Fear of marriage

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Lighthearted

Senior Member
Oct 17, 2016
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#41
Hi Gods precious people does anyone have a fear of marriage..or any anxious thoughts associated with marriage life?
I have thought about this the other day and there are certainly big lifestyle changes that happen when you're married.
Examples..
You are no longer living on your own.So the independence you once had is no longer there..when married you have to share every day life with some else regardless of your temperament.Also things you did domestically when single now may come into more scrunity.

When single you had a nice spacious bed to sleep in to lay down in and roll about ect..when married you have half the space you once had...do you snore?Constantly fidget in bed till you fall asleep?
Such things could disrupt the sleeping patterns of your spouse..
Those are just a few examples..
What are your thoughts?
Those things aren't to be feared. If you're with the God blessed person He intended...you wouldn't give them a second thought. That's a pretty good indicator you have a keeper...when your fears are silenced. Sometimes quickly, often one by one as time goes on. That's why it's better to take the time to get to know someone.
 

Fundamental

Active member
Aug 10, 2020
540
226
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#42
So in view of what your comments you won't be getting married after all..but will just stay in the relationship as "engaged"?..just asking to clarify
Maybe we won’t yes. Too much stress and planning. No bridezillah hehe.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
11,637
4,208
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#43
Just elope, all you need to do is sign at the registry office with a witness. Dont need a ceremony. You also need to change your last name otherwise thats all there is to it.

Your parents and in laws probably wont let you hear the end of it though thats why some couples move far far away
 

Encouragement

Well-known member
Aug 25, 2020
1,371
1,238
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#44
Maybe we won’t yes. Too much stress and planning. No bridezillah hehe.
How would this work then as you wouldn't be husband and wife you would just be a couple ?So things like living together,sexual intimacy ect wouldn't be appropriate then as your not married..you would both be in a bit of a dilemma long term then.
Yes I know theres lots of stresses for planning weddings etc..but I am sure God will help you both find a way because just remaining as just engaged would be a hinderance.
 
Oct 31, 2019
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#45
Like @TheIndianGirl does, I have a STRONG fear of being in a bad/unhapp marriage. A fear of domestic violence and cheating. What if my husband turns out to be a violent man after getting married? What if my husband cheats on me? What if he doesn't help me with housework or parenting at all ?

My parents are in a loveless marriage. My father would be drunk even when my mother was sick and didn't take care of her. He's also a chronic complainer. I'm scared of being like them.
 

Encouragement

Well-known member
Aug 25, 2020
1,371
1,238
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#46
Like @TheIndianGirl does, I have a STRONG fear of being in a bad/unhapp marriage. A fear of domestic violence and cheating. What if my husband turns out to be a violent man after getting married? What if my husband cheats on me? What if he doesn't help me with housework or parenting at all ?

My parents are in a loveless marriage. My father would be drunk even when my mother was sick and didn't take care of her. He's also a chronic complainer. I'm scared of being like them.
Hi thanks for your very honest comments.Yes I totally understand how you can be feeling like this.You have experienced this 1st hand in the home and isnt it strange how a person can change sometimes AFTER you make a deep commitment to them such as marriage.Like what had gone in before was kinds deceptive to lure you in then once your in then BOOM.
It's must be really concerning to have such thoughts and may God be there to bless you and show you his tender mercy and let you see wonderful fruit in someone thsy will not change as you fear may happen.There are many wonder male/female Christian's who will make wonderful partners and are really good natured..
I grew up in a home with with terrible father/husband to my dear Christian mum..so I to know just how it can most definitely impact an individual.
 

Runningman

Well-known member
Mar 4, 2020
2,389
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#47
Aside from the things you mentioned, people also change over time. Highly compatible people who, at first, seemed perfect for each other can take divergent paths. Over time spouses can have nothing in common with one another even if their goal was to keep things Christ-centered. Marriage can start to feel more like a trap, robbing someone of the life of peace and happiness they should be experiencing.

Or the other thing that can happen it'll be the wonderful gift God intended it to be. I think it depends on how committed each person is to the marriage. If they can abstain from secular influences that aim to weaken the family unit and remain committed to keeping Christ at the center.

Faith is a long distance run, not a sprint, and so is marriage. Remember that.
 

Camess

Well-known member
Aug 11, 2020
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#48
Wow.there's quite a bit said about marriage(or lack of)! As for me I don't think I'm afraid of marriage, because I've had two good examples of marriage to see first hand what a blessing it can be. Mostly I don't think ill ever choose to get married. I know that with my personality and personal issues, a marriage to me would be a rocky one, and I wouldn't allow someone to be stuck with me for the rest of their life.. But to those who do want to marry, PRAY! God will show you and others around you if that person is for u. If you're both Christians who love each other, and love God, then you can have a beautiful marriage free of fear. If God is at the center then He will help you both to solve any issues and problems with love.
 

