How to date introverted Christian men?

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almond641

almond641

Member
#21
Jun 30, 2018
29
38
13
#21
zeroturbulence said:
Glad that you find my info helpful. :) I think Sunday service might feel a little too formal in my opinion... If it was me, I'd probably pass on the service and suggest we try some interesting restaurant for lunch instead. Out here they have free concerts in a couple of parks. I think that would be a good event for a casual meetup. Just anything where there's no pressure to look or act your best.
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First of all let me say THANK YOU one more time to all of you who responded - I thought I had to struggle with relationships on my own and I'm so grateful that my voice is heard by you all!

Here's more background info: yes, the man I'm interested in was raised in a traditional Christian family. He was baptized as a teen and knows church way better than I do (one of the main reasons I like him). I served the same ministry with him for 3 months and know that he is very sensitive, quiet (rarely talks about himself) and need attention and love from others. He is a good listener and has a very tender heart (another reason I like him). Our Pastor told me that he stopped attending Sunday Service since last year as he was hurt by someone while leading a small group, which subsequently disbanded. He seemed to be interested in me but never asked me out (I was much more talkative and social than him while serving together).

Since he is such a passive guy, I just invited him to attend Sunday Service with me - as I want to draw him closer to Lord. But he never texted back. zeroturbulence - he is a computer engineer and loves music. He seems to have difficulty expressing his thoughts by word though. You're right that comfort and a casual atmosphere are EXTREMELY important to him. He also seems to be more relaxed in the evening/at night as we served during evenings. I have no idea what is the exact reason he didn't reply to my invitation. What can I do next? Suggest something different to do? Ask him the reason? Or give up?
 
Lynx

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
#22
Aug 13, 2014
27,713
9,641
113
#22
Everybody is different. Introverted people share many traits but you are getting into specifics which will vary between people. Any advice we give you from here on might be right but will probably be wrong.

If I were the guy, I could tell you that being direct and blunt, but not loud and in-your-face would probably work best with me. It would also be better to be blunt about it in private, rather than in a group of people. I don't scare away too easy, but I'm not all that good on picking up subtle hints. Might be why I've been single so long.

But that might be the worst thing you could do with this guy. I have no idea and no way of finding out.
 
W

whatev

Guest
#23
#23
almond641 said:
Hi everyone, I'm a 35-year-old Christian single woman. I'm outgoing, warm and love to serve the church community. However, I find myself drawn to introverted men - those who appear cool, passive and rarely express themselves. They seem to be interested in me as well but it's always hard to get conversation going with them. I don't quite understand what they need/want, and find it frustrating having to take the initiatives, which they often fail or slow to respond to. It seems that they are very uncomfortable being in a big crowd or talking about themselves. I feel very stuck and wonder how to get to know, even date introverted Christian men? How to ask them out and get them talk more about themselves? I appreciate any practical advice from you! Thanks and many blessings.
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I'm the introvert. He's the extrovert. But, even being an extrovert, he had a lot of trouble asking me on a date. Simple solution. I hung out with him and became his friend for four months until he got the courage to ask me for hot chocolate after home meeting. And three weeks later, after he asked the same thing for the third time, I finally asked him if I could have a Coke. I HATE hot chocolate.

Seven months later, we were married. (Introvert. Not to be confused with shy or without my own opinions and thoughts.) And 38 years later we're still happily married. (And I've never had to drink hot chocolate since.)
 
almond641

almond641

Member
#25
Jun 30, 2018
29
38
13
#25
whatev said:
I'm the introvert. He's the extrovert. But, even being an extrovert, he had a lot of trouble asking me on a date. Simple solution. I hung out with him and became his friend for four months until he got the courage to ask me for hot chocolate after home meeting. And three weeks later, after he asked the same thing for the third time, I finally asked him if I could have a Coke. I HATE hot chocolate.

Seven months later, we were married. (Introvert. Not to be confused with shy or without my own opinions and thoughts.) And 38 years later we're still happily married. (And I've never had to drink hot chocolate since.)
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Hi Whatev, thanks for sharing your story - it makes me feel so warm and hopeful. :giggle: That's exactly what I imagine dating, marriage and life to be! I'm an extrovert but it has been hard for me to ask any man out for many years. Then I realized whoever asked me out was not the type I'm attracted to - so why not try the other way? I'll recall your story when I have doubts or fear. May Lord bless you, your husband, and your marriage!
 
almond641

almond641

Member
#26
Jun 30, 2018
29
38
13
#26
Lynx said:
Everybody is different. Introverted people share many traits but you are getting into specifics which will vary between people. Any advice we give you from here on might be right but will probably be wrong.

