"If You Want to Have Sex, Get Married." Ok. But What If You Want to Have Sex, and You're ALREADY Married?

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Live4Him3

Jesus is Lord
May 19, 2022
1,360
605
113
#41
Of course there are.
I'll take your word for it, but I'd like names (and numbers...lol) just as some sort of back-up.

Every time I hear women talking about men, it's always about how "dreamy" his eyes are, or how firm his butt is, or something along those lines. The latest fad seems to be, "Oh, he's a ginger..." Give me a break.

Men?

I can't even repeat what I hear them saying about women, but, trust me, they're not talking about their hearts and minds.
 

Live4Him3

Jesus is Lord
May 19, 2022
1,360
605
113
#42
Anyway...

Are we allowed to clap if this is our favorite thread ever?
 

Live4Him3

Jesus is Lord
May 19, 2022
1,360
605
113
#43
One last thing (?)...

If you hear moans and groans emanating from within my house in the next few minutes, then that's NOT me "having sex".

I'm just getting ready to eat some shrimp with linguini.

Ooooh, yeah!

After dinner, I'm heading right off to bed because I need to get up really early tomorrow for work.

Great thread, Seoul.

Good night, all.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,178
4,059
113
#44
I'll take your word for it, but I'd like names (and numbers...lol) just as some sort of back-up.
Where would you like to start?

We can start with the real, live CC friends whom I was honored to meet in April:

* Lynx
* RodB
* Pipp
* Cinder
* Lovecomessoftly

As well as 5 others, also from CC whom I met in 2019, and another 5 (again, CC'ers) whom I met in 2015.

I can think of another 2 aside from that (whom I also met in person.) And you also have to count in several members of their families (after all, those were the ones who trained up in the way they should go.)

I'm not giving specific usernames in this case because they are no longer on this site.

Also, my real-life friends, but to respect their privacy, I'll just use initials instead: C, A, MR, J.

J is an extremely special case, seeing as he spent 20 years in prison after being raised on the streets and falling into the wrong crowd. He is an amazing person. I met him while he was still in (visiting him at the prison) and even then, he was taking every class they offered, working a job, and trying to better his life. He's been out for a while and today he has his own very successful business as well as an additional full-time job.

I went to visit him about a year after he got out, and despite him asking me a few times if I would consider marrying him (we have since decided we're better off as friends,) he NEVER ONCE tried to put a move on me. NOT ONCE, and I was there with him and his family for a month.

He didn't try to cuddle me, didn't try to kiss me, NOTHING, because he wouldn't put a finger on me without my permission. And we decided to stay friends, because we both have situations in our lives right now that commit us to family.

This was a guy who spent 20 years locked up without access to women. It's really hard to top that one. I don't know of many people who would have that kind of restraint even when they'd never gone to prison. He jokes that he's "too busy working to think about females", lol.

And then there was my high school friend, P. I went to his house one weekend for some sort of get-together, and after everyone had left (and before his family came home from work,) I fell asleep on the couch in his room. He simply covered me with a blanket, and even though it was HIS room, he went to sleep upstairs because 1. he didn't want people to see both of us emerging from his room and assume something had happened; 2. he didn't want to make me uncomfortable in any way, so he chose to entirely move himself to another level of the house.

I still haven't listed my siblings or their friends...

You might think you're alone, but you're far from the only one.

Again, I assure you, there are many other good men and women out there with high standards and Biblically-minded priorities.
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
21,197
6,315
113
#45
I think if the partner is unable to have sex, the most pure and holy solution is to become celibate (even in marriage).

I think God frowns on masturbation; he wasn't too happy with Onan for spilling his "seed". Device can be considered demonic, depending on who you ask and probably the type of device also.

If the partner is healthy and won't have sex, counseling is in order. If the partner liked sex early in the marriage, chances are she will like it again. Some issues need to be worked out. I think there is a lot of insecurity involved when couples don't have sex.
Ugh. That verse has nothing to do with it. I suppose it's inevitable somebody will mention it though, albeit vastly out of context, so I guess it's good to get it out of the way early.

Onan's sin was spite. He spitefully refused to raise children for his brother's bloodline.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,178
4,059
113
#46
One last thing (?)...If you hear moans and groans emanating from within my house in the next few minutes, then that's NOT me "having sex".
And here I was going to ask if your place is haunted...

