Do you find it hard to be "just friends" with people of the opposite sex?

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Tinuviel

Guest
#21
No offense is meant in what I am about to write. I respect you greatly and think you are the finest Christian on this site.

I believe the attitude of thinking you can keep a firm grip on your heart is an attitude of pride.

A man and a woman can be friends, and love can very subtly occur. By then, it is too late to disentangle your heart or his heart because you are both married to other people or one is married.

Everyone can slip, and it doesn’t take much for people to develop feelings for another person- a sympathetic ear, a shared interest, a feeling of being understood, a certain simpatico.

To be safe, since we are all sinners and prone to sin, prone to break promises, prone to hurt the ones we love- married people should not have friends of the opposite sex- not confidantes. It is a very perilous slope.
No offense taken :) I think it all depends upon how loosely you use the word "friend." I have no problem using the word as a general term for people I know and love. I would agree that when you're married, it isn't a great idea (or wouldn't be for me!) to have your closest friends be the opposite sex. But then, I wouldn't do that as a single either; just because a man and a woman are both single doesn't mean there is no pain if they would form a romantic attachment. I mean, the reason I put them in the friend zone in the first place was because they were incompatible as a spouse.

My biggest point however, was that it is different for each set of people. A friendship takes two people--when one of those people is married, the friendship takes three, because the spouse of that person is also involved in an indirect way.
 
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LaVieEnRose

Guest
#22
No offense taken :) I think it all depends upon how loosely you use the word "friend." I have no problem using the word as a general term for people I know and love. I would agree that when you're married, it isn't a great idea (or wouldn't be for me!) to have your closest friends be the opposite sex. But then, I wouldn't do that as a single either; just because a man and a woman are both single doesn't mean there is no pain if they would form a romantic attachment. I mean, the reason I put them in the friend zone in the first place was because they were incompatible as a spouse.

My biggest point however, was that it is different for each set of people. A friendship takes two people--when one of those people is married, the friendship takes three, because the spouse of that person is also involved in an indirect way.
I think of friends as people with whom you share intimacies, inside jokes, and are able to share interests. With this definition, it would be utter folly for a married man or woman be friends with a member of the opposite sex.

Acquaintances are different, acquaintances are people with whom you are friendly- but you do not share intimacies with them.

Most of all, each person in the marriage must feel safe- that their relationship is inviolate. It has nothing to do with control or an absence of trust- it has to do with respect. If I were married, I would feel disrespected if my husband had a female confidante.

I know my brother-in-law does not have female friends. He has female acquaintances, but no friends. He does not cross that border because he honors and respects my sister’s need for emotional safety.

I think men need to be very aware how devastating emotional affairs are to women. It would be torture to think of your husband sharing his private thoughts and feelings with a woman other than yourself.

I think you are very wise not to have close male confidantes.
 

melita916

Senior Member
Aug 12, 2011
9,691
1,694
113
#23
when my good male friend married, his wife was a friend-in-law to me. one day, i was hanging out with them at their house. his brother, who was single, was there, too. i was talking to good male friend, and just something inside of me clicked. i realized i didn't talk to his wife as much. then i wondered, "how does she feel about this?" that's when i made an effort to get to know her better and to talk with her. she is now a good friend to me. i say i talk to them equally, but if i have a question, i text her.

i know for a FACT nothing would happen between him and me because we honestly see each other as brother and sister. but! we should also avoid the appearance of evil.

p.s. i never spend one-on-one time with the opposite sex. when i was single, the ONLY time i would hang out with a guy alone was when i was interested in him, and he was single too. lol.
 

Mel85

Daughter of the True King
Mar 28, 2018
7,823
4,117
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#24
What would you do if you fell in love with a man and your friendship with this guy made your lover insecure? Would you sever ties with your friend or with your lover?
Why would I fall in love with another man if I had a man in the first place?

If I know there would be a God ordained future with this man then I probably would have to.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
28,377
6,785
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Florida
#25
No offense is meant in what I am about to write. I respect you greatly and think you are the finest Christian on this site.

I believe the attitude of thinking you can keep a firm grip on your heart is an attitude of pride.

A man and a woman can be friends, and love can very subtly occur. By then, it is too late to disentangle your heart or his heart because you are both married to other people or one is married.

Everyone can slip, and it doesn’t take much for people to develop feelings for another person- a sympathetic ear, a shared interest, a feeling of being understood, a certain simpatico.

To be safe, since we are all sinners and prone to sin, prone to break promises, prone to hurt the ones we love- married people should not have friends of the opposite sex- not confidantes. It is a very perilous slope.
I agree with you in that those that are married should not have friends of the opposite sex as this will cause undue stress in the marriage and nothing good will come out of it. I feel that it is totally inappropriate.
 
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LaVieEnRose

Guest
#26
Why would I fall in love with another man if I had a man in the first place?

If I know there would be a God ordained future with this man then I probably would have to.
You misunderstood my question, probably due to my lack of clarity.

You stated you have a life long male friend for whom you have no romantic attraction.

My question is this: Suppose you fall in love with a man. The man feels insecure about your friendship with the life long friend. He perhaps feels you share things with this friend that should only between you and your lover.

Would you sever ties with your friend in order to respect the emotional safety of your lover, or would you sever ties with your lover because you value the friendship over the romantic relationship?
 

Mel85

Daughter of the True King
Mar 28, 2018
7,823
4,117
113
#27
You misunderstood my question, probably due to my lack of clarity.

