"If You Want to Have Sex, Get Married." Ok. But What If You Want to Have Sex, and You're ALREADY Married?

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seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,178
4,059
113
#21
Seoul, you mentioned porn several times in your post, and I'd be willing to bet that people with "sex drives" have all viewed it at some point in time.

Anyhow, I can assure you that when I look at women today, what I'm primarily looking at is their heart and soul. If that is beautiful, then they're beautiful in my eyes.
First of all, I want to say that for everyone who posts, please don't be hurt or offended or afraid that I overlooked your post if I don't answer it specifically. I try to wait to post these types of threads on my days off so I'll have more time to keep up with them, but people are writing so many amazing, helpful testimonies and advice here that I may not be able to keep up individually.

But please be assured that I am reading -- and appreciate -- every single post.

One thing I especially like about your testimony, @Live4Him3, is that you've given us the entire cycle of what someone's personal walk, struggle, and victory might look like. It's a great encouragement to those who are right in the midst and think it's impossible, as well as practical advice to even those who might not be struggling with this, but are fighting in other areas of their lives.

Thank you for taking the time to post your own heartfelt journey.

One of the things that frustrates me about the Christian community, or rather the ones I have been around, is that there is what I interpret as a lot of naivete and victim-blaming when people become entrenched in these kinds of addictions.

It's kind of like, "Oh, you awful sinner, how could you pick up that terrible magazine/click on that site/watch that sinful movie that you should have known better to watch!"

It truly grieves my heart that many seem either unaware, or won't accept that many people stumble onto these things when they're young and don't even really know what it is or how it will form a death grip around them. And I think it's even more important to realize that this demon can literally come in ANY form around us.

I remember a long time ago when I was a kid when my family was talking about how advertising and television was changing -- and not for the better. My Grandpa brought up the fact that when they first started showing ads for women's underwear, the items were displayed on models and mannequins -- but they eventually started showing them on actual women.

I've read many cases in which people got hooked on porn not because of Playboy or a hidden movie in their parent's closet, but because of comic books, regular everyday advertising, billboards, novels (written words vs. images,) and even medical charts and pamphlets. And it's no wonder in a culture that is trying to promote every time of perversion as just a "curiosity."

Shoot, I was at the doctor's not too long ago, and, after seeing all the incredibly graphic charts of human anatomies on the walls, was wondering how many people, both men and women, have developed a sexual addiction just because of something they saw in their doctor's office, or anatomy and biology textbooks/classes. I'm not saying these things aren't useful and necessary for medical knowledge, but the problem is that we live in a culture that tries to associate everything with experiencing sex.

I think many Christians assume that sexual addictions are for "the weak willed," or people who somehow purposely got themselves into trouble. They don't seem to realize or recognize that the thing that got Brother Billy started was his Mom's Victoria's Secret catalog in the mail and his sister's naked Barbie dolls, or that Sister Sally developed a problem while flipping through certain pages of her mother's "romance" novels.

This is always something that's very heavy on my heart because it really is literally EVERYWHERE, and I'm always asking God how we can fight this in a practical way.

Ideally, it would be before it even starts.

But how, without closing ourselves off in a literal bubble?
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,178
4,059
113
#22
These solutions have the potential of becoming complicated. This may create a scenario where spouses may not want their other spouse to masturbate or use devices but they just put up with it because there is no other solution. The spouse could feel threatened or uncomfortable. For example, what if either spouse bought a sex doll; that is just a more elaborate sex device. I think when people start using sex devices, they have the urge to take it up to the next level.
This is exactly the reason given by conservative Christian groups I grew up around.

They say that any form of sex that isn't done with just your spouse, even in marriage, is wrong.

Their argument is that if someone repeatedly associates sexual activity by oneself or with something other than their spouse, they will eventually get to a point where they prefer these other things rather than their spouse, or become dependent on them in order to have a sexual experience.
 

Pipp

Majestic Llamacorn
Sep 17, 2013
5,276
2,334
113
Georgia
#23
When I was on the Christian dating sites, there were some men using this passage in their profiles as a justification as to why they HAD to have a young, slender, good-looking wife, even if they were 60 pounds overweight -- because "the Bible says her body is to be pleasing to me at all times."

I'm not trying to get myself banned here, but one of the answers to this belief always seemed obvious to me, and I've always asked God about this.

The passage (Proverbs 5:19) says, "Let her breasts satisfy you at all times."

I understand the Bible was written at time where the male point of view took center stage.