Encouragement

Well-known member
Aug 25, 2020
1,371
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#49
Wow.there's quite a bit said about marriage(or lack of)! As for me I don't think I'm afraid of marriage, because I've had two good examples of marriage to see first hand what a blessing it can be. Mostly I don't think ill ever choose to get married. I know that with my personality and personal issues, a marriage to me would be a rocky one, and I wouldn't allow someone to be stuck with me for the rest of their life.. But to those who do want to marry, PRAY! God will show you and others around you if that person is for u. If you're both Christians who love each other, and love God, then you can have a beautiful marriage free of fear. If God is at the center then He will help you both to solve any issues and problems with love.
Awwww that's a little sad to hear that you wouldn't choose to get married for the reasons you mentioned..yet I can identify which that kind of dynamic where certain personal issues ect could make bring married really really tough.I know that nothing is impossible with God and I have always asked to prepare me for marriage as I know the things In my life personally that could make being married difficult..great to have read your comments here.
 

TheIndianGirl

Well-known member
Nov 22, 2019
1,258
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#50
Virgins getting married do not know if they will love sex, so that is another risk since you are signing for sex for presumably decades. Especially if it on a daily basis for decades and you don't enjoy it, that could be a problem.
 
S

Scribe

Guest
#51
Maybe, these fears (reservations) are an indicator that you are not really wired for marriage.
People are like snowflakes in that not one of us is exactly alike.
Some people will be happier if they stay single. There is nothing wrong with accepting that about yourself.
If you can stay celibate and happy then don't let the devil accuse you of sin by not wanting to subject yourself to someone else the rest of your life.
If you are afraid of getting hurt, that is not a good reason. Hurt is inevitable, you have to learn to give it to Jesus and move on.

I am of the personality that would not be beneficial for a wife. I can spend days shut in with my books and not speak to anyone and be happy. Women tend to frown on this type of personality in a male. I would find a wife a burden to my plans and goals for ministry. This does not make me wrong. I am smart enough to realize this and not pursue relationships or respond to any sisters who show interest. I think they all tell people I am "not emotionally available" or something like that. And it is true, I am not available in that way. I don't think it is all that uncommon for people to be "cut out" for staying single. I think the scripture says "have that gift" which means that sex is not really a desire or a need, but it also means that they are emotionally happier living alone.

Now, I am not under any kind of vow, I am smart enough to know that it is possible that a particular woman might come along that would cause me to change my mind about all this and be willing to spend all my waking hours with her as well as tolerate her sleeping habits. (There are solutions for that, like memory foam and larger beds) I am hoping I do not meet her. LOL
 

Encouragement

Well-known member
Aug 25, 2020
1,371
1,238
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#52
Virgins getting married do not know if they will love sex, so that is another risk since you are signing for sex for presumably decades. Especially if it on a daily basis for decades and you don't enjoy it, that could be a problem.
Yes I know..because being married does mean having a full sexual relationship with a partner (this is a whole other area..is some may have been sexually abuse ect..and could be in a process of healing )..can be a little daunting for some who have never had any sexual experience before..yet with all things in a marriage truth Gods help and being wise,practical and open..it should grow an improve over time.
Sex is from God and was intended to be a pleasurable intimate experience.. there is enough resources available for education and openness with prayer and always a degree of sensitivity too for some sex may not be a great experience for all kinds of physical,medical,psychological even emotional or cultural reasons..
Love your comments..always totally honest in many ways
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
11,637
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#53
OP are you getting married? Just wondering.

I wouldnt worry about it at all if you are not. Dont stress yourself over nothing.
 

Fundamental

Active member
Aug 10, 2020
540
226
43
#54
Just elope, all you need to do is sign at the registry office with a witness. Dont need a ceremony. You also need to change your last name otherwise thats all there is to it.

Your parents and in laws probably wont let you hear the end of it though thats why some couples move far far away
Is that marriage to our Lord? That is my life question today. If marriage is not the same as it was back then, is it still “mandatory”? Or can we read those texts with a spirit of today and see marriage as a commitment of loyalty and faith to eachother?

Also my fiancee is mad at God and only wants to marry for the church because I want to. But our revenant doesn’t want to register us in the church as long we did not really grow in faith together. And I am against marriage for the state so here we are lol. I simply register at office because it would be mandatory.
 

Fundamental

Active member
Aug 10, 2020
540
226
43
#55
How would this work then as you wouldn't be husband and wife you would just be a couple ?So things like living together,sexual intimacy ect wouldn't be appropriate then as your not married..you would both be in a bit of a dilemma long term then.
Yes I know theres lots of stresses for planning weddings etc..but I am sure God will help you both find a way because just remaining as just engaged would be a hinderance.
Thank you for your concerns. I don’t feel God when it comes to planning my wedding. She’s the love of my life ever since I saw her the first time 22 years ago. But we’re only back together for 8 years now. It’s like God intented it to be that way. We needed to grow up before being united as one again.

Why do we need a state or church to recognise it as real? Why would our commitment between eachother not be enough? I know I should not question the Bible too much in this, but a marriage today is not the same as it was in our Lord’s time.