Wrong time of year I guess. :LOL:

Have a good sleep and thanks for all your input, L4H. :)
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
21,197
6,315
113
#47
Where would you like to start?

We can start with the real, live CC friends whom I was honored to meet in April:

* Lynx
* RodB
* Pipp
* Cinder
* Lovecomessoftly

As well as 5 others, also from CC whom I met in 2019, and another 5 (again, CC'ers) whom I met in 2015.

I can think of another 2 aside from that (whom I also met in person.) And you also have to count in several members of their families (after all, those were the ones who trained up in the way they should go.)

I'm not giving specific usernames in this case because they are no longer on this site.

Also, my real-life friends, but to respect their privacy, I'll just use initials instead: C, A, MR, J.

J is an extremely special case, seeing as he spent 20 years in prison after being raised on the streets and falling into the wrong crowd. He is an amazing person. I met him while he was still in (visiting him at the prison) and even then, he was taking every class they offered, working a job, and trying to better his life. He's been out for a while and today he has his own very successful business as well as an additional full-time job.

I went to visit him about a year after he got out, and despite him asking me a few times if I would consider marrying him (we have since decided we're better off as friends,) he NEVER ONCE tried to put a move on me. NOT ONCE, and I was there with him and his family for a month.

He didn't try to cuddle me, didn't try to kiss me, NOTHING, because he wouldn't put a finger on me without my permission. And we decided to stay friends, because we both have situations in our lives right now that commit us to family.

This was a guy who spent 20 years locked up without access to women. It's really hard to top that one. I don't know of many people who would have that kind of restraint even when they'd never gone to prison. He jokes that he's "too busy working to think about females", lol.

And then there was my high school friend, P. I went to his house one weekend for some sort of get-together, and after everyone had left (and before his family came home from work,) I fell asleep on the couch in his room. He simply covered me with a blanket, and even though it was HIS room, he went to sleep upstairs because 1. he didn't want people to see both of us emerging from his room and assume something had happened; 2. he didn't want to make me uncomfortable in any way, so he chose to entirely move himself to another level of the house.

I still haven't listed my siblings or their friends...

You might think you're alone, but you're far from the only one.

Again, I assure you, there are many other good men and women out there with high standards and Biblically-minded priorities.
I had to leapfrog back through three different posts to find out what my name was being dragged into. I finally found out it was something I don't mind my name being involved in. :cool:
 

Live4Him3

Jesus is Lord
May 19, 2022
1,360
605
113
#48
Where would you like to start?

We can start with the real, live CC friends whom I was honored to meet in April:

* Lynx
* RodB
* Pipp
* Cinder
* Lovecomessoftly

As well as 5 others, also from CC whom I met in 2019, and another 5 (again, CC'ers) whom I met in 2015.

I can think of another 2 aside from that (whom I also met in person.) And you also have to count in several members of their families (after all, those were the ones who trained up in the way they should go.)

I'm not giving specific usernames in this case because they are no longer on this site.

Also, my real-life friends, but to respect their privacy, I'll just use initials instead: C, A, MR, J.

J is an extremely special case, seeing as he spent 20 years in prison after being raised on the streets and falling into the wrong crowd. He is an amazing person. I met him while he was still in (visiting him at the prison) and even then, he was taking every class they offered, working a job, and trying to better his life. He's been out for a while and today he has his own very successful business as well as an additional full-time job.

I went to visit him about a year after he got out, and despite him asking me a few times if I would consider marrying him (we have since decided we're better off as friends,) he NEVER ONCE tried to put a move on me. NOT ONCE, and I was there with him and his family for a month.

He didn't try to cuddle me, didn't try to kiss me, NOTHING, because he wouldn't put a finger on me without my permission. And we decided to stay friends, because we both have situations in our lives right now that commit us to family.

This was a guy who spent 20 years locked up without access to women. It's really hard to top that one. I don't know of many people who would have that kind of restraint even when they'd never gone to prison. He jokes that he's "too busy working to think about females", lol.

And then there was my high school friend, P. I went to his house one weekend for some sort of get-together, and after everyone had left (and before his family came home from work,) I fell asleep on the couch in his room. He simply covered me with a blanket, and even though it was HIS room, he went to sleep upstairs because 1. he didn't want people to see both of us emerging from his room and assume something had happened; 2. he didn't want to make me uncomfortable in any way, so he chose to entirely move himself to another level of the house.