You stated you have a life long male friend for whom you have no romantic attraction.

My question is this: Suppose you fall in love with a man. The man feels insecure about your friendship with the life long friend. He perhaps feels you share things with this friend that should only between you and your lover.

Would you sever ties with your friend in order to respect the emotional safety of your lover, or would you sever ties with your lover because you value the friendship over the romantic relationship?
I think I already answered your question.

If I knew that I had a future with this man and that it’s God ordained then I would put my future husband first. My life long friend wouldn’t get offended cos I know he ain’t like that (my real guy friend) but I cannot speak if it were anyone else. I only have one male best friend.
 
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pjharrison

Guest
#28
No offense is meant in what I am about to write. I respect you greatly and think you are the finest Christian on this site.

I believe the attitude of thinking you can keep a firm grip on your heart is an attitude of pride.

A man and a woman can be friends, and love can very subtly occur. By then, it is too late to disentangle your heart or his heart because you are both married to other people or one is married.

Everyone can slip, and it doesn’t take much for people to develop feelings for another person- a sympathetic ear, a shared interest, a feeling of being understood, a certain simpatico.

To be safe, since we are all sinners and prone to sin, prone to break promises, prone to hurt the ones we love- married people should not have friends of the opposite sex- not confidantes. It is a very perilous slope.
You are so right.
 
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LaVieEnRose

Guest
#29
I think I already answered your question.

If I knew that I had a future with this man and that it’s God ordained then I would put my future husband first. My life long friend wouldn’t get offended cos I know he ain’t like that (my real guy friend) but I cannot speak if it were anyone else. I only have one male best friend.
I probably misunderstood your first post due to my want of reading conprehension skills.

It is nice to know you would put the needs of your husband first. I’m sure the guy who gets you will be a very blessed man.
 
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LaVieEnRose

Guest
#30
It is unsafe to agree with me. I am persona non grata, so if you want to be on the side of the angels, it is best if you do not agree with my posts. I wouldn’t want you black balled due to associating with questionable characters.

Tourist agrees with my posts, but he has been on the site a very long time, and is the patriarch. He is above reproach.
 

NotmebutHim

Senior Member
May 17, 2015
1,945
605
113
#31
Ummmmmm...........I don't know where to go from here...................
 

Mel85

Daughter of the True King
Mar 28, 2018
7,823
4,117
113
#33
I probably misunderstood your first post due to my want of reading conprehension skills.

It is nice to know you would put the needs of your husband first. I’m sure the guy who gets you will be a very blessed man.
An insult and blessing in one post.

I’d expect that from you. Thanks!
 

Lynx

Senior Member
Aug 13, 2014
14,566
2,401
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#34
LaVieEnRose: I have seen multiple threads on this topic where you have taken center stage (and kept center stage, and fought tooth-and-nail to retain it) as you stridently preached your opinion. I have to think there is a reason for this. As I am by nature a very direct person, I will ask you directly.

Did you become friends with a married man and wind up breaking up their marriage? Or did you have a boyfriend who started talking to another girl just as a friend, and he wound up leaving you for her? Or if neither of those, why DO you have such a steadfast, black-and-white, unmovable (and very loud) opinion about this topic?
 
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LaVieEnRose

Guest
#36
LaVieEnRose: I have seen multiple threads on this topic where you have taken center stage (and kept center stage, and fought tooth-and-nail to retain it) as you stridently preached your opinion. I have to think there is a reason for this. As I am by nature a very direct person, I will ask you directly.

Did you become friends with a married man and wind up breaking up their marriage? Or did you have a boyfriend who started talking to another girl just as a friend, and he wound up leaving you for her? Or if neither of those, why DO you have such a steadfast, black-and-white, unmovable (and very loud) opinion about this topic?
You are very inquisitive. Curiosity killed the cat.

Perhaps I just like attention. If everyone ignores me, I might go away. Let’s try it. Let’s all put The Annoying One on ignore and see if she leaves. If she does, you can all celebrate with cake and ice cream.
 

Lynx

Senior Member
Aug 13, 2014
14,566
2,401
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#37
You are very inquisitive. Curiosity killed the cat.

Perhaps I just like attention. If everyone ignores me, I might go away. Let’s try it. Let’s all put The Annoying One on ignore and see if she leaves. If she does, you can all celebrate with cake and ice cream.
And you are very insistent and adamant about your opinion on this topic. Why?

Also if curiosity killed the cat... he died happy and satisfied. =^.^=
 
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LaVieEnRose

Guest
#38
And you are very insistent and adamant about your opinion on this topic. Why?

Also if curiosity killed the cat... he died happy and satisfied. =^.^=
You are not my friend. I do not share intimacies with people who are not my friends.

I was not aware that it is against the site’s rules to have strong opinions.
 

Lynx

Senior Member
Aug 13, 2014
14,566
2,401
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#39
Strong opinions are great. Insistent and loud strong opinions means there is probably something behind it. So what causes this insistent, loud and strong opinion of yours on this topic?
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#40
Actually I mostly talk with females. Have been that way a long time.
I think the difficulty is people tend to associate closeness with romance even though that's not usually the case. I suspect some of my relationships were just close friendships we thought had romantic feelings but never really did.

It's possible. It's just a matter of being more aware of what s Really going on rather than letting yourself be convinced of minor crushes being true romantic feelings.