But God isn't sexist. Therefore, I have often asked Him, "If our (the women's) bodies are to be pleasing to our husbands at all times, then Lord, what do you have in mind as far as their bodies being pleasing to their wives? What can I expect him to have in return?"

I always hear the saying, "Men are visual," to which I always say, "And God didn't make women blind." All I'm saying is, I don't agree with people who set a standard for what someone else has to be or look like when they don't fit into it themselves.

This is just my own personal belief, but I think anyone, man or woman, who sees something like this in a one-sided way is also going to have to live up to their own end of the deal.

Therefore, if a man believes his wife's body must be attractive and fulfilling to him at all times... What will he have to offer about his own body that's equally attractive and fulfilling to her?
IF he's doing things right.... she should be enjoying that situation just as much as he is.... jusssss saying

(Speaking from zero experience here.... i have a nonexistent lovelife lol)
 

Live4Him3

Jesus is Lord
May 19, 2022
1,360
605
113
#24
First of all, I want to say that for everyone who posts, please don't be hurt or offended or afraid that I overlooked your post if I don't answer it specifically. I try to wait to post these types of threads on my days off so I'll have more time to keep up with them, but people are writing so many amazing, helpful testimonies and advice here that I may not be able to keep up individually.

But please be assured that I am reading -- and appreciate -- every single post.

One thing I especially like about your testimony, @Live4Him3, is that you've given us the entire cycle of what someone's personal walk, struggle, and victory might look like. It's a great encouragement to those who are right in the midst and think it's impossible, as well as practical advice to even those who might not be struggling with this, but are fighting in other areas of their lives.

Thank you for taking the time to post your own heartfelt journey.

One of the things that frustrates me about the Christian community, or rather the ones I have been around, is that there is what I interpret as a lot of naivete and victim-blaming when people become entrenched in these kinds of addictions.

It's kind of like, "Oh, you awful sinner, how could you pick up that terrible magazine/click on that site/watch that sinful movie that you should have known better to watch!"

It truly grieves my heart that many seem either unaware, or won't accept that many people stumble onto these things when they're young and don't even really know what it is or how it will form a death grip around them. And I think it's even more important to realize that this demon can literally come in ANY form around us.

I remember a long time ago when I was a kid when my family was talking about how advertising and television was changing -- and not for the better. My Grandpa brought up the fact that when they first started showing ads for women's underwear, the items were displayed on models and mannequins -- but they eventually started showing them on actual women.

I've read many cases in which people got hooked on porn not because of Playboy or a hidden movie in their parent's closet, but because of comic books, regular everyday advertising, billboards, novels (written words vs. images,) and even medical charts and pamphlets. And it's no wonder in a culture that is trying to promote every time of perversion as just a "curiosity."

Shoot, I was at the doctor's not too long ago, and, after seeing all the incredibly graphic charts of human anatomies on the walls, was wondering how many people, both men and women, have developed a sexual addiction just because of something they saw in their doctor's office, or anatomy and biology textbooks/classes. I'm not saying these things aren't useful and necessary for medical knowledge, but the problem is that we live in a culture that tries to associate everything with experiencing sex.

I think many Christians assume that sexual addictions are for "the weak willed," or people who somehow purposely got themselves into trouble. They don't seem to realize or recognize that the thing that got Brother Billy started was his Mom's Victoria's Secret catalog in the mail and his sister's naked Barbie dolls, or that Sister Sally developed a problem while flipping through certain pages of her mother's "romance" novels.

This is always something that's very heavy on my heart because it really is literally EVERYWHERE, and I'm always asking God how we can fight this in a practical way.

Ideally, it would be before it even starts.

But how, without closing ourselves off in a literal bubble?
I would also add MUSIC to your list in that I'm fully convinced it greatly entices people into all sorts of sexual sins.

I had to laugh when I read what you said about your grandfather because I remember those days, too.

I'm old, but old enough to be your grandfather?

SAY IT ISN'T SO!!!

lol.

Anyhow, how can we overcome all of these temptations that we're literally bombarded with daily?

The only way is to truly be walking in fellowship with God while being led by his Holy Spirit.

This isn't a game.

It's a war.
 
S

Seeking-Christ

Guest
#25
WoW! That is a long post! I agree with everything you said. I couldn't of said it any better!
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
21,197
6,315
113
#26
I don't want this to become graphic enough to offend (though of course the mods are free to edit anything said,) but I am almost 100% certain that my childhood church would have been against the alternatives you are suggesting (actions without a partner, or actions with an added device.)

I could be wrong, but I went to WELS Lutheran schools K-graduation and nothing's going to push the buttons more than a group of hormone-ridden teenagers in a Christian school, and we were pretty much told there is only one solution -- man, woman, marriage.