I still haven't listed my siblings or their friends...

You might think you're alone, but you're far from the only one.

Again, I assure you, there are many other good men and women out there with high standards and Biblically-minded priorities.
I feel like I just came from an honor roll ceremony at my daughter's school...lol.

Just so you know, I honestly didn't think that I was the only one like that, nor was I seeking to place myself on some sort of pedestal by any means. Instead, it's just that I honestly haven't personally met decent people IN PERSON. It's really just that simple.

Anyhow, as I've said on other threads recently, I'm a huge fan of love, and I'm truly happy when anybody finds it.

On that note, I truly do hope that it comes each and every one of your (everyone here) ways.

Good night.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,178
4,059
113
#49
I had to leapfrog back through three different posts to find out what my name was being dragged into. I finally found out it was something I don't mind my name being involved in. :cool:
You KNOW it's nothing but trouble if your name gets mentioned. 🤪
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
21,197
6,315
113
#50
You KNOW it's nothing but trouble if your name gets mentioned. 🤪
Yeah, that's what made me have to leapfrog back a few posts to check...
 

cinder

Senior Member
Mar 26, 2014
4,220
2,233
113
#51
So many twisted threads to unravel on this topic, but I think Lynx was pretty close to the heart of the matter. We live in a society (and this may be more societies than we realize, but definitely applies to ours) where our culture has started preaching (the lie) that having lots of sex is the secret to a happy and fulfilled life. You can't be happy and fulfilled without it. I think things are shifting to where it's even more sex is the secret than "being in a relationship". And any kind of sexual restraint is seen as a needless asceticism.

I'm going to say that this view is completely backwards (if it weren't prostitutes would be the happiest most fulfilled people on the planet). And uh hate to break it to everyone, but the vast majority of time in married people's lives is spent doing something other than having sex. Relationship, even not physically intimate relationship, and connection seem to provide much of the fulfillment, meaning and happiness in life. And we can see this in the more mature couples who stay together even though (it must be assumed) the sex isn't what it used to be. We can see the value of non-sexual relationship in the way the ancients talked about friendship (a relationship that's platonic...you know like the ideal according to Plato) and in healthy parent-child relationships. And the lens of history here is rather important so that we can see the madness of our own age, as well as the fact that the Christian view of sex has been a counter cultural one for much of history.

All that to say that getting married with a primary motivation of having the kind of sex that brings you personal fulfillment and meets all your needs, is like buying an apple orchard so that you can eat the world's most delicious apple pies. You're not likely to put the necessary effort in to make it good.

Plenty of Christian teaching has only made matters worse because (in my generation in particular) it seems like it's so busy trying to make people afraid to have extramarital sex, that it never gets around to actually teaching people how to think about sex in any meaningful and useful way. More like the comedian said about the things they learned in church "sex was a terrible, nasty, horrible thing to do and you should wait and do it with someone you really love and are committed to".

Personally, somewhere between church teaching and the appalling state of sexual behavior in our society, I could never make the connection between sex and love (not really a problem as long as I'm happily single). And so I realized quite early on that just because no one wants to have sex with me; it doesn't mean that no one loves me (and vice a versa). And then I can think about all the friends, family members, and church family past and present who do love me and end up feeling very loved indeed.
 

Live4Him3

Jesus is Lord
May 19, 2022
1,360
605
113
#52
We can see the value of non-sexual relationship in the way the ancients talked about friendship (a relationship that's platonic...you know like the ideal according to Plato) and in healthy parent-child relationships.
I've used the word "platonic" many times throughout my lifetime, but I never knew that it was related to Plato until just now.

I actually learned something on this forum.

:eek:
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,178
4,059
113
#53
Plenty of Christian teaching has only made matters worse because (in my generation in particular) it seems like it's so busy trying to make people afraid to have extramarital sex, that it never gets around to actually teaching people how to think about sex in any meaningful and useful way. More like the comedian said about the things they learned in church "sex was a terrible, nasty, horrible thing to do and you should wait and do it with someone you really love and are committed to"...
It's often felt to me that in Christian communities, there seems to be this overlying thought of, "Ok, we've got the married people all in line -- after all, they're all paired up, so we don't have to worry about them, and we don't talk about what happens behind THEIR closed doors. So now all that's left is to focus on those dirty, rotten, heathen single people to make sure we keep them in line!"