Has the show around marriage not become more important then the vows? Even churches say “till death parts you”. But should a christian marriage not also be after death parts the couple? for we live eternal. If we get really fundamental about it, a man or woman should remain single when the other one dies.

I just don’t see why couples today would need a third party to be married. If we don’t restrain from sexual activity before getting married, why marry?
We would marry as couple because it is expected but we don’t feel it as obligated.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
11,637
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#56
well people want to marry in church or by church because they want the extra blessing, If you dont really want to be blessed then dont...but not sure why you wouldnt want to be blessed, if its God who brought you together.

by two or three witnesses its confirmed, but the point of a wedding party is all the other witnesses plus room for miracles (Jesus turned water into wine at a wedding) and not to mention the feast.

The state requires you go register as married otherwise your property that you share is NOT yours, and your children wont belong to you either, they would be illegitimate, and if you died they wouldnt be looked after they would be wards of the state and wouldnt be able to inherit anything.
 

Encouragement

Well-known member
Aug 25, 2020
1,371
1,238
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#57
well people want to marry in church or by church because they want the extra blessing, If you dont really want to be blessed then dont...but not sure why you wouldnt want to be blessed, if its God who brought you together.

by two or three witnesses its confirmed, but the point of a wedding party is all the other witnesses plus room for miracles (Jesus turned water into wine at a wedding) and not to mention the feast.

The state requires you go register as married otherwise your property that you share is NOT yours, and your children wont belong to you either, they would be illegitimate, and if you died they wouldnt be looked after they would be wards of the state and wouldnt be able to inherit anything.
Exactly...👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
11,637
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#58
if you didnt get married and just fornicated there is nothing really to say you are a couple.
if you are living together then you can just move out at any time and there is really nothing to say you were commited to each other or one with each other and nobody else.

Any children you have together also wouldnt have any rights to know their own parents and it just makes things harder and murkier legally. Marriage means you belong to the family you marry into as well as each other until you die. You cant claim that you are together by saying well I sleep with so and so shes mine, doesnt that count, Um no.
 

Encouragement

Well-known member
Aug 25, 2020
1,371
1,238
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#59
well people want to marry in church or by church because they want the extra blessing, If you dont really want to be blessed then dont...but not sure why you wouldnt want to be blessed, if its God who brought you together.

by two or three witnesses its confirmed, but the point of a wedding party is all the other witnesses plus room for miracles (Jesus turned water into wine at a wedding) and not to mention the feast.

The state requires you go register as married otherwise your property that you share is NOT yours, and your children wont belong to you either, they would be illegitimate, and if you died they wouldnt be looked after they would be wards of the state and wouldnt be able to inherit anything.
This would mean that your partner would just be your common in law wife..and your whole lives would be going against the purpose of God.The bible tells us not to be wise in our own eyes and I care about your spiritual well being and to be honest with you as my brother in christ who is precious to God.
Forget about what marriage is today coz the institution of marriage has been altered ie... civil partnerships,people marrying themselves,even marrying objects ect..yet the basic fundamental dynamics of marriage between a man and a woman are the same...they havent changed.
Before God your relationship wouldn't be right if your living life as a married couple but remaining unmarried..and I am sure you know this too.Falling in love and being committed to each other is Gods creation which should lead to a marital union between both parties.
Right throughout scripture it talks about husband and wives..even saying a man should leave his father and mother to cleave to his wife..
I pray that I jesus name you both come to a place of realising that it is the right thing to do to be getting married in accordance to scripture regardless of how you boy may be perceive the vows being expressed ect.
I want Gods best for your lives..💕
 

Runningman

Well-known member
Mar 4, 2020
2,389
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#60
Thank you for your concerns. I don’t feel God when it comes to planning my wedding. She’s the love of my life ever since I saw her the first time 22 years ago. But we’re only back together for 8 years now. It’s like God intented it to be that way. We needed to grow up before being united as one again.

Why do we need a state or church to recognise it as real? Why would our commitment between eachother not be enough? I know I should not question the Bible too much in this, but a marriage today is not the same as it was in our Lord’s time.

Has the show around marriage not become more important then the vows? Even churches say “till death parts you”. But should a christian marriage not also be after death parts the couple? for we live eternal. If we get really fundamental about it, a man or woman should remain single when the other one dies.

I just don’t see why couples today would need a third party to be married. If we don’t restrain from sexual activity before getting married, why marry?
We would marry as couple because it is expected but we don’t feel it as obligated.
I think you make a good point. If I understand you correctly, you're trying to say that marriage without legal recognition is just as valid as one validated by the state. You are correct.

The legal document produced by the state known as a marriage certificate does not usually involve placing vows because it is received from a courthouse. This legal document is simply for tax purposes and other legalities that can arise. It isn't a requirement.

A marriage without the documents and legal red tape is still a marriage, it just isn't legally binding by the state; God still recognizes marriage.

I think some states have what is known as "common law" where if you're living with an alleged spouse for X number of years then they are a defacto husband or wife for legal purposes.

So you're right.