All 3 together, with nothing added and nothing taken away (I could be wrong about the solo trips within marriage, but that was the impression I got -- that it had to be you and your spouse always, and in all ways, and only that.)

Lol.

I have to laugh at this because it's a great example of the exact irony I'm trying to point out.

I don't really know the answers because... No one ever talked about it.

They were too busy telling us not to do anything and to just get married instead.

As I've gotten older, I've had younger singles ask me these questions and I'm sad to say that I don't know what to tell them, because I've never heard it clearly taught.
That's a good way to paint yourself into a corner.

If marriage is supposed to be the sovereign remedy for a sex drive...
If a situation arises where one for the other partner is not able to have sex...
If they are not supposed to divorce...
If they are not supposed to use "devices" or "go solo..."

What's left? The other spouse forcing the disabled spouse to have sex anyway, to the disabled person's physical and emotional harm? That's not something a person would do to the person he or she loves.

Yes I know it happens. Maybe it happens because they feel like they are backed into a corner.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,178
4,059
113
#27
WoW! That is a long post! I agree with everything you said. I couldn't of said it any better!
Thank you so much.

Seeking Christ, I hope you will see this as encouragement...

The opening posts took me over 2 hours to write. That's not counting the days I had to think about and structure it in my head, along with editing time.

I know you've said writing is lot of work and very challenging to you -- rest assured that it's the same for many of us out here as well.

Nothing comes easy to me either and a thread like this literally takes up the entire day.

So I hope you'll keep posting, even though I know it can seem like a mountain of work.

🤓
 
S

Seeking-Christ

Guest
#28
All this reminds me of the audio book i listened too, called The Great Sex Rescue. They try to address some of the crappy teachings in the Evangelical Church. They just don't think things through very good.
 
T

TheIndianGirl

Guest
#29
This is exactly the reason given by conservative Christian groups I grew up around.

They say that any form of sex that isn't done with just your spouse, even in marriage, is wrong.

Their argument is that if someone repeatedly associates sexual activity by oneself or with something other than their spouse, they will eventually get to a point where they prefer these other things rather than their spouse, or become dependent on them in order to have a sexual experience.
I think there is a risk. Especially with sex dolls, they are being made in a way where the experience is supposed to be better than with a human. Some women also apparently prefer the vibrators. All of these devices are made to compete with human experience.
 
S

Seeking-Christ

Guest
#30
Thank you so much.

Seeking Christ, I hope you will see this as encouragement...

The opening posts took me over 2 hours to write. That's not counting the days I had to think about and structure it in my head, along with editing time.

I know you've said writing is lot of work and very challenging to you -- rest assured that it's the same for many of us out here as well.

Nothing comes easy to me either and a thread like this literally takes up the entire day.

So I hope you'll keep posting, even though I know it can seem like a mountain of work.

🤓
It might of taken me a week to put all of that together. :LOL:
 

Live4Him3

Jesus is Lord
May 19, 2022
1,360
605
113
#31
That's a good way to paint yourself into a corner.

If marriage is supposed to be the sovereign remedy for a sex drive...
If a situation arises where one for the other partner is not able to have sex...
If they are not supposed to divorce...
If they are not supposed to use "devices" or "go solo..."

What's left? The other spouse forcing the disabled spouse to have sex anyway, to the disabled person's physical and emotional harm? That's not something a person would do to the person he or she loves.

Yes I know it happens. Maybe it happens because they feel like they are backed into a corner.
What is it with peoples' obsession to "have sex"?

I remember when I told my brother that I was going to get married that his only response was, "Wow...now you're going to have sex..."

I was like, "Bro..."

Are there any men or women who actually are looking for a spiritual and soulish connection?

Take away those two variables, and I'd rather eat a pack of Yodels than "have sex".

In fact, I'm not ashamed to say that I've only had sexual relations with three different women in my entire lifetime, and one of them was my ex-wife. Again, in fact, I've turned down sexual advances and opportunities with probably about a good two dozen or more other women over the years because I had no genuine interest in their spirit or soul.

Maybe I'm from another planet...

:alien:
 
S

Seeking-Christ

Guest
#32
What is it with peoples' obsession to "have sex"?

I remember when I told my brother that I was going to get married that his only response was, "Wow...now you're going to have sex..."

I was like, "Bro..."

Are there any men or women who actually are looking for a spiritual and soulish connection?

Take away those two variables, and I'd rather eat a pack of Yodels than "have sex".