It seems to be assumed that single people are either actively sinning or right on the verge of it, so there is some noble Christian duty in doubling down and pulling us trouble-making singles back from the edge.

One of the CC regulars made a comment once about how a lot of Christians seem to be more concerned about getting people to stop sinning than they are about their salvation or developing a relationship with God. I thought this was a very accurate description. I've always seen the process as being, the more you walk with God, the more sin becomes a thorn to you because the Holy Spirit makes you realize how much it affects your relationship with Him.

But I guess a good number of the modern Christian community sees it as, you have to stop sinning first, and THEN you can have a relationship with God. I'm not trying to say we shouldn't address sin. But I think there's a problem when it's automatically assumed. If a married person automatically assumes what they think are my sins, how would they feel if the tables were turned? Because obviously, if someone assumes something about me, I'm going to start asking about what's going on with them.

And I'm not trying to say that we singles don't need occasional curbing (just look at what happens when you give us an entire forum to ourselves!) :D But there seem to be a whole lot more sermons in church railing over (alleged or assumed) sexual sin among single people than about married couples in which a spouse is watching something on their computer daily that's causing their marriage to fall apart. The imagined sins of singles seem to be the easiest and most prominent scapegoat whenever Christians want to talk about sin.

Anyway, I'm all the more thankful for our married friends who hang out with us here and put up with our single shenanigans. :D It's really cool to have a regular bunch of marrieds who talk and joke with us JUST AS PEOPLE, and not some great divide, as if we singles were an alien species. We're very blessed to have such a wonderful group of marrieds here.

Over the years on CC, there were times when we had a few married people who seemed to make it their ministry to constantly preach to the Singles Forum and Singles Chat about what we should be doing and how we should be living. They would come in and lecture us as if we were all going to bars every weekend and picking someone up.

I'm not saying those things don't need to be talked about, or that there aren't times when some are engaging in those behaviors and need to be confronted, but the part I found offensive was just to automatically assume all singles live that way -- especially when so many of us here are introverted nerds! :D

Thankfully, I think we eventually scared the majority of Self-Appointed Singles "Teachers" away. :cool:
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,178
4,059
113
#54
I'll take your word for it, but I'd like names (and numbers...lol) just as some sort of back-up.

Every time I hear women talking about men, it's always about how "dreamy" his eyes are, or how firm his butt is, or something along those lines. The latest fad seems to be, "Oh, he's a ginger..." Give me a break.

Men?

I can't even repeat what I hear them saying about women, but, trust me, they're not talking about their hearts and minds.
This really made me sad to hear that the world has gotten so bad that it can't be believed or trusted from another believer that there really are other believers out there.

Maybe I'm just overly sheltered, but I guess I had the opposite problem. I grew up in an almost all-Christian surrounding, so the people who have loved me most, AND the people who have hurt me most have always been Christians.

I eventually went out into the world and was shocked to find a lot of unbelievers and even atheists with stronger moral codes than many of the Christians I was surrounded by. For instance, in college, I had 2 close unbelieving friends who confided that they were virgins, because they were "waiting for true (real) love." I met a few unbelieving guys who said the same thing and I was shocked, because I had gone to a Lutheran high school where one of the cool guys showed off the condom in his wallet at basketball games. (And don't get me started on everything else that went on at my Lutheran high school, including the couple who skipped one day to go get an abortion.)

Now I'm not saying that not having sex makes one a Christian. But rather, the church made it sound like anyone outside the church would be wild animals, and sure, there are some like that -- but some of them are right within the church itself, and that was never really addressed. Maybe I just misunderstood all those years, but the church was made to sound like the only safe haven in the world, yet it was filled with all kinds of craziness, and when I stepped away from it for the first time, I discovered non-church people who were living more Godly lives than some of the Godly people I'd grown up with. For whatever reason, the encounters I had with most unbelievers were usually quite positive.

And many of the people I talked to who did have animosity towards God were raised in religious environments -- and abused by those same religious people. I came to understand why so many people were so reluctant to "go to God" over anything, because they felt God had abandoned them as children and left them to be victimized by the very people who claimed to be His representatives.