If I were the guy, I could tell you that being direct and blunt, but not loud and in-your-face would probably work best with me. It would also be better to be blunt about it in private, rather than in a group of people. I don't scare away too easy, but I'm not all that good on picking up subtle hints. Might be why I've been single so long.

But that might be the worst thing you could do with this guy. I have no idea and no way of finding out.
Click to expand...
Thank you Lynx - you speak lots of truth! Both he and I are direct persons. He can be sensitive and detail-oriented while I'm more holistic. The good news is he just replied to my invitation - he was just not feeling well today. God was certainly with me offered me lots of wisdom through this forum today!
 
C

claysmithr

Guest
#27
#27
Tommy379

Tommy379

Notorious Member
#28
Jan 12, 2016
7,589
1,153
113
#28
I think it's the introverts problem to deal with.
 
L

LittleMermaid

Guest
#30
#30
claysmithr said:
Introverts are actually very cautious about getting to know people, and if the women doesn't seem interested, I would simply move on.
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I think there is a difference between showing interest and initiating for time alone with a man (aka a date.) That should be the guy's responsibility.
 
almond641

almond641

Member
#31
Jun 30, 2018
29
38
13
#31
LittleMermaid said:
I think there is a difference between showing interest and initiating for time alone with a man (aka a date.) That should be the guy's responsibility.
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I have been chatting through texting with the introverted guy back and forth, and I know that he does it with many social friends too. Can you suggest some ways to show my interest CLEARLY so that he is confident enough to initiate dating?
 
Tommy379

Tommy379

Notorious Member
#32
Jan 12, 2016
7,589
1,153
113
#32
almond641 said:
I have been chatting through texts with the introverted guy back and forth, and I know that he does it with many social friends too. Can you suggest some ways to show my interest CLEARLY so that he is confident enough to initiate dating?
Click to expand...
If he was interested in dating, he would ask you out.
 
almond641

almond641

Member
#33
Jun 30, 2018
29
38
13
#33
Tommy379 said:
If he was interested in dating, he would ask you out.
Click to expand...
That's true. But I also think it's women's part to express our interest CLEARLY, which I didn't know exactly how. So I'd appreciate suggestions here!
 
Tommy379

Tommy379

Notorious Member
#34
Jan 12, 2016
7,589
1,153
113
#34
almond641 said:
That's true. But I also think it's women's part to express our interest CLEARLY, which I didn't know exactly how. So I'd appreciate suggestions here!
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If you want to clearly expess your interest, then you say to him : Hey buddy, I want to date you.
 
L

LittleMermaid

Guest
#35
#35
Hey Almond! I don't really know much about boys and how to show interest. I myself would be extra smiley, friendly, and sweet around him. I would hope that is enough to show I am interested in him. Maybe compliment him a little and send him cute emojis while you text. But take all this with a grain of salt...I do not know much when it comes to guys and relationships lol. I just know that when I tried to pursue years ago...it ended badly. He was so no into me. Read the book "He's Just Not That Into You."

I am interested in what the guys have to say about this. What can women do to show interest without being too forward? I have heard from men that they don't like to play games and that they want straight answers...so trying to show interest in a clear way, while not being forward seems like a very difficult thing to do.
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#36
Mar 13, 2014
42,657
17,111
113
69
Tennessee
#36
I am an introvert but took an active role in pursuing a prospective relationship. It is hard for me to open up verbally unless I feel comfortable with a person.

I met my wife on this site who is also a member. At first it was exchanging personal messages on this site as that is a medium that I am most able at first to communicate. Later it was phone calls and eventually we met in person. My wife is a lot more outgoing than I am and that helps in getting a conversation started.

It never hurts to show an interest in a guy that may catch your eye, but ultimately, he probably should be the pursuer. I just know from my own personal experience that it is easier for me to get started through the written word. The verbal will come later and all of the other things that makes for a meaningful and lasting relationship.

It seems to be true that opposites attract. She is outgoing, I am an introvert. She is a Democrat but I am a Republican. What we do have in common is placing our love of God in the center of our marriage. It works for us.

