Jul 18, 2017
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#9
Lanolin said:
from speaking with split couples my conclusions from observations of women are that they didnt really want to be married it was pressure to be married and not being able to say no, and also pressure to have children before being too old.
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Women in the West are certainly NOT under any pressure to be married. So that looks like a bogus excuse. And it certainly makes practical sense to have children before getting too old. Children and marriage go hand in hand.

As to why marriages *fail* the primary reason is the lack of an ABSOLUTE COMMITMENT to remain married until *death do us part*. Divorce has become commonplace in Western society because too many think that they can simply break up and break away for any reason. Not to mention all the common-law shacking up that has become commonplace.

As to divorces among Christians, the blame should fall squarely on the church leaders and pastors. They have a moral and spiritual responsibility to sit down with people planning to get married and talk about the subject from a Christian perspective, and focus on the relevant Scriptures. At the same time they have a responsibility to ensure that both the man and the woman are genuinely saved and have been baptized as believers before they go ahead with any wedding plans. They also have a solemn responsibility to preach and teach about the subject of marriage and the responsibilities of Christian husbands and wives.
 
Lanolin

Lanolin

Well-known member
#10
Dec 15, 2018
23,460
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#10
Tinkerbell725 said:
Controlling or manipulating your spouse is an example of crossing boundaries. A certain level of freedom is important in marriage. When there is no freedom there is no love.

There are christian marriages who are equally yoked but still fail. You can't really force someone to stay.
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wouldnt that just be down to being yoked. Marriage by definition is being yoked to someone. or bound.
otherwise is not a marriage.

and you both promise to forsake all others. theres rings exchanged so you are not free. You are bound.

Thats why Paul advises for a man to not marry and let his intended to stay single. He says you could marry, nothing wrong with that, but if you dont its even better. and that doesnt mean you love the girl any less, in fact it means you love her MORE because you value her freedom above her being bound to you.
 
Nehemiah6

Nehemiah6

Senior Member
#11
Jul 18, 2017
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#11
Dino246 said:
When I said my vows, I meant "for the rest of my life". However, I couldn't stop her from walking away from the marriage. It takes two to start a marriage, but only one to end it.
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True enough. But by the same token steps could have been taken before marriage to ensure that the marriage would be viable in the first place. Some marriages should never have happened to begin with.
 
Lanolin

Lanolin

Well-known member
#12
Dec 15, 2018
23,460
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#12
Nehemiah6 said:
Women in the West are certainly NOT under any pressure to be married. So that looks like a bogus excuse. And it certainly makes practical sense to have children before getting too old. Children and marriage go hand in hand.

As to why marriages *fail* the primary reason is the lack of an ABSOLUTE COMMITMENT to remain married until *death do us part*. Divorce has become commonplace in Western society because too many think that they can simply break up and break away for any reason. Not to mention all the common-law shacking up that has become commonplace.

As to divorces among Christians, the blame should fall squarely on the church leaders and pastors. They have a moral and spiritual responsibility to sit down with people planning to get married and talk about the subject from a Christian perspective, and focus on the relevant Scriptures. At the same time they have a responsibility to ensure that both the man and the woman are genuinely saved and have been baptized as believers before they go ahead with any wedding plans. They also have a solemn responsibility to preach and teach about the subject of marriage and the responsibilities of Christian husbands and wives.
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intersting view but Im talking of in general not just 'westerners' I live in a country that has all kinds of people, and yes many women (and men) are under pressure by their parents to start a family.
i dont know what excuse a lot of westerners would have from it not working out but I have also heard of that kind of pressure amongst families but probably more other reasons, like easy divorce laws and de facto relationships viewed the same as marriage. I think more westerners enter into de factos than non westerners (easterners) who actually value marriages as family ties tend to be stronger.
 
Lanolin

Lanolin

Well-known member
#13
Dec 15, 2018
23,460
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#13
Nehemiah6 said:
True enough. But by the same token steps could have been taken before marriage to ensure that the marriage would be viable in the first place. Some marriages should never have happened to begin with.
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I do agree I think maybe pastors dont investigate couples enough for them agree to marry them.
but then many have civil cermonies. However church weddings it would be a surprise that those couples are not given proper counselling.

although the couple I know from church that split had both families in church and seemed very solid until the wife commited adultery. It did make me question her faith. They had four children.
 
Lanolin

Lanolin

Well-known member
#14
Dec 15, 2018
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#14
Isn't a vow the same as 'absolute commitment' so it just means people arent even taking their vows seriously.

Is how I view it.
 
Solemateleft

Solemateleft

Honor, Courage, Commitment
#15
Jun 25, 2017
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#15
- Some people simply lack the capacity for permanent relationships...
- Too many people lack the moral fortitude to honor their vows...
- Divorce laws have become too easy...
- There are insufficient premarital counsel...
- Too few couples either don't get help (marriage counseling) or it is too little too late...
- Too many couples who do seek counsel - fail to obtain professionally qualified 'Marriage Counselors'!!!!
- Society is becoming more and more DE-sensitized to the frequency and community norm for failed marriages...
- IMHO, too many who initiate divorce (without a biblical justification) lack a genuine spiritual walk with HIM in their lives... Interestingly, many seem to find HIM (and begin to grow more spiritually) only after they have experienced a failed marriage...
- Bottomline - too many people (who initiate divorce) are too focused upon themselves - putting their personal priorities above their family, marriage and HIM...
 
L

Locoponydirtman

Guest
#16
#16
Sin and flesh, causes divorce. Like one fella said it takes 2 to get married, but only 1 to end it. Even though usually it's both.
 
inukubo

inukubo

Active member
#17
Jun 27, 2019
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#17
There are as many reasons for marriages breaking up as there are marriages. We can't place the blame all on one thing. Sometimes the "marriage" itself was a mistake. Sometimes there is abuse and mental illness that take their toll. And of course, sometimes, it is just plain sin and selfishness. But it is never easy, no matter how much we complain about "easy divorce laws." Nobody sits at home and thinks to themselves "Gee, a divorce sounds really nice." For a person to even consider divorce, they must already be going through some level of excruciating pain for some reason...
 
Dino246

Dino246

Senior Member
#18
Jun 30, 2015
25,491
13,799
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#18
Nehemiah6 said:
True enough. But by the same token steps could have been taken before marriage to ensure that the marriage would be viable in the first place. Some marriages should never have happened to begin with.
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This is one of those "What if..." scenarios. Certainly, there were things that I didn't adequately investigate before marrying, which were factors leading to the divorce. However, we don't get a do-over in life. I would just be very cautious about making that commitment again.
 
Dino246

Dino246

Senior Member
#19
Jun 30, 2015
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#19
inukubo said:
There are as many reasons for marriages breaking up as there are marriages. We can't place the blame all on one thing. Sometimes the "marriage" itself was a mistake. Sometimes there is abuse and mental illness that take their toll. And of course, sometimes, it is just plain sin and selfishness. But it is never easy, no matter how much we complain about "easy divorce laws." Nobody sits at home and thinks to themselves "Gee, a divorce sounds really nice." For a person to even consider divorce, they must already be going through some level of excruciating pain for some reason...
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Or be insensitive to the conviction of the Holy Spirit. :)
 
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