At any rate... I'm just sad to hear of fellow Christians who have never encountered other Christians in real life.

You will be in my prayers, L4H.

I truly feel grieved by the plight of any Christian who feels they honestly don't know a single other Christian in this world.
 

Live4Him3

Jesus is Lord
May 19, 2022
1,360
605
113
#55
This really made me sad to hear that the world has gotten so bad that it can't be believed or trusted from another believer that there really are other believers out there.

Maybe I'm just overly sheltered, but I guess I had the opposite problem. I grew up in an almost all-Christian surrounding, so the people who have loved me most, AND the people who have hurt me most have always been Christians.

I eventually went out into the world and was shocked to find a lot of unbelievers and even atheists with stronger moral codes than many of the Christians I was surrounded by. For instance, in college, I had 2 close unbelieving friends who confided that they were virgins, because they were "waiting for true (real) love." I met a few unbelieving guys who said the same thing and I was shocked, because I had gone to a Lutheran high school where one of the cool guys showed off the condom in his wallet at basketball games. (And don't get me started on everything else that went on at my Lutheran high school, including the couple who skipped one day to go get an abortion.)

Now I'm not saying that not having sex makes one a Christian. But rather, the church made it sound like anyone outside the church would be wild animals, and sure, there are some like that -- but some of them are right within the church itself, and that was never really addressed. Maybe I just misunderstood all those years, but the church was made to sound like the only safe haven in the world, yet it was filled with all kinds of craziness, and when I stepped away from it for the first time, I discovered non-church people who were living more Godly lives than some of the Godly people I'd grown up with. For whatever reason, the encounters I had with most unbelievers were usually quite positive.

And many of the people I talked to who did have animosity towards God were raised in religious environments -- and abused by those same religious people. I came to understand why so many people were so reluctant to "go to God" over anything, because they felt God had abandoned them as children and left them to be victimized by the very people who claimed to be His representatives.

At any rate... I'm just sad to hear of fellow Christians who have never encountered other Christians in real life.

You will be in my prayers, L4H.

I truly feel grieved by the plight of any Christian who feels they honestly don't know a single other Christian in this world.
Yikes!

Well, I at least owe you an explanation, and apparently an apology as well.

As I'm thinking/hoping you're already aware, I'm normally a very sober-minded, honest, open/transparent, and straightforward Christian man.

However, I do also possess a somewhat odd/goofy sense of humor, which pretty much always gets me in trouble, as a sort of safety-valve or defense mechanism. In other words, sometimes I have to laugh so that I won't literally cry or weep.

My post that you quoted was almost entirely serious, but I was actually joking about the names and numbers part. I did include an "lol" in parentheses after the numbers part, but I really should have put that whole second half of the sentence in parentheses. I wanted the numbers part to stand out as a joke, and that is why I didn't put the whole second half of the sentence in parentheses.

Anyhow, that was my bad, and I apologize for any confusion that it caused. Also for any unintended offense that it might have caused. In other words, I wasn't really doubting you. Instead, I was trying to be funny, but I obviously failed miserably in my attempt. Again, I apologize for that.

That said and meant, the rest of my post was serious.
 

Live4Him3

Jesus is Lord
May 19, 2022
1,360
605
113
#56
At any rate... I'm just sad to hear of fellow Christians who have never encountered other Christians in real life.

You will be in my prayers, L4H.

I truly feel grieved by the plight of any Christian who feels they honestly don't know a single other Christian in this world.
If I was to tell you what my experiences have truly been like, then you either wouldn't believe me or you'd think that I'm crazy.

They haven't been good.

Not even close.
 

Live4Him3

Jesus is Lord
May 19, 2022
1,360
605
113
#57
Of course there are.

I'm finding that in order to talk to young co-workers, I have to study up on some of the lingo, as much as I despise it. For instance, a high schooler told me his friend had just come out as "pansexual." (I had no idea what this meant. My immediate thought was, "Your friend has a sexual attraction to pans?!")

While trying to look up some of these insane modern terms, I came across "demisexual."

"Demisexual" - a sexual orientation in which people only experience sexual attraction to folks they have formed a close emotional bond with.

Good grief.

Well, at least the crazies took the time to create an alternative word for what the rest of us would call "normal." :cautious:

(I know this definition doesn't exactly fit with Christian beliefs, but so far it seems to be the closest remnant of what used to be accepted as a normal human being.)
Well, I had never heard of anyone being "pansexual" or "demisexual" before, and now I was just introduced to another new term as well.