It can for you as well.
 
almond641

almond641

Member
#37
Jun 30, 2018
29
38
13
#37
tourist said:
I am an introvert but took an active role in pursuing a prospective relationship. It is hard for me to open up verbally unless I feel comfortable with a person.

I met my wife on this site who is also a member. At first it was exchanging personal messages on this site as that is a medium that I am most able at first to communicate. Later it was phone calls and eventually we met in person. My wife is a lot more outgoing than I am and that helps in getting a conversation started.

It never hurts to show an interest in a guy that may catch your eye, but ultimately, he probably should be the pursuer. I just know from my own personal experience that it is easier for me to get started through the written word. The verbal will come later and all of the other things that makes for a meaningful and lasting relationship.

It seems to be true that opposites attract. She is outgoing, I am an introvert. She is a Democrat but I am a Republican. What we do have in common is placing our love of God in the center of our marriage. It works for us.

It can for you as well.
Click to expand...
Hi tourist, it's so encouraging to hear you and your wife met right here! Many of you suggested texting/chatting online to make introverts comfortable and open up. That makes a lot of sense to me. I guess all I need is more patience - texting back and forth with him, getting to know him slowly instead of requesting to meet immediately.

LittleMermaid - you are very sweet and genuine. I am exactly like you but attracted many selfish guys... i was anxious about entering relationships and tended to judge men by first impression - they way they looked and treated me. Well, it turned out that those who appear charismatic, generous and upright in public may behave totally different in a relationship. And I learnt, over time, that all I need is an ordinary man who loves and cares about me for who I am - even when I'm upset or angry. Introverts have their reasons to be slow in starting a relationship - it takes time to know the heart of a man.
 
melita916

melita916

Senior Member
#38
Aug 12, 2011
10,467
2,704
113
#38
I think we gotta remember that if someone is nervous, it doesn’t matter if he/she is an introvert or extrovert. lol

I’m the introvert, and my husband is the extrovert. on our first couple of dates, I was expecting him to be the more talkative one. my plan failed. lololol. some time later, I told him of my plan, and he said, "well... I was nervous too!" lol
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#39
Mar 13, 2014
42,657
17,111
113
69
Tennessee
#39
whatev said:
I'm the introvert. He's the extrovert. But, even being an extrovert, he had a lot of trouble asking me on a date. Simple solution. I hung out with him and became his friend for four months until he got the courage to ask me for hot chocolate after home meeting. And three weeks later, after he asked the same thing for the third time, I finally asked him if I could have a Coke. I HATE hot chocolate.

Seven months later, we were married. (Introvert. Not to be confused with shy or without my own opinions and thoughts.) And 38 years later we're still happily married. (And I've never had to drink hot chocolate since.)
Click to expand...
Hot chocolate is good with mini-marshmallows although I'm more of a coffee drinker but trending towards espresso. I enjoyed your post very much. Actually, I enjoy reading all of your posts as you have a lot of wisdom and insight and often amusing.
 
zeroturbulence

zeroturbulence

Senior Member
#40
Aug 2, 2009
24,653
4,317
113
#40
almond641 said:
First of all let me say THANK YOU one more time to all of you who responded - I thought I had to struggle with relationships on my own and I'm so grateful that my voice is heard by you all!

Here's more background info: yes, the man I'm interested in was raised in a traditional Christian family. He was baptized as a teen and knows church way better than I do (one of the main reasons I like him). I served the same ministry with him for 3 months and know that he is very sensitive, quiet (rarely talks about himself) and need attention and love from others. He is a good listener and has a very tender heart (another reason I like him). Our Pastor told me that he stopped attending Sunday Service since last year as he was hurt by someone while leading a small group, which subsequently disbanded. He seemed to be interested in me but never asked me out (I was much more talkative and social than him while serving together).

Since he is such a passive guy, I just invited him to attend Sunday Service with me - as I want to draw him closer to Lord. But he never texted back. zeroturbulence - he is a computer engineer and loves music. He seems to have difficulty expressing his thoughts by word though. You're right that comfort and a casual atmosphere are EXTREMELY important to him. He also seems to be more relaxed in the evening/at night as we served during evenings. I have no idea what is the exact reason he didn't reply to my invitation. What can I do next? Suggest something different to do? Ask him the reason? Or give up?
Click to expand...
It sounds to me like he isn't interested in attending the service either with or without you. Since he still hasn't responded, then I think he's either not interested or he's just too shy to 'crack' (like trying to open a nutshell). In either case, I think it would probably be best to move on. Sorry..
 
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