In fact, I'm not ashamed to say that I've only had sexual relations with three different women in my entire lifetime, and one of them was my ex-wife. Again, in fact, I've turned down sexual advances and opportunities with probably about a good two dozen or more other women over the years because I had no genuine interest in their spirit or soul.

Maybe I'm from another planet...

:alien:
Only one woman, and she was a loose one, wanted to get me turned on, and I think sex was where things were going. But I was too scared to try it with her.

1) I was trying to witness to her
2) I didn't want to date her but someone else put her up to it.
3) I don't have money for a baby.

I broke things off with her, but i learned a hard lesson. The male body is not designed to be turned on, turned off, turned on, and turned off again in rapid sessions. It causes inflammation. I had to see a specialist.
 
T

TheIndianGirl

Guest
#33
That's a good way to paint yourself into a corner.

If marriage is supposed to be the sovereign remedy for a sex drive...
If a situation arises where one for the other partner is not able to have sex...
If they are not supposed to divorce...
If they are not supposed to use "devices" or "go solo..."

What's left? The other spouse forcing the disabled spouse to have sex anyway, to the disabled person's physical and emotional harm? That's not something a person would do to the person he or she loves.

Yes I know it happens. Maybe it happens because they feel like they are backed into a corner.
I think if the partner is unable to have sex, the most pure and holy solution is to become celibate (even in marriage).

I think God frowns on masturbation; he wasn't too happy with Onan for spilling his "seed". Device can be considered demonic, depending on who you ask and probably the type of device also.

If the partner is healthy and won't have sex, counseling is in order. If the partner liked sex early in the marriage, chances are she will like it again. Some issues need to be worked out. I think there is a lot of insecurity involved when couples don't have sex.
 
S

Seeking-Christ

Guest
#34
Only one woman, and she was a loose one, wanted to get me turned on, and I think sex was where things were going. But I was too scared to try it with her.

1) I was trying to witness to her
2) I didn't want to date her but someone else put her up to it.
3) I don't have money for a baby.

I broke things off with her, but i learned a hard lesson. The male body is not designed to be turned on, turned off, turned on, and turned off again in rapid sessions. It causes inflammation. I had to see a specialist.
That happened back in 2007. Nothing like that ever happened before, or after.
Just be clear one more time. I did not have sexual relations with her.
 

Live4Him3

Jesus is Lord
May 19, 2022
1,360
605
113
#35
P.S.

I turned down a lot of those women before I was saved and while I was still being "driven" by a demon/demons of lust.

Even then, I couldn't bring myself to just "have sex" with a woman.

Again, are there any men or women who are truly desirous of connecting with someone in their spirit and soul or are all people basically just dogs in heat?

I'm honestly seeking an answer to this question...
 

Robertt

Well-known member
May 22, 2019
850
288
63
Bahrain
#36
I am not sure the Better to marry than to Burn scripture was solely tlaking about sex. I think it is like Adam in Garden, he was lonely so God created him a woman. Better for God to put two people together than for Adam to burn in his desire to not be alone.
 
S

Seeking-Christ

Guest
#37
P.S.

I turned down a lot of those women before I was saved and while I was still being "driven" by a demon/demons of lust.

Even then, I couldn't bring myself to just "have sex" with a woman.

Again, are there any men or women who are truly desirous of connecting with someone in their spirit and soul or are all people basically just dogs in heat?

I'm honestly seeking an answer to this question...
I want a woman that I click with. I could use the word Love, but the word Love is often thrown around in an emotional way. When I say love, I mean a woman that I can choose to love, and that she will choose to love me back. Then I want sex in the mix, if everything is working the way it should. I recently wrote a post, and it is not posted yet. I'm sharing that i think my sex drive is dying.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,178
4,059
113
#40
Again, are there any men or women who are truly desirous of connecting with someone in their spirit and soul or are all people basically just dogs in heat? I'm honestly seeking an answer to this question...
Of course there are.

I'm finding that in order to talk to young co-workers, I have to study up on some of the lingo, as much as I despise it. For instance, a high schooler told me his friend had just come out as "pansexual." (I had no idea what this meant. My immediate thought was, "Your friend has a sexual attraction to pans?!")

While trying to look up some of these insane modern terms, I came across "demisexual."

"Demisexual" - a sexual orientation in which people only experience sexual attraction to folks they have formed a close emotional bond with.

Good grief.

Well, at least the crazies took the time to create an alternative word for what the rest of us would call "normal." :cautious:

(I know this definition doesn't exactly fit with Christian beliefs, but so far it seems to be the closest remnant of what used to be accepted as a normal human being.)