I saw a video clip of an audition from "America's Got Talent". As the performer was introducing himself, he glanced into the audience. When the judges asked him who he was looking at, he said "My partners"...PLURAL. After being questioned by the judges as to what that meant, he said that he's been married for 15 years, and that he and his wife also fell in love with another woman 4 years ago, and that the three of them are "polyamorous".

Here's the clip:

 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
17,785
5,943
113
#58
married people dont talk to me about sex cos its boring and i dont actually want to know about it anyway, its between them

lol

if they married surely they can figure it out together right. I dont need to watch.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
17,785
5,943
113
#59
this would probably be how I explain it to someone who is a virgin

Its when you take each others undies off and touch each others privates parts. Thats why you dont do it in public. you'll get cold.

married people tend to do this at night time in their own beds. Thats why they share a bed. Though it can be done anywhere, but you cant force someone to do it if they dont want to.

if you try to force someone you can get arrested and put in jail.
also if you want to make a baby the male sperm needs to get inside the body to meet the females egg. But thats something you'll have to figure out when the time comes on how to do that.
 

kaylagrl

Senior Member
Oct 18, 2014
18,927
5,701
113
#60
(Continued from Post #1:)

Now I know some people will say, "But Seoul, that only happens when people are old and don't have a sex drive anyway." But I would beg to differ. The communities I lived near had very active senior populations (55+) and message boards. I read some of the articles and conversations, and while they weren't Christian-based, they WERE very honest, and talked about how many older people were finding dating and sex to be even more exciting now because their kids were out of the house (no worries about someone walking in on them,) there was no longer any worry of pregnancy, and some people had more disposable income and free time to spend with a partner.

The point is, our culture might see us as dried up hags or old geezers by age 27, the but reality is far from that. One of the senior communities I lived near had a local "hookup" bar and restaurant, and there was a running joke about "the golf cart ride of shame" some took back home after spending the night with their latest catch.

If it's supposedly so easy for singles with a sex drive to find a spouse, then what happens? Are the porn addictions automatically cured? Is everybody getting all the adventure, fun, and romance they ever dreamed of?

Having spent a little bit of time on both sides of the fence (I was once married, but my husband left for someone else,) I would have to answer with a big, fat, resounding NO. And from the conversations we've seen on CC over the years, I think most married people would agree. But why doesn't anyone talk about the realities of this?

If so many people want to tell us singles how to solve the problem of our sex drives, why is no one talking about the times when married people want to have sex, too -- but are unable to, and yet, they are married? What do they do? How do they deal with it?

We singles need THOSE answers too, or else the readily given advice becomes useless. Even if we do get married, many are going to need some useful information about how to deal with, "Ok, I'm Married. AND I STILL CAN'T HAVE SEX. NOW what do I do?" because chances are, it's going to happen at some time. Even if both people remain blessedly healthy all their lives, God usually does not call both spouses home at the same time.

Please note that I am NOT at all trying to criticize married people, nor am I trying to turn this into a Married Vs. Singles boxing match. I am IMMENSELY GRATEFUL to the compassionate, loving married people I have known, and who are willing to hang around us here in Singles. But unfortunately for us singles, some married people are not that understanding.

Thank you for allowing me to vent my frustration at always being given such generic advice with no real substance behind it.

And for every married person who tells me if I'm struggling with sex, just get married, I would like to ask them about the following scenario:

I would tell them, "Let's say that your spouse is going to be unable, unwilling, and unavailable to have sex with you for the next 20 years. They are not going to show any interest in you, will not respond to your desires, and there will be no other outlet in any other form available to you. What are you going to do?"

Because that's actually a very realistic scenario that many married people find themselves in. And I would guess that no one really knows until they are smack-dab in the middle of it.

You're probably wondering how I would answer myself. I certainly can't say that I would take the news very calmly, especially after waiting for so long. I'm sure I would cry and scream for a long time, asking God why it had to be that way. But then God would eventually remind me of the nearly 20 years He's brought me through without a romantic partner, and He would probably say, 'I've prepared you for this. My grace is sufficient for you -- now get up and serve your husband.'"

Would I be joyful? Would I be grateful? I most certainly would not be so at first. But then I would realize that THIS is the power of what God has taught me through all these long lonely years, and I would ask God to please help me carry out the task that had been set before me, because I made the commitment to Him to do so. And then I would try my messy, imperfect best to implement my very shaky, unsure walk, relying on God more than ever.

THESE are the kinds of things I wish married people would talk to us about when they tell us to get married.

Don't just give me the shortcut pat answers, the Cliff's notes, the things that everyone expects good Christians to say. I want to know the truth, and most importantly, how God gets you through it.

So what is the point of this thread? Usually I have a clear topic and discussion questions for the reader to ponder answer. Today, I'm not expecting people to spill out the most personal aspects of their lives. Rather...

* I think what I would really like to ask people is: Whether you are single or married, were you given answers that you felt were too simplistic and didn't really address your real issues? How did you respond?

* Did you have unrealistic expectations because of what others told you? How did you learn to adjust to reality?

* What words of wisdom would you give to others to try to prevent them from falling into the same trap?

* What do you wish people would have REALLY told you, or would really talk about?

I do understand that my posts are very long (ironically though, many times there will be people who say I write way too much, but then will write their own answers or multiple posts that are just as long or longer, but won't read my full post, lol. There's nothing wrong with that, and I certainly don't expect people to read everything I write, but when someone writes just as much and apparently wants people to read what they wrote, it always makes me chuckle.) :)

Anyways, one of the reasons I put this all out there is because I am betting that I'm not the only one who feels this way (at least I hope not,) and I'm looking forward to hearing your answers.

Hey sis, I'm going to very carefully try to answer your questions. We had a recent thread that got so nasty it had to shut down, and it was based on Scripture. So here goes...

1.Did you have unrealistic expectations because of what others told you? How did you learn to adjust to reality?

So I married fairly late in life as you know, in my 40s. My husband, like you, had been married to a woman who was unfaithful and left him. That was before he became a Christian. I had traveled much of my youth in ministry and so I was always on the move to the next place. I don't really think I had expectations, I was just stoked someone wanted to marry me. I was the oldest cousin and the last to get married. Old maid jokes were par for the course at this point. So I think I was just grateful someone wanted to spend their life with me.


2. What words of wisdom would you give to others to try to prevent them from falling into the same trap?

Once the honeymoon was over, we were hit suddenly in the marriage where my husband lost his job. He had never been without a job and we were certain he could get one. But it was a different day in age and he gave out well over 100 resumes and still no one was calling. For two years he tried every avenue, even family and friends were trying to help. Eventually we assumed his last employer was bad mouthing him. When he dropped that name on his resume, he got a job. We were so constantly stressed in those two yrs. that intimacy was the very last thing we thought about. We feared at one point we would loose our home. God blessed him with a wonderful job, pays well, has a Christian boss and only a couple miles from home.

So we just got settled into this new situation and my mother took cancer. On top of that the pandemic hit. So here I am traveling to dozens of appts. with my mother into the city trying to make sure no of us got COVID. Because of her treatments her bones became brittle and she had fractures in her back. She was unable to walk. My father left work to care for her but he had no knowledge of how to keep a house, make a meal, let alone help her. I don't drive, so that meant that I had to stay the night with them and go back to my house during the day. We have gone back and forth to the city so many times this year. My mother is able to walk now, without a walker and is slowly going out to church and getting back to normal. Whether from all of the stress or age, my father has lost his memory. So now I have to watch very carefully what he is doing and where he is going.

I say all that to say this, life throws curve balls. I have a very wonderful, very patient husband. Had his only reason to marry was to satiate his sex drive, or me, we'd have been in a lot of trouble. In fact, he'd have left me by now. I thank him often for standing by me when it would be easier to walk away.

3.What do you wish people would have REALLY told you, or would really talk about?

Marriage doesn't guarantee a Hallmark ending. Too many people have watched too many movies about romance. Life isn't like that. It doesn't mean it's never like that, but I would say it's seldom like that if your main goal is to satiate a sex drive. Not every one has the same drive, health issues can come up, other issues can crowd in. It's very simplistic, and rather immature to say get married to have sex. Unless you're moving into the Playboy Mansion, it's not the least realistic. So you better be in love with that person you marry. Because life isn't always a Hallmark movie. JMO